Stages of Parent Burnout

So did you take a break last week and ask yourself if you recognize the signs of burnout in your life? Some of you just thought, “I didn’t need to pause to know I’m burnt out.” Others of you are thinking, “I’m good. In fact, I think I will make cupcakes for our therapists when I can get out of the house.”

Did you know that you don’t just wake up suddenly not wanting to be a parent or not wanting to get out of bed. Burnout happens gradually.

How many of the following points resonate with you?

• Having a child with physical or mental health challenges

• Perfectionism: feeling you need to be the “perfect” parent at all times

• Lack of support from spouse

• Both parents working outside the home

• Financial concerns

• Not enough support from outside the family (childcare, extended family, etc.)

• Finding it hard to ask for help

• Over-scheduled kids

Many of us can look at that list and can easily circle between a third to half of the points and even come up with additional points. As the stressors increase, we become more at risk for burnout. This burnout can range from mild to severe.

In her podcast episode on Parental Burnout, Krista Maltais describes the severity of burnout as follows.

Mild Burnout: Mild burnout can start with some situation that is outside your normal that causes extra stress. This can be something as basic as caring for a child or spouse that is temporarily sick. These symptoms may include, short temper and/or limited tolerance, foggy-brain, heightened sensitivity to their emotions and environment, and is usually accompanied by disruptions in sleep patterns.

Moderate Burnout: A parent who is experiencing moderate burnout, perhaps due to prolonged sleep deprivation or other stressors (such as finances, lack of childcare, limited opportunities for self care, etc) may begin to experience additional physical symptoms such as headaches, confusion, forgetfulness, upset stomach, anxiety/depression, feelings of isolation and/or overwhelm. As burnout sets in, communication with others also tends to break down which can lead to an increase in conflict, misunderstandings, etc, especially with the partner.

Severe Burnout: A parent with severe burn out due to long-term exhaustion, stress, lack of physical/emotional/logistical support, and/or physical/mental health complications, may exhibit the above-mentioned signs as well as hormonal imbalance which can further cause a loss of sex-drive, insomnia or dis-regulated sleep patterns, and additional health problems. Burnout symptoms may also present as obsessive compulsive tendencies or a multitude of uncompleted/avoided tasks due to overwhelm.

The first step in overcoming burnout and preventing burnout is the same. You have to recognize the stressors in your life. 

Next week we will look at steps to preventing and overcoming burnout. In the meantime, if you haven’t done it yet, download our free “5 Minute Vacations” guide and check out our friends at Run Hard Rest Well. That will get you started in the right direction.

If you find yourself in this severe state of burnout and are having suicidal thoughts, please seek immediate professional help. The number for the suicide hotline is: 1-800-273-8255.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” ~John 16:33 (NIV)

Written by Jonathan McGuire

Jonathan McGuire  is  the father of two sons and the co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that comes alongside the parents of children impacted by disability on a spiritual and emotional level. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here.

 

Hope Anew has launched the Hope Anew Online Community and would love to have you be a part of it! You can learn more at www.HopeAnew.com.  Due to COVID-19, Hope Anew is waiving all membership fees for the community!

Beauty In The Ordinary

It never ceases to amaze me just how tiring and intense our family life can be, especially if I’m honest when school term is over and everyone has time off. All around us friends and family are heading off excitedly on holidays together – and we also head off, but perhaps with a more complex set of emotions than simple excitement.

Out of routine children in unfamiliar places can be a challenge! Just thinking about the extra energy needed to get us there, and survive the experience makes me tired in itself! You know how it is.

We have just had to be spontaneous (I know, not one of our family strengths) and come home earlier than planned because a weather front plus camping at a Christian festival might not have been the most sensible plan. Its upset all the known plans, and caused anxiety all round but before we left I was sitting in a seminar surrounded by other carers and parents who find hope in Jesus like me, and I was reminded by one who commented that her way of self-care in the midst of caring for others was to notice the beauty in the ordinary.

It struck me, and I have brought that thought home with me. If the weather behaves for us I will pack that thought and take it with us to our next week of camping with my sister and her kids by the coast.

Seeing the beauty in the ordinary, such a simple thing.

And as I think about it, such a transforming thing.

