3 Ways To Focus On How Our Children Are Fearfully and Wonderfully Made
We love our children fiercely. We would do anything to care for them and provide for all their additional needs. Though our children can feel like our whole world, there are also times it is easy to wish things were different for them. Written by Jenn Soehnlin
We love our children fiercely. We would do anything to care for them and provide for all their additional needs. Though our children can feel like our whole world, there are also times it is easy to wish things were different for them. To compare them to other children and wish things came easier. To focus on their health and their weaknesses and struggles and additional needs. To feel like there’s no end to the tunnel of appointments and accommodations and needs our children will have. And we lose sight of the fact that our child is “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14).
It has taken me years of parenting two children with special needs to stop focusing so much on their delays and differences and weaknesses and instead focus on just how uniquely and beautifully God made them.
It’s a mindset shift I’m still working on today, but one that has helped my heart immensely. It has allowed me to enjoy my children more and to be proud to be their mother. There are three ways in particular that have helped me focus on my children more like I imagine God does.
First – Focus on Your Child’s Victories
It’s so easy to see how far our child has to go to catch up with their peers. To see how slow the progress can be sometimes. But we have to be intentional to focus on the positive. To focus on each and every victory, no matter how small it may seem.
In the Genesis account of God creating the world, He said “it was good,” after everything He created. He didn’t just say “it was good,” when it was all done. We must do that too. Celebrate every milestone and every hard-fought inch in-between. After all, they are all victories and all deserve celebration.
And we shouldn’t just celebrate those developmental victories, but spiritual ones as well. When you see your child exhibiting any of the fruit of the Spirit, praise and celebrate that. When you see your child grasp a deeper understanding of God’s love for them, celebrate that.
I’m sure God is celebrating right along with us. He knows how hard our children have worked on each and every skill and He cares about the things we care about.
Reflection: What are some of the latest victories you’ve seen in your child(ren)?
Second – Focus on Your Child’s Heart
“But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart,” (1 Samuel 16:7).
While Jesse didn’t think his youngest son looked like a king, and in fact didn’t even have David come in from tending the sheep to present to Jesse to be a future king, David’s heart was the one that God knew was right for the job.
It is easy to focus on our children’s outward appearance, their development, their health, their behaviors, and their struggles, and not on their heart. To not focus on those personality traits and strengths and gifts and passions that are unique to them. To not see the fruit of the spirit they exhibit in their lives. To not see how they give and receive love. To not see and nurture those deeper aspects of who they are that makes them so unique, so wonderful, and such a blessing to our lives.
Reflection: In what ways do you focus more on your child’s outward appearance than you do their heart? What can you do to show your child(ren) how much you love their heart?
Third – Focus on Your Child’s Gifts and Passions
In Exodus 31:1-6 God tells Moses about how He designed and gifted Bezalei. God says “I have filled him with the Spirit of God, with skill, ability and knowledge in all kinds of crafts-to make artistic designs for work in gold, silver and bronze, to cut and set stones, to work in wood, and to engage in all kinds of craftsmanship.” You can sense the pride in God’s voice as He brags about Bezalei using his gifts and skills. This was the man that God had chosen to build His holy tabernacle, where God’s presence would reside.
When you have a child with special needs, it’s easy to want to focus on the areas they need to improve, rather than focus on their strengths and passions and giftings. Our children have gifts and talents that God wants us to help nurture and steward in our children.
They have something awesome to offer the kingdom of God too. And we have the honor of coming alongside them and helping them identify and use and grow their gifts and skills and passions.
Reflection: What are some of your child(ren)’s gifts and passions?
What can you do to nurture those gifts and passions?
* * *
It’s an intentional mindset shift, choosing to focus on these aspects of our children when it can be so easy to focus on other things. But by choosing to focus on seeing our children as God does, it will help you find the beauty in the way God uniquely, fearfully, and wonderfully crafted your child(ren).
Reflection: Which of these ways do you find easiest to focus on your child(ren)?
Which ways do you want to be more intentional in focusing on your child(ren) like God does?
