When The Rug Gets Yanked Out From Under Your Life
The last year and a half has been a doozy for me, and I’d guess it has been for many of us for different reasons. I mean, 2020-2021, seriously? Over this year and a half my personal inner-life journey has taken me on quite a ride and while circumstances have offered up different challenges that haven’t resolved yet, my personal journey has been life-giving…
Written by Sarah McGuire
The last year and a half has been a doozy for me, and I’d guess it has been for many of us for different reasons. I mean, 2020-2021, seriously? Over this year and a half my personal inner-life journey has taken me on quite a ride and while circumstances have offered up different challenges that haven’t resolved yet, my personal journey has been life-giving.
How does that happen? How can we not have circumstances align with what we want or need, yet have our heart, mind, & soul thrive anyway?
I’ll give a caveat that my most basic physical needs were met. I had a roof over my head, heat, food, water, sleep, and my immediate family with me whom I love dearly and who love me. The rest of life, including a house, friends, church, church family, homeschool group, and a significant chunk of our income, well, those were stripped away and my health was already greatly diminished, so that’s where I was a year and a half ago.
How do we move forward when the rug gets yanked out from under us and our life, as it has been, as we liked, as we dreamed of and worked to build, suddenly crumbles? For some of us that day is when our child gets a diagnosis that we know will change our lives forever. For some, a job loss. For some, a support system we depend on suddenly isn’t dependable or even available. What then?
Finding a private place to melt into a pile on the floor and cry it out with a bag of Lindt chocolates (my personal favorite – the chocolate, not the melting into a sobbing mess) close at hand may come first. Screaming to God about it might happen too. Grief – however that looks for you – is important. Acknowledging the pain (in a healthy way – not hurling anger on everyone around us) is critical! If we bury it, it will fester and cause other problems.
After scraping myself off the floor and expressing my feelings and thoughts to God repeatedly, this is what I did. I made a conscious choice that when I stepped out of my beloved house and into my new (not what I would have chosen) residence, I would NOT complain. Complaints would not cross my lips. I could still acknowledge & grieve the sadness of the losses, but I would not complain about the present.
It took several months, but the resolution to not complain morphed into intentionally looking for things to be thankful for – every day. And when challenges arose, to look for what I could be thankful for in the situation. I didn’t deny that it wasn’t ideal or that it wasn’t hard or unwanted, but I’d look for the good in it.
Instead of griping about the hot water running out 6 minutes into my shower, I could be thankful for the hot water I did have and get my hair cut shorter so I could take quicker showers. Guess what, I got lots of compliments on my shorter hair. It suits me better!
Instead of complaining about things breaking, falling off, or getting damaged on our new home (an RV), I could focus on being thankful for a resourceful, capable, problem-solving husband and it became part of the adventure.
One of the latest examples, I was commenting to a friend how I felt bad for my kids and how they weren’t getting to experience a typical (even typical for homeschool) high school experience with friends close by, sports, group activities, etc. during these critical years. She graciously called my attention to all they are getting to experience. A few hours later as I reflected on the conversation, I realized an unfavorable trait (that isn’t the kind that can be overcome with teaching or training) that had characterized one of my sons a good part of his life had completely disappeared over the previous year. Oh my, I’d been focused on what my husband and I weren’t able to provide for them and what I thought was lacking and instead there was so, so much he had gained that was worth invaluably more!
I have a long way to go in overcoming my negative thinking and making thankfulness my default, but one day at a time, I get closer to that goal!
How about you, have you ever taken a period of time to intentionally focus on annihilating complaining and to be purposefully thankful? How did it go? What happened?
Written by Sarah McGuire
SARAH MCGUIRE IS THE MOM OF TWO BOYS AND CO-FOUNDER OF HOPE ANEW, A NONPROFIT THAT GUIDES PARENTS TO CHRIST-CENTERED HOPE AND HEALING. YOU CAN FOLLOW HOPE ANEW ON FACEBOOK HERE.
Just Get Over It
Do you know what words have never helped anyone get over their hurt, their pain and their grief? This phrase right here…“Just get over it.” Yet this is a phrase I have repeatedly heard others say to parents who are grieving the loss of a dream of a typical childhood and the challenges their child will face growing up.
Written by Jonathan McGuire
Do you know what words have never helped anyone get over their hurt, their pain and their grief? This phrase right here…“Just get over it.” Yet this is a phrase I have repeatedly heard others say to parents who are grieving the loss of a dream of a typical childhood and the challenges their child will face growing up.
Wouldn’t it be nice if in the midst of your grief, you could flip a switch and say, “I’m over it.” I will never grieve this again. Life is good and I have completely healed.
However, that is not the case for many parents who have a child impacted by special needs. Sure, there will be periods where the grief subsides and the parent is able to dream a new dream and appreciate the incredible person that their child is but then there will be other moments when grief rears its head again and floors us. The grief is chronic.
Just get over it? How do I just get over it?
My son cut his leg this week while on a bike ride. What if I told him to just get over it and go on with his day? There would have been stones, dirt and grease from the bike chain left in the cut. What would have happened next? If left the way it was, the cut would have attracted flies and eventually become infected.
The reality is if I choose to just get over it, I am choosing to ignore it and just bury the pain. If I bury the pain, it will become “infected” and it will come back. It will come back as anger, resentment, health issues, sin issues and the list goes on.
When my son cut his leg, instead of telling him to “just get over it”, I listened to him. I let him share from his perspective what happened and then he washed off his leg.
Some of you may find yourself at this point of grieving. If you do, be assured that it does not mean that you love your child any less.
Healing takes time and we all heal at different rates. That is why a husband and wife can experience the same event but be in different places emotionally.
If you find yourself in this place of grief, I would encourage you to take a look at the Psalms and laments. It may even be helpful for you to write your own lament. If you find yourself stuck in this place of grieving, it may be time to meet with a counselor so you can get that listening ear.
But whatever you do….don’t “just get over it” because you won’t.
Written by Jonathan McGuire
