Special Needs Mom, How Are You Doing this Mother’s Day?

Special needs mom, how are you doing this Mother’s Day?

Has anyone ask you that question before? Has anyone acknowledged that your feelings may not match what cards and commercials make them out to be? Have you had the courage to acknowledge, even to yourself, the swirl of emotions that surround you as the second Sunday in May approaches?

Joy.

Loss.

Love.

Grief.

Wonder.

Fear.

Gratitude.

Guilt. 

I felt all those emotions as Mother’s Day and our son’s first birthday arrived within weeks of one another in 1983. I was a wreck that May––exhausted, worried, depleted, and unable to think straight. Though our son is now an independent adult, those early emotions tend to resurface each May. As our son got older, I became wiser about how to acknowledge my feelings and celebrate being a mom without letting difficult emotions rule the day. I hope these 5 lessons help you do the same.

Lesson #1: Enjoy your Child

Your child is a wonder, perhaps not the wonder you expected, but wonderful all the same. Take a moment to enjoy who your child is––or who she was if she’s no longer physically present. What about her makes you laugh? How does she surprise you? Why is your world better because of her? What has she taught you about love? Let your answers increase your joy in the wonderful aspects of her life and lighten your heart.

Lesson #2: Make Room for Grief

The joy your child brings is real and so is your grief. This Mother’s Day weekend make room to acknowledge this emotion for what it is––the loss of many dreams. Dreams of what parenting would be like. Dreams of how your child’s development would progress. Dreams of celebrating milestones. Write your thoughts down. Tell God how much your heart hurts. Admit how hard your grief is to bear. God knows a thing or two about loss and heartache. Let him hold you as you grieve.

Lesson #3: Put on your Mama Bear

Not the kind of mama bear who destroys everything in her path to protect her child, but the kind who uses her strength to advocate for her child, her family, and herself. This can involve big things like advocating with doctors, therapists, schools, and churches regarding resources and accessibility needs. It can also mean being the mama bear who lets other people in by introducing herself and her child to other moms and kids at the park. By joining an online or in person support group for parents of kids with disabilities. By taking advantage of a neighbor’s offer to come over with coffee and cookies to get to know her and her child. 

Lesson #4: Anticipate Adventures to Come

Thinking about the future was tough when my husband and I were busy keeping our son safe and alive. I wish I could go back to Mother’s Day 1983 and assure the woman I was then that the future held both struggles and adventures. I would want her to know that the adventures yet to come were rooted in the hard stuff our family was experiencing then. The same is true for you and your family. Since anticipation is part and parcel of future adventures, start dreaming about what’s yet to come now!

Lesson #5: Trust the God Who Is Both Parent and Child

You may not understand why God allowed your child’s disability and your parenting journey. God, however, fully understands why Mother’s Day is a mixture of joy and grief for you. He has been where you are. Cling to that truth even as you doubt his kindness and are angry with his ways. Cling to this promise that held me fast when I couldn’t hold onto him. I am praying it for you this Mother’s Day.

He who did not spare his own Son, but delivered him for us all, 

how will he not also graciously give us all things?

Romans 8:32 (NAS)

Written by Jolene Philo

Jolene Philo is the author of several books for the caregiving community. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. She’s also the creator and host of the Different Dream website. Sharing Love Abundantly With Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities, which she co-authored with Dr. Gary Chapman, was released in August of 2019 and is available at local bookstores, their bookstore website, and Amazon. See Jane Dance!, the third book in the West River cozy mystery series, which features characters affected by disability, was released in October of 2023. The audio version of Book 1, See Jane Run! See Jane Run!, was released in November of 2023.

Dear Mom Of The Child Who Will Never Say, "I Love You",

I have often heard it said that being a mom is a thankless job. With all that moms do, I tend to agree that they are often not shown the appreciation that they deserve. More than 60 countries around the world have set aside a day to celebrate mothers. In the United States, tomorrow is Mother’s Day!

In homes around the country, moms are being treated to gourmet breakfasts in bed. This often consists of their child’s favorite foods ranging from the always delicious chocolate covered cereal to toast and ketchup, which tends to be more of an acquired taste. They are being presented with beautiful dandelion bouquets and sweet cards saying, “I love you.” 

Dear Mom of the child who will never say, “I love you”,

Today I want to talk with you.

On this Mother’s Day your child will not whisper, “I love you” and you would love it if they brought you a breakfast of chocolate covered cereal.

Instead, your day will look very similar to yesterday. You may be in survival mode. Your child may be in meltdowns after trying to attend that special Mother’s Day service at church. Instead of smelling flowers, you may be smelling dirty diapers as you clean your teenager.  

Know this, while your child cannot say it in so many words and they may not know the joy a hug brings to you, they do love you. 

It has been said that, “Actions speak louder than words.”  

In our recent podcast, we interviewed Jason and Sara Hague. Sara shared that a pivotal moment for her was realizing that she needed to treat everything her child did as communication.

Are there behaviors that only you see? Do you have days when your child appears to do great socially but collapses in tears when they get home? Are there times when your child clings to you after the smallest change to their routine? Maybe there are times you are craving a break but your child will not allow anyone else to take care of them except you.

Through their actions your child is communicating that they trust you like they trust no one else. When their world “falls apart” and change happens, they cling to you because you make them feel safe.

If actions speak louder than words, then please know that in their own way your child is shouting, “I love you!” on this Mother’s Day.

Written by Jonathan McGuire

Jonathan McGuire  is  the father of two sons and the co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that comes alongside the parents of children impacted by disability on a spiritual and emotional level. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here.