Embracing God’s Love for Special Needs Parents
A few years ago, I was having an exceptionally hard day and I felt myself getting angry at God. “Why God? Why is everything so hard? Where are you? You’re supposed to be a good God and I don’t see you doing any good in this situation.” Written by Jenn Soehnlin
This special needs parenting journey is challenging. Sometimes it feels like we’re drowning in appointments and anxiety, and other times it all seems manageable, but either way, something will happen to throw a monkey-wrench in everything. Something hard, as if we weren’t experiencing enough hard as it is. A rough day. Another diagnosis. A financial hardship. A sickness or hospitalization. Or our current situation of the spread of coronavirus and our social distancing and losing the village that we relied on--our churches, schools, children’s therapists and specialists, etc. It is easy in times like that to feel overwhelmed and to ask God a plethora of questions.
A few years ago, I was having an exceptionally hard day and I felt myself getting angry at God. “Why God? Why is everything so hard? Where are you? You’re supposed to be a good God and I don’t see you doing any good in this situation.”
I raged silently at a God who felt just as silent.
I knew I desperately needed some time to be alone with God, but my boys needed dinner and attention. And then, bedtime rolled around.
After my older son, about four or five years old at the time, was all snuggled in bed and we had read his book before bed, we prayed together. Sometimes I did the praying, sometimes we did prayers fill in the blank style as he could only say one or two-word phrases. I would say “thank you God for ____” and then he’d respond with something he was grateful for. Usually it was Mama or Dada or Baby (his little brother) or Birds (what he called his ipad because he loved to play Angry Birds on it) and so I decided to go with the fill-in-the-blank style prayer.
Me: “Thank you God for ____.”
“Eesus!” he said with a grin.
I choked back tears as I told him, “Yes, thank you God for Jesus.” I’ve never had any indication that he understood anything relating to God, Jesus or Bible stories, except for identifying “baby Eesus” at Christmas time. I’ve never prayed before using the words “Thank you God for Jesus.” It was his own spontaneous thought and it filled my heart with hope and joy.
We finished our prayers and I kissed that precious little guy goodnight and as I left his room it hit me: God had answered my angry prayers through the mouth of a child who would need years of speech therapy to be able to talk like his peers. I had demanded God tell me where He was and why it felt like He wasn’t caring for us. And He gently reminded me that He loved me and my children so much, He gave us Jesus.
“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16 NIV
Oh, how amazing, how incredible is that?
The more I thought about God giving us Jesus, I realized that the Creator of our universe can relate to our special needs parenting journey in three unique ways that can encourage us:
God treasured His child, even before His child did a single thing.
“After his baptism, Jesus came up out of the water and the heavens were opened and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and settling on him. And a voice from heaven said, This is my dearly loved Son, who brings me great joy.” (Matthew 3:16-17 NLT).
Jesus hadn’t yet done a single miracle or shared a parable and yet God was proud of Him. He called Jesus His beloved Son. He found great joy in Him.
And as parents, we do the same thing. We love them the moment we first meet them, and even though they need us to do everything for them, even though they cannot do a single thing for us in return, we love them. No matter how much care they need in their lifetime, we will still love and treasure and advocate for our child. They don’t have to do anything to earn our love, we just love them with all of our beings and are willing to do anything to help and protect our children.
God watched His child be rejected, struggle, and suffer.
God knows what it’s like to see your child suffer and struggle. He watched people not understand His son, watched them mock and test His son. He witnessed His child get beaten and whipped, carry a heavy wooden cross, and then have nails hammered through His wrists and ankles pinning Him to that cross. His son suffered for hours, and I’m sure God longed to take His son off of that cross, to hold Him tight in His arms, and take His son far away from the cross. Oh, yes thank you God for Jesus!
He knows how much we love our children, and the greatest thing of all is that He loves our children even more than we do.
He joins in our heartbreak when we watch our children experience pain or go through medical procedures. He grieves with us when we watch our children struggle to do things that come so effortlessly to other children. He understands our longing to change the circumstances for our children. He understands our pain when we see our children not be understood by others or mocked and excluded by others.
God had a greater plan, and it was for our good.
But God had a plan. He knew there was a glorious purpose in His dearly beloved son’s struggles and suffering. I’m sure that didn’t make the pain and helplessness go away as His child hung on a cross. His love for His son was as fierce as ever, but His love for you and me and for our children and all of humanity was steadfast and unwavering. Yes, thank you God for Jesus!
Sometimes we have a plan for our children they cannot see. They cannot see the purpose in a medical test or a procedure or the therapies they go to, but we know the purpose for it. They don’t always see us advocating for them with schools and insurance companies and our churches, but we advocate because we have a plan and goals in mind to help our children be included and get the supports and services they need.
We may not see all the details of God’s plan and purpose on this side of eternity. We will see glimpses of it here and there, but it is in trusting that God has a plan that will help bring hope, purpose, and meaning to this special needs parenting journey.
“God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him.” 1 John 4:9 NLT
Yes, my son was definitely onto something. Thank you God for Jesus!
May we be able to grasp God’s unstoppable, never-ending love for each of us this Holy Week and always.
Bio: Jenn Soehnlin is a middle school English teacher and mother to two boys who are precious blessings and who both have special needs. She is the author of Embracing This Special Life: Learning to Flourish as a Mother of a Child with Special Needs.
