You Are Not Alone – Join a Group that “Gets It!”
A friend looked at me and said, “Your whole faith foundation is shaking, as if you have no firm ground to stand on, isn’t it?” Written by Sarah McGuire
A friend looked at me and said, “Your whole faith foundation is shaking, as if you have no firm ground to stand on, isn’t it?” She’s the only one who knew and I hadn’t told her. I was so fearful others would find out I was questioning God and the very building blocks of my faith in Him. I was so ashamed I had these questions and doubts. My relationship with God had been my entire life. It had shaped my education, life goals, and daily rhythms. And now, I didn’t know what was true anymore.
Oh, I knew the book answers. I had graduated top of my class with a B.A. in Bible/Theology and another with a M.A. in Biblical Counseling. I went to a good Bible-teaching church, but it wasn’t meeting me where I was at. It didn’t get to the practical daily life questions that had become my struggle in the two years since my son with additional needs had been born and my world had flipped upside down. I felt so alone. Alone with my questions. Big, deep, scary God-questions. Doubts. Fears. Struggles. Life circumstances with no apparent answers. No way out.
My friend promised to pray for me, no judgement, just loving concern. That’s the best response she could have given. My questions were so deep that quick, simple answers were not going to solve them. It’s been over ten years since that conversation. I spent many of those years wrestling with God. I’ve found the answers to my faith questions and my relationship with God is stronger and truer than it was before.
As my husband, Jonathan, and I have talked with other parents of kids with disabilities or special needs, we’ve learned that I was definitely not alone with my questions and struggles. Questions and struggles not only in relation to God, but also in relation to how to navigate this life as a parent with a child who has additional needs. But, who do we go to with our questions? Who do we go to for support on days when life is overwhelming and often others just don’t “get it”?
Hope Anew is launching an online community for parents of kids with disabilities or special needs. A laugh together, cry together, pray together community.
Some features of the community include:
Forums/Chat room
Subgroups for more specific areas of interest (residential care, adoption, etc)
Quarterly master classes
Soul Care events with sharing and prayer
Answers to questions that can’t be googled
Monthly themes related to parenting kids with additional needs
And more…
Come join us in the Hope Anew Online Community, where together we are building the most encouraging, real, hope-filled way for parents of children (of all ages) impacted by disabilities or special needs to engage with a group that “gets it!”
For more information go to www.HopeAnew.com. You can also find us on Facebook and can glean from others who have walked this path on the Hope Anew Disability Podcast.
Written by Sarah McGuire
Please...Don't encourage me!
One of the things I typically love at conferences is talking with people and getting to hear their stories. I recently had the opportunity to speak at a conference. After the final workshop that Sarah and I lead, an individual came up to talk with me. It was a memorable conversation…
One of the things I typically love at conferences is talking with people and getting to hear their stories. I recently had the opportunity to speak at a conference. After the final workshop that Sarah and I lead, an individual came up to talk with me. It was a memorable conversation. He introduced himself and went on to tell me that mourning the loss of the dreams we had for our child when we have a child impacted by special needs is a lie from Satan. After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I mentally went through the workshop we had just lead on “5 Beliefs That Make Hard Times Harder & How To Practically Come Alongside Families Impacted By Special Needs” and had to wonder where we miscommunicated so badly that this individual felt this was the best way to come alongside me. After a brief conversation, he walked away saying that “he was just trying to encourage me.”
What I am about to say may sound harsh but it needs to be said. Please do not come alongside someone who is struggling, admonish them and then try to wrap a pretty bow on it by saying that you are “just trying to encourage them.” I don’t need that kind of encouragement and neither does any other parent I know who has a child who is impacted by special needs.
Parents of children impacted by special needs will go through seasons like other parents. Ecclesiastes 3:1,4 tells us there is a season for every activity under the sun. There is a time to cry, a time to laugh, a time to grieve and a time to dance. As parents of children with additional needs, we may bounce between these seasons more frequently or even be in one season longer than another. And you know what, it’s okay. It’s okay to grieve. It’s okay acknowledge the loss. In fact, it is actually a good thing. We are not saying that we love the child any less. We are not denying the value of the child or that God has a plan and is using this. There will come a time when we will heal (not to say we won’t still grieve at times) and we will be able to dream a new dream for our child. But if today isn’t that day, that’s okay.
Do you really want to encourage families whose children have additional needs? Leave any judgment or condemnation at the door! Don’t feel the pressure to be a teacher or educator on this particular season of life we are in. Most parents of children with additional needs already have enough self-condemnation and guilt that they are dealing with. Instead, be their friend and love them where they are at. Love them in the midst of their emotions without trying to clean it up. Be a part of that healing process.
Are you the parent of a child with additional needs? We want to hear from you! What has been the most loving way you have been blessed by a friend, family member or complete stranger when you were really struggling?
