When The Rug Gets Yanked Out From Under Your Life

The last year and a half has been a doozy for me, and I’d guess it has been for many of us for different reasons. I mean, 2020-2021, seriously? Over this year and a half my personal inner-life journey has taken me on quite a ride and while circumstances have offered up different challenges that haven’t resolved yet, my personal journey has been life-giving.

How does that happen? How can we not have circumstances align with what we want or need, yet have our heart, mind, & soul thrive anyway?

I’ll give a caveat that my most basic physical needs were met. I had a roof over my head, heat, food, water, sleep, and my immediate family with me whom I love dearly and who love me. The rest of life, including a house, friends, church, church family, homeschool group, and a significant chunk of our income, well, those were stripped away and my health was already greatly diminished, so that’s where I was a year and a half ago.

How do we move forward when the rug gets yanked out from under us and our life, as it has been, as we liked, as we dreamed of and worked to build, suddenly crumbles? For some of us that day is when our child gets a diagnosis that we know will change our lives forever. For some, a job loss. For some, a support system we depend on suddenly isn’t dependable or even available. What then?

Finding a private place to melt into a pile on the floor and cry it out with a bag of Lindt chocolates (my personal favorite – the chocolate, not the melting into a sobbing mess) close at hand may come first. Screaming to God about it might happen too. Grief – however that looks for you – is important. Acknowledging the pain (in a healthy way – not hurling anger on everyone around us) is critical! If we bury it, it will fester and cause other problems.

After scraping myself off the floor and expressing my feelings and thoughts to God repeatedly, this is what I did. I made a conscious choice that when I stepped out of my beloved house and into my new (not what I would have chosen) residence, I would NOT complain. Complaints would not cross my lips. I could still acknowledge & grieve the sadness of the losses, but I would not complain about the present.

It took several months, but the resolution to not complain morphed into intentionally looking for things to be thankful for – every day. And when challenges arose, to look for what I could be thankful for in the situation. I didn’t deny that it wasn’t ideal or that it wasn’t hard or unwanted, but I’d look for the good in it.

Instead of griping about the hot water running out 6 minutes into my shower, I could be thankful for the hot water I did have and get my hair cut shorter so I could take quicker showers. Guess what, I got lots of compliments on my shorter hair. It suits me better!

Instead of complaining about things breaking, falling off, or getting damaged on our new home (an RV), I could focus on being thankful for a resourceful, capable, problem-solving husband and it became part of the adventure.

One of the latest examples, I was commenting to a friend how I felt bad for my kids and how they weren’t getting to experience a typical (even typical for homeschool) high school experience with friends close by, sports, group activities, etc. during these critical years. She graciously called my attention to all they are getting to experience. A few hours later as I reflected on the conversation, I realized an unfavorable trait (that isn’t the kind that can be overcome with teaching or training) that had characterized one of my sons a good part of his life had completely disappeared over the previous year. Oh my, I’d been focused on what my husband and I weren’t able to provide for them and what I thought was lacking and instead there was so, so much he had gained that was worth invaluably more!

I have a long way to go in overcoming my negative thinking and making thankfulness my default, but one day at a time, I get closer to that goal!

How about you, have you ever taken a period of time to intentionally focus on annihilating complaining and to be purposefully thankful? How did it go? What happened?

Written by Sarah McGuire

SARAH MCGUIRE IS THE MOM OF TWO BOYS AND CO-FOUNDER OF HOPE ANEW, A NONPROFIT THAT GUIDES PARENTS TO CHRIST-CENTERED HOPE AND HEALING. YOU CAN FOLLOW HOPE ANEW ON FACEBOOK HERE.

Four Ways To Cope When You Are In Survival Mode

How do we think about the future when we are living in so much chaos? Do you ever feel like you are living from one moment to the next, just taking one more breath and trying to put one foot in front of the other? Sarah and I have been in that place of just being in survival mode. Many parents that we talk to also find themselves there, in that place of just trying to make it through the next second and where making it through dinner qualifies as a long range goal.

 There was an eight day study done on mothers of adolescents and adults with autism. At the end of the study, it was found that their stress levels were comparable to combat soldiers! Some of you just breathed a sigh of relief when you read that. I know this study personally resonated with me. It was a relief to know that I am not weak and I so identified with the picture of a combat vet in a war zone.

Common symptoms of combat stress that soldiers experience are:

• Hyper-startle (An exaggerated response when something surprises you)

• Hyper-vigilance (Being always on guard or super-alert)

• Trouble with focus and/or memory

• Flashbacks (re-experiencing stressful events)

• Hallucinations (seeing, hearing or feeling things that aren’t real)

• Nightmares and trouble sleeping

• Depression and apathy

• Guilt and shame

• Withdrawing or avoiding others

• Irritability and angry outbursts

• Headaches and exhaustion

• Extreme anxiety (excessive fear and worry)

Do any of these sound familiar? If so, how many? Maybe some of these things have become so ingrained in you that you have just taken it for granted that that is who you are.

