Organizational Strategies Are Saving My Life Right Now

Organizational strategies are saving my life right now, and my 94-year-old mother is the reason.

Our family is in a season similar to the early 1980s when my husband and I were parenting a medically fragile baby. Back then one medical crisis after another meant dropping everything, buckling our son into his car seat, and racing to the doctor’s office or hospital. Nowadays, calls from Mom’s long term care facility require snap decisions regarding her medical care or unexpected trips to her bedside.

Thankfully, I cut my organizational teeth as my son cut his baby ones. The process was drawn out and painful for both of us. Still, I’m grateful for lessons learned in those years because they taught me that organization can ease the stress of caregiving. Several organizational strategies are saving my life right now, and today I’m sharing seven of them.

#1: The Lazy Genius.

Kendra Adachi is host of the The Lazy Genius Podcast and author of two amazing organizational books, The Lazy Genius Way and The Lazy Genius Kitchen. She approaches organization as principles to apply in your circumstances rather than as tips that worked in her life. Her method helps me “lazy genius” how to deal with my caregiving situation, and it can do the same for you.

#2 Sticky Notes.

3-M introduced Post-It® Notes in 1980. I wrote notes to the substitute teachers who took over my classroom on a moment’s notice. Now I use them to write notes to myself about what I was doing before being called away. They are also handy for instructing my husband, daughter, son-in-law, and grandkids what to eat or not eat in the fridge or freezer. Those stickies are assurance that there will be food when I arrive home exhausted.

#3 Freezer Meals.

Yep, another food strategy. Because nothing stresses me more than having to think of what to feed my family when I’m emotionally spent. And nothing eases my stress like pulling out a freezer meal and leaving a sticky note with supper instructions (see #2) before dashing out the door to go to Mom. When I menu plan for the upcoming week, I make sure 1 meal is a recipe I can double, triple, or quadruple. 1 batch is for supper, and the rest are packaged and put in the freezer.

#4: iPhone’s Reminder App.

My daughter created several shared grocery lists using this handy iPhone App. Yes. Another food strategy. This time it’s because not having all the ingredients when ready to make a quadruple batch of something is also very stressful. And with 3 adults in the house who share cooking and shopping duties at several grocery stores, the shared lists let us communicate without convening a family meeting each week. Which I likely would miss when called away because of Mom’s latest health crisis.

#5 Electronic Library List.

This electronic list is available to card-carrying patrons of our local library. After I search for a book, DVD, or other item at the library website, I can click a button and add them to my list. When I go to the library, I pull up the list on my phone, find the item on the shelf, and delete it from the list. Your library probably has a similar system. For our family, which is deeply invested in reading, this list is better than sticky notes.

#6: Paper Calendars.

Wall calendars work for me in ways that electronic calendars don’t. It’s always in the same place in my kitchen. I menu plan and write big events on mine with Sharpie marker so a month’s worth of meals (More food. What can I say?) and events are visible at a glance. I also prefer a paper planner over an electronic one because flipping pages is easier than swiping screens.

#7: Pill Organizers.

Whether they hold vitamin and mineral supplements, pills prescribed by a doctor or over the counter medications, these organizers cut down on the “Did I take my pills?” or “Did I give my kids theirs?” confusion. I filled mine every weekend until a Facebook friend posted a picture of the 4 pill organizers she filled once a month. I was an instant convert. Not only does this practice save time, I can see what’s running low and order more right away. This decreases the likelihood of running out when Mom’s next health crisis hits.

These organizational strategies are saving my life right now. Bottom line––being organized allows me to better focus on Mom’s needs when they arise. However as you and I know much of a caregiver’s life, or the life of the loved ones we care for, can’t be organized or controlled. In those situations, God calls us to rest in His control over all things. When we do, He will reveal His sovereignty and provision in ways that lead us to deeper faith, greater worship, and confidence in Him.

