When The Rug Gets Yanked Out From Under Your Life
The last year and a half has been a doozy for me, and I’d guess it has been for many of us for different reasons. I mean, 2020-2021, seriously? Over this year and a half my personal inner-life journey has taken me on quite a ride and while circumstances have offered up different challenges that haven’t resolved yet, my personal journey has been life-giving…
Written by Sarah McGuire
The last year and a half has been a doozy for me, and I’d guess it has been for many of us for different reasons. I mean, 2020-2021, seriously? Over this year and a half my personal inner-life journey has taken me on quite a ride and while circumstances have offered up different challenges that haven’t resolved yet, my personal journey has been life-giving.
How does that happen? How can we not have circumstances align with what we want or need, yet have our heart, mind, & soul thrive anyway?
I’ll give a caveat that my most basic physical needs were met. I had a roof over my head, heat, food, water, sleep, and my immediate family with me whom I love dearly and who love me. The rest of life, including a house, friends, church, church family, homeschool group, and a significant chunk of our income, well, those were stripped away and my health was already greatly diminished, so that’s where I was a year and a half ago.
How do we move forward when the rug gets yanked out from under us and our life, as it has been, as we liked, as we dreamed of and worked to build, suddenly crumbles? For some of us that day is when our child gets a diagnosis that we know will change our lives forever. For some, a job loss. For some, a support system we depend on suddenly isn’t dependable or even available. What then?
Finding a private place to melt into a pile on the floor and cry it out with a bag of Lindt chocolates (my personal favorite – the chocolate, not the melting into a sobbing mess) close at hand may come first. Screaming to God about it might happen too. Grief – however that looks for you – is important. Acknowledging the pain (in a healthy way – not hurling anger on everyone around us) is critical! If we bury it, it will fester and cause other problems.
After scraping myself off the floor and expressing my feelings and thoughts to God repeatedly, this is what I did. I made a conscious choice that when I stepped out of my beloved house and into my new (not what I would have chosen) residence, I would NOT complain. Complaints would not cross my lips. I could still acknowledge & grieve the sadness of the losses, but I would not complain about the present.
It took several months, but the resolution to not complain morphed into intentionally looking for things to be thankful for – every day. And when challenges arose, to look for what I could be thankful for in the situation. I didn’t deny that it wasn’t ideal or that it wasn’t hard or unwanted, but I’d look for the good in it.
Instead of griping about the hot water running out 6 minutes into my shower, I could be thankful for the hot water I did have and get my hair cut shorter so I could take quicker showers. Guess what, I got lots of compliments on my shorter hair. It suits me better!
Instead of complaining about things breaking, falling off, or getting damaged on our new home (an RV), I could focus on being thankful for a resourceful, capable, problem-solving husband and it became part of the adventure.
One of the latest examples, I was commenting to a friend how I felt bad for my kids and how they weren’t getting to experience a typical (even typical for homeschool) high school experience with friends close by, sports, group activities, etc. during these critical years. She graciously called my attention to all they are getting to experience. A few hours later as I reflected on the conversation, I realized an unfavorable trait (that isn’t the kind that can be overcome with teaching or training) that had characterized one of my sons a good part of his life had completely disappeared over the previous year. Oh my, I’d been focused on what my husband and I weren’t able to provide for them and what I thought was lacking and instead there was so, so much he had gained that was worth invaluably more!
I have a long way to go in overcoming my negative thinking and making thankfulness my default, but one day at a time, I get closer to that goal!
How about you, have you ever taken a period of time to intentionally focus on annihilating complaining and to be purposefully thankful? How did it go? What happened?
Written by Sarah McGuire
SARAH MCGUIRE IS THE MOM OF TWO BOYS AND CO-FOUNDER OF HOPE ANEW, A NONPROFIT THAT GUIDES PARENTS TO CHRIST-CENTERED HOPE AND HEALING. YOU CAN FOLLOW HOPE ANEW ON FACEBOOK HERE.
Which Christian Parenting Resources are MOST helpful?
In the last blog post, You’re Grounded!!! I alluded to how the first few years of Jonathan and my parenting journey and how we were doing discipline was NOT working. We were following the best of the parenting classes from Bible school and church and books recommended to us and getting a kid who became angrier and angrier. We knew something HAD to change…and it was us and how we were parenting, not our kid…
Written by Sarah McGuire
In the last blog post, You’re Grounded!!! I alluded to how the first few years of Jonathan and my parenting journey and how we were doing discipline was NOT working. We were following the best of the parenting classes from Bible school and church and books recommended to us and getting a kid who became angrier and angrier. We knew something HAD to change…and it was us and how we were parenting, not our kid.
