Overcoming Parental Burnout
Help! I’m on the road to parenting burnout and don’t know what to do!
Written by Jonathan McGuire
Help! I’m on the road to parenting burnout and don’t know what to do!
This is a hard place to be. When we struggle with burnout at work, we can look for another job if needed. When we find ourselves here as parents, it can feel hopeless at times. We can’t just say, “I’m done being a mom or a dad”. Although my wife has tried that but after a couple hours she’s ready to jump back in.
As parents whose children have additional needs, the recommendations you are about to read will seem difficult and if you are a single parent, they will seem impossible.
So what do we do when we recognize we are showing signs of burnout?
1. Talk to someone and ask for help!
If you are married, let your spouse know where you are at emotionally and ask if they can help with a specific task. “I am completely overwhelmed and could use extra help for a while. Can you watch the kids for a couple hours while I get groceries?” (You might want to allow extra time to drink a cup of coffee at the local coffee shop and bring one back for your helper. 😁)
If you are a single parent, this is really hard. Do you have a friend that you trust that you can both share where you are at and that you can ask for help from?
It is oddly hard for us to ask for help. There are a lot of reasons for this. We may be thinking that we don’t want to add extra burden on someone else or one of many other excuses.
Here are three things to keep in mind when asking for help:
Be specific. It is hard for someone to agree to help when they don’t know what they are agreeing to.
Be flexible. If a person is only available to help during a certain time, what can you reschedule to try to make that time work?
Let go of perfection. Realize that things may not be done perfectly or the way you would do it. If it is not something that threatens the health of your child, then let it go.
2. Prioritize sleep.
You likely know this is a need already. Our bodies need sleep. This may mean taking a nap as a family. You may need to ask a spouse, friend, someone from church or a babysitter to watch the kids while you take a nap. This may mean that the stack of dishes doesn’t get washed or put away or that load of laundry doesn’t get folded.
3. See a counselor.
Many churches have an agreement with local counselors and will pay for you to see the therapist. There was a period in our journey when Sarah went to see a therapist that our church provided. The main motivating factor for her was so she could have an hour break.
4. Establish a routine and minimize multitasking.
I’ve heard multiple parents express that they are experiencing decision fatigue. Routine will help with this. Establish a two week menu plan so you don’t have to think about what you are going to eat every day and so you can use the same grocery list each time. Determine which outfit you will wear each day of the week and stick with it so you don’t have to think about it every morning. One mom we know wears a t-shirt every Monday that says, “This is my Monday uniform.”
We often feel pressured to multitask. In some cases, I feel like this is especially true for women. The truth about multi-tasking is that it can decrease our productivity by up to 40% and we typically feel more stressed as a result. It is not completely unavoidable, but how can you set boundaries to minimize the amount of multitasking you do in a day.
5. Take a break.
It is important to take a break, even if it is only 5 minutes. Let’s be real though. Sometimes we need a longer break.
Here are some ideas to help with that:
Talk with your pastor and see if there is grand parent or nurse that would volunteer to come watch the kids. You don’t even have to go anywhere. You could take a nap!
Check with area churches and see if any of them provide a respite night for parents of children impacted by disabilities and special needs.
If you don’t see a church that does this, check out 99 Balloons or Nathaniel’s Hope and see if they come alongside families in your area.
6. Take care of your body.
This is often the last thing that we want to do. It adds extra stress when we think about it and seems like more work.
What we put into our bodies can help or hinder our recovery from burnout. Nutrient dense foods provide us with the fuel we need to recover. Our eating habits do impact our overall health, energy levels and how we feel about ourselves. I’m not saying that we need to always eat organic freshly prepared meals. Sometimes self-care means throwing that frozen pizza in the oven and having a bag of chips.
Related to this is being physically active. Aside from the physical benefits, being active can boost energy and increase those feel good hormones. This doesn’t have to be going to the gym for an hour each day. It can be as simple as going on a walk with your dog, playing outside with your kids, or taking time to stretch your body.
7. Laugh.
When we are stressed, it can be difficult to find things to smile about and laugh about. Laughter is refreshing and lightens the mood of the entire house. Save a folder on your computer with links to funny videos, jokes, etc. Take a 5 minute laugh break every day and this will help so much with your stress levels. Even fake or forced laughing has been shown to be beneficial. In fact, here is a funny video to help get you started.
Change and recovering our health happen incrementally. Don’t feel like you have to do everything on this list this week, but what is one thing you can do?
Written by Jonathan McGuire
Jonathan McGuire is the father of two sons and the co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that comes alongside the parents of children impacted by disability on a spiritual and emotional level. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here.
Hope Anew has launched the Hope Anew Online Community and would love to have you be a part of it! You can learn more at www.HopeAnew.com. Due to COVID-19, Hope Anew is waiving all membership fees for the community!
The Prayers You Say Waiting at the Food Counter
One of the most challenging things to do as a special needs parent is to take your child out to crowded public places, specifically restaurants, as there is frequently a great deal of stimulus and activity.
Written by John Felageller
“And those servants went out into the roads and gathered all whom they found, both bad and good. So the wedding hall was filled with guests.” (Matt. 22:10 ESV)
One of the most challenging things to do as a special needs parent is to take your child out to crowded public places, specifically restaurants, as there is frequently a great deal of stimulus and activity. There are also lots of variables, even when you go to a place you’ve been to before and your child is experienced with, as everyday can bring something different. But when you go to a completely new place, then it can quickly feel like the whole world is up for grabs, and you do your best to try to assess the situation quickly.
One recent weekend, I found myself in a new restaurant with my son and while I was excited to eat there with him, I realized the difficulties that were going to come with it soon after we entered.
It was relatively empty with only a few tables being used in the main dining area, but I still chose a table as far back as possible as I have become accustomed to, and told him to wait while I ordered the food. I raced up to the counter and began to scan the rather full menu and made choices as quickly as possible, when all of a sudden I heard a peculiar sound. I turned to the side to glance over at my son, assuming the worst, and standing there I observed my son having opened a folding door near our table. The folding door covered up some mechanical things in the restaurant and he had become very curious with the machinery, and the folding door. I quickly put my order in, paid and ran back over to my son to let him know to stop and he couldn’t do that, but the whole time in between the ordering and getting back to the table seemed like forever. I could have easily just screamed across the restaurant at him but I didn’t want to embarrass him, yet I couldn’t help but start to feel embarrassed anyway.
I went right back up to the counter to wait for the food, and grabbed all of my necessary cutlery and napkins and such, and went right back to the table while we waited for the food to arrive, changing the apps on his Ipad to keep him distracted. The food came a few minutes later and that instantly calmed him, as usual, and we proceeded to have a relaxing time. That is, until it was time for him to be done, and after sitting for an extended time deciding he was done and needing to get up and walk. I promptly cleaned up and we went to the bathroom and left, getting through another meal the same way we usually do, but also grateful that we didn’t have a scene with him opening the closet door earlier. But as we walked out I remembered that not one person made a comment to us the entire time we were there, and I considered that maybe even after all these as a special needs parent, I still struggle.
I struggle with my son being called out for bad behavior, or actions that just don’t look normal, or with myself for appearing like some frantic parent who can’t handle their child. But the fact remains that when no one makes those comments, and when we can get in and out of a restaurant without a comment or even a look, I wonder to myself, am I trusting the prayers I say while i wait at the food counter? Am I believing in the God I pray to that he is hearing me when I struggle with those experiences, and remember the power in the prayers that I say when I need his help the most? It is a solemn wake up call for me, that the God I pray to once reminded us that all should be invited to the wedding feast, so that every table, and every heart, was full.
Written by John Felageller
