“Virtually Lost” At School This Year

As parents of three kids attempting to tackle kindergarten, preschool and second grade, it’s about all we can do to not throw in the towel this year. The cacophony of sound from multiple devices, kids refusing to mute and yelling, and our tiny dog barking is a comedy show each day. Each of our kids has different needs and abilities, and I’m inadequately trained to do all but the simplest school activities with them.  I only have to manage the chaos of virtual school one day per week, but it’s humbling every time. Often I can’t get signed on, and I question how much my kids are actually learning in this environment.  

From the sensory barrage that is a tidal wave, one thing I do know they are learning is how to deal with adversity.

Unlike our Heavenly Father, as parents, we  aren’t endowed with omnipotent knowledge on virtual meetings, math, or craft projects. In times like these, our deficiencies become sharply clear as we are exposed.

Unfortunately, kids often view our struggles as a complete breakdown of their parents sovereignty. They are used to us having the answers. I’m sure every parent has the memory of realizing their own parents inability to adequately provide. In that moment, a veil has been torn in their childhood reality. 

What a hard reality for a kid to try and understand, but we shouldn’t try and shield them from the fact we are human. But within this new reality are a few teachable moments, the dreaded teachable moment!

So what’s a regular Dad like me supposed to do in these situations? 

It’s a common trope that “more is taught than caught” with kids, and we know every child is watching their parents with a careful eye at all times. This brief window of time we are in virtual school allows my children see what their Dad’s true super power is: not giving up when things get hard.  This is something we often talk about, but being totally out of my areas of competency forces me to put my lectures into action. Woe to the parent who has loaded their teaching with finger wagging one liners like “patience is a virtue!” or “You will thank me one day!” as turn about may be fair play when the kids have you in the fetal position on the floor out of desperation. Even when we (the parental units) are on the ropes, our kids always rally when they see us make a comeback. 

Raising children with disabilities, you are preparing them for the additional hurdles they will always have to contend with. So show up, and dig in. It’s OK to let them know you are struggling, ask them to pray with you and seek God’s help. Jesus prepared his disciples in how to pray.

Prayer is a powerful weapon, and I don’t ask my kids to use it enough. As my kids and I struggle, it often seems to put a wedge between us (parent/child), but if we can see our issue as something to fight together, we grow in strength. Not only do we know that this helps our children cope with issues, it’s also a scripturally sound practice.

Matthew 18:20 talks about how Jesus is with us when two or more are gathered in his name. Although this verse is regarding sin, don’t let a struggle between you and your child become the “sin.”   Call out the adversity together, large or small. This isn’t about shifting blame, but just being real and admitting “we can’t get the iPad to work, AGAIN, and yes I’ll write an email to the teacher letting them know we were trying.”  It’s often in this critical moment where I get a chance to shine in teaching about perseverance. My child is putting their faith in me and for a brief moment I have their full attention, so how do you consciously or unconsciously respond to the struggle?  

Jesus set such an amazing example of patience and reserved strength in the face of adversity. Even in his hardest challenges, he rose to the occasion to set things right and speak truth (think of his temptations by satan in the wilderness). His approaches were infinitely clever, and in addition to loving people fully, his secondary tactics were never the same (think of all the interactions with Pharisees). There were many circumstances that Jesus encountered that were less than favorable, and often people were actively trying to trip him up or prove him wrong.  And in all this, he was leading with love by making time to teach lessons to his disciples.  That is the way we need to approach overcoming adversity with our children. Not despite the hardships we face, but because of them. 

Often on my virtual school days I feel as though I’m on the verge of my own temper tantrum, and having my kids see me walk back from that ledge is a powerful message. We all fall short of the example Jesus set for us, but if I’m leading with love and showing them the struggles of this world are no match for His provision, that is a win. Sometimes they don’t work out the way we planned, but that’s OK. We get extra recess because we don’t get this blessing of quality time back. Then, like magic, the iPad connects to the meeting, which can only be attributed to divine intervention.

