Father I Want To Know Thee
I had committed to and was joyfully living out, “God, I’m yours send me wherever you want, whenever you want me to go, and have me do whatever you plan for me” a commitment I had made in junior high.
Written by Sarah McGuire
“Father I want to know Thee, but my coward heart fears to give up its toys. I cannot part with them without inward bleeding, and I do not try to hide from Thee the terror of the parting. I come trembling, but I do come. Please root from my heart all those things which I have cherished so long and which have become a very part of my living self, so that Thou mayest enter and dwell there without a rival. Then shall my heart have no need of the sun to shine in it, for Thyself wilt be the light of it, and there shall be no night there.” – A.W. Tozer
These are the words I wrote in the front my Bible in 2004, before heading to Africa as a missionary, a desire of mine since I was a young child. It was the sincere prayer of my heart that God be everything to me…and I thought He was. I had committed to and was joyfully living out, “God, I’m yours send me wherever you want, whenever you want me to go, and have me do whatever you plan for me” a commitment I had made in junior high.
That was before special needs entered my life. That was before two years of sleepless nights. That was before the dreams for my family and life were crushed beyond recognition or hope of repair. That was before I lost my health and before we lost our home which was such a gift and where we had built a new dream.
This week I sat in that home as we get rid of most of our things and read these words again. I’d forgotten about them in the front of that Bible, rarely used in the last many years in favor of a newer one and a different translation.
What a difference the depth of meaning these words have now nearly 16 years later. I’ve wanted God and a healthy child, God and a meaningful ministry outside my family, God and my welcoming, restorative home. None of these desires are wrong – a health child, a meaningful ministry, and lovely home.
Yet, when these things have been taken away my coward heart not only fears to give them up and bleeds at the parting (that’s called grief), but at times has felt angry at God over the rending of my wants and toys.
There is a rending, a breaking of a dream, a shattering of something wonderful. There is brokenness. This world is cursed. It is crushed by sin. Where there is sin and brokenness, there will be pain. And I’ve learned that God weeps with me. God is a God of wholeness, creativity, beauty, love, forgiveness, holiness, and generosity. He is a God that will bring beauty out of our brokenness. When this broken world and the enemy of our soul crushes us, He desires to be our everything and for us to find our comfort and hope in Him.
Written by Sarah McGuire
It's The Devil's Fault
Not long ago I ran across an article in a fairly prominent Christian magazine. A “prophetic healing evangelist” claimed to have healed two children of the “demon spirit” of autism. I make no judgment about the writer’s motivations or sincerity. Still, my blood boiled. Written by Kevin O’Brien
While some of us are tempted to ask why God allows our children to be born with special needs (see last month’s article), some of us have the opposite reaction. For them, the very idea of “blaming” God seems entirely out of bounds, yet the wound remains. The pain must be dealt with. And so, we blame the devil or demons.
Not long ago I ran across an article in a fairly prominent Christian magazine. A “prophetic healing evangelist” claimed to have healed two children of the “demon spirit” of autism. I make no judgment about the writer’s motivations or sincerity. Still, my blood boiled. Quoting Luke 17:19 where Jesus tells a man that his faith has made him well, this person claimed that as the mothers released their faith completely the full manifestation of the healings could be completed .
Let me be clear, I believe God heals. The New Testament, especially the Gospels, make it clear that demonic forces are real and do indeed inflict harm on the world. We should recall, however, that in the book of Job it is clear that the devil cannot simply do whatever he wants whenever he wants.
There are, however, real problems with this healer’s line of thinking.
In the story being quoted (Luke 17:11-19), Jesus heals 10 men with leprosy. Only one, a Samaritan, returns to thank Jesus. Samaritans were looked down on by the Jews of Jesus’ day because they were seen as half breeds who did not worship God correctly. When Jesus says that this man’s faith healed him, it is first about who he has faith in–namely Jesus–which would have been totally unexpected for a Samaritan.
Second his faith is clearly contrasted with the other lepers who are Jewish and therefore have right belief and worship (in theory anyway). Yes, our faith is important because Jesus works in and through it, however, it is not about how much we have. It is about what God does with it (remember too that the others were still healed). Just prior to this Jesus told the apostles all they needed was faith the size of a mustard seed (v.6)!
