The Parenting "Long Game"

PARENTING can be a loaded word- it’s personal and relational and it comes in long stages.  There is joy mixed with fatigue and confusion.  It seems like, as a parent, we are often experiencing the polar ends of emotions.  Moments of hope are fleeting and followed by despair.  We are on mountain tops and sinking into the valleys in a matter of minutes.  You can read many parenting books and blogs, listen to podcasts and talk to professionals, as well as trusted friends and still feel like you are in the dark.  Sometimes we end up more overwhelmed than before we started looking for answers.  All this messiness is because parenting is personal and our kids are each unique. Additionally we bring our own mixed up parenting perspectives into the relationship to add to the emotional confusion.  Even within a family unit, parenting multiple children can look very different.  

On top of all of that, we take the outcome very personally.  We place the value of our parenting in the goodness of our children.  Am I an effective parent because my kids made it through dinner in a restaurant without making a scene?  Did my children exhibit kind, respectful behavior at a friend's house because I taught them all the polite things? And on the negative side of things; is my child going to struggle forever because I am failing in parenting?   The idea that our worth as a parent is a result of their good or bad behavior is FALSE.  The two ideas are not connected.  The true source, of both our worth and our goodness, comes from the Father, the same is true for our children. 

I have 3 girls, ages 8, 6 and 3, and parenting each of them the same way would be ineffective and unfair.  Parenting becomes personal because each child is unique. We have done a lot of ground work to establish the rules and values of our family.  Although the house rules and family values are the same, the way they have learned and experienced this varied.  We have gone through a lot of hard work to get here and now the lessons are learned through them trying out what we have taught them and feeling the consequences of their actions and independence. 

Take a look at the long game of being a parent.  The goal is not that they put their toys away, or tidy up their room, or have impeccable table manners.  The goal is that they have self-respect, compassion towards others, take responsibility  and can positively contribute to their family, community and the world through their own unique giftings. 

This long game perspective makes parenting highly relational. 

I felt like my family had a season where we were losing our relationships for the rules.  There was very little joy or fun and it was a battle over who was more persistent. The result was negative and loss of the relational ground we needed to be building with our daughters. Slowly that stage of parenting has shifted as well as our perspectives and their needs. 

What feels like we are in a hard phase that will never end; slowly, we are actually moving to a new place almost overnight and there is light.  I have appreciated the 4 phases of parenting outlined as Commander, Coach, Counselor and Consultant by “Focus on the Family”.  I can recognize that when it felt like a battle ground in our house, we were likely in the middle of the commander stage with 3 young kids. And now we have progressed to some coaching and some commanding as the kids have aged.  Don’t lose the relationship over the rules, don’t linger too long in the a stage, push yourself and your child to stretch when the time is right.  Don’t be afraid to return there when needed. Always remembering, the character and care of our heavenly father is being extended to us in these stages as we navigate life as well.  

After months of being “off” my parenting game due to moving, COVID, virtual school and so many other disruptions I feel like I have had to go back to the “commander” stage more than I would like.  I try to balance this with intentional time to build the relationship individually with each of my kids.  Today, we had a longer day of chores, but focused on the relationship as I took two daughters to get their nails done and later made a secret dessert for the family with another.  I feel more effective as a parent when I have made these relational efforts with my kids.  And I feel more effective as a parent when I make relational efforts with God. 

Invite God into the struggles and joys of parenting by prayer and worship.  He wants to share in this process, as He is a supportive, loving, present father.  

Written by Naomi Brubaker

Naomi is a mom of 3 girls ages 7, 5, and 2.  Her oldest daughter is diagnosed with ADHD and a visual processing disorder.  Her family lives in Richmond Virginia where Naomi leads the special needs ministry at their church.  Her background in special education and ability to understand parents from her experiences with her daughter give her a unique perspective in her role at the church.  Naomi loves to run, sew and take walks with her husband with any free time she has. 

Moms Of Kids With Special Needs Are Pretty Special

Has having a child with special needs changed how you see the world? It certainly has for me. I was struck by this realization when Jonathan and I were out seeing the sights and doing typical tourist things in Cleveland, OH with some new friends, also parents of kids with special needs. We absorbed history, admired artifacts, meandered through quaint shops, enjoyed delicious foods, and had some fun laughs together. It was a perfect spring day with the sun shining, the pressures of life and home a hundred miles away, and delightful companions to enjoy it with and to get to know.

As a couple of the ladies and I stood waiting outside a shop in the sunshine while the husbands were choosing delicacies in a bakery, the conversation turned to one lady and her necklace. She explained how she saw it in a second hand store, and even though it had some dings, she had loved it immediately. It was made of metal links, that from a normal conversational distance, couldn’t be distinguished from each other they were so small and tightly linked. It was cylindrical in shape, forming sort of a flexible metal tube. There was nothing flashy or especially attention-grabbing about it, but it was lovely against the solid colored background of her red sweater.

Another dear lady I know and love always picks the pumpkins that are lopsided, scarred, or warty to decorate her fall table and doorstep. Because they are the least likely to get picked by anyone else. She favors the homeliest looking dog at the rescue. She always champions the underdog. She too is a mom of an adult child with special needs.

 As the first lady explained that her necklace had dings and dents, but she loved it, I thought, “Isn’t that quality of seeing the beauty in things that others would pass over or reject so characteristic of a mom of a child with special needs.”