Written by Jesse Brubaker

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Jesse Brubaker is a father of 3 little ladies and married to Naomi Brubaker.   He loves food, and is especially skilled at making huge messes in the kitchen. He grew up on a small family run Christmas tree farm in Central Virginia & is now a commissioned missionary working toward moving to France to help bring the gospel to Europe.

Who Needs Some Grace?

As we step closer and closer to the start of the 2020-2021 school year, for most of us, there are a ton of unknowns; more unknowns than I would typically encounter with the start of the school year.  All of this has me spinning in a perpetual whirl of worry and confusion and wondering,

“Am I doing the right thing?”

For me, there feels like so there are many choices but none of them are the ones I feel really good or excited about. 

A few weeks ago I was spinning in a sea of worry about the Fall and the idea of needing a lot of grace and understanding in this season was impressed upon me.  I began thinking of all the people I would be extending grace to this Fall and all the people that would be extending grace back to me.

1. My kids- This is ALL new for them. This is disappointing, hard, confusing, sad and filled with unknowns. There is a big sense of loss for their connections with their teacher and their peers. 

2. Their teacher- Teachers have not been taught to teach like this!  As a former special education teacher, I can not fathom how I might prepare for a semester of teaching my students online.  I know the heart of most teachers is to be with kids, lead them to love learning and be successful, thriving students.  What most teachers are having to prepare for goes against how they were wired at their core to care for kids and ignite a strong desire for learning.

3. Other families- The more I talk to people, the more I become aware that everyone is experiencing this differently.  There are a small number of people who are thriving in Covid, a few that are really struggling and many that are somewhere on the spectrum in between.  This range of views and sentiments towards this disorienting experience is hard to navigate with other families and friends.  

4. Myself- I have the tendency to try to control things more than I should. I have struggled to strike a good balance of being all the roles I am needed in in this season.  There is simply not enough time and energy to do all of this to the full extent.  

5. My spouse- He is a fabulous supporter, cheerleader, and a loving husband and father.  Part of his day is spent out of the house working his full time job.  Sometimes, the ability to leave the house feels like a special privilege, especially when I think about what my day will entail.     

6. School administrators/IEP team- My daughter’s intervention team tried to meet just after school closed in early March.  At that time they didn’t even know how to sign documents to initiate her evaluation.  As the months have passed, they have figured out many things, but there are still so many unknowns. Her evaluation has not even been initiated! Her accommodations are mostly supports I have to implement at home for her success in a virtual format.  With no manual on how to navigate this we have had to be very patient with the school team and offer them a lot of grace as they try to figure out what to do.  I am not implying that we compromise our child’s education for the circumstances, but offer a large measure of patience when working through the challenges as a team.

The list could go on, to include employers, immediate family members and many more. 

So what does extending grace look like practically?  Being OK with the unknowns, things being slower, loud and messy.  Maybe this looks like doing the opposite of what you are inclined to do or say.  

Maybe grace in this season looks like focusing on personal self-care.  Taking small moments of deep breathing, breath prayers, walks, enjoying nature and going to bed earlier are some simple ways to care for ourselves during the day.  Try using some of the sensory strategies we use with our kids on ourselves to remain calm. Make yourself a cup of tea and look out the window for birds.

Maybe grace in this season looks like stepping up our organization game. Packing lunches the night before, laying out clothes and waking up earlier can help us be able to better focus on the hard things that we will encounter during the day.  Creating visual schedules and using timers or alarms on our smart devices can help us not miss the virtual check-ins with the teachers.  

But maybe ultimately grace in this new school year can look like us being more realistic, more loving and more flexible with everyone and everything we encounter.  And ultimately, that is the example I want to set for my children, as now more than ever, they are watching me and learning from my actions.

Written by Naomi Brubaker

Naomi is a mom of 3 girls ages 7, 5, and 2.  Her oldest daughter is diagnosed with ADHD and a visual processing disorder.  Her family lives in Richmond Virginia where Naomi leads the special needs ministry at their church.  Her background in special education and ability to understand parents from her experiences with her daughter give her a unique perspective in her role at the church.  Naomi loves to run, sew and take walks with her husband with any free time she has.