Every season has its challenges and joys.

Every season has its challenges and joys. 

God has been injecting that truth into my heart with particular intensity this week. 

I wish he would stop.

He began this exercise in my character development with a pain in my left side and lower back.  It was a familiar issue that usually clears up after 1 or 2 visits to the chiropractor. This time, the pain has gotten worse. 

I’ve been hobbling around the house like an old person, counting the hours until my doctor’s appointment tomorrow. Then I remembered that I am getting older.

Now I’m fine with the perks of this season of life. Being old enough to retire and pursue my own interests. Paying 80 bucks for a lifetime pass that gets us into national parks for free. Having coffee with friends when I want.

But age-related hip pain? I am not fine with that, and let God know loud and clear. At which point he injected a dose of truth into my dissatisfied heart.

Every season has its challenges and joys.

I tested the truth by taking a trip down memory lane.

The first stop was the birth of our son. This was a season of joy, followed by a special needs diagnosis and interspersed with challenges inherent to his condition. These continued throughout his early childhood. 

Through them all God brought just the right specialists, new medicines he could tolerate appeared on the market, and friends gathered round to bear us up.

The second stop was parenting him as a teenager and into young adulthood. We know now that he was living with undiagnosed post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). That led to many challenges. But watching his intelligence, creativity, humor, and talents develop brought great joy. 

In those years God led our son to gifted teachers, safe places, and hard experiences that eventually led to diagnosis and effective treatment.

The third stop began when our son and daughter started adulting in earnest. Our biggest challenge in this ongoing season is keeping our mouths shut and offering advice and assistance only when they ask for it. Another challenge is watching them pick themselves after they fail. This is also a season of great rejoicing when they pick themselves up and persevere. When they ask for help and respect our advice. As they encourage us to develop strong relationships with their kids. 

Every day we experience God’s blessings as he shepherds our family toward his will.

The fourth and final stop was the season of walking my mother through her last years of life. She died this past June after a slow and painful deterioration of her body and mind. The challenges were so constant, the joys so fleeting that my siblings and I, along with our spouses, rejoiced as she took her last breath and entered eternal life with Jesus. 

Through our tears, we sensed God’s peace and pleasure in the love and care we had given her for so long.

Today I saw a picture I took on Mom’s final, good afternoon. Her eyes were bright, her mind clear, and her smile infectious. Her joy made me cry, and I wondered, “Is the pain in my hip related to the pain in my heart?”

In answer God pointed to the truth he’d made clear at every stop during my walk down memory lane.

Every season has its challenges and joys, and he had been with me through all of them.

Whatever the doctor says tomorrow and however long my pain lasts, I can rest in knowing that he is with me in this season, too.

Written by Jolene Philo

Jolene Philo is the author of several books for the caregiving community. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. She's also the creator and host of the Different Dream website. Sharing Love Abundantly With Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities, which she co-authored with Dr. Gary Chapman, was released in August of 2019 and is available at local bookstores, their bookstore website, and Amazon. See Jane Sing!, the second book in the West River cozy mystery series, which features characters affected by disability, was released in November of 2022.

Organizational Strategies Are Saving My Life Right Now

Organizational strategies are saving my life right now, and my 94-year-old mother is the reason.

Our family is in a season similar to the early 1980s when my husband and I were parenting a medically fragile baby. Back then one medical crisis after another meant dropping everything, buckling our son into his car seat, and racing to the doctor’s office or hospital. Nowadays, calls from Mom’s long term care facility require snap decisions regarding her medical care or unexpected trips to her bedside.

Thankfully, I cut my organizational teeth as my son cut his baby ones. The process was drawn out and painful for both of us. Still, I’m grateful for lessons learned in those years because they taught me that organization can ease the stress of caregiving. Several organizational strategies are saving my life right now, and today I’m sharing seven of them.

#1: The Lazy Genius.

Kendra Adachi is host of the The Lazy Genius Podcast and author of two amazing organizational books, The Lazy Genius Way and The Lazy Genius Kitchen. She approaches organization as principles to apply in your circumstances rather than as tips that worked in her life. Her method helps me “lazy genius” how to deal with my caregiving situation, and it can do the same for you.

#2 Sticky Notes.

3-M introduced Post-It® Notes in 1980. I wrote notes to the substitute teachers who took over my classroom on a moment’s notice. Now I use them to write notes to myself about what I was doing before being called away. They are also handy for instructing my husband, daughter, son-in-law, and grandkids what to eat or not eat in the fridge or freezer. Those stickies are assurance that there will be food when I arrive home exhausted.

#3 Freezer Meals.

