Change Part 2

The phone rang, it was the front desk person at our son’s therapist.  She was calling to let us know that his particular therapist was going to be gone on medical leave and that we would need to put him with a different therapist for those weeks.  My gut thought was, are you kidding me?  Do you know the weeping and gnashing of teeth that we experienced until he was matched with the right therapist?  How long is she going to be gone and can we just skip until she comes back?  Ah changes, just when you think something is going good, something has to change and throw a wrench in the system.

How many unexpected changes did you experience this week as you were caring for your child?  Did you have a change in therapist? A change in appointment times? A change in placement plans? Maybe it is an event that you have been preparing your child for for an extended period of time, only to have it fall through at the last moment.

It is nice when we can prepare our children for an upcoming change but many changes are unplanned. For many of our children, when they experience an unexpected change it is like they just had the carpet ripped out from under them. Their world is turned upside down. It leaves them spinning and us at a loss for how to guide them through it.   

Here are some practical steps you can take when you find yourself helping your child work through an unexpected change:

• When possible, allow extra time to adjust to the change. If you are able to, remove yourself to a calm, quiet environment to eliminate extra stressors. For example, if you are at a therapist office, do they have a private room you can go to as you help your child process the change?
• Depending on the type of change, distraction can help. Is there a favorite song, story or toy. Point out something about the new situation that they would typically like. It’s easy to get caught in a cycle of negative thinking and this can help with that.
• Try to redirect your child to a calming activity or encourage the use of coping skills such as deep breathing. For example, do they have a weighted blanket or special fidget that helps them handle stress?
• Reassure your child that you are there for them.
• Attempt to be a calm presence and talk in a soothing voice. Our children are not the only ones who become stressed by unexpected changes. We do as well and it is easy to let the stress impact how we relate to our children, feeding their stress further.
• Validate your child’s feelings. For example, “I know you really liked this therapist and are disappointed by…” Then redirect to other things on the schedule that they may look forward to.
• PRAY. Pray that God will give you wisdom, courage, peace and guide the situation.

Unexpected change can strike fear in our hearts and cause those Momma and Papa Bear instincts to come out. Take a breath. You’ve got this.

We would like to hear from you.  What helps your children cope with unexpected change? 

Just in case you missed Part 1, you can find it here.

CHANGE PART 1

Change… What thoughts and feelings go through your mind when you hear this word?  For some, there is a great excitement and anticipation.  For many of you there is a deep weight that comes over you and a gnawing in the pit of your stomach as anxiety comes over you when you think about all the implications of that one word. 

Many of you who now struggle with change, may have at one point been huge change advocates but the unique needs of our children may have rightly left you a bit paralyzed by the word change.

This came to the fore front for us when on vacation this winter. My wife usually cuts the boys’ and my hair but during the rush of the holidays, she didn’t have a chance to cut our hair before leaving.  She also separated her shoulder so we knew she wouldn’t be able to cut our hair when we got home.  This meant finding a barber in a new area.  I looked up reviews of local barbers and found someone who would be close and had good reviews. 

The morning came to go get haircuts.  I knew that my youngest son was very particular about how his hair was cut and would never let Sarah do anything different.  Somehow, it didn’t occur to me how difficult it would be for him to have someone else cut his hair.  When we shared the plan with him that morning, he was on the verge of tears.  We were able to eventually talk him through it and I was able to get the exact measurements that we cut his hair at home.  With those reassurances, we were off to get his hair cut.  Upon arriving, his older brother went first so he would know what to expect and have assurance that the person did a good job. He watched and when it was his turn, he got right in the chair without a problem.  Now, he barely said a peep when the woman talked with him, but he did it!

Change can be hard for our little ones and strike fear in the core of our hearts but some change can also be good and even necessary.  There was no way Sarah could cut our hair and she needs to take a break for her arm to heal.  This was a necessary solution to help take one of the many things off her plate that she is trying to balance.  While it was a challenge for our son, it was also good for him.  It was not so far outside his comfort zone that it would scar him if done correctly.  Instead, it stretched him and was an area of growth.

How can we prepare our children for change when we know it is coming? Here are several steps you can take to help take some of the anxiety out of it:

• Before talking with your child about the upcoming change, come up with a plan.  Try to anticipate what fears and concerns your child may have. Is there a physical item that might help them with the change such as a weighted blanket or noise canceling headphones?
• Explain the situation and why it is necessary
• Listen to their fears and concerns without minimizing them
• Outline the plan and address their fears and concerns
• Allow time to process and adjust to the change
• Move forward and encourage frequently along the way. 

Despite our fears, change can be a good thing and even necessary.  What are some things that you do to help equip your child for an upcoming change?

Many changes are unexpected and we don’t have the luxury to always prepare our children for them the way we want to.  Next time we will look at coping with those unexpected changes. You can find that article here.