Simply taking time to notice beauty; in an unexpected smile; a flower growing through the pavement cracks; the pattern of the sun bouncing and dancing off the sequins of my daughters T-shirt in the car. There is beauty everywhere we turn, when we notice. But how easy to miss it when we are feeling tired and overwhelmed. Somehow we find ourselves using our energy to anticipate the negatives and the problems round every corner, and forgetting to note the beauty in each other and the world around us.

I am reminded of Jesus’ words to a crowd of worried parents,

“Will all your worries add a single moment to your life? For example why worry about clothes? Look how the wild flowers grow. They don’t work hard to make their clothes. But I tell you that Solomon with all his wealth wasn’t as well clothed as one of them. - have you ever seen colour and design quite like it?” (Matthew 6:27-29)

When we stop and notice beauty, pause just for a moment to take it in, we can’t help but see intricate detail and design, amazing extravagant colours and shapes. They remind me of a Creator who takes care in the details – all the small things, even the things so many of us walk past. He sees them, they make Him smile, they delight Him. He has knit beauty into His world at every turn and every hidden corner, nothing is too small for His attention and care.

I am reminded again that nothing in my life, or in my family is too small for His attention and care either.

He has knit beauty in and through us too. We make Him smile, we delight Him! There is nothing about us, even in our most awkward and ordinary moments that He walks past without noticing. He sees. He smiles.

So, today waking up unexpectedly at home and faced with piles of washing, suitcases everywhere hurriedly packed, the kitchen piled high with shopping done for camping that needs sorting and tidying – perhaps today is a good day to put this into practice! Where is the beauty in all of that? I need to take those moments just to notice and take it in. I need reminding that my God sees, and smiles. He sees the beauty in the ordinary- every time!

Written by Cathy Porter

Cathy Porter is  a disciple of Jesus, a mum, ordained and a vicar's wife (in the Church of England), a writer, a creative, a blogger.

Cathy and her husband, Andrew, have 3 children. Her two girls both a diagnosis of ASC. You can follow the ups and downs of family life & faith on her blog: www.clearlynurturing.wordpress.com.

It is Cathy’s heart to encourage families to share in the adventure of faith together, especially families beautifully shaped by ASC. She loves to write stories that make the reader think, ask questions about what we believe, and help the reader to discover what the Bible has to say about God and friendship with Him.

Healthy Rhythms Part 2: Relationships

I didn’t understand how much becoming a parent would change my relationships. And being a parent to a child with special needs impacts that even more greatly. I don’t even just mean earthly relationships but my connection with God too.

Before I had my daughter Emmaus I got up early most mornings to spend time with God. It is something I saw my parents do and something I strived to be faithful in doing. And then I had a baby, which lead to less sleep. And that didn’t end in a typical time frame. In fact, due to her diagnosis and her disease process my oldest daughter didn’t sleep through the night till she was four. FOUR.

 So as you can imagine getting up a minute

before ABSOLUTELY necessary was out.

But like I talked about in part one planning is important even in the unpredictability of having a child with special needs.  I had to adjust to my new reality and my time spent with God had to adjust as well. I am thankful to live in the age of podcasts. I made it a priority to listen to biblically sound podcasts, or sermon podcasts. Things that pushed me forward in my relationship with God but that I could do while driving in the car or while on the go.

But, I had to PLAN to use my spare moments. The key is intentionality.  

Another relationship that changed greatly is the one with my husband. We do not have a typical family so our relationship doesn’t function like a lot of marriages. It is easy to let the relationship get away from us. We have had to become intentional about investing in it.  

We aim to schedule some kind of “date” EVERY WEEK. Now that might mean we put the kids to bed and play a board game. If we can get out of the house we try to but it just isn’t always possible.  For a while we had a sitter and went to breakfast together each week. 

Yearly, we try to get away together just the two of us. It is hard, and a bit scary to hand over the reigns of our crazy lives and step out to focus on each other, but we come back rested and reconnected. It doesn’t have to be long, or pricey, but it has been invaluable to us.  

Whether you are just starting your special needs journey or you are just needing to breathe life into it, try to remember that relationships will change. Remember to allow space and grace for that change to take place.  Be encouraged that there are ways to still engage even if it looks much different than before.

Written by Laurisa Ballew

Laurisa Ballew is a nurse by trade and mother to a special needs child by fate. She fiercely believes hope and grief walk hand in hand in life, and that storytelling is the universal language that connects us all.  Laurisa has three daughters and writes about the constant humility of parenting in her blog Raising A Sisterhood.