Written by Jenn Soehnlin
Jenn Soehnlin is the mother of two young boys who are precious blessings and who both have special needs. She is the author of Embracing This Special Life: Learning to Flourish as a Mother of a Child with Special Needs.
Jenn enjoys blogging about faith, praying scripture, and special needs parenting at www.embracing.life.
Embracing Your Child's Heart
I constantly worried about my four year old son’s development and his multiple diagnosis. I continually analyzed how far behind he was his peers…Written by Jenn Soehnlin
I constantly worried about my four year old son’s development and his multiple diagnosis. I continually analyzed how far behind he was his peers, even children years younger than him, and watched them do effortlessly what we’d been working on for months and sometimes even years in therapy. I was so focused on my son’s development, I wasn’t enjoying just being his mom.
And then my two year old son began receiving a few diagnoses of his own. I found it very easy to focus on his anxiety and strong-willed nature, and how I wished he had neither. I resented his strong-willed personality, his anxious behaviors and meltdowns with all the other stressful things and never-ending appointments I was dealing with. I was so focused on my son’s behaviors, I wasn’t enjoying just being his mom.
And then I read this verse:
“But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7).
I’d read and heard this verse many times, but I’d never put it in the context of my own children. The verse convicted me initially. I definitely was focusing on their outward appearance and their development and their behavior and not on their heart.
But then the verse freed me to love and embrace my children for who they are, how God uniquely crafted them.
Looking at the heart
Once I started looking at my older son’s heart, rather than his development and skills, I found so much to be thankful for, so many strengths and passions and gifts to nurture in him. For the first time in a long time, I truly just enjoyed being his mother and enjoyed spending time with him.
Once I started looking at my younger son’s heart, I started to see what the behavior was indicating. He wanted a little more attention from his frazzled mama. A little more structure in our days, since each day’s schedule was different with various never-ending appointments and errands. And once I started getting more intentional about giving him some undivided attention and more structure in our schedule, his overwhelming behaviors slowly stabilized to a more manageable level as he began to feel more nurtured and supported. We began to have a lot more fun together.
It’s easy to focus on our children’s outward appearance or behavior or development. It is easy to compare our children to other children. But we are called to look at our children’s hearts, as God does.
It takes an intentional mindset shift to make it happen, but by striving to focus on how God uniquely crafted my children, and their hearts, their gifts and passions, it is bringing so much joy and purpose into my parenting.
Written by Jenn Soehnlin
Jenn Soehnlin is a mother to two boys who are precious blessings and who both have special needs. She is the author of Embracing This Special Life: Learning to Flourish as a Mother of a Child with Special Needs.
Jenn enjoys blogging about faith and special needs parenting at www.embracing.life.
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True Gifts
Can you remember the joy of Christmas morning as a child? The expectation and wonder of it all? Written by Kevin O’Brien
“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.”
Can you remember the joy of Christmas morning as a child? The expectation and wonder of it all? I remember waking up ridiculously early on Christmas morning after a late night at my grandparents’ house for Christmas Eve.
It’s interesting being on the other side, waiting, not to get presents, but to give them to my kids.
As I write this, it is four days before Christmas. Last night my wife said that she couldn’t wait for this Christmas because of a couple of things that the kids are going to get. She can’t wait for their reactions and neither can I.
Our oldest has largely achieved that detached high school phase of being somewhat above all of this. I think that he’s going to be a bit surprised. Sierra is too young to have given up the wonder. Nathan, well, Nathan is the best of us all when it comes to presents, there can be absolutely no doubt.
It’s been that way for Christmas and birthdays as long as I can remember. Nate cannot suppress what he is feeling—good or bad—about anything. He cannot dissemble and make you think that he is patiently waiting, or you got him the best thing ever when in fact he really doesn’t like it. No, whatever Nate thinks, you are going to know. If it’s great he exclaims with glee, grins as wide as he can, and poses for a picture holding the present up in front of himself. If the present is okay but not terribly exciting, the process is much quicker, and he’s on to the next one.
