Living Out Happily Ever After

Pride and Prejudice, Anne of Green Gables, Anne of Avonlea, Maid in Manhattan, Sweet Home Alabama, Leap Year, While You Were Sleeping, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days these some of the movies I love and could enjoy over and over again. I’m sure you noticed a theme – romance. Yes, I’m a romantic. And not the tragic romantic type either. No Romeo and Juliet or The Notebook for me. So, I’m a romantic and an idealist. I like happy endings. If the tale is brimming with sorrow or the ending tragic, I’m never watching again.

I like idealistic relationships where man meets woman, they learn what the other person is like, some of their quirks, strengths, weaknesses, fall in love and live happily ever after. Yet, this isn’t  truly a reflection of real life is it?

 Some of it can be true, especially all the way up to the happily ever after part. But, that part is the hardest. Because “ever after” encompasses years or decades and is usually when the really hard stuff happens, all the stuff of daily life like making a living, raising kids, really learning each other’s strengths and weaknesses and how to mesh yours and his together in a way that works for both of you.

 If you add a child or two with disabilities to the mix, that’s a recipe for more stress and burden on a relationship. And if both spouses aren’t committed to the better or worse part of it, it can quickly come to The End.

How do we live out “happily ever after” when the unexpected challenges of a child with additional needs are added to our marriage? It’s simple, but not easy. It goes back to what every relationship needs: attention, time, less selfishness, looking for ways to communicate love and care to your spouse.

I don’t know about you, but it has been easy for me to overlook the needs of my husband because I got so consumed with the needs of our kids, especially when our youngest was in crisis. Crisis for him lasted for years. Yet, if we neglect to care for the relationship with our spouse, it won’t survive, or at least won’t be healthy and all that it could be. At most, it might quality for “ever after”, but without the “happily.”

 If you, like me, have neglected your spouse, I’d encourage you to find some way of letting him know you appreciate and respect him for who he is and what he does.

Here’s a few ideas:

1.     You make the arrangements for a date night he’ll enjoy, whether that’s going out or staying in.

2.     Get a candy kiss (or bag of chocolate covered coffee beans) and put it on his pillow with a note that says one or two reasons you respect and love him (i.e. “I respect you for continuing to show up to face the responsibilities of this family. You’re an amazing man, husband, and father.”)

3.     Text him during the day while he’s at work just to let him know you’re thinking of him and appreciate what a hard worker he is.

4.     Slip a short love note in his underwear so when he goes to get dressed in the morning he has a nice surprise to start his day and knows he’s been thought of. It doesn’t have to be elaborate. Small sticky notes work well.

Pick one that fits your family and, even better, your husband’s love language! What ideas have you tried with success?

Written by Sarah McGuire, Co-Founder of Hope Anew

Emmanuel, God With Us

The very name of God, Emmanuel, God with us. It leaves me astounded.

We live on this Earth with pain, brokenness, strife, and evil of every kind all around us and bombarding us in the headlines daily.  

In the midst of everything we went through with our son, who was allergic to all food except for sweet potato and on the severe end of the autism spectrum; I found myself questioning God. “God, why did you allow this?” “God, why don’t you stop evil?” “God, where are you?” “God, have you abandoned me?”  I sank into a rather dark and hopeless place.

I questioned and felt lost. I knew what the Bible said. I knew the theological answers. But, suddenly, the questions and answers were no longer hypothetical. You know the hard places too, right? Maybe you’ve had some of the same questions.

Something I forgot in my dark, hopeless space was this – Emmanuel, God with us. It is part of who God is. It is His name. It is part of His very identity.

From the very beginning after creation, when the Earth and people were still perfect, before sin entered our story, God walked and talked directly with Adam and Eve. Emmanuel, God with us.  

Our choice to sin forced a separation between God and us. Yet, He loved us too much to leave us with the consequences of our actions and forever separated from Him. So, He sent His son as a man. Emmanuel, God with us.

He had His only son pay the price of our sin in our place. Emmanuel, God with us.

He sent His Holy Spirit to inhabit His people to act as comforter and guide until His son returns to gather us to heaven. Emmanuel, God with us.

We now have the hope of eternity spent with Him. A God who loves us beyond comprehension. Enough that He came from the perfection of heaven to this sin-cursed, pain-filled, broken, evil world in order to be with us forever. Emmanuel, God with us.

