Father I Want To Know Thee
I had committed to and was joyfully living out, “God, I’m yours send me wherever you want, whenever you want me to go, and have me do whatever you plan for me” a commitment I had made in junior high.
Written by Sarah McGuire
“Father I want to know Thee, but my coward heart fears to give up its toys. I cannot part with them without inward bleeding, and I do not try to hide from Thee the terror of the parting. I come trembling, but I do come. Please root from my heart all those things which I have cherished so long and which have become a very part of my living self, so that Thou mayest enter and dwell there without a rival. Then shall my heart have no need of the sun to shine in it, for Thyself wilt be the light of it, and there shall be no night there.” – A.W. Tozer
These are the words I wrote in the front my Bible in 2004, before heading to Africa as a missionary, a desire of mine since I was a young child. It was the sincere prayer of my heart that God be everything to me…and I thought He was. I had committed to and was joyfully living out, “God, I’m yours send me wherever you want, whenever you want me to go, and have me do whatever you plan for me” a commitment I had made in junior high.
That was before special needs entered my life. That was before two years of sleepless nights. That was before the dreams for my family and life were crushed beyond recognition or hope of repair. That was before I lost my health and before we lost our home which was such a gift and where we had built a new dream.
This week I sat in that home as we get rid of most of our things and read these words again. I’d forgotten about them in the front of that Bible, rarely used in the last many years in favor of a newer one and a different translation.
What a difference the depth of meaning these words have now nearly 16 years later. I’ve wanted God and a healthy child, God and a meaningful ministry outside my family, God and my welcoming, restorative home. None of these desires are wrong – a health child, a meaningful ministry, and lovely home.
Yet, when these things have been taken away my coward heart not only fears to give them up and bleeds at the parting (that’s called grief), but at times has felt angry at God over the rending of my wants and toys.
There is a rending, a breaking of a dream, a shattering of something wonderful. There is brokenness. This world is cursed. It is crushed by sin. Where there is sin and brokenness, there will be pain. And I’ve learned that God weeps with me. God is a God of wholeness, creativity, beauty, love, forgiveness, holiness, and generosity. He is a God that will bring beauty out of our brokenness. When this broken world and the enemy of our soul crushes us, He desires to be our everything and for us to find our comfort and hope in Him.
Written by Sarah McGuire