To The Mom Who Feels Like A Failure Part 3
Do you ever get caught up in feeling like a failure as a Mom? I do. In my life, there are four thought patterns that most commonly lead to me feeling this way. Written by Sarah McGuire
Do you ever get caught up in feeling like a failure as a Mom? I do. In my life, there are four thought patterns that most commonly lead to me feeling this way. Last week we looked at the first two of these thought patterns and how to reframe them. You can find that article here. This week we are going to look at the final two and how to reframe those.
3. I’m failing my husband and other kids.
This belief often comes because you can’t be the wife and mom you would like for your husband and other kids.
God knew your limitations when He allowed this child with special needs into your family. You are responsible to do your best to love and care for your whole family. However, when you aren’t enough and can’t do enough. Let go of the guilt and entrust that God has allowed these circumstances in your life as well as your husband’s and other kids’ lives and He can use it for good in their lives. It’s not an accident that your other kids are a sibling to a child with special needs. God has a purpose. Do what you can to love your other kids well, but when you can’t do all you wish you could do, pray and leave the rest in God’s hands.
4. I’m a failure as a child of God.
I grew up in a fairly legalistic church and went to a legalistic Bible college (2 actually), where having daily devotions (a time of undistracted reading the Bible and praying) was tantamount to being a good Christian. And to skip that, well, you simply weren’t a good Christian and couldn’t grow in your faith. Don’t get me wrong, the church and schools were wonderful and had solid, Bible-based teaching for which I’m SO grateful! However, there was an underlying message: you check these boxes (ideally, daily) and you’re a good Christian. Don’t, and you’re not. And being the good, perfectionistic, rule-follower that I was, I was okay with that. Until I wasn’t. Until life made it impossible to check those boxes.
I knew that being a Christian was a relationship with God. I knew that His salvation and forgiveness from the punishment for my sins was a free gift, given by grace and not based on anything I did or could do. By dying on the cross, Jesus took my punishment for me. All I had to do was accept that and I was free and clear.
But, life with a child with special needs happened, and with it, caregiving 24 hours/day. No time for Bible study, reading, or devotions. The guilt rolled in thick and heavy. It was crippling. That isn’t God’s way – grace, a free gift. That’s man’s way – earn it, be good enough.
What other relationship do we apply that standard to? Read an email from and talk to (husband, mom, dad, sibling, friend) for 20-30 minutes a day, check, we automatically have a strong relationship. Think of all those other relationships. Who, besides a child, doesn’t understand that it’s not always possible to connect for a deep heart-to-heart every day let alone for a predetermined amount of time. Who do you not have interactions with in passing or brief texts that add to and help build the relationship?
There’s not a right or wrong method to do relationship with God, but I’ve transitioned more to a conversational, in-the-dailies, type of interaction with God as my mainstay. A sentence prayer here and there, a quick plea for help, a word of admiration at His creation of beauty in a sunset or bird song, a verse or chapter to think on through the day or week, a few minutes of intentionally turning over my challenges and cares to Him and giving thanks as I fall asleep. And, occasionally, we get a date were I actually get that sit down, uninterrupted time to read my Bible, reflect, mediate, and have that heart-to-heart talk. Yes, the more often I get those times, the more I get to know Him, love Him, see His heart, and share mine with Him. But not getting those times many days doesn’t mean I’m failing Him.
Look at Isaiah 43:1-4 (NLT), “Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep water, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the LORD your God…because you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you. Do not be afraid, for I am with you.”
I love how it states over and over how, when we’ve trusted Him as our God, He is there for us and loves us unconditionally.
So, what thought patterns do you struggle with that lead you in the negative spiral of thinking you are a failure and feelings of guilt? How can you reframe those with God’s word?
Written by Sarah McGuire
Sarah McGuire is the Mom of two boys and co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that comes alongside the parents of children impacted by disability on a spiritual and emotional level. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here.
