Please...Don't encourage me!

One of the things I typically love at conferences is talking with people and getting to hear their stories. I recently had the opportunity to speak at a conference. After the final workshop that Sarah and I lead, an individual came up to talk with me. It was a memorable conversation. He introduced himself and went on to tell me that mourning the loss of the dreams we had for our child when we have a child impacted by special needs is a lie from Satan. After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I mentally went through the workshop we had just lead on “5 Beliefs That Make Hard Times Harder & How To Practically Come Alongside Families Impacted By Special Needs” and had to wonder where we miscommunicated so badly that this individual felt this was the best way to come alongside me. After a brief conversation, he walked away saying that “he was just trying to encourage me.”

What I am about to say may sound harsh but it needs to be said. Please do not come alongside someone who is struggling, admonish them and then try to wrap a pretty bow on it by saying that you are “just trying to encourage them.” I don’t need that kind of encouragement and neither does any other parent I know who has a child who is impacted by special needs.

Parents of children impacted by special needs will go through seasons like other parents. Ecclesiastes 3:1,4 tells us there is a season for every activity under the sun. There is a time to cry, a time to laugh, a time to grieve and a time to dance. As parents of children with additional needs, we may bounce between these seasons more frequently or even be in one season longer than another.  And you know what, it’s okay. It’s okay to grieve. It’s okay acknowledge the loss. In fact, it is actually a good thing.  We are not saying that we love the child any less. We are not denying the value of the child or that God has a plan and is using this. There will come a time when we will heal (not to say we won’t still grieve at times) and we will be able to dream a new dream for our child. But if today isn’t that day, that’s okay.

Do you really want to encourage families whose children have additional needs? Leave any judgment or condemnation at the door! Don’t feel the pressure to be a teacher or educator on this particular season of life we are in. Most parents of children with additional needs already have enough self-condemnation and guilt that they are dealing with. Instead, be their friend and love them where they are at. Love them in the midst of their emotions without trying to clean it up. Be a part of that healing process.

Are you the parent of a child with additional needs? We want to hear from you! What has been the most loving way you have been blessed by a friend, family member or complete stranger when you were really struggling?

5 Things Parents Of Children With Special Needs Want You To Know

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to sit down with the parent of a child with special needs and ask them what it is like? More than likely you would be greeted with a glazed stare, both from exhaustion and from determining if you are safe person to share with. 

They say that the best way to get to know a person is to walk a mile in their shoes.  This really hits home with special needs.  Many parents of children with additional needs have been hurt by well-meaning people who have never been in their shoes and it is difficult for them to really share where they are at with you.  However, if they open up, and I mean really open up, their answers will likely have the following five themes.

• It is really, really (can I add another really) lonely. When plans change, it is not because we are trying to avoid you.  We do value you and want to be with you but our kids are our priority.  We’re sorry we can’t make it to coffee, the guys night out, to the women’s retreat, to the ladies night, or to the family reunion.  Thank you for asking and please keep inviting us. That shows us that you still care.
• It is so hard and exhausting and will be hard for you to have a friendship with us.  We are a package deal with our kids.  It means that we are always in survival mode and never able to relax because something is bound to come up.  It is having to be hyper-vigilant, a strong advocate and on the ready.
• We are just like you. We are ordinary parents. We are not “Super Mom” or “Super Dad.” Please don’t try to encourage us by telling us that “God knew that you could handle a special needs child.” Some days we aren’t handling it very well at all.
• We often feel judged as parents.  We have to be creative and think out of the box.  We know you mean well but please don’t offer advice on how to parent.  As parents of children with additional needs, we have to do things differently.  Please respect our choices. Thank you for being understanding, having extra patience, and compassion.
• It is hard but it is amazing and I am a better person because of my child.  I love them and can’t imagine life without them.

Next time you are in a grocery store and see that mom sitting on the floor, while her child is melting down, let her know she is doing a good job.  When you see that friend with the autistic son, let them know you miss seeing them. Love them and when you are able, be there for them. 

We want to hear from you!  If you are the parent of a child with additional needs, what do you wish your friends and family knew?