It astounds me. He is the God of the entire universe and being with us is one of His greatest desires. So much so, that it is His name. This Christmas may be a happy, sad, or challenging season for you, but remember that you are not alone. You have a God who loves you and is with you. Nothing can separate you from His love.

 “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.  No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.” ~ Romans 8:38, 39 (NLT)

Written by Sarah McGuire, Co-Founder of Hope Anew

Adaptive Parenting

Flexibility, understanding, pushing, pressure, grace, growth… all these words have been floating around in my mind the last couple of days. I was giving one kiddo a math test. It was a fairly simple test for him, reviewing concepts he has been familiar with for a couple of years just packaged in a different format. He excels at math, it just makes sense to him. But on this day about half way through the test, he started melting down. He was trying. He was putting in effort. He wasn’t quitting. But mentally and emotionally he was really struggling.

I went through a mental battle…we all have bad days and having a bad day on a test day is just how it goes sometimes, you don’t do well and that’s the grade you have to live with. On the other hand, it seemed to me that something was off, more than just a bad day. So, do I give him a break and have him continue later? Or do I push him through the whole test now?

 These mental battles we wage in our minds. When to push, when to let up, when to discipline, when to give grace, when to force them into change and when to adapt the environment around them to accommodate them. There is a time that each of these is the right thing, and there are times when each of these could be the wrong thing. Different kids and different stages of development require differing amounts of pressure to grow and do new or challenging things.

 As I look at God the Father’s example of parenting, this is what I see: He is love. He gives grace. He is patient. He is a God of second, third, and fourth chances. He forgives. He redeems. He also disciplines because He loves us and calls us to be like Him.

 Sometimes He asks really hard things of His children like Jesus and the cross or Joseph who was sold as a slave, falsely accused, put in jail, and then became a ruler. He also realizes when we just need a break like Elijah who after defeating the prophets of Baal and escaping Jezebel is burned out and feels alone and God sends an angel to care for him and tells him to sleep and eat. He parents each person individually according to their needs and through all of it he never abandons them. He is always with them providing support; love; direction; help; provision; and, greatest of all, salvation and an eternal hope.

 Sometimes being a parent means pushing our kids to do things that are hard. But it also means that we do all we can to prepare them, to provide coping mechanisms, to teach them how to navigate new places and situations, to provide a safety net that they know they can come back to us for help, that we are cheering them on wanting them to succeed, loving them whether they succeed or not.

What did I do with the math test? I told my dear son that I was proud of him because he was working hard and not giving up even when he was frustrated, and for his self-control and not getting overly angry or blowing up. I told him I could see he was struggling and I thought it was time to put it away for today, we’d finish the test tomorrow.

Written by Sarah McGuire Co-Founder of Hope Anew

PURPOSE IN THE PAIN

Do you enjoy pain? You may be thinking, what kind of ridiculous question is that? Who enjoys pain? You wouldn’t be alone in thinking that. If you go to the pharmacy or grocery store, the shelves are lined pain killers. Each of us probably has our own favorite. We live in a society that likes to go through life numbing pain.

I know I don’t personally enjoy pain and one of the most difficult things can be learning to walk through the pain. That pain can come in many forms…a physical illness, seeing a loved one struggle, the death of someone that is close to us, failures and mistakes, or…seeing our child struggle with special needs.

I recently heard the following quote by Erwin McManus, “Your pain is not the boundary for your limitation. Your pain is the boundary for your greatness.” When hearing this quote, it would be easy to think, “This guy must have had a pretty easy life.” The reality is that he said this after a life threatening battle with cancer.

The next instinct is to dismiss what Erwin said by saying, “This can’t be true because if it were I wouldn’t be struggling to get through the day. I wouldn’t be living in survival mode. I would be able to make an impact in the community around me.” The problem isn’t the quote. The problem is how we define greatness.

As I look back over our journey with special needs, I look at the person I was at the beginning and the person that I am now and I am a different person. I have grown in my ability to love. I have become more understanding. I have become a better father, a better husband. I am becoming more like Christ. I have a long way to go but I am growing. Becoming more like Christ is the greatest thing we can accomplish with our lives.

Somewhere along the way, many of us began to believe that if we followed Christ, obeyed God’s Word, and went to church that we would have good lives and then we were thrown into a spiritual tailspin when our children had the struggles that they have had.

God doesn’t promise to take away our pain but He does promise to be there with us through the pain.