Jenn enjoys blogging about faith, praying Scripture, and special needs parenting at www.embracing.life. You can join her Facebook group for special needs mothers Embracing This Special Life for online support, community, and encouragement.
6 Ways To Care For Your Spouse
When your life revolves around caring for your kids, especially children with additional needs, it is easy to see why marriage can take a backseat.
Written by Jenn Soehnlin
When your life revolves around caring for your kids, especially children with additional needs, it is easy to see why marriage can take a backseat. We’re in survival mode, and we know our spouses are able to take care of themselves. But that doesn’t mean they don’t need our love and support.
There’s a higher divorce rate between couples with children with special needs, and I can totally see why. Marriage is hard enough, but when you add the challenges and stresses of special needs parenting, there are bound to be extra bumps in the marriage.
BUT...you made a commitment to love, honor, and cherish your spouse. Here are six ways you can do that:
1. Have a heart to heart.
You and your spouse may have different ways of dealing with your child’s special needs. They are probably dealing with this journey different than you. But that doesn’t mean they don’t care about your child. It doesn’t mean they’re not experiencing their own grief and struggles. It doesn’t mean you both don’t have goals and dreams for your family to not just survive, but to thrive together.
Take time to listen to each other. Ask questions. Make plans together. Determine to travel this journey together. To fight together for your children, and to fight for each other.
2. Do one thing for your spouse that shows you were thinking of them.
We have a million things on our plate, thinking about doing something for our spouse may not be anywhere near our plate. But I encourage you to think about something you can intentionally do for your spouse that would mean a lot to them and show them you were thinking about them. If your spouse has asked you to do something and you’ve been procrastinating on it, choose to get it done to honor them. Or if they’ve briefly mentioned something they would like done or would like to do, make it happen.
If you don’t know what your spouse would like done, just ask, you may be surprised! I used to think my husband wanted the kitchen clean, laundry done, floor swept, dinners cooked, the whole shebang, and I felt like I was failing him because I couldn’t do it all. So one day I asked him what is the number one thing he wanted done around the house.
I was surprised when he said he just wanted the papers around the house to be organized, that the piles of paper stressed him out. With the kids’ school work and therapy evaluations and IEP papers and mail and bills, papers just pile up and I am oblivious to them. They don’t bother me so I don’t think to organize them that often, but now that I know it bothers him, I intentionally set aside time each week to sort through, file, organize, and recycle papers. He always notices when I do it and feels honored.
3. Take some time to do something fun together.
Yes, I know this one is easier said than done sometimes. Especially when it’s hard to get childcare. If you can get childcare or respite to go on a date, do it! Go somewhere fun, and enjoy yourself and your spouse’s company.
If you can’t get childcare, think of something creative you and your spouse can do at home. Sometimes my husband and I would have picnic dates after the kids went to bed. We’d eat a late dinner or a dessert on the living room floor on a blanket with candles and just talk. Or watch a movie. It wasn’t fancy, but it was special because we made it so and chose to just focus on us.
4. Gift something special for your spouse just because you love them.
You don’t have to wait for a special occasion to buy or gift something to your spouse that you know they would appreciate. It doesn’t even have to be something big. It could be a funny card that reminded you of them, or something they mentioned they would enjoy having, or you could make or buy their favorite dinner or dessert.
5. Let your spouse know what you love about them.
It can be easy to feel like we’re letting people down or we’re not doing enough until someone tells us otherwise, and then it makes our day and makes a stand a little taller. It only takes a minute to let your spouse know how much they mean to you, or how much you appreciate certain aspects or qualities about them. You could also send encouraging texts throughout the day, leave a love note somewhere they’d find it, get them a funny card they’ll appreciate and write a few things you admire about them.
My husband used to travel a lot for work, and I made a habit of writing him a little love note or getting him a card and stashing it somewhere in his suitcase or backpack. He never said anything about any of those notes, but I kept doing it anyway. One day, while we were packing up to move, I found a stack of these love notes and cards in his Bible he keeps in his nightstand. He had kept and treasured them all.
6. Hug, kiss, hold hands, all that mushy stuff.
When my husband would come home from work, a lot of times I’d be busy cooking dinner or doing something for the kids that I’d barely even acknowledge my husband’s arrival. One day I felt really convicted of that. I wanted our home to be a place he wanted to come home to, where he felt loved and wanted and so I determined from then on that when he came home I’d stop what I was doing and give him a quick hug or kiss and let him know I was glad to see him.
Hugging, kissing, shoulder rubs, cuddling, holding hands--whatever your spouse’s favorite form of physical touch is, make sure you’re incorporating it. Sprinkled in throughout the day, they are encouraging reminders that your spouse loves you and wants to be with you.
You may or may not have noticed that all these suggestions cover each of the five love languages. If you know your spouse’s love language, make sure you are speaking their language most often! But regardless of what love language you or your spouse have, incorporating all of them will do wonders for your marriage, and for your spouse. If you want to learn more I encourage you to check out Jolene Philo and Dr. Gary Chapman’s book Sharing Love Abundantly in Special Needs Families: The Five Love Languages for Parents of Children with Disabilities.
You can also check out our latest podcast episode, where we discuss embracing our spouses and this special needs parenting journey.
Nurturing our marriage and our spouse is not only good for “the one our heart loves” (Song of Solomon 3:4), but it is also healthy for our own emotional well-being, and for our children to see that their parents love each other.
Written by Jenn Soehnlin
