The Parenting "Long Game"

PARENTING can be a loaded word- it’s personal and relational and it comes in long stages.  There is joy mixed with fatigue and confusion.  It seems like, as a parent, we are often experiencing the polar ends of emotions.  Moments of hope are fleeting and followed by despair.  We are on mountain tops and sinking into the valleys in a matter of minutes.  You can read many parenting books and blogs, listen to podcasts and talk to professionals, as well as trusted friends and still feel like you are in the dark.  Sometimes we end up more overwhelmed than before we started looking for answers.  All this messiness is because parenting is personal and our kids are each unique. Additionally we bring our own mixed up parenting perspectives into the relationship to add to the emotional confusion.  Even within a family unit, parenting multiple children can look very different.  

On top of all of that, we take the outcome very personally.  We place the value of our parenting in the goodness of our children.  Am I an effective parent because my kids made it through dinner in a restaurant without making a scene?  Did my children exhibit kind, respectful behavior at a friend's house because I taught them all the polite things? And on the negative side of things; is my child going to struggle forever because I am failing in parenting?   The idea that our worth as a parent is a result of their good or bad behavior is FALSE.  The two ideas are not connected.  The true source, of both our worth and our goodness, comes from the Father, the same is true for our children. 

I have 3 girls, ages 8, 6 and 3, and parenting each of them the same way would be ineffective and unfair.  Parenting becomes personal because each child is unique. We have done a lot of ground work to establish the rules and values of our family.  Although the house rules and family values are the same, the way they have learned and experienced this varied.  We have gone through a lot of hard work to get here and now the lessons are learned through them trying out what we have taught them and feeling the consequences of their actions and independence. 

Take a look at the long game of being a parent.  The goal is not that they put their toys away, or tidy up their room, or have impeccable table manners.  The goal is that they have self-respect, compassion towards others, take responsibility  and can positively contribute to their family, community and the world through their own unique giftings. 

This long game perspective makes parenting highly relational. 

I felt like my family had a season where we were losing our relationships for the rules.  There was very little joy or fun and it was a battle over who was more persistent. The result was negative and loss of the relational ground we needed to be building with our daughters. Slowly that stage of parenting has shifted as well as our perspectives and their needs. 

What feels like we are in a hard phase that will never end; slowly, we are actually moving to a new place almost overnight and there is light.  I have appreciated the 4 phases of parenting outlined as Commander, Coach, Counselor and Consultant by “Focus on the Family”.  I can recognize that when it felt like a battle ground in our house, we were likely in the middle of the commander stage with 3 young kids. And now we have progressed to some coaching and some commanding as the kids have aged.  Don’t lose the relationship over the rules, don’t linger too long in the a stage, push yourself and your child to stretch when the time is right.  Don’t be afraid to return there when needed. Always remembering, the character and care of our heavenly father is being extended to us in these stages as we navigate life as well.  

After months of being “off” my parenting game due to moving, COVID, virtual school and so many other disruptions I feel like I have had to go back to the “commander” stage more than I would like.  I try to balance this with intentional time to build the relationship individually with each of my kids.  Today, we had a longer day of chores, but focused on the relationship as I took two daughters to get their nails done and later made a secret dessert for the family with another.  I feel more effective as a parent when I have made these relational efforts with my kids.  And I feel more effective as a parent when I make relational efforts with God. 

Invite God into the struggles and joys of parenting by prayer and worship.  He wants to share in this process, as He is a supportive, loving, present father.  

Written by Naomi Brubaker

Naomi is a mom of 3 girls ages 7, 5, and 2.  Her oldest daughter is diagnosed with ADHD and a visual processing disorder.  Her family lives in Richmond Virginia where Naomi leads the special needs ministry at their church.  Her background in special education and ability to understand parents from her experiences with her daughter give her a unique perspective in her role at the church.  Naomi loves to run, sew and take walks with her husband with any free time she has. 

Navigating The Special Needs World: 4 Helpful Tips

1. Stay Organized.

So much of our lives are unknown right now. We feel chaotic and cluttered but it’s important to try to stay organized when it comes to your child with special needs. Try to keep every piece of paper that relates to your child’s disabilities, services, needs, schooling and so on. I wish I had kept more of Ben’s paperwork. We moved when he was 5 and some of his paperwork is now hard to get my hands on.  For example, I had a formal document with Ben's diagnosis that was given to me when he was just a week old.  I never thought I'd need that and didn't keep track of it.  But, I did need it when it came time to apply for his Social Security benefits.  We were able to contact his old pediatrician and request a copy.  But, I wonder what would have happened if that Doctor had retired and closed his practice?  Try to keep the current and historical papers readily accessible in print and digital format, if necessary. Occasionally review files and ensure that your paperwork is up to date.