What does this have to do with the possibility of demonic influence in autism?
A few things. First, not all of Jesus’ healings were directly related to demons. We should not ever go down a path that says, “if it is bad it is therefore demonic.” This is simply not biblical belief and frankly gives the devil far more credit than he deserves. Sometimes a disease is a disease. Second, there is simply no indication from Jesus’ ministry that the size of our faith has any impact on removing demons and none where deliverance was in any way something that happened over time. When Jesus healed, he healed.
On the surface, one exorcism seems to indicate that it is our faith that is needed for healing, but closer inspection shows that this is not true. In Matthew 17:14-21, Mark 9:14-29 and Luke 9:37-49, Jesus heals a demon-possessed boy whose symptoms sound a lot like epileptic grand mal seizures. The boy’s father went to the disciples first, but they could not heal him. Then he goes to the source, Jesus himself. In Matthew’s account, when the disciples ask why they could not heal the boy (v.19), Jesus tells them it is because they did not have enough faith (vv.20-21), NOT the father!
Mark’s account seems to pose a problem. The father is understandably doubtful when he takes the boy to Jesus (after all the disciples just failed). He asks Jesus “if” he can do anything (v.22). Jesus replies “’if you can?’ Everything is possible for one who believes.” (v.23) Isn’t this proof that my faith as a father has a direct impact on my son’s healing? Not so fast (v.24):
Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
What parent of a child whom they want to see healed doesn’t understand this plea?
The man has faith to a point. He wants to believe, but his faith can only take him so far. And Jesus knows this. Because he heals the boy anyway.
The devil is real. Demons are real. But they are not responsible for everything, certainly not every disease. It is spiritual malpractice to tell a parent that their child is suffering from demonic attack because they have a disease like autism. As we have seen over the past several articles, often we do not know why suffering happens. We do know that God is bigger than the cause of our suffering in any case. The world is a broken place. The question for us is not how big our faith is, but whom are we putting it in. Jesus has proven he is far more powerful than the devil.
Written by Kevin O’Brien
Kevin O’Brien is a husband, father, ordained minister, writer and volunteer theologian. He holds a Master of Divinity and Master of Theology from Liberty Baptist Theological Seminary where he won the Th.M. award in 1997. He has also done graduate work at the Institute for Christian Studies in Toronto. Kevin worked as a brand manager on the Bible team at Tyndale House Publishers. During his time at Tyndale he has helped to develop several Bibles and has written articles which have appeared in The Way, the iShine Bible, and the Illustrated Study Bible. He also wrote a series of devotionals for WAYFM’s World’s Biggest Small Group.
Kevin lives in the far western suburbs of Chicago with his wife, three children, a dog, and a cat. He would prefer to spend his time reading, writing, woodworking and watching the Chicago Blackhawks.
When It Is Not Well With My Soul
Today I want to introduce you to someone. This person is acquainted with grief. He knows what it is like to experience loss. He has been through it. Now I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking I am going to talk about Jesus and will relate it back to having a savior who is intimately familiar with pain and gets what you are going through. Nope, although that is true and would be a good article.
Written by Jonathan McGuire
Today I want to introduce you to someone. This person is acquainted with grief. He knows what it is like to experience loss. He has been through it. Now I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking I am going to talk about Jesus and will relate it back to having a savior who is intimately familiar with pain and gets what you are going through. Nope, although that is true and would be a good article.
Today I want to introduce you to Horatio Spafford. Horatio was a successful attorney and real estate investor who lost a fortune in the Chicago fire of 1871. Around the same time, his four year old son died of scarlet fever.
Horatio thought it would be good for his family to get away for a while so he sent his wife and four daughters on a ship to England, where he planned on joining them later. As his family was traveling, the ship was involved in a collision and sunk. Horatio’s daughters perished in the accident.
As Horatio travelled to meet his wife, he penned the words to the hymn, “It Is Well With My Soul.”
When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul.
If you didn’t know the back story, this is one of those hymns that you would think was written by someone who had an easy life and never experienced loss or hard times.
