Focus On The Good

There is simply an overwhelming number of things that I can genuinely find myself concerned about at the moment. What hasn’t been turned on its head, what hasn’t been pushed to the limit?! My head is spinning just trying to keep up with the changes that have had to happen within our family home to make any learning happen over the last couple of months, and now the changes happening outside the home looking towards summer as lock down eases slowly but surely.

There are days when the concerns could drown everything good out. And it feels as if I run from one problem to quickly trouble shoot the next. Juggling constantly just to keep everything and everyone going as we all struggle to adjust to new ways of having to work, not being able to meet people the way we’re used to, and not having the usual supports and routines to lean on. In the midst of it all, I’ve been asked to take up a paid job – part time thank goodness – and a huge privilege to be offered. I’ll be working in our local high school as their chaplain. One of the things I get involved in as you can imagine is delivering reflections and collective worship opportunities – all virtually at the moment of course. This week I’m putting together (in between everything else on my plate) some thoughts about resilience and staying positive.

I’m looking at a little verse from the Bible, in a little letter called Philippians. After reminding us to take our worries to God in prayer it says this:

‘..whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things’.

Sound advice – written well before mindfulness and CBT became ‘a thing’ here it is – a little note from God simply reminding us how good it is for us to put our focus on the good stuff. Let’s face it, we never need reminding to focus in on the negative! How I need reminding to look for the good in the everyday.

Moving into summer, I want to find some time to document the good we’ve shared during this surreal and unexpected few months. I’ve taken photos of all our new experiences, of us doing our work in new and strange places in the house – of the tent where our youngest has done her school work (when willing), and of all the moments of unexpected laughter and fun. I need to remind myself that there has been good, and beautiful alongside the tough and relentless.

I wonder if we might all jot down our best memories of the month, or draw how we’ve felt when we’ve had a fun day at home together so that, together with the photos, we can put together a family scrapbook of our experience of lock down – reminding ourselves to focus on all that is good in the midst of what has been, for many of us, a really hard time!

Written by Cathy Porter

Cathy and her husband, Andrew, have 3 children. Her two girls both a diagnosis of ASC. You can follow the ups and downs of family life & faith on her blog: www.clearlynurturing.wordpress.com.

It is Cathy’s heart to encourage families to share in the adventure of faith together, especially families beautifully shaped by ASC. She loves to write stories that make the reader think, ask questions about what we believe, and help the reader to discover what the Bible has to say about God and friendship with him. 

5 Simple Activities To Talk About Big Feelings

Covid-19 has stirred up some big feelings. What is happening in our own communities and around the world is so very unexpected and unusual it is difficult to work through the emotions that have come along with all this change. Talking about feelings, naming them and acknowledging them together can be incredibly helpful at times like this. But where can we begin?

Knowing where something hurts, or what emotion is being felt doesn’t come instinctively to some members of my family and I find myself reaching for creative ways to get the conversation going to help me to support my children through this time where I’m sure they’re wrestling with huge emotions – fear, disappointments, worry, uncertainty in all the changes, helplessness, out of control. Talking together gives a chance to bring myself alongside and support more closely, and for us helps us to pray more specifically having talked about how we’re doing.

Here are 5 simple activities to help us talk about big feelings:

1. Out of control get a large piece of card or paper and draw a big circle in the middle. Using old magazines to tear out words and pictures, and pens to draw and write fill the circle with things you can control and outside the circle with things out of our control. Picking one of the things in our control that we could act on can even bring some relief to the big feelings.

2. Body mapping – make gingerbread cookies talking about what each part of your child’s body might be feeling like right now. While they’re cooking maybe draw round the cookie cutter and mark the parts of the body that feel different (like butterfly tummy, or aching head) and be detectives together to work out what emotion might be making our body feel that way.

3. Playdough faces – use Playdough to make faces with different expressions. Make one for how you are feeling today.

4. Color– Get out some paint and paint those feelings – what kind of character are they, what do they look like, what color are they?

5. ·Charades– play emotion charades, taking turns to act out and guess emotions. Have a good laugh together and then chat about which one each of us have felt recently.

I hope these ideas are as useful to you as they have been to us. These are unsettling times for us and our children and anything that can help me to stay closely alongside, ready to help and support seems to be a worthwhile thing – I guess chatting with them about their big feelings is inside my circle of control!

