When Being Thankful Is Hard As a Special Needs Parent
When being thankful is hard as a special needs parent––and let's not beat around the bush, watching our children struggle doesn't lend itself to loud hosannas––how do we approach Thanksgiving? How do we cultivate gratitude without sugar coating the challenges in our kids' lives? How can we be grateful when a child's condition is going from bad to worse, and we can find nothing to be grateful for? Written by Jolene Philo
When being thankful is hard as a special needs parent––and let's not beat around the bush, watching our children struggle doesn't lend itself to loud hosannas––how do we approach Thanksgiving? How do we cultivate gratitude without sugar coating the challenges in our kids' lives? How can we be grateful when a child's condition is going from bad to worse, and we can find nothing to be grateful for?
I stared down those questions more than once when our baby boy struggled to stay alive.
The first time was during my first Thanksgiving as a parent. By then our six-month-old had endured 2 major surgeries, a three week NICU stay, a week long PICU stay, two dozen early morning GI procedures, and an overnight hospital stay on Halloween weekend. I was sleep-deprived, grieving, and my breasts were sore after months of pumping milk for our tube-fed baby who could tolerate nothing but breast milk. The thought of being thankful for my child's precarious state of health and the pain our baby had endured was unimaginable. Cruel.
I couldn't do it.
The week after my thankless Thanksgiving, I did what proud, new parents everywhere do. I composed a Christmas letter, complete with pictures of our baby boy in his elf costume, to mail to the many friends and family members who had faithfully prayed for us since our son's birth. As I reread Luke 1 and 2, looking for a verse for the end of the letter, the story of Jesus' birth came alive for me in a way it never had before. For the first time, I understood the enormity of what God had done in sending His Son to earth to live among sinners and die to save them. I understood that while God knew the good that would come through the death of Jesus, the sacrifice he made broke his heart.
In that moment, for the first time since I had become a parent, gratitude flooded my soul.
Not for my son's condition. Not for the anguish my husband and I had experienced. Not for our son's life. Not for healing. Not for doctors. Not for modern medicine. Not for the family and friends who had rallied around us. Not for any of the things clueless people said should make me thankful as the parent of a child with special needs.
I was grateful because God, the ruler of the universe, knew my pain.
Instead of commanding me to be grateful, he shared my broken heart. He sat with me. He put his arm around me. He cried with me. He said, "I know. It hurts. Go ahead and cry. Borrow my hankie. Take as long as you need. I'm here for you."
When being thankful is hard as a special needs parent this Thanksgiving, remember that he is here for you too.
He's not asking you to be grateful for the challenges in your child's life. He's not asking you to deny your emotions. He's not asking you to act like everything is okay. He's not asking you to soldier on. He's asking you to lean into him. To cry on his shoulder. To cling to his compassion until one day, a day you can not yet imagine, you realize you have someone to be thankful for.
Jolene Philo is the mother of a son born with life-threatening special needs and the daughter of a father severely affected by multiple sclerosis. In her 25 years as an educator, she integrated children with special needs into her classroom. She’s written 5 books about caregiving, special needs parenting, and childhood PTSD. She recently co-authored a book with Dr. Gary Chapman about how parents of kids with special needs can use the 5 love languages in their families. Jolene speaks at conferences around the country and internationally, facilitates classes about childhood trauma for educators, and trains special needs ministry leaders and volunteers. She blogs at www.DifferentDream.com. She and her husband live in Iowa.
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Giving Thanks When You Don't Feel Thankful
When you are struggling to find things to be thankful for in everyday life, here are five truths about God that you can praise Him for this Thanksgiving season. Written by Jonathan McGuire
It’s two weeks from Thanksgiving. For many households around the United States, Thanksgiving means turkey dinner, pumpkin pie, family reunions and football. It will often include a round of everyone sharing something that they are thankful for.
What does Thanksgiving mean for you and your family?
When we were new to this journey, Thanksgiving meant trying to figure out how to feed our son his specialty diet at the larger family get togethers, sensory overload, and missing old traditions while trying to learn enough to make new traditions.
Perhaps this is where you find yourself. When you are in this spot, it can be difficult to find things to be thankful for and you may feel disingenuous trying to muster the energy to celebrate, when all you feel is overwhelmed.
When you are struggling to find things to be thankful for in everyday life, here are five truths about God that you can praise Him for this Thanksgiving season.
God is with you. – Psalm 23:4 “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and staff, they comfort me.”
He is in control.- Psalms 73:26 “My flesh and heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart.”
He understands your pain. – Psalms 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
You are loved – John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believe in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
He has a plan - 1 Corinthians 12:18 “But as it is, God arranged all the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose.”
This Thanksgiving, when you feel like you are overwhelmed and can’t take one more step forward. Pause, take a breath, and reflect on one of these truths. When you do this regularly, you will find your anxiety levels will decrease, your sense of peace will increase, and you will truly have something for which to be thankful.
Written by Jonathan McGuire
