To The Mom Who Is Broken

Sarah couldn’t sleep all night. I heard her come into the bedroom and could see the hint of sunlight coming in from behind our curtains, when I finally heard the gentle rhythm of her breath indicating she was asleep. She was no longer staying awake at night because she was with a child who needed her. She was awake because of her own health struggles. It was going to be another rough day.

 Later in the day, she would greet me in her perpetual state of exhaustion. Sadness and frustration in her eyes as she wished she could do more, be the wife and mom that she always dreamed of being, and make memories together as a family as we did activities together.

 Her brokenness was not a lack of motivation or desire but a reality that stood like a locked door with the life she wanted on the other side.

 A couple years ago, we were visiting with an older couple who had walked this journey of special needs before us. The wife shared that through the process of raising their son, she became broken. Her old self died and she was no longer the same woman that she used to be.

This resonated with Sarah and it may resonate with many of you. At first, I was so close to the pain that it grieved me. I didn’t want to accept the truth of the statement. I didn’t want to let go.

Time has passed and the sentiment still holds true in Sarah’s mind.  However my perspective has changed as I see that while there was a death of her old self, the person she has become is so much more.

It may seem cliché, but to me, the change more resembles that of a caterpillar changing to a butterfly.  When a caterpillar is in its chrysalis, it goes from eating everything in sight and growing, to being dormant for a period of days to weeks. At the end of this time it struggles to finally emerge from its cocoon, unfurl a beautiful set of wings and then launches into a life it could never have imagined as a butterfly.

I once heard the story of a child who watched a butterfly struggle as it was coming out of its chrysalis. The child felt so bad for the butterfly struggling that she tried to help by freeing it of its encasement.

The butterfly was never able to fly and it died. It needed the struggle to build the strength to fly.

 Sarah may never have the strength to do what she did before, and while she is delicate, she has become much more beautiful than before she was broken.

Where are you at? Do you miss who you were and how strong you used to be? Do you, like Sarah, feel like a significant part of you has died and you are no longer the person you once were? Do you feel like you are failing others and at times like you just want to cry?

Be encouraged, in your weakness these struggles are strengthening you. You are beautiful and you are loved.

He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.

Psalms 147:3

Written by Jonathan McGuire

Jonathan McGuire  is  the father of two sons and the co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that comes alongside the parents of children impacted by disability on a spiritual and emotional level. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here.

Dear Exhausted, Wrung-out & Frazzled Mom

Dear Exhausted, Wrung-out & Frazzled Mom,

I see you. I see you struggling to make it through the day, your child’s melt downs, the medical appointments, and the therapies. I see the desperation in your eyes. I see the heartache as you are alongside your child in the midst of their ongoing pain.

I see that you are on the verge of collapse and the idea of having to do one more thing overwhelms you. I see the loneliness as you feel alone in this journey. I see you slump your shoulders when someone mentions self-care and the guilt you face at the idea you need to take a break and your child doesn’t get one. I see you and I get it. 

Our inclination as parents is to keep on pushing. We push until we can’t push any longer. It’s not a badge of honor but born out of what we feel is necessity. The idea of taking care of ourselves just seems like an impracticality and can increase our feelings of guilt on multiple levels.

This weekend I was asked “How do I know when I should pause to take care of myself?” If you are reading this letter, then the time is now. 

When our youngest son was a year and a half my wife, Sarah, had a physical and emotional break down. She had been pushing and pushing, only getting a minimal amount of sleep each day. It was a Sunday morning when she broke down. Sarah who was not normally a crier wept all the way through the church service and all the way home. She cried herself to sleep, slept for 22 hours, woke up, cried some more and slept for another 17 hours.

The thing is, she didn’t wake up feeling refreshed and like she could keep going. She was exhausted. Her hormones were shot and today, ten and a half years later, her health is still struggling. 

As a husband and a father, I implore you to take that time now. Don’t wait until it is too late. Your family and your child need you there for the long term. Please take that time, even if it is only five minutes a day.

Self-care doesn’t always have to be something that is grand. Just five minutes a day is a good place to start. Take time to breath. Smell your favorite scented soap as you wash your hands. Eat a piece of dark chocolate. Lay in your bed with your headphones on and listen to your favorite song. 

Self-care is not an extravagance. It is not selfish. It is necessary. Please take care of yourself before it is too late. 

What are one or two things you can do today to take care of yourself? It is that important.

Written by Jonathan McGuire

Jonathan McGuire is the father of two sons and the co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that comes alongside the parents of children impacted by disability on a spiritual and emotional level. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here.