Written by Cathy Porter

Cathy Porter is  a disciple of Jesus, a mum, ordained and a vicar's wife (in the Church of England), a writer, a creative, a blogger.

Cathy and her husband, Andrew, have 3 children. Her two girls both a diagnosis of ASC. You can follow the ups and downs of family life & faith on her blog: www.clearlynurturing.wordpress.com.

It is Cathy’s heart to encourage families to share in the adventure of faith together, especially families beautifully shaped by ASC. She loves to write stories that make the reader think, ask questions about what we believe, and help the reader to discover what the Bible has to say about God and friendship with him. 

Should We Do ‘Chores’?

For many years now we have not had ‘chore charts’ or lists in our house. I don’t know what your experience is like but we found that when our oldest two reached an age where ‘chores’ seemed appropriate we did the right thing, we made a list, had a reward system in place and sat back to watch as skills, confidence, independence and a sense of team blossomed! We were brought down to earth with a bump fairly quickly.

For us chore lists became battle grounds, and what seemed to blossom was resentment, feelings of failure and comparisons. ‘I did mine on time, she didn’t – how come she gets the reward too?’ ‘His were easier than mine, and he had less homework – it’s not fair!’ ‘But you always help them, you don’t help me!’…

We persevered for a bit but in the end we quit. Chore lists were certainly not promoting team effort, or a sense of interdependence. I’m not sure any new skills were gained by any of us. And the experience gave none of us more confidence – personally or in our parenting abilities!

But I find myself here again, should we do ‘chores’? Our youngest is now nearly 9 and because of our last attempt she has rarely ever seen a chore list stuck to the fridge – but there are definitely now skills that she has to offer to help family life run well.

She’s great at making a bed for example – if reminded, and in the mood. She can help unload the dishwasher, wipe clean a table, and feed the animals. So should we try again? Am I letting her down if we don’t – aren’t chores an important part of learning responsibility and seeing we’re all part of a team?

It’s a difficult one – I don’t want battles, or resentment – we have more than enough of both of those as it is. So is there another way to develop skills and a sense of team work in family life without that being the result? I was reading around and came across ‘family contributions’ as an alternative approach. Still based on doing age (and ability) appropriate jobs around the house but rather than chore then reward, the focus is more on recognizing (and hopefully growing) what each person in the family contributes.

I like the concept. It is less like a duty or a rule which suggests the need for visible fairness and more like an attitude in mutual gratitude. This may have something going for it. There feels already to be more room to value different abilities – it didn’t seem fair to have very obviously different types of chores being equated on a reward chart side by side. Maybe there is more to be learnt using this concept – not just a sense of responsibility to do a duty but also in each doing what we can do well and being noticed maybe we will learn to value each other’s abilities that bit more. That can only be a good thing.

One thing our family life is very good at is reminding me daily that none of us can do everything, but we are all good at some things. Our abilities and strengths need praising and encouraging in family life, especially in a world which often praises such a narrow selection of abilities and talents.

I am willing to give it a try, there are plenty of printable examples out there that I could adapt to match our particular family and our abilities, and I’ll introduce it very, very, gently. Small steps. And lots of celebration over the offered contributions of everyone, however different, however seemingly small, or how often they are offered!

Written by Cathy Porter

Cathy Porter is  a disciple of Jesus, a mum, ordained and a vicar's wife (in the Church of England), a writer, a creative, a blogger.

Cathy and her husband, Andrew, have 3 children. Her two girls both a diagnosis of ASC. You can follow the ups and downs of family life & faith on her blog: www.clearlynurturing.wordpress.com.

It is Cathy’s heart to encourage families to share in the adventure of faith together, especially families beautifully shaped by ASC. She loves to write stories that make the reader think, ask questions about what we believe, and help the reader to discover what the Bible has to say about God and friendship with him.

Beauty In The Ordinary

It never ceases to amaze me just how tiring and intense our family life can be, especially if I’m honest when school term is over and everyone has time off. All around us friends and family are heading off excitedly on holidays together – and we also head off, but perhaps with a more complex set of emotions than simple excitement.

Out of routine children in unfamiliar places can be a challenge! Just thinking about the extra energy needed to get us there, and survive the experience makes me tired in itself! You know how it is.

We have just had to be spontaneous (I know, not one of our family strengths) and come home earlier than planned because a weather front plus camping at a Christian festival might not have been the most sensible plan. Its upset all the known plans, and caused anxiety all round but before we left I was sitting in a seminar surrounded by other carers and parents who find hope in Jesus like me, and I was reminded by one who commented that her way of self-care in the midst of caring for others was to notice the beauty in the ordinary.

