You're Grounded!!!

Let’s talk parenting!

 Parenting is one of the greatest joys and greatest challenges all at the same time. Overwhelming joy and deepest grief. This month, we’re looking at something we do daily as a part of parenting…DISCIPLINE. 

We want so much for our kids. We love them with everything we are and have, and yet so often our relationships with them are characterized by frustration, tension, and conflict. When we correct them, what we really want to see is heart change, but most often after a discipline issue parent’s feel they’ve missed the mark or that their kid just hard-hearted and resistant.

But all is NOT lost – there is hope!

In the Hope Anew Online Community during the month of April the theme has been parenting. There are 4 short videos posted there on the subject:

Video 1 – I share some philosophies and approaches Jonathan and I have come to embrace in our parenting after some trial and error and weeding through MANY parenting books & approaches and even counseling courses. I share some reviews of and links to those in the next blog post.

 I also share some things we do NOT do or STOPPED doing (because they were counterproductive, but the most well-known Chrisitan parenting advice says that’s exactly how to parent). And, I share some things we DO do and have found to be beneficial that’s rarely taught.  

Videos 2 & 3 – We take the last part of video 1 (what TO do) to the next level as we look at the book Discipline That Connects with Your Child’s Heart by Jim & Lynne Jackson 

Video 4 – Is about the power of vision-casting and blessing in our kids’ lives.

If you are finding that parenting is an area that leaves you hopeless, exasperated, or isn’t going how you hoped it would (beyond your child having extra challenges), hop on over to the Online Community and take a look at the videos and see what your next step could be in disciplining and discipling your kiddos!

Written by Sarah McGuire

Sarah McGuire  is the Mom of two boys and co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that guides parents to Christ-centered hope and healing. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here. You can also check out Hope Anew’s Online Community here!

Due to COVID-19, Hope Anew is waiving all membership fees for the community!

2 Mental Health Red Flags for Caregiving Parents

2 mental health red flags for caregiving parents? Are you kidding me? I’m waving at least a dozen red flags every day!

That would have been my reaction to the title of this post when I was in the thick of caring for a medically-fragile kid. In fact, that would have been my reaction as recently as a month ago. But I had a lightbulb moment between then and now.

The lightbulb moment came while I facilitated a class for teachers about post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in kids. We were discussing childhood symptoms, also known as behaviors, displayed by traumatized children. The class members wanted to know what kinds of behaviors are indicators that the trauma has evolved into PTSD.

“It’s not so much the kind of behavior,” I explained, “because most kids display these kinds behaviors at one time or another. “Red flag indicators for me are the intensity and duration of the behavior. An example would be what happens after telling 2-year-olds they can’t have a cookie. More than likely, a 2-year-old will throw a tantrum. However, 2-year-olds living with unresolved trauma and PTSD will pitch magnificent fits that are long and loud. That’s intensity.

Similar tantrums continue to occur whenever these 2-year-olds are denied anything long after the child should have moved past the terrible 2s. That’s duration.”

The words had barely come out of my mouth before the lightbulb turned on: Intensity and duration of behaviors can be 2 mental health red flags for caregiving parents, too.

I mean, let’s face it. Parents raising kids with special needs and disabilities face plenty of attacks on their mental health, including traumatic stress. Such as the stress of overwhelming, unrelenting caregiving demands. The trauma of sending a child off to surgery or hearing the heart monitor flatline. The stress of trying to manage unmanageable behaviors. The trauma of a receiving a difficult diagnosis.

Stressed and traumatized parents who want to be proactive about their mental health can do so by assessing the intensity and duration of their own reactions in certain situations.

For example, it’s normal for parents of kids who were hospitalized to avoid visiting hospitalized family and friends for a while. But it’s not normal if that parent has a racing heartbeat or sweaty palms while driving by a hospital. That’s intensity. It’s also not normal for that reaction to continue years after a child’s final hospital stay. That’s duration.