Written by Jolene Philo

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Jolene Philo is the author of several books for the caregiving community. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. She's also the creator and host of the Different Dream website. Sharing Love Abundantly With Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities, which she co-authored with Dr. Gary Chapman, was released in August of 2019 and is available at local bookstores, their bookstore website, and at Amazon. See Jane Run!, the first book in the West River cozy mystery series was released in June of 2022.

Using the 5 Love Languages to Help Traumatized Kids

Using the 5 love languages to help traumatized kids makes perfect sense to me. Not just because I’ve written extensively about childhood trauma and how to adapt the 5 love languages in special needs families. But because I’m the parent of a son affected by trauma and a former educator who witnessed the positive impact loving adults can make in a child’s life.

The love languages are a simple tool that parents, teachers, day care providers, pastors, medical professionals, therapists, and other adults in children’s lives can use to amplify that impact. This is true whether a child’s trauma is caused by abuse, removal to foster care, divorce, natural disasters, accidents, the death of a loved one, painful and invasive medical or dental procedures, homelessness, or other overwhelming events.

Here’s why I believe using the 5 love languages to help traumatized kids is worthwhile.

The love languages help children feel safe. Traumatic events decrease a child’s feeling of security and safety. After the traumatic event, they need assurance that they are loved and safe. When those assurances are delivered in the child’s primary love language, the child will be more receptive to them. The love languages enhance communication. Children affected by trauma require frequent reminders that they are safe over a long period of time. The more trauma they’ve experienced, the more reminders they need. By speaking a child’s love language to deliver that reassurance in a variety of creative ways, they are more likely to hear and accept it.

The love languages improve observational skills. A child’s love language can often be determined by observing what motivates them, what calms them, and what they choose to do in their free time. Another technique is to use one love language with a child for a week for 5 weeks. Throughout the process, the child’s responses to each language is observed, recorded in a notebook, and evaluated to determine the child’s language. In the case of children dealing with trauma, those observations may also reveal what triggers and frightens them. This information can be used to eliminate trauma triggers and increase a child’s sense of safety.

The love languages make us more intentional. Once we know someone’s love language, we can  intentionally insert them into our relationships. We can make them part of our kids’ daily lives and routine. Kids living with trauma thrive on routine because its predictability increases their sense of safety.

The love languages can provide insight for mental health practitioners. The love languages are a tool that can help traumatized children feel safe, but many need professional treatment to heal the mental wounds caused by trauma. A good trauma therapist will appreciate tips about how to gain a child’s trust and develop a good relationship, so go ahead and share your child’s love language.

I encourage you and your kids to visit the 5 love languages website where you can take free quizzes to determine your love languages. The book Sharing Love Abundantly in Special Needs Families offers more guidance about how parents raising children with disabilities can determine their love languages and how to adapt them to meet a child’s unique individual needs.

Written by Jolene Philo

If you would like to learn more about using the 5 Love Languages to help children who have been traumatized, you won’t want to miss this week’s podcast that we did with Jolene. You can listen to it here.

Jolene Philo is the author of the Different Dream series for parents of kids with special needs. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. She recently co-authored Sharing Love Abundantly in Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities with Dr. Gary Chapman. Her blog for parents raising children with special needs and disabilities can be found at www.DifferentDream.com.

6 Ways To Care For Your Spouse

When your life revolves around caring for your kids, especially children with additional needs, it is easy to see why marriage can take a backseat. We’re in survival mode, and we know our spouses are able to take care of themselves. But that doesn’t mean they don’t need our love and support. 

There’s a higher divorce rate between couples with children with special needs, and I can totally see why. Marriage is hard enough, but when you add the challenges and stresses of special needs parenting, there are bound to be extra bumps in the marriage.

BUT...you made a commitment to love, honor, and cherish your spouse. Here are six ways you can do that:

1. Have a heart to heart. 

You and your spouse may have different ways of dealing with your child’s special needs.  They are probably dealing with this journey different than you. But that doesn’t mean they don’t care about your child. It doesn’t mean they’re not experiencing their own grief and struggles. It doesn’t mean you both don’t have goals and dreams for your family to not just survive, but to thrive together. 

