PURPOSE IN THE PAIN

Do you enjoy pain? You may be thinking, what kind of ridiculous question is that? Who enjoys pain? You wouldn’t be alone in thinking that. If you go to the pharmacy or grocery store, the shelves are lined pain killers. Each of us probably has our own favorite. We live in a society that likes to go through life numbing pain.

I know I don’t personally enjoy pain and one of the most difficult things can be learning to walk through the pain. That pain can come in many forms…a physical illness, seeing a loved one struggle, the death of someone that is close to us, failures and mistakes, or…seeing our child struggle with special needs.

I recently heard the following quote by Erwin McManus, “Your pain is not the boundary for your limitation. Your pain is the boundary for your greatness.” When hearing this quote, it would be easy to think, “This guy must have had a pretty easy life.” The reality is that he said this after a life threatening battle with cancer.

The next instinct is to dismiss what Erwin said by saying, “This can’t be true because if it were I wouldn’t be struggling to get through the day. I wouldn’t be living in survival mode. I would be able to make an impact in the community around me.” The problem isn’t the quote. The problem is how we define greatness.

As I look back over our journey with special needs, I look at the person I was at the beginning and the person that I am now and I am a different person. I have grown in my ability to love. I have become more understanding. I have become a better father, a better husband. I am becoming more like Christ. I have a long way to go but I am growing. Becoming more like Christ is the greatest thing we can accomplish with our lives.

Somewhere along the way, many of us began to believe that if we followed Christ, obeyed God’s Word, and went to church that we would have good lives and then we were thrown into a spiritual tailspin when our children had the struggles that they have had.

God doesn’t promise to take away our pain but He does promise to be there with us through the pain.

Are you the parent of a child with additional needs? It can be easy to get caught up in the lows, the struggles, and the pain. I’m going to ask you to do something very difficult. I’m going to ask you to look beyond the pain and reflect on how you have grown as a person. If you are a follower of Christ, how have you become more like Him? How has your pain become the boundary for your greatness?

It's Memorial Day Weekend!

It is Memorial Day Weekend! I love Memorial Day! It signifies the beginning of summer. It is time for grilling, home-made ice-cream, swimming, picnics and going to the park. It is time for baseball, boating and spending time outdoors. The grass is green. The birds are singing. The flowers are blooming. You will probably find me out in the garden planting tomorrow and on Sunday afternoon you will find the average Indiana household glued to the tv watching cars racing around a track in the Indianapolis 500.

I love Memorial Day Weekend. I’m thankful for those who have given their lives in service of our country, protecting our freedoms and liberties and what this means for children with additional needs.

There are many battles that still need to be fought so people of all races and disabilities experience the same freedoms and privileges but because of the sacrifice of those fighting to defend our country, these other areas of growth can still happen.

Amidst the growing pains, I’m encouraged by seeing society generally becoming more inclusive of our children with additional needs. I’m excited to see this starting to impact our churches as we have the beginnings of a movement starting within the church. In this movement, leaders are beginning to recognize that we are a body and that when aspects of the body are left out, our church cannot function as it should.

Why do I share this? Am I intending for this to be a political post or a post about church reform? No, I’m sharing this because I’m thankful and want to encourage you. It is sometimes difficult to see the forest through the trees. It is easy to get caught up in our daily struggles and not have perspective of progress that is being made.

This Memorial Day weekend, we have a lot to be thankful for. Next time you see a veteran or someone in active service, take time to thank them for their service to our country and for the sacrifice they have made.

Are you the parent of a child with additional needs? How does your family make Memorial Day special?

A Little Help, Please!

Have you ever been in a place where you just can't keep going? You want to, you know you need to, others are depending on you, but you are just too tired. You've given and given and now you are completely exhausted. This is the situation we find Moses in in Exodus 17:8-16 (NLT).

The Amalekites have attacked. Joshua and the Israelite army are fighting a battle. Moses, as the leader for the Israelite people, has climbed to the top of a nearby hill with his brother Aaron and a man named Hur. As long as Moses holds "the staff of God" up in the air in his hand, the Israelite army would be winning the battle, when it dropped, the Amalekites would gain the advantage. "Moses' arms soon became so tired he could no longer hold them up. So Aaron and Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then they stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands so his hands held steady until sunset. As a result, Joshua overwhelmed the army of Amalek in battle."

Moses knew the stakes, if he didn't continue to do his role of holding the staff, the Israelite army would lose the battle. Lives were at risk. If he faltered, people would die. You too have a critical role - mom, dad, caregiver, advocate, intermediary, decision-maker, shelter, security, guide, teacher, nurse. If you falter, your child's life or welfare may be at risk. The stakes are high. You know the pressures, I don't have to tell you about them.

Reflection Questions:

1. Do you have an Aaron and Hur in your life who help when you need it?
2. Do you share (gently) with others that you need help or try to do everything on your own?
3. Do you accept help from others when it is offered? Why or why not?
4. What type of help do you most need – practical tasks, prayer, a listening ear? Who can you approach to be your Aaron and Hur? (It may be different people for different types of tasks.)

Lord, the needs of my family are so great and beyond my ability meet. I'm tired, worn and can't do it all by myself. Please send an Aaron and Hur into my life to help hold me up and make it so I can continue on in this very important role you have given me parenting my dear child(ren).

4 Steps To Better Communication

Parenting is hard work… As a parent of a child impacted by special needs, you will have to work even harder.  Advice that you hear experts giving other parents often doesn’t work with your family.  This makes one piece of expert advice even more critical…communicate.

If you are married, the need for you to communicate with each other is key.  It is easy to get discouraged, not know what to do, or not know what to say.  It is imperative that you work together to come up with a game plan so you know that you are both on the same team, not working against each other.

Our son has a hard time communicating with me, especially when he is struggling with a decision I have made. During these times, he will go and talk to his Mom about it. She listens (so he feels heard, understood and calms down) and then coaches him on how to come back and talk with me. Notice, she doesn’t just listen to his side and overrule what I told him. She and I have an understanding about what she is doing during this time and instead of me being offended, I can recognize it for what it is and see the value of what is happening – he is getting training in how to handle conflict and how to communicate in a more effective way.  However, if Sarah and I hadn’t talked about this, it could easily appear that he was just going behind my back in these conversations.  She had to intentionally take time to communicate with me how he was feeling and what she was doing with these conversations.

Communication is difficult.  There is never enough time and we are all so unique in how we process things that it is easy to interpret a word or glance incorrectly.  Here are four tips to improve how you and your spouse communicate:

1. Set an appointment – If there is something the two of you really need to discuss, don’t just dive in right before bed but let your spouse know you need to talk and find out when would be good for them.
2. Be present – Make eye contact, put away the cell phone, laptop and other distractions.  Don’t interrupt or jump in with solutions.
3. Reflect – Summarize back to your spouse what you think you are hearing them communicate.
4. Determine – Was this informational?  Did your spouse just need to vent or do you need to work together for a solution?

How are you and your spouse doing with communicating? We want to hear from you.  What helps you and your spouse stay on the same page?