It’s normal for parents to get tired of taking children with autism to weekly behavioral therapy. But it’s not normal to be utterly exhausted after therapy to the extent that the parent wants to go to bed and pull the covers over their heads once the appointment is over. That’s intensity. It’s also not normal for that level of exhaustion to persist for several months or longer. That’s duration.

Here’s one more. If you have received negative news regarding your child via the phone–it could a difficult diagnosis, behavior or academic concerns from school, or even that an in-home care provider can’t make it again–you may experience a sense of dread when your phone rings. That’s normal. But dealing with the dread by refusing to answer the phone (intensity) for a week or a month or more (duration) is not.

By applying these 2 mental health red flags for caregiving parents in your own life, you can be proactive about your personal health. If you decide to seek a therapist, this post about how to find a trauma therapist can help you locate a mental health care professional where you live.

Written by Jolene Philo

Jolene Philo is the mother of a son born with life-threatening special needs and the daughter of a father severely affected by multiple sclerosis. In her 25 years as an educator, she integrated children with special needs into her classroom. She’s written 5 books about caregiving, special needs parenting, and childhood PTSD. She recently co-authored a book with Dr. Gary Chapman about how parents of kids with special needs can use the 5 love languages in their families.

Jolene speaks at conferences around the country and internationally, facilitates classes about childhood trauma for educators, and trains special needs ministry leaders and volunteers. She blogs at www.DifferentDream.com. She and her husband live in Iowa.

Spreading His Wings

On Sunday we lost Ben.

He had filled his backpack full of things he needed for camp and headed out the door on foot to try to make it to Rockbridge Camp. Out of all the things he has lost because of quarantine, this has been the hardest loss. 

Ben loves Rockbridge because it’s an incredible camp for students with disabilities. We found this camp through YoungLife’s Capernaum ministry. It’s an awesome ministry that has really blessed Ben and our family.

When Ben left that day, I am not sure what he was actually thinking. Was he really trying to get to camp by foot? Or, was he just dying to go somewhere alone? I know what I was thinking, and all of the scenarios in my head weren’t good. In the first 10 minutes I had already pictured him kidnapped and I was scared!

After we realized he was gone, we all headed out on a hunt for him. His brother and Dad were on bikes and I was in the car. Despite our effort to fan out and cover a wide area, he somehow managed to dodge all of us!

Thankfully we finally found him 2 neighborhoods away! Looking back, now what seemed like an eternity really wasn’t that long. He was probably only lost for 20-30 minutes. But, it felt much longer.

While he had a bag packed “for camp”, I think there was more to his escape. Ben is 18 and just like any teen he wants to be independent. That’s something we all want, right? Many kids look forward to being able to walk to a friend’s house alone. Or, the day they get a license and can drive off and be independent. Or, the real independence of living alone. 

And then there it is again —the heart pain. I have felt these pains before. The pain of wanting him to have something that I can’t always give him. Once again, having to let go of what I want and see what I have been given. This has been my heartache my entire life, and I think it will forever be there. You see, I don’t know if I can ever give him the independence he wants. Of course he can eventually take a walk on his own— but I don’t know that I can ever give him the independence he wants.

Special needs parenting is hard. I promise you, I don’t ever regret the gift God gave me. Any day of the week I can list a million blessings I have seen just for having him in my life. But, my heart still aches sometimes. Sometimes I look at him and see an 18 year old who has come so far and other times I see how far there is still to go. We can hide behind our smiles and hang on to each and every milestone we conquer but it doesn’t make any of it easy. Our lives will look different forever.

But on this Sunday I just prayed to have him home. The thought of losing him brought panic, because I don’t know what I would do without him. Even though he can often make my life a challenge, he also blesses me richly. He has taught me to trust God with so many of the unknowns with Ben’s life. And, by trusting Him there, I’ve learned how to trust Him better in other areas. 

Ben has helped me see that God gives me the strength to be the mother he needs. I know I’m not perfect. In fact, there are some days where I feel like Ben and want to pack my bags and leave as well. Those days typically come when I’m tired, exhausted or sad. But even when these days are hard I have hope. My Heavenly Father promises me that “those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” (Isaiah 40:31)

So as Ben starts to spread his wings and find some independence in his own life, I don’t have to fear. I can be hopeful because of God. And, I can spread my wings as well. 