Take time to listen to each other. Ask questions. Make plans together. Determine to travel this journey together. To fight together for your children, and to fight for each other.

2. Do one thing for your spouse that shows you were thinking of them.

We have a million things on our plate, thinking about doing something for our spouse may not be anywhere near our plate. But I encourage you to think about something you can intentionally do for your spouse that would mean a lot to them and show them you were thinking about them. If your spouse has asked you to do something and you’ve been procrastinating on it, choose to get it done to honor them. Or if they’ve briefly mentioned something they would like done or would like to do, make it happen. 

If you don’t know what your spouse would like done, just ask, you may be surprised! I used to think my husband wanted the kitchen clean, laundry done, floor swept, dinners cooked, the whole shebang, and I felt like I was failing him because I couldn’t do it all. So one day I asked him what is the number one thing he wanted done around the house.

I was surprised when he said he just wanted the papers around the house to be organized, that the piles of paper stressed him out. With the kids’ school work and therapy evaluations and IEP papers and mail and bills, papers just pile up and I am oblivious to them. They don’t bother me so I don’t think to organize them that often, but now that I know it bothers him, I intentionally set aside time each week to sort through, file, organize, and recycle papers. He always notices when I do it and feels honored. 

3. Take some time to do something fun together.

Yes, I know this one is easier said than done sometimes. Especially when it’s hard to get childcare. If you can get childcare or respite to go on a date, do it! Go somewhere fun, and enjoy yourself and your spouse’s company.

If you can’t get childcare, think of something creative you and your spouse can do at home. Sometimes my husband and I would have picnic dates after the kids went to bed. We’d eat a late dinner or a dessert on the living room floor on a blanket with candles and just talk. Or watch a movie. It wasn’t fancy, but it was special because we made it so and chose to just focus on us.

4. Gift something special for your spouse just because you love them.

You don’t have to wait for a special occasion to buy or gift something to your spouse that you know they would appreciate. It doesn’t even have to be something big. It could be a funny card that reminded you of them, or something they mentioned they would enjoy having, or you could make or buy their favorite dinner or dessert.

5. Let your spouse know what you love about them.

It can be easy to feel like we’re letting people down or we’re not doing enough until someone tells us otherwise, and then it makes our day and makes a stand a little taller. It only takes a minute to let your spouse know how much they mean to you, or how much you appreciate certain aspects or qualities about them. You could also send encouraging texts throughout the day, leave a love note somewhere they’d find it, get them a funny card they’ll appreciate and write a few things you admire about them. 

My husband used to travel a lot for work, and I made a habit of writing him a little love note or getting him a card and stashing it somewhere in his suitcase or backpack. He never said anything about any of those notes, but I kept doing it anyway. One day, while we were packing up to move, I found a stack of these love notes and cards in his Bible he keeps in his nightstand. He had kept and treasured them all.

6. Hug, kiss, hold hands, all that mushy stuff.

When my husband would come home from work, a lot of times I’d be busy cooking dinner or doing something for the kids that I’d barely even acknowledge my husband’s arrival. One day I felt really convicted of that. I wanted our home to be a place he wanted to come home to, where he felt loved and wanted and so I determined from then on that when he came home I’d stop what I was doing and give him a quick hug or kiss and let him know I was glad to see him.

Hugging, kissing, shoulder rubs, cuddling, holding hands--whatever your spouse’s favorite form of physical touch is, make sure you’re incorporating it. Sprinkled in throughout the day, they are encouraging reminders that your spouse loves you and wants to be with you.

You may or may not have noticed that all these suggestions cover each of the five love languages. If you know your spouse’s love language, make sure you are speaking their language most often! But regardless of what love language you or your spouse have, incorporating all of them will do wonders for your marriage, and for your spouse. If you want to learn more I encourage you to check out Jolene Philo and Dr. Gary Chapman’s book Sharing Love Abundantly in Special Needs Families: The Five Love Languages for Parents of Children with Disabilities.

