2 Mental Health Red Flags for Caregiving Parents
2 mental health red flags for caregiving parents? Are you kidding me? I’m waving at least a dozen red flags every day!
That would have been my reaction to the title of this post when I was in the thick of caring for a medically-fragile kid. In fact, that would have been my reaction as recently as a month ago. But I had a lightbulb moment between then and now.
Written by Jolene Philo
2 mental health red flags for caregiving parents? Are you kidding me? I’m waving at least a dozen red flags every day!
That would have been my reaction to the title of this post when I was in the thick of caring for a medically-fragile kid. In fact, that would have been my reaction as recently as a month ago. But I had a lightbulb moment between then and now.
The lightbulb moment came while I facilitated a class for teachers about post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in kids. We were discussing childhood symptoms, also known as behaviors, displayed by traumatized children. The class members wanted to know what kinds of behaviors are indicators that the trauma has evolved into PTSD.
“It’s not so much the kind of behavior,” I explained, “because most kids display these kinds behaviors at one time or another. “Red flag indicators for me are the intensity and duration of the behavior. An example would be what happens after telling 2-year-olds they can’t have a cookie. More than likely, a 2-year-old will throw a tantrum. However, 2-year-olds living with unresolved trauma and PTSD will pitch magnificent fits that are long and loud. That’s intensity.
Similar tantrums continue to occur whenever these 2-year-olds are denied anything long after the child should have moved past the terrible 2s. That’s duration.”
The words had barely come out of my mouth before the lightbulb turned on: Intensity and duration of behaviors can be 2 mental health red flags for caregiving parents, too.
I mean, let’s face it. Parents raising kids with special needs and disabilities face plenty of attacks on their mental health, including traumatic stress. Such as the stress of overwhelming, unrelenting caregiving demands. The trauma of sending a child off to surgery or hearing the heart monitor flatline. The stress of trying to manage unmanageable behaviors. The trauma of a receiving a difficult diagnosis.
Stressed and traumatized parents who want to be proactive about their mental health can do so by assessing the intensity and duration of their own reactions in certain situations.
For example, it’s normal for parents of kids who were hospitalized to avoid visiting hospitalized family and friends for a while. But it’s not normal if that parent has a racing heartbeat or sweaty palms while driving by a hospital. That’s intensity. It’s also not normal for that reaction to continue years after a child’s final hospital stay. That’s duration.
It’s normal for parents to get tired of taking children with autism to weekly behavioral therapy. But it’s not normal to be utterly exhausted after therapy to the extent that the parent wants to go to bed and pull the covers over their heads once the appointment is over. That’s intensity. It’s also not normal for that level of exhaustion to persist for several months or longer. That’s duration.
Here’s one more. If you have received negative news regarding your child via the phone–it could a difficult diagnosis, behavior or academic concerns from school, or even that an in-home care provider can’t make it again–you may experience a sense of dread when your phone rings. That’s normal. But dealing with the dread by refusing to answer the phone (intensity) for a week or a month or more (duration) is not.
By applying these 2 mental health red flags for caregiving parents in your own life, you can be proactive about your personal health. If you decide to seek a therapist, this post about how to find a trauma therapist can help you locate a mental health care professional where you live.
Written by Jolene Philo
Jolene Philo is the mother of a son born with life-threatening special needs and the daughter of a father severely affected by multiple sclerosis. In her 25 years as an educator, she integrated children with special needs into her classroom. She’s written 5 books about caregiving, special needs parenting, and childhood PTSD. She recently co-authored a book with Dr. Gary Chapman about how parents of kids with special needs can use the 5 love languages in their families.
Jolene speaks at conferences around the country and internationally, facilitates classes about childhood trauma for educators, and trains special needs ministry leaders and volunteers. She blogs at www.DifferentDream.com. She and her husband live in Iowa.
Using the 5 Love Languages to Help Traumatized Kids
Using the 5 love languages to help traumatized kids makes perfect sense to me. Not just because I’ve written extensively about childhood trauma and how to adapt the 5 love languages in special needs families. But because I’m the parent of a son affected by trauma and a former educator who witnessed the positive impact loving adults can make in a child’s life.
Written by Jolene Philo
Using the 5 love languages to help traumatized kids makes perfect sense to me. Not just because I’ve written extensively about childhood trauma and how to adapt the 5 love languages in special needs families. But because I’m the parent of a son affected by trauma and a former educator who witnessed the positive impact loving adults can make in a child’s life.
The love languages are a simple tool that parents, teachers, day care providers, pastors, medical professionals, therapists, and other adults in children’s lives can use to amplify that impact. This is true whether a child’s trauma is caused by abuse, removal to foster care, divorce, natural disasters, accidents, the death of a loved one, painful and invasive medical or dental procedures, homelessness, or other overwhelming events.
Here’s why I believe using the 5 love languages to help traumatized kids is worthwhile.
The love languages help children feel safe. Traumatic events decrease a child’s feeling of security and safety. After the traumatic event, they need assurance that they are loved and safe. When those assurances are delivered in the child’s primary love language, the child will be more receptive to them. The love languages enhance communication. Children affected by trauma require frequent reminders that they are safe over a long period of time. The more trauma they’ve experienced, the more reminders they need. By speaking a child’s love language to deliver that reassurance in a variety of creative ways, they are more likely to hear and accept it.
The love languages improve observational skills. A child’s love language can often be determined by observing what motivates them, what calms them, and what they choose to do in their free time. Another technique is to use one love language with a child for a week for 5 weeks. Throughout the process, the child’s responses to each language is observed, recorded in a notebook, and evaluated to determine the child’s language. In the case of children dealing with trauma, those observations may also reveal what triggers and frightens them. This information can be used to eliminate trauma triggers and increase a child’s sense of safety.
The love languages make us more intentional. Once we know someone’s love language, we can intentionally insert them into our relationships. We can make them part of our kids’ daily lives and routine. Kids living with trauma thrive on routine because its predictability increases their sense of safety.
The love languages can provide insight for mental health practitioners. The love languages are a tool that can help traumatized children feel safe, but many need professional treatment to heal the mental wounds caused by trauma. A good trauma therapist will appreciate tips about how to gain a child’s trust and develop a good relationship, so go ahead and share your child’s love language.
I encourage you and your kids to visit the 5 love languages website where you can take free quizzes to determine your love languages. The book Sharing Love Abundantly in Special Needs Families offers more guidance about how parents raising children with disabilities can determine their love languages and how to adapt them to meet a child’s unique individual needs.
Written by Jolene Philo
If you would like to learn more about using the 5 Love Languages to help children who have been traumatized, you won’t want to miss this week’s podcast that we did with Jolene. You can listen to it here.