Written by Leigh Ann Kaman

Leigh Ann Kaman is a wife and mom to three kids, one of which has Down Syndrome. She advocates in the special needs community and has started a ministry in her church for those touched by special needs. She is also actively involved in Capernaum, a ministry of Young Life for young adults with disabilities. Writing about her life as a special needs parent has always been her passion. 

The Polar Vortex and Gratitude: An Unlikely Combination

The polar vortex and gratitude. I never thought of pairing the two until the great polar vortex of January 2019. Even though I have lived through plenty of what we used to call "cold snaps".

•           I was 9 in 1965, the year that held the record low temperature for January 30 until 2019.

•           I was 25 and 5 months pregnant in 1982 when the mercury dipped to -45° when we were living in northwest South Dakota.

•           I was 33 in 1989 when school was called off for 2 days before Christmas break, which meant my third grade students had their anti-climactic Christmas party when school resumed in January.

The difference between my response to previous cold snaps and the 2019 polar vortex go far beyond a name change. My response to the 1965 cold snap was delight when Mom said she would drive me to school. In 1982, my husband and I piled into our friends' car and traveled 90 miles to go out to eat, though the thermometer was -20° at its warmest.

In 1989 our son born with medical special needs was 7, and his baby sister was a few months old. By then I was haunted by what our son's early years had revealed. His multiple surgeries, frequent invasive procedures, and nearly constant infections and illnesses showed that bad things happen even when you follow the rules and choose wisely. Therefore, my wisest course of action was to control the situation tightly, to protect my children, and keep everyone inside until the cold snap ended, or we ran out of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.

By 2019 our son was on his own and doing well. We had begun an intergenerational living arrangement with our daughter, her husband, and their children, ages 3 and 1. We had gone through hard times and good ones. We had seen God faithfully provide doctors and therapists for our son. We had seen Him provide for every hospital and medical bill. We had seen Him provide when we changed careers. We had seen Him provide the houses we needed and could afford. We had seen how much better His plans were than ours. 

So when the temperature plunged in January 2019, when condensation streamed down the windows, dripped from the ceilings, and pooled on the floors, when the dryer quit working and the service people weren't making house calls, when the editor of my latest book for special needs families sent revisions with a short deadline, I didn't respond with my pre-motherhood abandon or with my post-motherhood iron grip of control.

Instead, I responded to the polar vortex with gratitude born of more than six decades of experiencing God's faithfulness. This time, I sat back to watch the latest installment of God at work in our lives. He didn't disappoint.

•           My husband and I saw God expose the condensation issues during preparations for an upcoming house remodel. Now we could talk to the contractor about what to do.

•           When the repairman said the dryer was toast, we were able to purchase one, used for 3 days and returned because the previous owner didn't like the color, for 1/3 the original price, and with the original warranty.

•           I asked friends to pray for me, specifically for wisdom and peace, while working on the requested revisions. The cold weather kept me home and focused, and the revisions went faster and more smoothly than expected.

 For me, the polar vortex and gratitude are closely linked, as is my gratitude for the privilege of raising a child with special needs. You may find that statement ludicrous if you are new to the role of parenting a child with special needs.

Thirty-six years into the job, I have come to trust God's plan for my life and the lives of our children. I have learned that the best gifts are not always easy, but they are always good. This is a promise I can trust and so can you.

This is a hope upon which we can stand together. It's a truth to remember when the next cold snap rolls in and God shows you how the unlikely combination of polar vortex and gratitude, as well as special needs parenting and gratitude, really do belong in the same sentence.

Written by Jolene Philo

Jolene Philo is the author of the Different Dream series for parents of kids with special needs. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. The book she is co-authoring with Dr. Gary Chapman, Sharing Love Abundantly in Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities, will be released in August of 2019. Her blog for parents raising children with special needs and disabilities can be found at www.DifferentDream.com.