Today, I share with you:
1. Resources we have read and tried
2. Resources that dramatically changed our and our kids’ lives for the better
Disclaimer: our kids are currently teenagers. We are in the midst of this parenting journey. We are learning too. Currently, our teenagers are delightful. They are a joy and pleasure to be around (most of the time!). We do not fit the stereotypical picture of regular teenage/parent conflict. I’m loving this age and stage and hope this type of relationship continues. However, we don’t know how our kids will do in adulthood or what choices they’ll make once there or at any point on their way there. We pray for wisdom as we continue on this journey.
The following resources are loosely listed from least helpful to most helpful for our family. We’ve read and studied more, but these are the ones that came to mind.
Resources we read, studied, &/or applied early in our parenting journey that we may have gleaned some from, but didn’t get us where we wanted to be in our parenting:
1. Don’t Make Me Count to Three by Ginger Hubbard
2. Growing Kids God’s Way
3. Dr. James Dobson’s books
4. Child Training Tips by Reb Bradley
5. Love & Logic by Jim Fay & Charles Fay
6. Give Them Grace by Elyse Fitzpatrick
7. Shepherding A Child’s Heart (the anger management/training/maturity ladder was helpful) by Ted Tripp
Resource that we think are excellent, the last 2 have heavily influenced our parenting:
1. Parenting by Paul David Tripp
2. How to REALLY love Your Child by Ross Campbell
3. Sally Clarkson’s books (there’s more I need to read!!!) & podcast
4. Sharing Love Abundantly In Special Needs Families by Gary Chapman & Jolene Philo
THE #1 most helpful and robust parenting tool we have found:
As a side note, you can listen to our podcast interview with Jim and Lynne here. What resources have been helpful to you in your parenting journey?
Written by Sarah McGuire
Sarah McGuire is the Mom of two boys and co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that guides parents to Christ-centered hope and healing. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here. You can also check out Hope Anew’s Online Community here!
Due to COVID-19, Hope Anew is waiving all membership fees for the community!
Hope Anew is an Amazon Affiliate and as such earns income from the affiliate links listed above.
You Can Worship How You Want
Our family enjoyed a wonderful summer of camping in our new Airstream trailer this summer. I have written about our experiences learning how to use and set up the trailer in other blogs, but I have not really touched on our times while at the various campgrounds. Written by John Felageller
“Praise him with trumpet sound; praise him with lute and harp! Praise him with tambourine and dance; praise him with strings and pipe! Praise him with sounding cymbals; praise him with loud clashing cymbals! (Psalm 150:3, ESV).
Our family enjoyed a wonderful summer of camping in our new Airstream trailer this summer. I have written about our experiences learning how to use and set up the trailer in other blogs, but I have not really touched on our times while at the various campgrounds. For the most part, all of the locations were quite nice and the various travelers were quite lovely people.
But having an autistic child is always a challenge when visiting new, unfamiliar locations, and being around folks who may not have an awareness of those with special needs. We really did not have any issues with kids or adults asking any questions, but that changed on our very last trip of the year.
We traveled to a small private campground a couple of hours from our home, and we arrived late on a Saturday so just had enough time to get set up and go straight to bed while under the cover of darkness. The next day we awoke and my son was his usual excited self, and my wife, wanting to give me time to shower and dress, decided to take my son on an early morning walk. As she walked through the campsites and came up to the common buildings at the front, she began to hear the beautiful sound of worship music, and decided to follow it to the source. She came upon the activity center where a Sunday church service was being held, complete with a pastor and a worship leader on piano, and rows of folding chairs. My wife decided this would be a welcome stop for them so she decided to sit for a little and enjoy some time in the Spirit.
As usual, my son loved the worship part, being engaged with the group and though being non-verbal, still made a joyful noise with his squeals and utterances. However, once the worship part ended, he began to get disregulated and as is normally the case, he began to get extremely sensory seeking, and proceeded to bang on and knock over the folding chairs. Startled and shaken, my wife reacted the way that we always do, she took my son and immediately left the space, apologizing her way through the crowd and out the door, and headed for home.
When she got home she shared her experience there and how bad she felt with our son having a small meltdown, but she also expressed how polite and respectful people were, asking her if she was ok or needed any help. She told them she was fine and thanked them, not being used to such concern from folks in public places, even at our own church services. I was grateful people were understanding, but still used to many of those interactions or comments from people, even when seemingly genuine, to just be things people say to get through the moment, and not truly intentional. But we were shocked when about less than an hour later, a small delegation of three people from the service, who also were long time campers there, came to visit our trailer. My wife must have mentioned that we were the family in the Airstream, since ours is still a fairly unique sight among other trailer styles.