Are you the parent of a child with additional needs? It can be easy to get caught up in the lows, the struggles, and the pain. I’m going to ask you to do something very difficult. I’m going to ask you to look beyond the pain and reflect on how you have grown as a person. If you are a follower of Christ, how have you become more like Him? How has your pain become the boundary for your greatness?

4 Steps To Better Communication

Parenting is hard work… As a parent of a child impacted by special needs, you will have to work even harder.  Advice that you hear experts giving other parents often doesn’t work with your family.  This makes one piece of expert advice even more critical…communicate.

If you are married, the need for you to communicate with each other is key.  It is easy to get discouraged, not know what to do, or not know what to say.  It is imperative that you work together to come up with a game plan so you know that you are both on the same team, not working against each other.

Our son has a hard time communicating with me, especially when he is struggling with a decision I have made. During these times, he will go and talk to his Mom about it. She listens (so he feels heard, understood and calms down) and then coaches him on how to come back and talk with me. Notice, she doesn’t just listen to his side and overrule what I told him. She and I have an understanding about what she is doing during this time and instead of me being offended, I can recognize it for what it is and see the value of what is happening – he is getting training in how to handle conflict and how to communicate in a more effective way.  However, if Sarah and I hadn’t talked about this, it could easily appear that he was just going behind my back in these conversations.  She had to intentionally take time to communicate with me how he was feeling and what she was doing with these conversations.

Communication is difficult.  There is never enough time and we are all so unique in how we process things that it is easy to interpret a word or glance incorrectly.  Here are four tips to improve how you and your spouse communicate:

1. Set an appointment – If there is something the two of you really need to discuss, don’t just dive in right before bed but let your spouse know you need to talk and find out when would be good for them.
2. Be present – Make eye contact, put away the cell phone, laptop and other distractions.  Don’t interrupt or jump in with solutions.
3. Reflect – Summarize back to your spouse what you think you are hearing them communicate.
4. Determine – Was this informational?  Did your spouse just need to vent or do you need to work together for a solution?

How are you and your spouse doing with communicating? We want to hear from you.  What helps you and your spouse stay on the same page?

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS WITH A TWIST

The new year has come and with it comes conversations about New Year’s resolutions. There are some very intentional folks out there who set aside time to think over the previous year and set goals for the upcoming year. There are other individuals that are more whimsical and just wing it, putting together a list of things on the spot when someone asks them what their New Year’s resolutions are. Typically, resolutions focus on health, finances, and relationships and often are very lofty goals that almost no one accomplishes. In fact, one source states that only 8% of people accomplish their list of resolutions!

It is easy to be fatalistic about new year resolutions given the low level of success. I admit that I am often the first to scoff at the idea of making a New Year’s resolution but I don’t want to minimize the need to set goals. As parents of children impacted by special needs, our resolutions may need to be more down to earth and have a different focus but in some ways it can be even more important for us.

So without further ado, I want to give you some ideas for New Year’s resolutions with a twist.

• This year, on those days I am seriously stressed, I am going to eat the WHOLE bar of dark chocolate with my coffee!
• Once a month, I will soak in a hot bubble bath with my earphones on so I can’t hear my screaming child (please note that said screaming child is safe and no harm will come to him).
• Instead of joining a men’s basketball team, I will set up the trashcan across the room and perfect that jump shot with my child’s diapers.
• If married, I will regularly take an evening out by myself while my spouse stays home with the kids, and I’ll encourage my spouse to do so as well.
• Each week, I will look for something to laugh about. This may come from my own life or it may require googling a funny video or comic.
• I will put together my own special music playlist on my smartphone or iPod that I can jam to when I need a break.
• I will stay off social media during times of high societal stress (elections, etc.) and will not follow those people on social media who drain my energy.
• This year I will download a fun audiobook…and actually listen to it.
• I will watch a movie of my choosing and not my child’s.
• I will get a massage at least once this year.
• I will try something new that I have always wanted to do but never have.

You may have noticed a theme with the above resolutions. Not to say that you won’t want to have other resolutions but this year, I want you to give yourself permission to look after you and do some things you enjoy without feeling guilty. Our tendency is to always focus on our children and their needs but if we don’t take care of ourselves, we won’t be there for the long haul with our children.

