Unique Challenges Of Marriage: My Spouse Is Overreacting

“My wife thinks our son has autism.” It was morning and I was sitting in the office of a colleague of mine. He had just asked how I was doing and that was my reply. There was a disassociation there, as I didn’t want to believe it yet.

It took me longer to accept the diagnosis than what it did for Sarah. For Sarah, the diagnosis was a relief because it gave direction and helped her better understand what was going on. She had been caring for our son all day and all night, day in and day out. She was searching for answers when no one else could give us any.

I was away at work all day and not home until late evening. I didn’t see the day in and day out as much. For me, the diagnosis communicated a weight, a finality, the beginning of the end of a dream. I didn’t want the diagnosis to be true so I denied it.

You may find yourself identifying with where I was. You may be smack dab in the middle of denial and think that your spouse is way out in left field with whatever diagnosis your child is facing. You may think your spouse is overreacting to whatever is going on. If you are in this camp, it can be easy to become irritable whenever the diagnosis or other health struggles are mentioned. It can be easy to be upset and even grow bitter at your spouse.

If this is where you find yourself and some of the above thoughts resonate with you, remember it is time to love well. Notice, I didn’t say to just humor your spouse but love them. Here are some ways that you can do that:

• Engage with them. Don’t just burry yourself in your work to avoid the problem. They are likely lonely and need you.
•  Listen to them. Set down the phone. Turn off the TV. Make eye contact and really listen.
• When they bring research and information to you, study it.
• Whenever you have a chance, go with them to the doctor appointments. Don’t be afraid to ask the doctor questions.
• Trust them. I don’t know you but more than likely, if you are in this spot, your spouse is the primary caregiver and is with the child a greater portion of the day. Trust them and trust their instincts.

After a time, I accepted what was going on and became that much more engaged. While I went on to go through the other aspects of chronic grief, I came to a point of being able to dream a different dream for our son and Sarah and I became a stronger team.

How you demonstrate love to your spouse during this time is so crucial. This time can have the effect of tearing apart a marriage or strengthening it. How you show love to each other will make all the difference.

How can you best show love to your spouse right now?

P.S. If you feel like your spouse is in denial, don’t just print this article off and leave it waiting for them somewhere! That probably won’t be received the most favorably.

Kissing Under the Mistletoe

A family friend posted on Facebook, asking people who were married to share one word that described their marriage.  There were many cute and fun responses such as joy, blessed, friends, grace-filled, awesome, wonderful, committed, content, hilarious, complete, amazing, fulfilling, sexy, golden, rewarding, rich, funny, unconditional, and inspiring. What does my dear sweet wife enter? Fortifying… It just sort of sit’s there a little heavier than the other responses, doesn’t it? Leaving you wondering if that’s a good thing but afraid to ask, “What do you mean?” The sad reality is, that this was a toned-down response.  Her original reply was “foxhole.”

In caring for our youngest son, we often felt on guard.  Always evaluating situations and determining what we would need to do to make sure something didn’t accidentally happen to make his health go backwards.  Having to go the extra mile with doctors and their assistants to help them understand what did or did not work.  Making sure any workers in the church nurseries knew about his situation and didn’t give him something he wasn’t supposed to have and the list goes on and on. 

When life is full of high levels of stress and you are always having to work towards a common goal, it can have two effects.  If one spouse begins to begrudge the effort it takes, they may start to feel like “this isn’t what I signed up for.” This can cause a rift and lead to separation.  The other possible effect is that it can cause both spouses to really buckle down and while feeling like they are in a foxhole, it can be fortifying.  A marriage strengthened by trials and hardships.

While the difficult times may be fortifying, how I respond to the stress isn’t always.  It’s easy to let the hard take control and just focus on what to do next, neglecting what is easy to take for granted and putting my marriage on auto-pilot.  Marriages can’t be done in auto-pilot. We have to be intentional.

This doesn’t necessarily mean roses every day and a date night every week.  Although this may be nice, I realize that time and money are often in short supply.  As we look at a new year, I do encourage you to sit down with your spouse and find out what really speaks love to them. This year, as we decorated for Christmas, we hung a small branch of mistletoe and I must admit that I am tempted to leave it up year around. I also wish we had hung it up in a spot where we both pass through more often.

As you sit down with your spouse, here are two questions you can ask:

• What are some things that really make you feel loved?  Is it time together?  Being touched in a certain way?  Having help with a job or task you typically do or is it words of affirmation?  Don’t be vague and just say, “time together” or “physical touch,” assuming your spouse will figure it out.  Be specific, for example, “I like it when you sneak up behind me and kiss me on the neck.”
• “Is there anything I do that makes you feel unloved.” After you ask this, listen and take it to heart. Don’t get defensive. This question is more difficult and requires a level of bravery from both of you.

Sometimes it can be as simple as a hug that is a little longer than normal, a short love note hidden in their pants pocket for later, a conversation about their day, or a nice long kiss under the mistletoe.  Something to just let them know you love them, you understand and will be there with them at the end of the day.

We want to hear from you.  What is one thing you can do this week to show love to your spouse?