Special Needs Mom, How Are You Doing this Mother’s Day?
Special needs mom, how are you doing this Mother’s Day?
Has anyone ask you that question before? Has anyone acknowledged that your feelings may not match what cards and commercials make them out to be? Have you had the courage to acknowledge, even to yourself, the swirl of emotions that surround you as the second Sunday in May approaches?
Joy.
Loss.
Love.
Grief.
Wonder.
Fear.
Gratitude.
Guilt.
I felt all those emotions as Mother’s Day and our son’s first birthday arrived within weeks of one another in 1983. I was a wreck that May––exhausted, worried, depleted, and unable to think straight. Though our son is now an independent adult, those early emotions tend to resurface each May. As our son got older, I became wiser about how to acknowledge my feelings and celebrate being a mom without letting difficult emotions rule the day. I hope these 5 lessons help you do the same.
Lesson #1: Enjoy your Child
Your child is a wonder, perhaps not the wonder you expected, but wonderful all the same. Take a moment to enjoy who your child is––or who she was if she’s no longer physically present. What about her makes you laugh? How does she surprise you? Why is your world better because of her? What has she taught you about love? Let your answers increase your joy in the wonderful aspects of her life and lighten your heart.
Lesson #2: Make Room for Grief
The joy your child brings is real and so is your grief. This Mother’s Day weekend make room to acknowledge this emotion for what it is––the loss of many dreams. Dreams of what parenting would be like. Dreams of how your child’s development would progress. Dreams of celebrating milestones. Write your thoughts down. Tell God how much your heart hurts. Admit how hard your grief is to bear. God knows a thing or two about loss and heartache. Let him hold you as you grieve.
Lesson #3: Put on your Mama Bear
Not the kind of mama bear who destroys everything in her path to protect her child, but the kind who uses her strength to advocate for her child, her family, and herself. This can involve big things like advocating with doctors, therapists, schools, and churches regarding resources and accessibility needs. It can also mean being the mama bear who lets other people in by introducing herself and her child to other moms and kids at the park. By joining an online or in person support group for parents of kids with disabilities. By taking advantage of a neighbor’s offer to come over with coffee and cookies to get to know her and her child.
Lesson #4: Anticipate Adventures to Come
Thinking about the future was tough when my husband and I were busy keeping our son safe and alive. I wish I could go back to Mother’s Day 1983 and assure the woman I was then that the future held both struggles and adventures. I would want her to know that the adventures yet to come were rooted in the hard stuff our family was experiencing then. The same is true for you and your family. Since anticipation is part and parcel of future adventures, start dreaming about what’s yet to come now!
Lesson #5: Trust the God Who Is Both Parent and Child
You may not understand why God allowed your child’s disability and your parenting journey. God, however, fully understands why Mother’s Day is a mixture of joy and grief for you. He has been where you are. Cling to that truth even as you doubt his kindness and are angry with his ways. Cling to this promise that held me fast when I couldn’t hold onto him. I am praying it for you this Mother’s Day.
He who did not spare his own Son, but delivered him for us all,
how will he not also graciously give us all things?
Romans 8:32 (NAS)
Written by Jolene Philo
Jolene Philo is the author of several books for the caregiving community. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. She’s also the creator and host of the Different Dream website. Sharing Love Abundantly With Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities, which she co-authored with Dr. Gary Chapman, was released in August of 2019 and is available at local bookstores, their bookstore website, and Amazon. See Jane Dance!, the third book in the West River cozy mystery series, which features characters affected by disability, was released in October of 2023. The audio version of Book 1, See Jane Run! See Jane Run!, was released in November of 2023.
Embracing Your Child's Heart
I constantly worried about my four year old son’s development and his multiple diagnosis. I continually analyzed how far behind he was his peers…Written by Jenn Soehnlin
I constantly worried about my four year old son’s development and his multiple diagnosis. I continually analyzed how far behind he was his peers, even children years younger than him, and watched them do effortlessly what we’d been working on for months and sometimes even years in therapy. I was so focused on my son’s development, I wasn’t enjoying just being his mom.
And then my two year old son began receiving a few diagnoses of his own. I found it very easy to focus on his anxiety and strong-willed nature, and how I wished he had neither. I resented his strong-willed personality, his anxious behaviors and meltdowns with all the other stressful things and never-ending appointments I was dealing with. I was so focused on my son’s behaviors, I wasn’t enjoying just being his mom.
And then I read this verse:
“But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7).
I’d read and heard this verse many times, but I’d never put it in the context of my own children. The verse convicted me initially. I definitely was focusing on their outward appearance and their development and their behavior and not on their heart.
But then the verse freed me to love and embrace my children for who they are, how God uniquely crafted them.
Looking at the heart
Once I started looking at my older son’s heart, rather than his development and skills, I found so much to be thankful for, so many strengths and passions and gifts to nurture in him. For the first time in a long time, I truly just enjoyed being his mother and enjoyed spending time with him.
Once I started looking at my younger son’s heart, I started to see what the behavior was indicating. He wanted a little more attention from his frazzled mama. A little more structure in our days, since each day’s schedule was different with various never-ending appointments and errands. And once I started getting more intentional about giving him some undivided attention and more structure in our schedule, his overwhelming behaviors slowly stabilized to a more manageable level as he began to feel more nurtured and supported. We began to have a lot more fun together.
It’s easy to focus on our children’s outward appearance or behavior or development. It is easy to compare our children to other children. But we are called to look at our children’s hearts, as God does.
It takes an intentional mindset shift to make it happen, but by striving to focus on how God uniquely crafted my children, and their hearts, their gifts and passions, it is bringing so much joy and purpose into my parenting.
Written by Jenn Soehnlin
Jenn Soehnlin is a mother to two boys who are precious blessings and who both have special needs. She is the author of Embracing This Special Life: Learning to Flourish as a Mother of a Child with Special Needs.
Jenn enjoys blogging about faith and special needs parenting at www.embracing.life.
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