REST
I had big plans for the vibe my family would have. I love classical music and jam band music and Bob Marley. I love cozy blankets and crackling fires. I love the beautiful smells and sounds and sites of nature. I love all things calm and soothing and soft and comforting and chill. I think it’s always been my way to cope with my own anxiety, and I always pictured the perfect workplace for me would be a spa. I had every intention of carrying that vibe over into how I parented and the lifestyle our family would thrive in.
Oh boy. It has been far from the reality of how things have been going…
Written by BreAnn Tassone
I had big plans for the vibe my family would have. I love classical music and jam band music and Bob Marley. I love cozy blankets and crackling fires. I love the beautiful smells and sounds and sites of nature. I love all things calm and soothing and soft and comforting and chill. I think it’s always been my way to cope with my own anxiety, and I always pictured the perfect workplace for me would be a spa. I had every intention of carrying that vibe over into how I parented and the lifestyle our family would thrive in.
Oh boy. It has been far from the reality of how things have been going. In muddling through the parenting of young children and the task of figuring out the special needs we have in our home, it has been anything but chill. It has been beautiful and full of love and happiness, but it has also been frantic, electrified, a tad loud and flat out buzzing in our home. I laugh as I type this, because we can plan and envision our future all we like. We just aren’t in charge of the twists and turns our life will take. My sharing this is in no way a complaint. I have none, aside from the fact that I’d love a little more sleep. Just a little. It's a fact. Our vibe is the opposite of the therapeutic calm I maintained in my home as a single woman.
I recently read an article about the effects of hyper-focusing on our children. I think the piece was probably written with a typical child-rearing experience in mind, but it stung a little reading it. It made me ask myself a couple of questions. Am I too hyper-focused on the needs in our home, and missing the calm and chill we all would benefit from? Am I able to turn this buzz off by creating that vibe I so desire here, that I had always intended before things got so hard? Can I just rest even within the frantic? Those thoughts all flew through my mind as I read this article.
Then the thought that pops into my mind so often, did just that. It popped in. “But, we’re different”. I have to constantly assess needs and if I’m not focused in, I might miss it. One of the systems we have in place, may fail if not surveilled each moment. And we are different, but hasn’t it been my mission to convince the World that all people are different, and in that way we are the same? We are not so different, that this message should not apply to us as well. We are loving parents. Ensuring that every need is met is important, but the focus of our entire family life does not have to be based on our children. While meeting the special needs we’ve encountered, it feels time to rest in terms of the hyper-focus I’ve felt to this point.
It occurred to me that I had gotten very swept up in figuring it out and in the research and in the moments that I felt helpless in. It clicked that my children will benefit from the calm I’ve always clung to as a coping mechanism for myself. It’s almost as if, in the flurry of the last few years, I’d forgotten how to procure an environment of rest.
After mulling over this, I started claiming some peace and calm at home for myself, but for my children, as well. We can parent our special needs family members well without putting all of our focus on parenting. In removing the unseen microscope from the members of our family, each one can exhale. And if we need anything, after the whirlwind of navigating PANS/PANDAS in our case, we all need rest. We need rest during all of the storms of life.
We are still well within the storm on many days, but I can relax. My kids can, too.
Written by BreAnn Tassone
BreAnn is a wife and mother to two beloved children. Her 8 year old son is twice exceptional and has been diagnosed with PANS/PANDAS, and her 3 year old daughter is his most incredible advocate. They both bring joy to this world in their own individual ways. BreAnn lives with her family in central Virginia. She is a former Special Education teacher and serves as a volunteer at her church within the special needs ministry. She is a homeschooler and coordinates groups and events within her community to support the childhood experience of her neighbors and friends. It is her conviction that all children benefit when all children are included, accepted and can live this life learning from and supporting each other.
Hold On Tight
If I could go back in time to those days before his birth, and have a chat with my pregnant self, I would tell myself this about the parenting journey I was bound for…
Written by BreAnn Tassone
If I could go back in time to those days before his birth, and have a chat with my pregnant self, I would tell myself this about the parenting journey I was bound for:
It will be different than what you are imagining.
You will know, but not quite understand, the moment that you lock eyes that first day.
You will also instantly know that you are his person.
You are strong enough to rise to the occasion.
You were meant for it, and you’ve got this.
God will lead you. Hold on to Him tightly.
Stop yourself the very first time you read what other babies his age are doing and your stomach drops, because he isn’t doing it yet. Just rock in that glider and stare into those beautiful brown eyes.
If you google that missed milestone one time or a million times, and get lost in your mind with worry, that will do nothing to change the outcome. Instead look at how intently he is listening to your voice as you read Goodnight Moon in his sailboat nursery. The worry is useless, and the outcome is not anything to fear.
When he begins to roll his toy cars in such a way that you feel it is less play and more some type of visual stim, a word you won’t learn for a few years yet, think about how happy he looks. Make note of these things, but don’t fret. Instead, choose to enjoy the smile on his sweet little toddler face.
When you notice incredible skills happening far too soon in comparison to others, just marvel in it. Don’t read every article written about it, wondering why or what it means that he can do it. Your nights will be far better off spent sleeping while you still can.
At a certain point there will be no sleep, so grab every wink.
When the sleep gets hard, you will manage.
In case you already forgot number 4, you are strong and capable.
Your child is also strong and unimaginably capable. Perhaps the strongest, most resilient person you’ve ever known. You’ll see.
When he struggles to sit quietly on the mat at library story time, just go to the park instead.
When he runs from you and others say things like, “He’ll come back, just call his name.”, trust your gut and RUN. He’s not coming back.
Start looking for the angels sent to meet him on his path. They are truly everywhere you turn. You will be amazed. He will recognize them right away.
You will see him form the most enduring bonds with these people.
Don’t waste a moment’s thought on those not meant for him. He will recognize them, too.
He will have some difficulties, yes. Who among us is granted a life without them? Focus on the many triumphs instead.
He will be completely misunderstood, as will you. Ignore this. Make no apologies and overlook the judgement of others. Live these days focused on the audience of your one heavenly Father.
He will also be completely embraced and accepted. It will bring glee and immense gratitude to your heart each time.
You. Will. Be. Enough. Don’t question that fact, but know that your faith, family and dear friends will also carry you when you need them.
Begin this prayer immediately. Pray for God to lead you. Tell Him that you’re listening and ready to follow his plans for your little boy.
Walk next to your son, hand in hand, through it all.
You’ll learn soon that he’s come here to teach others things like compassion and empathy and humanity. He’ll teach them some about fonts and logos, as well, but that won’t make sense to you for a couple of years.
Your baby is perfect. One day when he is 8, he will look into your eyes and plain as day, give you every answer you’ve been searching for. His self-awareness and self-acceptance will put your mind at ease in an instant and bring a calm to what at times will feel stormy. It will be one of those beautiful moments in life that you want to capture, that you want to freeze inside of.
Always remember that this is his life to live. He was sent here with a unique purpose just as you were. Remind yourself of that in the times when you feel like you must find all of the answers.
You will grow through this time. Your heart will grow. Your empathy will grow. Your heart’s desire to help other children will grow even bigger than it already was, and now with an entirely different level of understanding.
Lastly, it will all be okay. I promise. It will be better than okay. His life will be amazing and full and happy and fun and he will know the abundant love of his adoring Mother.
Written by BreAnn Tassone