When Life Is Too Hard
The phone buzzed with an incoming email. I was sitting in our minivan out in my parents’ garage hiding and crying – a full on ugly cry with gasping sobs. Written by Sarah McGuire
The phone buzzed with an incoming email. I was sitting in our minivan out in my parents’ garage hiding and crying – a full on ugly cry with gasping sobs. We were coming to the end of our visit to the Midwest where both of our families lived. It was only a couple of days until we needed to go “home.” Eleven hundred miles away from help and our support system. I was feeling the crushing weight of the non-stop caregiving for a 4-year-old and special needs two-year-old piling directly onto me again and I didn’t have enough strength or energy to bear it.
During this full-on ugly cry, I was also crying out to God. I wasn’t asking anything or listening to what He might say, or focusing on Him. I was just unloading my soul. My soul thoughts were pretty straightforward, “I can’t do it. I can’t do it. God, it’s so much. It’s too much. It’s beyond my ability to bear. I can’t do it.”
With tears running down my face, I checked my email. A sweet friend back in Texas had been praying for me and felt God wanted her to share a few things with me. She had no idea what was going on. We hadn’t had any contact in weeks. Specifically, she shared three verses or things drawn from three verses. All three were exactly what I needed to hear, but the one that stood out the most was, “I can move mountains.” This was taken from Matthew 17:20 (NLT), “You don’t have enough faith,” Jesus told them. “I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.”
One of the things I love most about the message from God through my friend, it focused on Him and what He can do “I can move mountains,” not on my lack of faith.
God knew I was already so discouraged. I didn’t need to have one more area of failure pointed out. I needed to change my focus, get it off of what I can and cannot do and focus on Him and what He can do.
It’s a decade later, and I still get overwhelmed by life circumstances. I often need to get my eyes off of me and my circumstances and look at God and who He is. Two of my all-time favorite chapters of the Bible are Isaiah 40-41, especially 40:12-28 because this section illustrates how He is amazing, mighty, and without equal. Here are a few of my favorites (40:12, 25-26), “Who has held the oceans in his hand? Who has measured off the heavens with his fingers? Who else knows the weight of the earth or has weighted the mountains and hills on a scale?” “ ‘To whom will you compare me? Who is my equal?’ asks the Holy One. Look up into the heavens. Who created all the stars? He brings them out like an army, one after another, calling each by its name. Because of His great power and incomparable strength, not a single one is missing.”
When life is too hard and you are overwhelmed, remember He can move mountains. He’s in the business of impossible, and your problem is not too big for Him.
Written by Sarah McGuire
Sarah and her husband, Jonathan, co-founded Hope Anew in 2016. Hope Anew is a non-profit that comes alongside parents of kids with special needs on the spiritual and emotional side of that journey guiding them toward Christ-centered hope and healing. They connect with parents through a curriculum-based Hope & Healing Workshop they wrote and facilitate as well as writing, speaking, and podcasting focusing on the challenges and struggles of special needs parenting. They will also be launching an online community in the fall of 2019. Both Jonathan and Sarah also write for Key Ministry, a ministry that helps churches welcome families with special needs kids and also has a family-focused blog and Facebook page.
Embracing Your Child's Heart
I constantly worried about my four year old son’s development and his multiple diagnosis. I continually analyzed how far behind he was his peers…Written by Jenn Soehnlin
I constantly worried about my four year old son’s development and his multiple diagnosis. I continually analyzed how far behind he was his peers, even children years younger than him, and watched them do effortlessly what we’d been working on for months and sometimes even years in therapy. I was so focused on my son’s development, I wasn’t enjoying just being his mom.
And then my two year old son began receiving a few diagnoses of his own. I found it very easy to focus on his anxiety and strong-willed nature, and how I wished he had neither. I resented his strong-willed personality, his anxious behaviors and meltdowns with all the other stressful things and never-ending appointments I was dealing with. I was so focused on my son’s behaviors, I wasn’t enjoying just being his mom.
And then I read this verse:
“But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7).
I’d read and heard this verse many times, but I’d never put it in the context of my own children. The verse convicted me initially. I definitely was focusing on their outward appearance and their development and their behavior and not on their heart.
But then the verse freed me to love and embrace my children for who they are, how God uniquely crafted them.
Looking at the heart
Once I started looking at my older son’s heart, rather than his development and skills, I found so much to be thankful for, so many strengths and passions and gifts to nurture in him. For the first time in a long time, I truly just enjoyed being his mother and enjoyed spending time with him.
