This Thanksgiving I’m grateful for grief. That statement is going to make family members scratch their heads when we celebrate the holiday together and I announce that this Thanksgiving I’m grateful for grief.. Chances are, those words are making you, as a family caregiver well acquainted with grief, scratch your head as well.

Five years ago, grief wouldn’t have topped my thankfulness list. Not because I lacked experience with grief…starting as a child in a home where caring for an ill father was our family’s chief concern, then as young parent caring for a medically-fragile baby, and finally as one of three adult children managing our mother’s care as her health failed.

During those days of constant caregiving, grief was my frequent companion. I had little time or energy to address it. Only now, with both my parents released from long suffering and our son an independent adult, have I been able to reflect upon my grief. What I have discovered in the process is yielding a cornucopia of blessings that explain why this Thanksgiving I’m grateful for grief. I’d like to share just 3 of them with you.

My dad lived with multiple sclerosis for 38 years. For 24 of them he lived in the home where my siblings and I were raised. When his needs grew too much for Mom to handle, he resided in a long term care facility for 14 years. Every day he lost something to his terrible disease. Dad could have complained about what he could no longer do. Instead he joked about his fumbling fingers. He grinned wide at visitors and caregivers when he couldn’t remember their names. He relished his food, even when he could no longer feed himself. Though Dad died in 1977, those memories of loss still make me cry. But they also spark gratitude for the way he showed me not only how to live well with loss, but also how he reflected Jesus. Through Dad’s graceful acceptance of his increasing incapacity, he bore silent witness of the grace Jesus displayed during his last days on earth. I am ever grateful for this inheritance, though it was born of grief.
Our son had numerous life-saving surgeries and procedures from birth to age 5 when his health was unstable. I grieved often over what he endured: the loss of a pain-free childhood, frequent illnesses and infections, a feeding tube, holidays spent in the hospital, and the cumulative effects of unresolved trauma. In my grief, I felt my heavenly Father weeping with me as only a parent who has observed the suffering of a beloved child can. His presence was an indescribable comfort. I still cling to it when my mama heart hurts for the inevitable struggles my adult children go through. I am grateful for the sure and steadfast knowledge that I serve a God who weeps, a gratitude I would never have known but for going through such heart-wrenching grief.
My intelligent, determined mother lived with dementia for 15 years. Her final 3 years were a revolving door of mental and physical suffering that resisted all efforts to mitigate it. Every day I begged God to ease her pain. He rarely chose to answer my prayer as I wanted. Before each visit to her long term care facility, I asked God for strength and wisdom about how to be her voice to doctors, nurses and CNAs. About how to ease her suffering for a few minutes. He answered those prayers in amazing ways. He granted me fierceness to stand firm in my advocacy at her care facility. He granted me clarity about what to say or read to coax Mom to smile or relive in a happy memory for a moment or two. Most important of all, he taught me how to love without expecting recognition or thanks in return. I am grateful for being a faithful presence in Mom’s final, hard years. I am even grateful for the grief I carry due to God’s decision not to ease her great pain.

Someday in my earthly future God in his grace may reveal his reasons. If he does, there will be a future Thanksgiving when I will once again tell my head-scratching family why I am grateful for grief and write a blog post to tell you about it too.

Written by Jolene Philo

Jolene Philo is the author of several books for the caregiving community. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. She’s also the creator and host of the Different Dream website. Sharing Love Abundantly With Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities, which she co-authored with Dr. Gary Chapman is available at local bookstores, their bookstore website, and Amazon. See Jane Dig!, the fourth book in the West River cozy mystery series, which features characters affected by disability, was released in October of 2024.

This Thanksgiving I’m Grateful for Grief