Yep, another food strategy. Because nothing stresses me more than having to think of what to feed my family when I’m emotionally spent. And nothing eases my stress like pulling out a freezer meal and leaving a sticky note with supper instructions (see #2) before dashing out the door to go to Mom. When I menu plan for the upcoming week, I make sure 1 meal is a recipe I can double, triple, or quadruple. 1 batch is for supper, and the rest are packaged and put in the freezer.

#4: iPhone’s Reminder App.

My daughter created several shared grocery lists using this handy iPhone App. Yes. Another food strategy. This time it’s because not having all the ingredients when ready to make a quadruple batch of something is also very stressful. And with 3 adults in the house who share cooking and shopping duties at several grocery stores, the shared lists let us communicate without convening a family meeting each week. Which I likely would miss when called away because of Mom’s latest health crisis.

#5 Electronic Library List.

This electronic list is available to card-carrying patrons of our local library. After I search for a book, DVD, or other item at the library website, I can click a button and add them to my list. When I go to the library, I pull up the list on my phone, find the item on the shelf, and delete it from the list. Your library probably has a similar system. For our family, which is deeply invested in reading, this list is better than sticky notes.

#6: Paper Calendars.

Wall calendars work for me in ways that electronic calendars don’t. It’s always in the same place in my kitchen. I menu plan and write big events on mine with Sharpie marker so a month’s worth of meals (More food. What can I say?) and events are visible at a glance. I also prefer a paper planner over an electronic one because flipping pages is easier than swiping screens.

#7: Pill Organizers.

Whether they hold vitamin and mineral supplements, pills prescribed by a doctor or over the counter medications, these organizers cut down on the “Did I take my pills?” or “Did I give my kids theirs?” confusion. I filled mine every weekend until a Facebook friend posted a picture of the 4 pill organizers she filled once a month. I was an instant convert. Not only does this practice save time, I can see what’s running low and order more right away. This decreases the likelihood of running out when Mom’s next health crisis hits.

These organizational strategies are saving my life right now. Bottom line––being organized allows me to better focus on Mom’s needs when they arise. However as you and I know much of a caregiver’s life, or the life of the loved ones we care for, can’t be organized or controlled. In those situations, God calls us to rest in His control over all things. When we do, He will reveal His sovereignty and provision in ways that lead us to deeper faith, greater worship, and confidence in Him.

Written by Jolene Philo

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Jolene Philo is the author of several books for the caregiving community. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. She's also the creator and host of the Different Dream website. Sharing Love Abundantly With Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities, which she co-authored with Dr. Gary Chapman, was released in August of 2019 and is available at local bookstores, their bookstore website, and at Amazon. See Jane Run!, the first book in the West River cozy mystery series was released in June of 2022.

Thriving When First World Problems & Caregiving Problems Dominate Our Daily Lives

First world problems and caregiving problems are dominating my life right now. They’ve made re-entry after a month-long trip to celebrate my husband's retirement rather rocky. Here are a few examples of what’s been happening.

The installation of our new heating and cooling system required punching numerous holes in our walls…including my office. The work was supposed to be completed while we were gone, but won’t be done for weeks or possibly months.

That’s a first world problem.

Hospice re-evaluated my mother after she had bouts of major confusion and agitation while we were gone, but she still doesn’t qualify for their services.

That’s a caregiving problem.

The morning after a heavy rain, we discovered a leak in the new addition just as a workman came to deal with a backed up basement drain.

First world problem followed by first world problem.

My mother keeps asking when she gets to move in with us. I keep telling her that as long as work delays continue and our walls are pocked with holes, it’s not safe for her to move in.

That’s a caregiving problem solved by a first world problem.

That final confluence of first world problems and caregiving problems got me thinking about how they’ve impacted my life in the past.

Our newborn son’s condition at birth was an age old problem. His diagnosis and surgery at birth caused a host of complications and subsequent surgeries. Those complications were first world problems.

Had our son been born in a different country, not to mention in a different day and age, he wouldn’t be alive today. In other words, first world solutions for his condition caused first world problems and caregiving problems that our family dealt with for years.

During those years, all my thoughts, all life revolved around my son.

Was he getting sick again?

Did he need another surgery? Another test? Another procedure?

Could I pump enough milk to nourish his body?

Would he ever sleep through the night so we could sleep through the night?

Only rarely did my focus move from the immediate, the urgent, and the life-threatening to a broader perspective.

Only rarely–very rarely–could I move beyond myself and our son and see the blessings God had bestowed through our first world problems.

Our son was alive.

Many surgeons had the training to correct his birth anomaly.

His prognosis was good.

We had a supportive network of friends and family.

We had excellent insurance.

We had good jobs and understanding employers.

