R.E.S.T.

Being a parent often seems like there is never enough time, and often we shortchange ourselves on rest to compensate. Sometimes I thrive on all the hustle and bustle, and other times I feel as though I’m on a speeding train I’d love to make an immediate departure from. The worst part is that sometimes I’m unable to distinguish between the two, propelling me into confusion.  My wife Naomi knows too well, but after I’ve given my best to work and the kids, there isn’t much left for her.  That isn’t fair, or honoring our sacred relationship.  What am I robbing myself of when I deprive myself of rest in all its forms?

Rest.  This is an elusive and mystical word to a parent of young kids, which often makes me think;  “one day I’ll have time for that”  or  “I’ll rest when I’m dead.”  Neither of these views help me give my best to my family.  But I often fall into the trap of pushing myself, keeping busy and just getting the things done that Dad’s need to do.  Do I wear it as a badge of honor?  Possibly, and that is not healthy nor productive. That view is selfish and does nothing to glorify God.  When I can’t be my true (and rested) self, I am robbing the world of the joy God has placed in my heart.  Even if you're SuperMom or SuperDad, be honest, you can’t fake it but for so long.

But I got responsibilities man! Your quick schemes won’t work for me! Yes, it’s a challenge to find rest, or is it?  I think it’s important to remember that Grace through Jesus comes through Him, not through our deeds.  Deeds keep us busy, and we often give too much credit to our works. We spiral into an endless cycle of “doing” in order to prove our worth, and this isn’t just a spiritually manifested issue. 

I can’t give you a definition of what rest looks like, because everyone’s needs are different. But lately I’ve been thinking of an acronym that helps me, and may help you determine how you can weave rest into your schedule, however brief.  Here are my guidelines for R.E.S.T.

Recurring - Make it intentional, and on a schedule that works for you.  Even if it’s locking yourself in the bathroom to escape for 5 minutes (and yes, we have all done it).  Don’t let those little fingers under the door distract you, they will surely survive, as their only aim at that moment is to pull your attention. Setting yourself  boundaries will help you carve out some time.  Isn’t it strange how boundaries can make us more free?  Understanding this has always been a challenge, because as the parent you are always the enforcer.  In my daily rhythm, I try to catch myself “scrolling” and jolt myself into stealing my time back. We all find ourselves scrolling social media, so this is the perfect time to reclaim that few minutes as your own.  I also find that if I wake up before my kids, it’s hard for them to interrupt me during that time.  It’s the absolutely most perfect time of the day, since I tend to be a morning person.

Enjoy - The act of resting should recharge you, which means it should be a departure from your normal routine.  Shock your system by doing something you enjoy, which is something you have probably deprived yourself of as a busy parent.  You will be surprised how even a small burst will recharge your battery. This is a deeply personal choice, dig deep for something God has uniquely placed in your heart. 

Solitary - I’m a social person, so this one is sometimes a struggle for me.  But I find with the constant draw for my attention by my kids, the best rest for me in my current phase of life is often in solitude. It gives me a chance to reflect, which leads to the last and most important part.

Thankful - When you take time away, always do so with a thankful attitude.  You shouldn’t shame yourself while you are taking time away, that will always be self defeating.  The idea of rest (in the form of a sabbath) is deeply Biblical. You can choose to explore any of the scriptures around this topic, but I always fall back on the creation story. If God decided to take a rest, then it’s perfectly fine for you to do so as well! 

As you go about your day, I challenge you to implement these ideas.  Did you notice that it costs nothing?  And that it has no constraints on what you should do, or how long it should take?  You may need to enlist some help for you to carve out a small block of time, this is also perfectly acceptable. It is a process, just make sure that you protect what works for you. Take heart in this, and work on giving a slightly better version of yourself to the world. We are called to let our light shine, so do so with a restful heart.  

Written by Jesse Brubaker

Overcoming Parental Burnout

Help! I’m on the road to parenting burnout and don’t know what to do!

 This is a hard place to be. When we struggle with burnout at work, we can look for another job if needed. When we find ourselves here as parents, it can feel hopeless at times. We can’t just say,  “I’m done being a mom or a dad”. Although my wife has tried that but after a couple hours she’s ready to jump back in.

As parents whose children have additional needs, the recommendations you are about to read will seem difficult and if you are a single parent, they will seem impossible.

So what do we do when we recognize we are showing signs of burnout?

1. Talk to someone and ask for help!

If you are married, let your spouse know where you are at emotionally and ask if they can help with a specific task.  “I am completely overwhelmed and could use extra help for a while. Can you watch the kids for a couple hours while I get groceries?” (You might want to allow extra time to drink a cup of coffee at the local coffee shop and bring one back for your helper. 😁)

If you are a single parent, this is really hard. Do you have a friend that you trust that you can both share where you are at and that you can ask for help from?

It is oddly hard for us to ask for help. There are a lot of reasons for this. We may be thinking that we don’t want to add extra burden on someone else or one of many other excuses.

Here are three things to keep in mind when asking for help:

• Be specific. It is hard for someone to agree to help when they don’t know what they are agreeing to.

• Be flexible. If a person is only available to help during a certain time, what can you reschedule to try to make that time work?

• Let go of perfection. Realize that things may not be done perfectly or the way you would do it. If it is not something that threatens the health of your child, then let it go.

2. Prioritize sleep.

You likely know this is a need already. Our bodies need sleep. This may mean taking a nap as a family. You may need to ask a spouse, friend, someone from church or a babysitter to watch the kids while you take a nap. This may mean that the stack of dishes doesn’t get washed or put away or that load of laundry doesn’t get folded.