 At a certain point on this journey, if we keep learning and growing and working through all the hurt and struggle, we learn to see beauty in the mess of life. We learn that beauty is not what the rest of the world would define as beautiful. We learn that the dents and dings often add more beauty rather than detract from it.

I know someone else who sees that way too.

• “But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.” ~ 1 Corinthians 1:27 (NIV)

• “Go out quickly into the streets and alleys of the town and bring in the poor, the crippled, the blind and the lame.” ~ Luke 14:21 (NIV)

• “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” ~ Psalm 34:18 (NIV)

God doesn’t reject you because you struggle, doubt, fail, are weak, broken, or guilty. No, just like the loving Father that He is, He bends His knees and crouches low, opens His arms wide and eagerly waits for you to run into them.

Written by Sarah McGuire

Sarah McGuire  is the Mom of two boys and co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that comes alongside the parents of children impacted by disability on a spiritual and emotional level. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here.

Emmanuel, God With Us

The very name of God, Emmanuel, God with us. It leaves me astounded.

We live on this Earth with pain, brokenness, strife, and evil of every kind all around us and bombarding us in the headlines daily.  

In the midst of everything we went through with our son, who was allergic to all food except for sweet potato and on the severe end of the autism spectrum; I found myself questioning God. “God, why did you allow this?” “God, why don’t you stop evil?” “God, where are you?” “God, have you abandoned me?”  I sank into a rather dark and hopeless place.

I questioned and felt lost. I knew what the Bible said. I knew the theological answers. But, suddenly, the questions and answers were no longer hypothetical. You know the hard places too, right? Maybe you’ve had some of the same questions.

Something I forgot in my dark, hopeless space was this – Emmanuel, God with us. It is part of who God is. It is His name. It is part of His very identity.

From the very beginning after creation, when the Earth and people were still perfect, before sin entered our story, God walked and talked directly with Adam and Eve. Emmanuel, God with us.  

Our choice to sin forced a separation between God and us. Yet, He loved us too much to leave us with the consequences of our actions and forever separated from Him. So, He sent His son as a man. Emmanuel, God with us.

He had His only son pay the price of our sin in our place. Emmanuel, God with us.

He sent His Holy Spirit to inhabit His people to act as comforter and guide until His son returns to gather us to heaven. Emmanuel, God with us.

We now have the hope of eternity spent with Him. A God who loves us beyond comprehension. Enough that He came from the perfection of heaven to this sin-cursed, pain-filled, broken, evil world in order to be with us forever. Emmanuel, God with us.

It astounds me. He is the God of the entire universe and being with us is one of His greatest desires. So much so, that it is His name. This Christmas may be a happy, sad, or challenging season for you, but remember that you are not alone. You have a God who loves you and is with you. Nothing can separate you from His love.

 “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.  No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.” ~ Romans 8:38, 39 (NLT)

Written by Sarah McGuire, Co-Founder of Hope Anew

Not Just A Mom

I’d just walked out the door from the latest appointment with yet another doctor, I’d pleaded again for help, “My child can’t eat food without vomiting and screaming in pain for hours. Help!” I was still feeding him solid food as often as I could, always trying new things, and nursing him every two to three hours all day and all night. This appointment the doctor reprimanded me for my son’s poor weight and told me that I needed to feed him.  “Umm…did you even hear me? That’s why I’m here, because I’ve been trying that for a year now and it’s not working!” They didn’t even seem to listen to me.

This wasn’t the first doctor’s office I’d walked out of discouraged. It started with the first phone call to his pediatrician when he was three weeks old when he had begun screaming and vomiting and had continued with every new doctor we tried throughout the year. 

He was now one year old and needed solid food. But, every time he ate he would projectile vomit and scream in pain for hours, sometimes days. He was still nursing and did well with that as long as I kept dairy, soy, legumes, peanuts, oats and beef strictly out of my diet. I was down from my healthy pre-baby weight of 125lbs to 104lbs.

He’d gone from the 100th percentile on the height chart at birth to now the 50th percentile and his weight was currently hovering at the 5th percentile. Neither of us were thriving.

One of our biggest and hardest jobs as mom of a child with extra needs is being their advocate. Getting them the help they need and so often it feels like banging our head against a brick wall. I felt discounted because I’m just a mom. Yes, I have a M.A. (Master of Arts) and M.S. (Master of Science) but that didn’t seem to matter at all. Somehow, because I wasn’t a M.D. I was treated as though I couldn’t observe correctly what was happening in my own home with own child.

For me, I experienced being discounted as just a mom and not a professional the most in the medical arena. I’ve talked with other moms who’ve experienced it more in the educational sphere. It comes into play in other areas too like therapies, counseling, etc.

That was one of the last times I walked out of a doctor’s office feeling completely helpless. I stopped and pondered after that appointment. And, I observed the fact that I know my child the best of anyone on this earth. I may not have the answers or medical knowledge, but I was going to take my mom power back.

 From that day on I viewed medical professionals as people to consult with as I determined what would be the course of action in helping my son. I could not continue to wait for them to listen. I could seek knowledge, wisdom, and get input from them as well as from other alternative sources. And, I came to depend heavily on some of those other alternatives. But, I was the one responsible for and in charge of my child’s treatment. I am M.O.M. and THAT is the most important and best qualification in helping my son.

Written by Sarah McGuire, Co-Founder of Hope Anew