Making New Traditions
Holidays can be a very difficult time for families with kids with special needs. Many of the traditions they used to enjoy, they can’t anymore. Family gatherings they used to cherish, they can’t participate in anymore. It can be an especially hard and lonely time as the difficulties that come with special needs are magnified and what has been lost looms larger than ever. Written by Sarah McGuire
Pumpkin pie, turkey, football, stuffing, twinkling lights, snowflakes swirling down, pies, family gatherings, gifts around a tree, and cookie decorating. The holidays. They inspire a feeling of cozy warmth, celebration, and cherished memories. Until they don’t. Until thinking of those memories breaks your heart in pieces because life has changed. You now have a child with special needs or disability that has changed everything.
When our son was young and was allergic to most foods, highly sensory sensitive, nonverbal, autistic and more, the holidays rolled around and that meant no pie, no cookies, no stuffing, no Grandma’s special bread rolls, no gravy, no family gatherings. Too much noise, too much chaos and stimulation, too much change, too great of a chance for food reactions. Too much of some things, yet nothing of the desired things.
Our first Christmas with him was miserable. We were 1100 miles away from family and because of our son’s needs and our financial constraints, we didn’t even try to go home for the holidays. We decided we needed to make our own Christmas traditions since we couldn’t be with family.
In our family we do birthday desserts since my husband detests cake. With Christmas being Jesus’ birthday, our first new tradition was to have a birthday dessert with candles and sing “Happy Birthday” to Jesus after our Christmas meal.
I made a cherry pie (my husband’s favorite) with all special ingredients that we could eat on our son’s special diet, which I had to strictly abide by since he was nursing. It took me hours to find a recipe that met the requirements (special diets were rare at that time), had to special order some ingredients, and spent an hour or more making it. We were so excited about this pie. It was the pinnacle to our somewhat sorry Christmas meal. With great anticipation we served it and took our first bite – yuck! It was awful. We trashed the rest of the pie.
Holidays can be a very difficult time for families with kids with special needs. Many of the traditions they used to enjoy, they can’t anymore. Family gatherings they used to cherish, they can’t participate in anymore. It can be an especially hard and lonely time as the difficulties that come with special needs are magnified and what has been lost looms larger than ever.
Our first attempt was a sorry start to new holiday traditions. However, we persisted and 11 years later, we have some special Thanksgiving and Christmas traditions. If you find yourself in a place that we were at eleven years ago, think about starting some of your own traditions that fit your family’s needs. Here are a couple of ours to get your thinking started:
We made our own specialty-diet approved Thanksgiving menu.
We have a Thankfulness Pumpkin where each morning of November, we each say one thing we are thankful for and write it on the pumpkin with a Sharpie.
We have a Christmas moose (we couldn’t afford the famous elf so we used what we had) that hides at night every night in December and on rare occasions finds himself precarious spots. We don’t do elaborate scenes, it’s more of a “hide and seek”. The boys love searching for him every morning. On Christmas morning, he is always kneeling with Mary, Joseph and the camels in the nativity.
Every Christmas Eve we have a pajama party and watch Elf. Often we open one gift beforehand, which happens to be new pajamas.
When we aren’t with extended family, we make Jesus a birthday dessert and sing him “Happy Birthday”.
If you are in a tough season of not being able to participate in holiday celebrations like you used to, I hope you are able to create some new traditions that fit your family’s needs perfectly!
Written by Sarah McGuire
Rewrapping Christmas: Establishing New Traditions
What are some of your favorite memories from the holidays growing up? Did your family have traditions that you looked forward to every year? Maybe it was a special dessert, a fun activity, or a certain event.
What are some of your favorite memories from the holidays growing up? Did your family have traditions that you looked forward to every year? Maybe it was a special dessert, a fun activity, or a certain event.
Growing up, the smell of cookies baking would take the edge off those frigid days and signaled the coming of Christmas. Mom would go into baking mode the weeks before Christmas and would bake so many different varieties of Christmas cookies that were to be brought out on Christmas day. Each of us had our own favorites that we would sneak from the freezer. Mom must have made extra to accommodate for this, because we always seemed to have more than enough for Christmas. In addition to this, we would have a special coffee cake that she made for Christmas morning.
It may sound silly, but when we found out that our youngest son was allergic to all food except sweet potato, I really went through a grieving process during the holidays. It was such a huge part of what I looked forward to each year. Celebrating Christmas was synonymous with having scrumptious smells wafting around you like a warm blanket, inviting you into a sense of peace, comfort and safety. The most challenging decision being which cookie to eat next and leaving you with anticipation over the meals to come. I missed this. Christmas no longer felt like Christmas.
Each of us have those things that make the holidays feel special. Many of us have had to give up those things due to the needs of a child and that is okay, we would do it again in a heartbeat but giving up those traditions can leave us in a little bit of a funk. It is also okay to miss those things. Don’t feel guilty about it.
So what can you do if you find yourself in a little bit of a holiday funk this year?
- Acknowledge it to yourself. Don’t pretend that everything is okay or put yourself down for struggling with the new normal.
- If married, share about it with your spouse. Odds are they are struggling to some degree as well. If not married, find a friend you can talk to over a peppermint latte or other favorite holiday beverage.
- Dare to dream. What new traditions can you build? Initially they may feel forced, but eventually you and your family will look forward to them with eager anticipation.
Our family now enjoys unwrapping a new pair of Christmas Pajamas and watching “Elf” on Christmas Eve. As I sit here with my cup of coffee, healing has taken place and I can fondly reflect on the memories from Christmas’ gone by and look forward with anticipation to the Christmas’ yet ahead.
We would love to hear from you. What does your family do to make Christmas special?