It struck me, and I have brought that thought home with me. If the weather behaves for us I will pack that thought and take it with us to our next week of camping with my sister and her kids by the coast.

Seeing the beauty in the ordinary, such a simple thing.

And as I think about it, such a transforming thing.

Simply taking time to notice beauty; in an unexpected smile; a flower growing through the pavement cracks; the pattern of the sun bouncing and dancing off the sequins of my daughters T-shirt in the car. There is beauty everywhere we turn, when we notice. But how easy to miss it when we are feeling tired and overwhelmed. Somehow we find ourselves using our energy to anticipate the negatives and the problems round every corner, and forgetting to note the beauty in each other and the world around us.

I am reminded of Jesus’ words to a crowd of worried parents,

“Will all your worries add a single moment to your life? For example why worry about clothes? Look how the wild flowers grow. They don’t work hard to make their clothes. But I tell you that Solomon with all his wealth wasn’t as well clothed as one of them. - have you ever seen colour and design quite like it?” (Matthew 6:27-29)

When we stop and notice beauty, pause just for a moment to take it in, we can’t help but see intricate detail and design, amazing extravagant colours and shapes. They remind me of a Creator who takes care in the details – all the small things, even the things so many of us walk past. He sees them, they make Him smile, they delight Him. He has knit beauty into His world at every turn and every hidden corner, nothing is too small for His attention and care.

I am reminded again that nothing in my life, or in my family is too small for His attention and care either.

He has knit beauty in and through us too. We make Him smile, we delight Him! There is nothing about us, even in our most awkward and ordinary moments that He walks past without noticing. He sees. He smiles.

So, today waking up unexpectedly at home and faced with piles of washing, suitcases everywhere hurriedly packed, the kitchen piled high with shopping done for camping that needs sorting and tidying – perhaps today is a good day to put this into practice! Where is the beauty in all of that? I need to take those moments just to notice and take it in. I need reminding that my God sees, and smiles. He sees the beauty in the ordinary- every time!

Written by Cathy Porter

Cathy Porter is  a disciple of Jesus, a mum, ordained and a vicar's wife (in the Church of England), a writer, a creative, a blogger.

Cathy and her husband, Andrew, have 3 children. Her two girls both a diagnosis of ASC. You can follow the ups and downs of family life & faith on her blog: www.clearlynurturing.wordpress.com.

It is Cathy’s heart to encourage families to share in the adventure of faith together, especially families beautifully shaped by ASC. She loves to write stories that make the reader think, ask questions about what we believe, and help the reader to discover what the Bible has to say about God and friendship with Him.

10 Easy To Setup Sensory Activities Part 2

Let’s be real. Sometimes those moments when the kids get home from school can be extra stressful. Having a plan and activities can provide structure and help relieve some of that stress. Cathy Porter shares with us 10 sensory activities that will help provide structure and help your child(ren) decompress after a day of school. If you missed the first 5, you can find them here. These 10 activities are quick to set up, low budget and easy for parents to implement!

6. Checking pens and pencils –this might sound a bit ridiculous but sometimes handing my girls a big handful of colored pens and some scrap paper and asking them to test the pens to see if any need throwing out works really well. It is repetitive, allows for satisfying sorting and some doodling or angry scribbling!

7. Coloring – This is a great go-to in our house. If no coloring book is on hand I grab any paper – or the back of an envelope, draw a tangled loose scribble and invite them to find and create a different pattern in each space that has been created. This can be done with just one pen if need be, they get inventive with dots, dashes, wavy lines…

8. Soft indoor ball – when you need to be quick and easy, and occupy more than one child on the edge at the same time indoor is often needed. A soft, sponge ball (kept with our shoes) can be thrown up the stairs and watched as it gently and methodically bounces back down. It’s not too loud, not too physically demanding and can be repeated over and over. It can also be thrown at a wall and caught over and over. Or can be rolled from person to person. This is very repetitive – and not my personal favorite, but works well some days.

9. Animals –we have pets in our family life, partly because our girls respond to animals so readily. They often bring instant visible calm. Bringing a willing pet to them for a cuddle when they need to regulate is worth all the day to day time it takes to care for them.