On the few occasions when I found the wherewithal to reflect upon the goodness of our first world problems in combination with the caregiving problems they caused, my heart beat faster. My breath caught. Tears flowed.

I saw the goodness and wisdom of the One who will wipe away every tear from our eyes in a world where there will be no more death, mourning, crying or pain (Revelation 21:4).

I saw, not the first world and the problems it creates,

nor my caregiving world and its problems,

but the world to come.

The promise of that world is where you and I can find the hope, compassion, strength, and endurance needed to thrive when first world problems and caregiving problems dominate our daily lives.

Written by Jolene Philo

Jolene Philo is the mother of a son born with life-threatening special needs and the daughter of a father severely affected by multiple sclerosis. In her 25 years as an educator, she integrated children with special needs into her classroom. She’s written 5 books about caregiving, special needs parenting, and childhood PTSD. She recently co-authored a book with Dr. Gary Chapman about how parents of kids with special needs can use the 5 love languages in their families. Jolene speaks at conferences around the country and internationally, facilitates classes about childhood trauma for educators, and trains special needs ministry leaders and volunteers. She blogs at www.DifferentDream.com. She and her husband live in Iowa.

"Write Everything Down"

“Write everything down,” my adult daughter said.

I stared at her, equally amazed by her wisdom and my epic fail to practice what I’ve been preaching for more than a decade.

When I spoke at special needs and disability conferences–pre-pandemic of course–parents would ask how to be effective advocates for their kids. My top 3 tidbits of advice were always:

1. Let people in.

2. Don’t take no for an answer.

3. Write everything down.

How had I forgotten my own best advice this spring while advocating on my mother’s behalf? I’m blaming my oversight partly on the pandemic (it’s about time it was good for something), and partly on my inability to see that effective special needs advocacy practices are equally effective while advocating for the elderly.

I tore myself away from staring in amazement at my daughter–when did she become so wise?– and went into my office where I began to write everything down as she had advised. That was about 2 weeks after Mom’s health issues began, and the timeline of events was still clear in my mind. At the time this post was written, the timeline had stretched to 4 weeks and counting. If my daughter hadn’t said to write everything down when she did, the increasing number of events would have become muddled and my recording of them inaccurate. Not good.

Because effective special needs advocacy practices can be applied effectively during elder care advocacy, and vice versa, let’s see how the other two tidbits of advice can work for both populations.

1. Let people in.

Once I wrote everything down, I sent copies of the document to my 2 siblings. I add to it a couple times a week and send the updated document to them again. Why? First, it eliminates the need to send lengthy texts to keep them in the loop. Second, they send me feedback about what they believe next steps should be. Today’s update led to my brother and I scheduling a meeting we’ll attend together on Mom’s behalf. Our sister, who lives in a different state, suggested language to use during the meeting. By letting them in, our advocacy is united and more powerful. We do our loved ones, whatever their ages, a great service when letting people leads to more effective advocacy.

2. Don’t take no for an answer.

As a lifelong rule follower and people pleaser, this one’s hard for me. I trust and respect people in authority. I don’t want to question them. If I was the only person involved, I probably wouldn’t question them. But this isn’t about me, just like your advocacy on behalf of your kids. It’s about them, their care, their quality of life, and respecting their wishes. So when I detect inaccuracies or hear something stated from an incomplete perspective, I push back. I provide my version of events and share my documentation. Which leads back to where this post started.

3. Write everything down.

Mom will need my sibling and I to be her voice, her advocates, for the rest of her life. Depending on your children’s special needs or disability, you will be their voices and their advocates, at least for a time. By writing everything down we are equipping ourselves to speak well on their behalf, for however long our loved ones require our advocacy.

I’ve added a final tidbit of advice to my list, though it may not work for you. Would you like to know what it is? Listen to your daughter. She’s one wise woman!

Written by Jolene Philo

Jolene Philo is the author of the Different Dream series for parents of kids with special needs. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. She's also the creator and host of the Different Dream website. Sharing Love Abundantly With Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities, which she co-authored with Dr. Gary Chapman, was released in August of 2019 and is available at local bookstores, their bookstore website, and at Amazon.

Myths of Caregiver Stress

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 Jolene Philo is the mother of a son born with life-threatening special needs and the daughter of a father severely affected by multiple sclerosis. In her 25 years as an educator, she integrated children with special needs into her classroom. She’s written 5 books about caregiving, special needs parenting, and childhood PTSD. She recently co-authored a book with Dr. Gary Chapman about how parents of kids with special needs can use the 5 love languages in their families. Jolene speaks at conferences around the country and internationally, facilitates classes about childhood trauma for educators, and trains special needs ministry leaders and volunteers. She blogs at www.DifferentDream.com. She and her husband live in Iowa.