3.     See a counselor.

Many churches have an agreement with local counselors and will pay for you to see the therapist. There was a period in our journey when Sarah went to see a therapist that our church provided. The main motivating factor for her was so she could have an hour break.

4.     Establish a routine and minimize multitasking. 

I’ve heard multiple parents express that they are experiencing decision fatigue. Routine will help with this. Establish a two week menu plan so you don’t have to think about what you are going to eat every day and so you can use the same grocery list each time. Determine which outfit you will wear each day of the week and stick with it so you don’t have to think about it every morning. One mom we know wears a t-shirt every Monday that says, “This is my Monday uniform.”

We often feel pressured to multitask. In some cases, I feel like this is especially true for women. The truth about multi-tasking is that it can decrease our productivity by up to 40% and we typically feel more stressed as a result. It is not completely unavoidable, but how can you set boundaries to minimize the amount of multitasking you do in a day. 

5.     Take a break.

It is important to take a break, even if it is only 5 minutes.  Let’s be real though. Sometimes we need a longer break.

Here are some ideas to help with that:

• Talk with your pastor and see if there is grand parent or nurse that would volunteer to  come watch the kids. You don’t even have to go anywhere. You could take a nap!

• Check with area churches and see if any of them provide a respite night for parents of children impacted by disabilities and special needs.

• If you don’t see a church that does this, check out 99 Balloons or Nathaniel’s Hope and see if they come alongside families in your area.

6.     Take care of your body.  

This is often the last thing that we want to do. It adds extra stress when we think about it and seems like more work.

What we put into our bodies can help or hinder our recovery from burnout. Nutrient dense foods provide us with the fuel we need to recover. Our eating habits do impact our overall health, energy levels and how we feel about ourselves.  I’m not saying that we need to always eat organic freshly prepared meals. Sometimes self-care means throwing that frozen pizza in the oven and having a bag of chips.

Related to this is being physically active. Aside from the physical benefits, being active can boost energy and increase those feel good hormones. This doesn’t have to be going to the gym for an hour each day. It can be  as simple as going on a walk with your dog, playing outside with your kids,  or taking time to stretch your body.

7.     Laugh.  

When we are stressed, it can be difficult to find things to smile about and laugh about. Laughter is refreshing and lightens the mood of the entire house. Save a folder on your computer with links to funny videos, jokes, etc. Take a 5 minute laugh break every day and this will help so much with your stress levels. Even fake or forced laughing has been shown to be beneficial. In fact, here is a funny video to help get you started.

Change and recovering our health happen incrementally. Don’t feel like you have to do everything on this list this week, but what is one thing you can do?

Written by Jonathan McGuire

Jonathan McGuire  is  the father of two sons and the co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that comes alongside the parents of children impacted by disability on a spiritual and emotional level. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here.

Hope Anew has launched the Hope Anew Online Community and would love to have you be a part of it! You can learn more at www.HopeAnew.com.  Due to COVID-19, Hope Anew is waiving all membership fees for the community!

Parenting Burnout

It is week number whatever since COVID-19 began and I am making good progress on my coffee stash.  The cutesy Facebook posts highlighting everyone’s Pinterest projects are starting to fade. The smiles are starting to look more strained  as parents are wondering how much longer they will have to be the counselors/craft room directors at “Camp Corona.”

When asked how they are doing, I have heard multiple parents sheepishly reply that they “need a break from their kids.”  

There is a feeling of always being “on” and no end in sight. Parents are helping their kids navigate emotions, trying to come up with activities, and teaching school. They may have less help and support to care for their children impacted by disability. They are helping their children work through interpersonal conflict with each other and trying to come up with out of the box ways for their children to have social interaction. This is all while trying to figure out the rest of life. You know the little things like jobs, bills, taxes, food, and toilet paper.

I’m going to make a comparison that you may find to be controversial and may make you uncomfortable but if we were looking at someone who had these types of stressors at their regular place of employment, we would say that they were at risk of “burnout.”

You may be thinking to yourself, “but parents aren’t allowed to burnout.”

 If you Google burnout, you will get the following definition:

“Burnout is a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. It occurs when you feel overwhelmed, emotionally drained, and unable to meet constant demands.”

Does this sound familiar? In all reality, due to the nature of this journey in special needs and disabilities, you have likely found yourself in this position prior to COVID-19.

In those times where you find yourself fantasizing about a half day where you don’t have to be a parent, a spouse and a care giver, you likely have recoiled and buried the emotion. We feel guilty because we fear it means that we love our families less and are fearful of sharing this emotion with others because we are afraid of what they may think.

I want to encourage you. This feeling doesn’t mean that you love your family less but it is a feeling we should take seriously when we experience it. It serves as a warning.

I recently heard the analogy that batteries only have so much energy that they can expend before they are completely depleted. This is true of us as well.  We know that if we want to use our cell phones tomorrow, we can’t just use them non-stop and not charge them.  Similarly, we need to charge our own batteries. This is done through self-care.

So how are you doing? Do you recognize the signs of burnout in your life? If so, what is one thing you can do today to begin recharging your battery?

If you need ideas for self-care, feel free to download our pdf on “5 Minute Vacations” or watch the video here. We will also be talking about this more in upcoming posts.

Written by Jonathan McGuire

Jonathan McGuire  is  the father of two sons and the co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that comes alongside the parents of children impacted by disability on a spiritual and emotional level. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here.

Hope Anew has launched the Hope Anew Online Community and would love to have you be a part of it! You can learn more at www.HopeAnew.com.

Due to COVID-19, Hope Anew is waiving all membership fees for the community!