10. Marbles – over the years we have grown quite a collection. We keep a whole load in the living room on the bookshelf because they are such a useful sensory activity. They can be played with in water (plastic bowl), or on a tray (lovely sound if a wooden tray or dish), can be sorted into groups, are so tactile. They can be sent down cardboard tubes, or run down the middle of a large open book. They can be sat in amongst on the floor and can be simply fidget things for hands and feet.

What sensory activities does your family enjoy?

Written by Cathy Porter

Cathy Porter is  a disciple of Jesus, a mum, ordained and a vicar's wife (in the Church of England), a writer, a creative, a blogger.

Cathy and her husband, Andrew, have 3 children. Her two girls both a diagnosis of ASC. You can follow the ups and downs of family life & faith on her blog: www.clearlynurturing.wordpress.com.

It is Cathy’s heart to encourage families to share in the adventure of faith together, especially families beautifully shaped by ASC. She loves to write stories that make the reader think, ask questions about what we believe, and help the reader to discover what the Bible has to say about God and friendship with him. 

10 Easy To Setup Sensory Activities Part 1

In our house that bit of time just after coming back home from school is one of the real trigger points in the day. It’s a tired time of day for everyone, but my girls who have been masking non-stop all through the school day are simply beyond exhausted and in need of decompression and a chance to self-regulate.

I have found over the years that I need the quickest, easiest, least-stressful-for-me sensory activities on hand to provide us all with the best chance of navigating that hour straight after school. Once food has been offered and toilet break had, these are some of my favorites:

1. Cornstarch Gloop has the same appeal as slime. It is tactile, absorbing (if your child likes it) can be done in something as small as a cup – which then cannot be shared, which in this circumstance is useful. Simply mix cornstarch with a small amount of cold water and mix. Food coloring or a scent could be added but don’t need to be. Best enjoyed somewhere that can be wiped easily. Don’t dispose of it down the sink, leave to dry and then into the bin.

2. Sand - in the summer an outdoor sandpit with a cover is wonderful. But in cold or wet weather is not much use. Then I reach for a tray or roasting tin and pour rice or cous cous in which it can be played with, raked, pushed and poured. Toy animals or mini figures can be thrown in if on hand, but in a hurry I raid my kitchen utensils – measuring spoons, jugs, whisks.

3. Balancing – who can walk around the kitchen only walking on the lines between the tiles? Keep a string or a tape measure handy that can make a line on the hall floor to balance along. I have a fitness balance board kept under a chair in our living room that can be fetched out instantly.

4. Blankets – We have a selection of differently textured throws and blankets always on our chairs in the living room. They can be sat on, under. Wrapped around or cuddled. Some are furry, some smooth, some thick and heavy. Keeping them there all the time makes them familiar and quickly accessible.

5. Water – sometimes simply running a sink of water and grabbing some plastic cups and jugs is all that’s needed. In the summer having a water tray or table at the ready outside is great. Other times a cup or pot of water and a paint brush are an easier option – it can ‘paint’ on pavements, walls, driveways, garden chairs and skin (my youngest invariably paints her hands and feet and makes prints on the patio tiles).

To be continued…

Written by Cathy Porter

Cathy Porter is  a disciple of Jesus, a mum, ordained and a vicar's wife (in the Church of England), a writer, a creative, a blogger.

Cathy and her husband, Andrew, have 3 children. Her two girls both a diagnosis of ASC. You can follow the ups and downs of family life & faith on her blog: www.clearlynurturing.wordpress.com.

It is Cathy’s heart to encourage families to share in the adventure of faith together, especially families beautifully shaped by ASC. She loves to write stories that make the reader think, ask questions about what we believe, and help the reader to discover what the Bible has to say about God and friendship with him. 

Reframing My Goals For Celebrations

Whenever there is a special occasion or an achievement we love to celebrate together don’t we? Parties, nights out, large family gatherings. Cakes, candles and balloons. From cute 1st birthdays, through sweet 16, prom, exam results, new job, housewarming, weddings… it’s all mapped out like a lifetime dot-to-dot of celebrations.

Yet how hard it can be to join in with celebration occasions and get togethers when there are so many potential obstacles and triggers, too many impossibilities or improbabilities! When eating a meal is challenging, or when leaving the house is difficult, or chatting with people is too demanding. Or if a group of people is just too stimulating or noisy, or a health risk. Then celebrating the way that we think we’re expected to is just asking for a major set-back and upheaval, not the joyful treat it’s supposed to be!