Hyper-vigilance became a way of life for us, beyond just being a helicopter parent. Back to that image of being a combat vet, Sarah often described our marriage after our journey in disability began as the two of us being in a “fox hole” together as we were constantly on alert and fighting for our family. 

In an article in Navy Medicine Live, it was shared that if not addressed, these symptoms can morph into something else, like PTSD or substance abuse.  

So what do we do when we struggle with one or more of the above symptoms?

First, implement a self-care plan.

Yes, I know  you already know this but have you done it? Stress negatively effects every one of our body systems and leads to ongoing health issues. In this video, I share 5 things anyone can do as they implement their own self-care plan. You can also send me your email address and I would be happy to send you a free e-booklet I wrote with the same information.

Second, as much as possible, implement a routine.

On average, adults are making 35,000 decisions a day. By eliminating some of those decisions through having a routine, you will be better equipped to handle the big decisions and the “surprises” that frequently arise. What are some decisions you can streamline?

President Obama was a fan of this. He once shared, “You’ll see I wear only gray or blue suits. I’m trying to pare down decisions. I don’t want to make decisions about what I’m eating or wearing. Because I have too many other decisions to make.”

Third, find a community or select group of friends who “get it”.

Commander Carrie Kennedy a neuropsychologist and aerospace experimental psychologist shared that the real key to effective management of combat stress and long term adjustment was that veterans have to be in regular contact with other veterans.  Veterans need to be able to talk over difficult  experiences with members of the same unit.

 If you are unable  to find that group who “gets it”,  Hope Anew wants to help. We are in the process of building an online community that will launch later this year. This community will be a “laugh together, cry together, pray together” community. It will provide you with those connections who you can be real with and who will get it. If this something that interest you, again message me and we will be sure to let you know when it is launched.

Finally, as believers we have an eternal hope.

We have a Savior who loves us and we know there will eventually be a day where there is no more crying, no more pain and no more sorrow. As we long for that day, it helps to look for things daily that will instill hope and bring glimpses of joy.

You won’t be able to dream and plan for the future until you can manage the stressors of today. If you feel like you are just in survival mode, what is one thing from above that you can do today that will help with your stress levels?

 If the above symptoms persist, become worse or you begin to have self-destructive behavior or suicidal thoughts, please reach out to a professional immediately for help.

Jonathan McGuire  is  the father of two sons and the co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that comes alongside the parents of children impacted by disabilities on a spiritual and emotional level.

You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here. 

WHAT IS YOUR BREAKING POINT?

It was the middle of the night and it was pitch black out. The heat was oppressive and all I could hear was the whir of the ceiling fan. I woke up and could barely suck in a shallow breath of air. My chest was constricted and I was having sharp chest pains. A sense of panic came over me. After time, my breathing returned to normal, the chest pain went away and the panicked feeling dissipated. This was my first panic attack of what would be many more to come.

This panic attack didn’t come out of the blue but it was a complete surprise. Without realizing it, I had been experiencing chronic stress. Chronic stress can be defined as the response to emotional pressure suffered over a period of time during which an individual perceives he or she has no control. I was a prime candidate for this.

Our youngest son with additional needs was now seven years old and these needs had placed a tremendous stress on our family. As a husband and dad, I internalized my struggles and what I was feeling because I didn’t want to place more weight on Sarah. On top of our son’s additional needs, during the previous year I had 5 surgeries and was on bedrest off and on for 10 months. The final straw was working with refugees in a refugee camp in South Sudan. My body had reached a point where something had to give. It could not just keep pushing forward. On my way home, lying under a mosquito net on a cot in Juba, South Sudan I experienced my first panic attack.

I have since gone on to get the help I needed. I have prioritized making sure I am getting the right nutrition and am taking breaks periodically. These things have allowed my body to recover to the point that I no longer experience panic attacks.

Often, we, as parents of children with additional needs, just keep pushing on. We just take one more step and focus on getting through that next minute. This becomes our new normal and before we know it, years have gone by…step by step and without a break.

Our bodies can only live under constant stress for so long. After time, something will give. Some of you may find yourself in this state of brokenness right now. Maybe you are struggling with depression or doubts about God. Maybe you find yourself dealing with one of the many health issues that can result from chronic stress. I want to encourage you.  This does not mean that you are a weak person. It does not mean that you are somehow “less than”. It simply means you are human.

God sees your brokenness. He knows your pain. He gets it like no one else can. When it feels like you are alone, He is with you. He will use your brokenness.

“Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you.”

~ 1 Peter 5:7 (NLT)