Entering Other's Pain
Often, we treat people that are struggling like they are wearing “No Trespassing” signs and we are afraid to enter into their pain with them...
Do you like to go on hikes? I have a trail that I like to hike at the nearby state park. The trail is nice and rolling. It takes me through a beautiful woods, by a couple of lakes that typically have geese and ducks on them and finally it ends at a gate that has a sign on it that reads, “No Trespassing.” This is my indication that I have reached the edge of the park and not to go any further. Typically, I lean against the gate and catch my breath before turning around and going back.
Often, we treat people that are struggling like they are wearing “No Trespassing” signs and we are afraid to enter into their pain with them. Have you ever read the story of Elijah? I love his story and what we can learn from it about how to relate to those who are struggling!
Elijah was a prophet of the God of Israel. In 1 Kings 18, he has this incredible experience where he challenges King Ahab and the 450 prophets of Baal to an epic contest against the Lord of Israel. Through his obedience, the Lord of Israel completely showed His supremacy over Baal. As a result, Elijah had the 450 prophets of Baal killed.
King Ahab went back and told Jezebel, his wife, what happened and that her prophets of Baal were killed. Jezebel became angry and she sent a message to Elijah threatening to kill him.
Elijah fled to the wilderness for his life and eventually laid under a broom tree, asking God to just let him die. Instead of granting his request, God sent an angel who provided food and water and encouraged Elijah to get up to eat and drink between resting periods so he would be well rested for the journey ahead.
What if instead of doing this, God came to him and tried to give him a pep talk saying something like, “What’s the matter? Where’s your faith? Did you see what I just did back there? I lit that place up! Not to mention that huge storm I brought when there wasn’t a cloud in sight! Now let’s get back at it, you’ve got a big trip ahead of you.”
Do you see a difference in the responses? In an attempt to encourage those who are hurting, I have often heard people gloss over the pain, offer some cliché or just focus on the positive. We are afraid to enter into each other’s pain with them and just be there. It’s not fun. It’s not glamorous. It takes time and it can be scary but there is no better way to love someone.
How do you enter into other people’s pain? It’s not about the words but about being there with them and for them, serving them in ways that are meaningful to them. Do you know a family impacted by special needs who might benefit from just having someone be there with them?
1 Corinthians 14:1a – “Let love be your highest goal!”
"CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?"
“Can you hear me now?” In one simple phrase, Verizon highlighted and brought humor to a common frustration that befell many cell phone users.
“Can you hear me now?” In one simple phrase, Verizon highlighted and brought humor to a common frustration that befell many cell phone users. We’ve all been there…talking away and eventually finding the line to be dead when we pause. This leaves us wondering how long we have been talking to ourselves and at what point to resume the conversation when we finally reconnect. Or perhaps you have been in the position of trying to obtain some urgent piece of information like directions and the line is so garbled you can’t understand where to go next. In one simple phrase, Verizon brought light to our desire to communicate and to be heard.
We all have a desire to be heard and this is an extremely meaningful way to come alongside families who have been impacted by special needs.
In the three years that things were at their worst with our family, we only had one couple brave enough to invite us to sit down with them and share our journey and boy did we share our story. We sat there over coffee, they listened, cried with us and didn’t offer a solution or other quick fix. Now to be fair, we are fairly quiet and many people didn’t realize how bad it was. However, that night was so refreshing and in so many ways it was healing just to be heard. Did anything change in our situation? No. But, we felt cared for, our pain was validated and we felt loved.
Listening is like any skill. It takes practice. Here are some tips to improve your listening skills to help those you are coming alongside feel heard.
· Set aside time. If you know someone is struggling, don’t give them five minutes in passing to share their heart. It will likely take a while for them to really be real with you.
· Make eye contact. Set down the cell phone. Don’t take calls, check Facebook, reply to texts and don’t frequently check the time.
· Be present… Focus on what they are saying and not how you are going to respond. Periodically repeat back to them in your words what you heard them say.
· Acknowledge how they felt. “Wow, that must have been…” Don’t minimize the situation, over spiritualize, or offer some cliché response. For example, “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle” is NOT helpful (or Biblical).
· Love them. When you leave your time together, they should feel loved and not judged. They may be believing things that are not true. As you develop your relationship with them, there may be a time to address that with them but that time is usually not when they are first sharing their story with you.
· Finally, don’t avoid them afterwards or leave them wondering if they overshared.
So, “Can you hear me now?”
What of the above tips can you implement to strengthen your listening skills? Is there a family impacted by special needs that would be encouraged by having you intentionally sit down with them to hear their story?
“I called on the Lord in my distress, and I cried to my God for help. From His temple He heard my voice, and my cry to Him reached His ears.” ~ Psalms 18:6 (HCSB)