Surely there’s a different way.

What if I could feel free enough to plan a personalized celebration for my children’s milestones and achievements? What if I could put to one side the expectations and start from the result I want to see.

I want to see my children feeling loved, special and relaxed – able to be themselves and to shine in their own strengths, able to feel comfortable enough to actually enjoy and take part in an activity with others. I want them to be comfortable and relaxed enough to be able to process what’s happening and to see how proud we are of them, not so overwhelmed and overloaded that they are on the verge of shut down or melt down.

I may have to be brave and allow myself to think outside the usual expectations. I may have to be courageous and give myself permission to do it a little differently. Perhaps to take a deep breath, acknowledge that it’s not going to be what I’d always imagined and that pulls on the heart strings sometimes, especially when there’s always an opportunity for comparison. I try not to notice the differences most days but when it comes to key milestones it’s nearly impossible to ignore.

Sometimes I feel a little grief for the celebration I’d always half imagined, had always assumed would be that way.  Different can feel really isolating and awkward, but different can also be wonderful. If I can find the courage to let go and step into new ways of celebrating together that my children can feel more relaxed and more excited about, different might even be better than I could ever have dreamed.

Written by Cathy Porter

Cathy Porter is  a disciple of Jesus, a mum, ordained and a vicar's wife (in the Church of England), a writer, a creative, a blogger.

Cathy and her husband, Andrew, have 3 children. Her two girls both a diagnosis of ASC. You can follow the ups and downs of family life & faith on her blog .

It is Cathy’s heart to encourage families to share in the adventure of faith together, especially families beautifully shaped by ASC. She loves to write stories that make the reader think, ask questions about what we believe, and help the reader to discover what the Bible has to say about God and friendship with him. 

Connecting With Your Children When There Is No Time

Life can be really full on can’t it! With all the phone calls, appointments and forms that need filling in. Then there’s the planning and support needed for all the everyday things that need doing, and places that need going to. Add to that the constant worries and wonderings about small things like health, friendships, discipline, eating. You know the kind of small details I’m talking about! Life can be so crammed full that it is hard to find time to simply be with my children, and have that time to really connect.

I love to find hobbies or projects that we all have an interest in, and have them ready to go (out in a corner of a room for as long as we can practically stand it) for those moments when either we have space together or those moments when we both need a welcome distraction from the battle over whatever it happens to be right then. It took a bit of time to work out what kinds of things, and it also took a change of attitude to the mess of it constantly being left out but after a while it was so clear to me that it was well worth it.

I had gotten so overwhelmed by all the necessary busy-ness of life that I had lost moments of laughter, of fun, and of understanding and appreciating each other’s strengths in the midst of it all.

We have found common ground in Lego projects, in art for bedrooms, in puzzles, in gardening, in Sims, in crafts. Lately my youngest and I (often joined by my eldest too) have been working on a project to build a dolls house for her 14 inch doll. We have been having fun trying to repurpose all sorts of bits and bobs we have in the house. We have been taking our time and chatting as we go. AS clothes and furniture, wallpaper designs and garden spaces have evolved, we have adored it together. It may not be perfect but it’s been a wonderful process, worth all the mess and the saving of the recycling.

The thing is I never actually have time to do these things, but somehow when they are ready to go we can find moments to dip in and out of the project together.

It’s such a simple thing but something I am increasingly thankful for. Positive time together with my kids is just so needed, for them and their well-being and also for me as a parent under pressure. Doing something together that our strengths and talents can shine through is a wonderful thing, especially when so much of the day to day feels like a battle, and so much of the admin and appointments focuses in on the weaknesses and areas that need support.

What do you enjoy doing with your kids? My husband finds very different projects to be common ground. Whatever it is, be encouraged. Yes, you and I are busy with so many things but moments of busy enjoyment together are never wasted. 

Written by Cathy Porter

Cathy Porter is  a disciple of Jesus, a mum, ordained and a vicar's wife (in the Church of England), a writer, a creative, a blogger.

Cathy and her husband, Andrew, have 3 children. Her two girls both a diagnosis of ASC. You can follow the ups and downs of family life & faith on her blog.

It is Cathy’s heart to encourage families to share in the adventure of faith together, especially families beautifully shaped by ASC. She loves to write stories that make the reader think, ask questions about what we believe, and help the reader to discover what the Bible has to say about God and friendship with him.