To The Mom Who Is Broken

Sarah couldn’t sleep all night. I heard her come into the bedroom and could see the hint of sunlight coming in from behind our curtains, when I finally heard the gentle rhythm of her breath indicating she was asleep. She was no longer staying awake at night because she was with a child who needed her. She was awake because of her own health struggles. It was going to be another rough day.

 Later in the day, she would greet me in her perpetual state of exhaustion. Sadness and frustration in her eyes as she wished she could do more, be the wife and mom that she always dreamed of being, and make memories together as a family as we did activities together.

 Her brokenness was not a lack of motivation or desire but a reality that stood like a locked door with the life she wanted on the other side.

 A couple years ago, we were visiting with an older couple who had walked this journey of special needs before us. The wife shared that through the process of raising their son, she became broken. Her old self died and she was no longer the same woman that she used to be.

This resonated with Sarah and it may resonate with many of you. At first, I was so close to the pain that it grieved me. I didn’t want to accept the truth of the statement. I didn’t want to let go.

Time has passed and the sentiment still holds true in Sarah’s mind.  However my perspective has changed as I see that while there was a death of her old self, the person she has become is so much more.

It may seem cliché, but to me, the change more resembles that of a caterpillar changing to a butterfly.  When a caterpillar is in its chrysalis, it goes from eating everything in sight and growing, to being dormant for a period of days to weeks. At the end of this time it struggles to finally emerge from its cocoon, unfurl a beautiful set of wings and then launches into a life it could never have imagined as a butterfly.

I once heard the story of a child who watched a butterfly struggle as it was coming out of its chrysalis. The child felt so bad for the butterfly struggling that she tried to help by freeing it of its encasement.

The butterfly was never able to fly and it died. It needed the struggle to build the strength to fly.

 Sarah may never have the strength to do what she did before, and while she is delicate, she has become much more beautiful than before she was broken.

Where are you at? Do you miss who you were and how strong you used to be? Do you, like Sarah, feel like a significant part of you has died and you are no longer the person you once were? Do you feel like you are failing others and at times like you just want to cry?

Be encouraged, in your weakness these struggles are strengthening you. You are beautiful and you are loved.

He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.

Psalms 147:3

Written by Jonathan McGuire

Jonathan McGuire  is  the father of two sons and the co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that comes alongside the parents of children impacted by disability on a spiritual and emotional level. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here.

When You Can't Make It All Better

My precious son was writhing in pain, screaming, bashing his head, couldn’t talk and tell me what was hurting or what was going on. He wasn’t hitting developmental milestones. He got sick for three weeks at a time if I took him out in public once per week for church. He would meltdown if we went to a store, if I put my hair in a pony tail, if a car-carrier semi drove by, or any other of seemingly 100 other reasons.

I was heartbroken by my son’s pain. I wanted it to stop. I wanted to take it away. I was heartbroken by the trapped world my son lived in with a body and brain that didn’t function normal or well. I wanted to fix-it. I wanted him to be set free. I wanted to know who he really was, not just the altered state of pain, agony, confusion and misunderstanding I saw in his eyes daily, on the days he was “there” and not “absent”.

I hear from other moms with similar feelings. Kim’s 13 year old son is still wetting the bed and she doesn’t know how to help him. Anne’s 5 year old son, who was severely injured at birth, needs 24-hour home nursing care while another son is a danger to the family and has needed to go live in a group home. Christy doesn’t know where to turn for her adopted daughter’s unknown trauma and personality disorders. Tiffany’s daughter is scheduled for her 23rd surgery. Their children are in so much pain. They have so many challenges. They want to help. They want to make it better.

Are you there? Do you feel the pressure? Sometimes, the desperation? The pressure to help, to fix it, to make it all go away?

I’ve met moms of kids with disability and special needs who say their child is perfect just the way they are and they wouldn’t do anything to change it. I think their challenges must have been different than mine, because if I could have taken away the extreme amount of pain my child was experiencing, I would have in a heartbeat.

Dear pressured, desperate mom, here is a truth we need to grasp onto for dear life. These children are not ours. They are God’s. We are the stewards of this child for this lifetime, but ultimately, they are His.

He created them. He gave them to us to love, guide and care for them. He has a plan for them. When we feel this pressure to solve, to help, to fix and we cannot or don’t know what to do, we must bring the child (along with our pressures and worries) back to Him, lay the situation in His lap and ask for His help, guidance, insight and intervention.

You, dear mom, don’t need to carry a burden He never intended for you. So, give that part of it to Him, that’s His job. Yours is to love well.

Written by Sarah McGuire

Sarah McGuire  is the Mom of two boys and co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that comes alongside the parents of children impacted by disability on a spiritual and emotional level. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here.