2. Education is important. 

• Educate yourself. Once you enter the special needs world you have to educate yourself on a host of topics that other parents never encounter. It’s good to read as much as you can about your child’s diagnosis and be familiar with terminology relating to it. Learn about your rights, what you can and can’t get your child, any new therapies that might help your child, and lots more. Be willing to learn. Use other parents as a resource. If you don’t understand keep asking questions until you do. Remember you don’t have to accept anything a doctor, therapist or school official tells you – you are the best advocate for your child.  It's acceptable to push back on the opinion's of others when you feel you have to.

• Educate others. People are going to ask questions or make comments. You can serve your child by taking the time to respond with the appropriate information. Ignorance leads to fear. With understanding comes acceptance. We all dream of living in a world of acceptance. It starts with us!

3. Learn to have the guts to stand up for your child. 

No appointments until next May? The school can’t possibly provide an aide? Insurance won’t cover therapies for children with developmental delays? When you encounter a no, don’t take that for an answer. Just keep asking , with a smile on your face. Remember persistence and determination are generally always rewarded and being kind goes a long way. 

4. Remember to take care of yourself. 

Parenting my typical kids is hard work but parenting my child with special needs is even harder.   It is important to take care of yourself or you will burn out. You can not help your child until you meet your own needs. Remember just like on an airplane , you must ensure you have your oxygen mask on first, then help others. Do something that makes you happy. Get exercise, sleep, and eat well. Remember that without a healthy you , you can’t take care of someone else. 

Being an advocate for your child is hard. I believe it’s one of the hardest jobs I have ever had. But it’s also the most rewarding. Believe me you can make a difference for your child and for other children. We can do this one step at a time.

Written by Leigh Ann Kaman

 Leigh Ann Kaman is a wife and mom to three kids, one of which has Down Syndrome. She advocates in the special needs community and has started a ministry in her church for those touched by special needs. She is also actively involved in Capernaum, a ministry of Young Life for young adults with disabilities. Writing about her life as a special needs parent has always been her passion. 

Should We Do ‘Chores’?

For many years now we have not had ‘chore charts’ or lists in our house. I don’t know what your experience is like but we found that when our oldest two reached an age where ‘chores’ seemed appropriate we did the right thing, we made a list, had a reward system in place and sat back to watch as skills, confidence, independence and a sense of team blossomed! We were brought down to earth with a bump fairly quickly.

For us chore lists became battle grounds, and what seemed to blossom was resentment, feelings of failure and comparisons. ‘I did mine on time, she didn’t – how come she gets the reward too?’ ‘His were easier than mine, and he had less homework – it’s not fair!’ ‘But you always help them, you don’t help me!’…

We persevered for a bit but in the end we quit. Chore lists were certainly not promoting team effort, or a sense of interdependence. I’m not sure any new skills were gained by any of us. And the experience gave none of us more confidence – personally or in our parenting abilities!

But I find myself here again, should we do ‘chores’? Our youngest is now nearly 9 and because of our last attempt she has rarely ever seen a chore list stuck to the fridge – but there are definitely now skills that she has to offer to help family life run well.

She’s great at making a bed for example – if reminded, and in the mood. She can help unload the dishwasher, wipe clean a table, and feed the animals. So should we try again? Am I letting her down if we don’t – aren’t chores an important part of learning responsibility and seeing we’re all part of a team?

It’s a difficult one – I don’t want battles, or resentment – we have more than enough of both of those as it is. So is there another way to develop skills and a sense of team work in family life without that being the result? I was reading around and came across ‘family contributions’ as an alternative approach. Still based on doing age (and ability) appropriate jobs around the house but rather than chore then reward, the focus is more on recognizing (and hopefully growing) what each person in the family contributes.

I like the concept. It is less like a duty or a rule which suggests the need for visible fairness and more like an attitude in mutual gratitude. This may have something going for it. There feels already to be more room to value different abilities – it didn’t seem fair to have very obviously different types of chores being equated on a reward chart side by side. Maybe there is more to be learnt using this concept – not just a sense of responsibility to do a duty but also in each doing what we can do well and being noticed maybe we will learn to value each other’s abilities that bit more. That can only be a good thing.

One thing our family life is very good at is reminding me daily that none of us can do everything, but we are all good at some things. Our abilities and strengths need praising and encouraging in family life, especially in a world which often praises such a narrow selection of abilities and talents.

I am willing to give it a try, there are plenty of printable examples out there that I could adapt to match our particular family and our abilities, and I’ll introduce it very, very, gently. Small steps. And lots of celebration over the offered contributions of everyone, however different, however seemingly small, or how often they are offered!

Written by Cathy Porter

Cathy Porter is  a disciple of Jesus, a mum, ordained and a vicar's wife (in the Church of England), a writer, a creative, a blogger.

Cathy and her husband, Andrew, have 3 children. Her two girls both a diagnosis of ASC. You can follow the ups and downs of family life & faith on her blog: www.clearlynurturing.wordpress.com.

It is Cathy’s heart to encourage families to share in the adventure of faith together, especially families beautifully shaped by ASC. She loves to write stories that make the reader think, ask questions about what we believe, and help the reader to discover what the Bible has to say about God and friendship with him.