Let’s be real, with everything on our plates as parents of children impacted by special needs, the odds are not real high that we will achieve our new year resolutions. However, the first step in accomplishing something great or small is to set a goal. Michael Hyatt shared in a recent training that he provided that when we write down our goals, we are 42% more likely to achieve them. Look at the list above, what are two or three things you can set as your goal for caring for yourself this year or are there other things you can do? Now, write them down and put them somewhere you will see them.

WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU. WHAT WOULD YOUR LIST LOOK LIKE?

Rewrapping Christmas: Establishing New Traditions

What are some of your favorite memories from the holidays growing up? Did your family have traditions that you looked forward to every year? Maybe it was a special dessert, a fun activity, or a certain event.

Growing up, the smell of cookies baking would take the edge off those frigid days and signaled the coming of Christmas. Mom would go into baking mode the weeks before Christmas and would bake so many different varieties of Christmas cookies that were to be brought out on Christmas day. Each of us had our own favorites that we would sneak from the freezer. Mom must have made extra to accommodate for this, because we always seemed to have more than enough for Christmas. In addition to this, we would have a special coffee cake that she made for Christmas morning.

It may sound silly, but when we found out that our youngest son was allergic to all food except sweet potato, I really went through a grieving process during the holidays. It was such a huge part of what I looked forward to each year. Celebrating Christmas was synonymous with having scrumptious smells wafting around you like a warm blanket, inviting you into a sense of peace, comfort and safety. The most challenging decision being which cookie to eat next and leaving you with anticipation over the meals to come. I missed this. Christmas no longer felt like Christmas.

Each of us have those things that make the holidays feel special. Many of us have had to give up those things due to the needs of a child and that is okay, we would do it again in a heartbeat but giving up those traditions can leave us in a little bit of a funk. It is also okay to miss those things. Don’t feel guilty about it.

 So what can you do if you find yourself in a little bit of a holiday funk this year?

• Acknowledge it to yourself. Don’t pretend that everything is okay or put yourself down for struggling with the new normal.
• If married, share about it with your spouse. Odds are they are struggling to some degree as well. If not married, find a friend you can talk to over a peppermint latte or other favorite holiday beverage.
• Dare to dream. What new traditions can you build? Initially they may feel forced, but eventually you and your family will look forward to them with eager anticipation.

Our family now enjoys unwrapping a new pair of Christmas Pajamas and watching “Elf” on Christmas Eve. As I sit here with my cup of coffee, healing has taken place and I can fondly reflect on the memories from Christmas’ gone by and look forward with anticipation to the Christmas’ yet ahead. 

We would love to hear from you. What does your family do to make Christmas special?

Signs You May Be Dealing With Trauma

Being traumatized is our reaction to an event or series of events.  People will react to the same experiences differently.  I had the opportunity to debrief an individual after she arrived back in the United States from traveling overseas.  During her travels, she and two other individuals went to a coffee shop.  A truck crashed through where they were sitting and gunshots erupted.  She ran to safety with the others.  In checking to make sure they were each okay, one individual found a bullet hole in his pant leg!  While we were debriefing, it was clear that the woman was struggling greatly from the emotional trauma.  In fact, through conversations it was evident that she was more deeply impacted than the individual who had the bullet go through his pant leg.  This does not mean she was weaker than him or processing the event wrong.  We just all respond to situations differently depending on timing and other things going on in our lives.

Each day, parents of children impacted by special needs experience so much just through the course of taking care of their children.  Yes, there is a lot of good but there is a lot that is really, really hard.  We are there with our children as they struggle.  We are with them through the countless doctor appointments and possible surgeries.  We are with them through the sleepless nights and are agonizing about what to do next.  It tears us a part to see them hurting and not know what to do.  As my wife Sarah tells people, it wasn’t that she was just trying to get through the day.  She was trying to get through that minute.  Is it any wonder that we as parents can experience trauma or secondary trauma?

How about you?  How are you coping?  Mobile Member Care works specifically with missionaries overseas and has put together the following chart for reactions to trauma in adults.  You can see the original here.  As you read the chart, mark those reactions that apply to you. 

How many of the above reactions sound familiar to you? One, five, ten…more? 

If you find yourself struggling, remember…it doesn’t mean you are weak or lacking faith.  It doesn’t mean you are a bad parent. It is okay to struggle.  When we accept our weakness, it opens the door for God's strength to work through us in ways we never imagined.   

2 Corinthians 12: 9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."