You can also check out our latest podcast episode, where we discuss embracing our spouses and this special needs parenting journey.

Nurturing our marriage and our spouse is not only good for “the one our heart loves” (Song of Solomon 3:4), but it is also healthy for our own emotional well-being, and for our children to see that their parents love each other.

Written by Jenn Soehnlin

Bio: Jenn Soehnlin is a mother to two little lads who are precious blessings and who both have special needs. She is the author of Embracing This Special Life: Learning to Flourish as a Mother of a Child with Special Needs.

Jenn enjoys blogging about faith, praying scripture, and special needs parenting at www.embracing.life. You can also find her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

Rejoice To Do Good

Rejoice to do good.

Those words from Ecclesiastes 3:12 have been easy to obey this month with the release of Sharing Love Abundantly in Special Needs Families, which I co-wrote with Dr. Gary Chapman. Yeah, he's the love languages guy. So I have plenty to rejoice about these days.

But when I was a kid surreptitiously carrying my dad's urinal to the empty in the church bathroom or feeling the stares of neighbor kids as I wheeled him around the block, the command to rejoice to do good stuck in my craw.

After the birth of our first child, my reaction to the rejoice to do good thing would have been to throw my Bible across the room. If I'd had time to read my Bible. Which I didn't thanks to sleep deprivation, and atypical baby care like pumping breast milk 6 times a day to pour down his feeding tube, and way too many 240 mile round trips from the remote town where we lived to the doctor's office.

 All of which prevented the throwing of my Bible. And proves that Romans 8:28 is true. God does work all things to good for those who love Him and are called according to His purposes.

 Back to rejoice to do good thing. My point is this.

 Throughout my childhood, when Mom, my siblings, and I cared for Dad we were doing great good. My husband and I also did great good caring for our son during the hard first years of his life. In both situations, we had no idea we were doing good. We were just doing what loving families do–we were taking care of our family members who couldn't care for themselves.

I'm sure there were people who pointed this truth out to Mom, but it went over my daydreamy head. I think there were people who pointed out this truth to my husband and me, but we were too sleep deprived and stressed for it to register. Not to mention that hearing such a sentiment from a person who is hasn't raised a child with disabilities or special needs would have been hard for me to swallow.

I, however, am a parent who raised a child with special needs. I am like you, so I can speak this truth into your heart. You are doing great good.

You do great good every time you race your medically fragile child to the doctor's office or hospital.

You do great good when you stand calmly beside your child when he has a meltdown at the grocery store.

You do great good when you advocate for your child at IEP meetings and annual reviews.

You do great good work when you change your adult son's diaper or your adult daughter's menstrual pad.

You do great good by showing up at church with your entire family on Sunday morning.

You do great good when you drag out of bed every night to comfort your child.

You do great good by biting your tongue and choosing words of affirmation instead of frustration.

You do great good when you look into your child's eyes and say, "I love you. You are worthy. You are made in God's image."

In these ways and a thousand million others every day you are doing great good.

Though you may not see all the good now, one day–in this world or the next–you will. In that day, you will be amazed by the good God has accomplished through you and through your child. This is why we can rejoice to do good even in the hard days of caregiving. We can rejoice to do good because as believers and children of God, we stand upon God's promise to use our present situation for eternal good. We know, without a shadow of doubt, that the best is yet to come. 

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think,

according to the power that works within us,

to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.

Ephesians 3:20–21 (NASB)

Written by Jolene Philo

Jolene Philo is the mother of a son born with life-threatening special needs and the daughter of a father severely affected by multiple sclerosis. In her 25 years as an educator, she integrated children with special needs into her classroom. She’s written 5 books about caregiving, special needs parenting, and childhood PTSD. Most recently, She co-wrote a book with Dr. Gary Chapman about how parents of kids with special needs can use the 5 love languages in their families.

Jolene speaks at conferences around the country and internationally, facilitates classes about childhood trauma for educators, and trains special needs ministry leaders and volunteers. She blogs at  www.DifferentDream.com.

She and her husband live in Iowa.

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