The two men and a woman came in and immediately my son came to happily greet them, and they were just as glad to see him, and shared how they were just checking on us to see how we were doing. They kept speaking out their faith to us by letting us know that whatever happened was no big deal, that we were welcome there and that we would always be welcomed no matter. We thanked them for their kindness in checking in on us, and how much it meant to us that people would go out of their to make sure we were included, and suddenly our small living space was bursting with the Holy Spirit.
That morning, we just didn’t escape a challenging situation in a public place, we were actually touched by the Body of Christ in a special and unique way, and the campground just earned visitors for life.
Written by John Felageller
John lives in Northbrook, IL with his wife Elizabeth and his son Christopher (ASD), and is currently a Social Programs Manager at Total Link 2 Community in Chicago, IL. He is a regular contributor to Key Ministry’s Special Needs Family blog, and is both a live presenter and on Key Ministry’s Facebook page. He coordinates a Special Needs Dads meet-up in his community and works with several other local Special Needs organizations that serve both parents and children.
Connect with John on Facebook here.
Four Ways To Cope When You Are In Survival Mode
How do we think about the future when we are living in so much chaos? Do you ever feel like you are living from one moment to the next, just taking one more breath and trying to put one foot in front of the other?
Written by Jonathan McGuire
How do we think about the future when we are living in so much chaos? Do you ever feel like you are living from one moment to the next, just taking one more breath and trying to put one foot in front of the other? Sarah and I have been in that place of just being in survival mode. Many parents that we talk to also find themselves there, in that place of just trying to make it through the next second and where making it through dinner qualifies as a long range goal.
There was an eight day study done on mothers of adolescents and adults with autism. At the end of the study, it was found that their stress levels were comparable to combat soldiers! Some of you just breathed a sigh of relief when you read that. I know this study personally resonated with me. It was a relief to know that I am not weak and I so identified with the picture of a combat vet in a war zone.
Common symptoms of combat stress that soldiers experience are:
Hyper-startle (An exaggerated response when something surprises you)
Hyper-vigilance (Being always on guard or super-alert)
Trouble with focus and/or memory
Flashbacks (re-experiencing stressful events)
Hallucinations (seeing, hearing or feeling things that aren’t real)
Nightmares and trouble sleeping
Depression and apathy
Guilt and shame
Withdrawing or avoiding others
Irritability and angry outbursts
Headaches and exhaustion
Extreme anxiety (excessive fear and worry)
Do any of these sound familiar? If so, how many? Maybe some of these things have become so ingrained in you that you have just taken it for granted that that is who you are.
Hyper-vigilance became a way of life for us, beyond just being a helicopter parent. Back to that image of being a combat vet, Sarah often described our marriage after our journey in disability began as the two of us being in a “fox hole” together as we were constantly on alert and fighting for our family.
In an article in Navy Medicine Live, it was shared that if not addressed, these symptoms can morph into something else, like PTSD or substance abuse.
So what do we do when we struggle with one or more of the above symptoms?
First, implement a self-care plan.
Yes, I know you already know this but have you done it? Stress negatively effects every one of our body systems and leads to ongoing health issues. In this video, I share 5 things anyone can do as they implement their own self-care plan. You can also send me your email address and I would be happy to send you a free e-booklet I wrote with the same information.
Second, as much as possible, implement a routine.
On average, adults are making 35,000 decisions a day. By eliminating some of those decisions through having a routine, you will be better equipped to handle the big decisions and the “surprises” that frequently arise. What are some decisions you can streamline?
President Obama was a fan of this. He once shared, “You’ll see I wear only gray or blue suits. I’m trying to pare down decisions. I don’t want to make decisions about what I’m eating or wearing. Because I have too many other decisions to make.”
Third, find a community or select group of friends who “get it”.
Commander Carrie Kennedy a neuropsychologist and aerospace experimental psychologist shared that the real key to effective management of combat stress and long term adjustment was that veterans have to be in regular contact with other veterans. Veterans need to be able to talk over difficult experiences with members of the same unit.
If you are unable to find that group who “gets it”, Hope Anew wants to help. We are in the process of building an online community that will launch later this year. This community will be a “laugh together, cry together, pray together” community. It will provide you with those connections who you can be real with and who will get it. If this something that interest you, again message me and we will be sure to let you know when it is launched.
Finally, as believers we have an eternal hope.
We have a Savior who loves us and we know there will eventually be a day where there is no more crying, no more pain and no more sorrow. As we long for that day, it helps to look for things daily that will instill hope and bring glimpses of joy.
You won’t be able to dream and plan for the future until you can manage the stressors of today. If you feel like you are just in survival mode, what is one thing from above that you can do today that will help with your stress levels?
If the above symptoms persist, become worse or you begin to have self-destructive behavior or suicidal thoughts, please reach out to a professional immediately for help.