One Christmas, we got him a movie that we knew he liked. As soon as he opened it we knew that we had made a miscalculation. “That’s the wrong present!” he loudly protested with no concept that he was making his mother feel bad, that it is not polite to say such things, or that he is supposed to be grateful that someone wanted to buy him something they thought he would like. Concrete thinker. Concrete problem. Concrete solution. Let the world know that this is not right. And I do not exaggerate by much when I say world.
We thought that we solved the problem by getting his older brother to trade DVDs with him: Monsters Versus Aliens for Kung Fu Panda. It seemed to work. The day went on; I seem to recall that it got better. At least we stopped the immediate crisis. And then it started.
For the next several weeks Nathan decided that he needed to tell people that he got the wrong present. After the initial shock, we could laugh about it. When he tells grandma, who adores him and does a very good job of getting him to act appropriately, it’s one thing. You can smile and have a laugh because it is delivered in such a matter of fact manner.
It feels a lot different when he decides that he needs to tell the random clerk at the store, or the librarian, or someone at church—people who have no context or clue who he is, much less why he would be volunteering such information. It can get a bit embarrassing. Disheartening. And while there is no rational need to do so, you feel like you have to explain the whole story. What happened, and the fact that he has autism, so he’s still obsessing in it two weeks later. Three months later. Occasionally over a year later. It’s amazing how long things stick.
The difference between Nate and me is that I can hide my disappointment. He can’t roll with the punches or make someone think that the gift they thought was so great was indeed just that great. I can. All the while I am wondering what on earth they were thinking. This? Really? I got the wrong present! Perhaps I am not so different from my son.
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that I am not alone. On my worst days I must admit to wondering if James 1:17 is true. Does God really give us good gifts? Perfect? Really? I don’t think so. Have you really noticed what my son is going through, God? Do you really care? How is this child a good gift? My worst days. I love my son, let’s be clear. But the stress and the anxiety and the sheer exhaustion of it all pile up. And I know that I don’t have it that bad. I know people who have to deal with far worse things, far more taxing things.
But I said that Nate is the best of us at presents. The DVD episode was certainly not that. But the same honesty regarding that one gift is the reason he is the best. When Nathan turned nine or ten, we had a party with my family for him. He was opening presents, making out like a bandit, when he came to a specific present. The present that everyone in the room knew he was getting. The present he gets every year.
Every year Nate gets paper and markers because he loves to draw. Everyone knows he’s getting them. Everyone knows that he loves them. None of us were prepared for his reaction.
The wrapping paper came off and I could hear the smile on his face even though I was standing behind him. He read the label with glee, “Plain white paper! My favorite!” Yes. You read that right. A ream of printer paper. One with a label that literally read “plain white paper”. I think that everyone in the room about died laughing. I almost wept.
The truth is that Nathan is a gift. A gift unlike any I could have imagined.
I’m not much for surprises, but sometimes the best gifts are the ones that surprise. The ones that don’t cost a lot or come in fancy boxes. They aren’t things at all. Read the entire first chapter of James and you’ll get an entirely different sense of what is important and what a good and perfect gift might look like.
Our wants and desires change, they shift like shadows. What we want one minute is not what we want the next. Most of the time we don’t even know what we want. We need to learn to trust our Father of heavenly lights. To see that the gifts He gives are the best kind. He is the one who redeems us in our imperfections. Who uses the very things that are our weaknesses to confound the wise (and us, I might add). Who shows us what He can do with our imperfections and those of our autistic children.
My other children love their presents (mostly). But neither of them can hold a candle to Nathan’s wonder. He is brutally honest. He can be embarrassing in his reactions in front of strangers. And then you get hit right smack between the eyes with the two by four of “Plain white paper! My favorite!” And you realize that the best gifts are not the ones you thought they were.
And that is why Nate is the best at getting gifts. (Just wait ‘til he sees the Lego mug!).
Written by Kevin O’Brien
This article is a shortened version of Kevin O’Brien’s writing in Life On The Spectrum. To read more from Kevin and the other authors of Life On The Spectrum check out www.lifeonthespectrumbook.com or order the book below. Because no two people with autism are the same, Life on the Spectrum’s authors all bring their unique perspective and experiences to the table. Their honest, raw and heartfelt stories show how God is at work in the real-world struggles of families impacted by autism.