Once I started looking at my younger son’s heart, I started to see what the behavior was indicating. He wanted a little more attention from his frazzled mama. A little more structure in our days, since each day’s schedule was different with various never-ending appointments and errands. And once I started getting more intentional about giving him some undivided attention and more structure in our schedule, his overwhelming behaviors slowly stabilized to a more manageable level as he began to feel more nurtured and supported. We began to have a lot more fun together.
It’s easy to focus on our children’s outward appearance or behavior or development. It is easy to compare our children to other children. But we are called to look at our children’s hearts, as God does.
It takes an intentional mindset shift to make it happen, but by striving to focus on how God uniquely crafted my children, and their hearts, their gifts and passions, it is bringing so much joy and purpose into my parenting.
Written by Jenn Soehnlin
Jenn Soehnlin is a mother to two boys who are precious blessings and who both have special needs. She is the author of Embracing This Special Life: Learning to Flourish as a Mother of a Child with Special Needs.
Jenn enjoys blogging about faith and special needs parenting at www.embracing.life.
As an Amazon Associate, Hope Anew earns from qualifying purchases.
CHRONIC GRIEF: WHEN LIFE DOESN'T GO AS "PLANNED"
Sarah McGuire writes about how she unexpectedly found herself in the midst of chronic grief after a church family game night.
Our church recently had a family game night. I was playing Farkle at a table with other ladies. Two who are currently pregnant, one with her first child. Oh, the anticipation! The glittery eyes, the talk of baby things like car seats, strollers, carriers, sippy cups and swings. I loved joining in on the celebration, excitement, and planning for this new precious one’s arrival.
The conversation turned to maternity leave with all the same joy and sparkle of the previous conversation. Six or eight weeks off work and then back to work and baby gets to come along and how wonderful the situation will be so mom can be out and about.
That triggered me. I’d had the same anticipation when I was pregnant. I’d had similar expectations. But it had turned out so very differently.
Suddenly, I was struggling to participate in the conversation or even stay sitting at the table. I couldn’t rejoice with the anticipation of the soon-to-be-mom anymore. I wanted to try to warn her to be careful with her expectations or at least have a Plan B in case baby isn’t an easy baby. Because, well, you just never know.
I couldn’t leave the table without it being abrupt, so I tried hard to keep a pleasant, neutral look on my face so I didn’t throw a wet blanket of gloom on everyone at the table and festivities. I don’t know if I succeeded, but conversation continued swirling and my mind went back in time.
I’d been so excited about my baby. I’d planned and prepared. I’d gotten everything ready. I’d been so careful about not taking any over-the-counter medications or eating food that could pose a danger. I researched natural birth. I had a birth plan. Due to our life circumstances at the time, I had an after-hospital plan, a 2-month plan and a first year plan. And of course, expectations for the rest of my newest little love’s childhood and life.
But, things don’t always go as planned. You know that or you wouldn’t be reading this. Sometimes plans gone awry are a little hiccup, no big deal. Sometimes, life will never ever be the same.
During the first few years I fought it with everything in me. In the last few years I have come to accept it – whatever “it” looks like – progress or regressions. The unknowns of the future. I grieved the child and life I expected but will never have and came to accept our new normal. Not to say that daily life is easy. But I’ve accepted our reality and am content in my life.
Let me be clear – I delight in my child and who he is, but accepting all the challenges that came with him, the struggle that he (and we) live with daily, and the total upending to our entire life expectations is what was difficult.
Then there was game night and an excited new mom-to-be. As I sat down to write this blog post and traveled back to where she is now, I found tears rolling down my cheeks and sobs escaping my throat. I guess I’m still grieving the loss of that dream, of what never was and what never will be. It’s been so long since I’ve gone there and remembered that I ever had a different dream than what I’m living right now.
Chronic grief. It can be all consuming when you’re in the worst of it or can hit at any moment, unexpectedly. It’s okay. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your child with all your heart. It means that you lost something that was dear to you. Cry, sob, acknowledge it, name it - grief. Then dry those tears and go hug the child you do have and love dearly.
Written by Sarah McGuire