As I write this and share about Horatio’s response to his pain, I’m fearful that you may think that I am saying that you are not supposed to grieve the hard, the difficult, the pain that is in your life. I’m fearful that you may think that I’m saying that we are supposed to gloss over it all and say that everything “is well with my soul” similar to answering “fine” when asked, “How are you?”
That is not the message here. I like Kristene DiMarco’s rendition of the song. In it she sings,
Through it all my eyes are on you. Through it all it is well.
Let go my soul and trust in Him. The waves and wind still know His name.
When we are in the midst of the storm, we can say ,“It is well with my soul” when we keep our eyes on Him. It is not well with my soul because of life circumstances. It is well because I know that God is in control. This does require a trust in God in the midst of the hard, which can in itself seem hard…sometimes impossible, especially when you feel like your boat is sinking. But, remember you do have a savior who gets what you’re going through and is intimately familiar with pain and sorrow. The same savior who calmed the waves and the wind is in control and knows what you are going through.
Hmm…I guess this article was about Jesus after all.
Written by Jonathan McGuire
Jonathan McGuire is the father of two sons and the co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that comes alongside the parents of children impacted by disability on a spiritual and emotional level. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here.
Hope Anew has launched the Hope Anew Online Community and would love to have you be a part of it! You can learn more at www.HopeAnew.com.
When Life Is Hard
We are one month into the new year! You may being feeling invigorated and ready to take on the rest of the year or you may be feeling overwhelmed and ready to crawl back into bed. Jonathan McGuire shares a Bible passage that he found to be encouraging during a time of high stress and uncertainty.
How are you doing? No, REALLY…how are you doing? Are you feeling great, energetic and looking forward to the day? Or are you feeling tired, stressed, and overwhelmed?
If I am being completely transparent, I would have to say that I am more in the latter category. Our family is the middle of a move. This isn’t one of those moves where you are looking forward to the new possibilities (although we will get there). Due to health reasons, we are moving, leaving our dream house and property and frankly don’t know where or what we are moving to. To add a little more stress to the situation, we are losing a quarter of our income with this move and won’t be able to take most of our belongings with us.
These last couple days have been extra hard as Sarah has been packing, deciding what we can keep and can’t and grieving the loss of the home where our boys have spent the last eight years of their lives growing up. There has been a lot of tears as we let go.
Can you relate to this?
I was reading the Bible this morning and Genesis 18 stood out to me. In this chapter, we see a very old Abraham and Sarah. The promise of God has not been fulfilled yet and his descendants do not yet number the stars. When we find Abraham, it is the hottest part of the afternoon and he is escaping the heat by relaxing in the opening of his tent. The Lord shows up in the form of three strangers and he immediately jumps up, greets them, washes their feet and asks them to stay to eat.
While eating, the Lord blesses Abraham and tells him that in a years time He will come back and Abraham and Sarah will have a son. Sarah is not there, but is in the tent listening and in her disbelief, laughs.
My tendency is to want to judge Sarah for not having faith. But let’s look at this situation through her eyes. What would you have thought if you were her? The reality is, she was old and beyond child bearing years and so was Abraham. We don’t know this but I do know people, especially people of faith, and I would almost bet that she had prayed on multiple occasions before then that they would have a child. Being childless was a disgrace in that time. She had lived years and to that point, God had not answered and provided them with a child.
God hears Sarah, and turns to Abraham and asks, “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘Will I really have a child now that I am old.’” This is the part I love, in verse 14 He asks, “Is anything too hard for the Lord?”
I love this because I know God is with me. I know He is in control. I love this because I know that this situation that seems overwhelming to me is not too hard for the Lord.
Is it too hard for me? Definitely, I don’t have all the answers and that’s okay. God never promised that we wouldn’t have more than we can handle. He did say that He would be with us every step of the way and we can know that nothing is too hard for Him.
Ideas For Spending Time with God in Any Stage of Life
In this life with kids with disability, everything changes; including the time, mental, and emotional energy we have as moms to put into our time getting to know God and His words to us.
Written by Sarah McGuire
In this life with kids with disability, everything changes; including the time, mental, and emotional energy we have as moms to put into our time getting to know God and His words to us.
There is never one “right” way to get to know God, learn about Him, and spend time with Him. There is so much freedom in that! It can look different for everyone. Not only that, what it looks like will very likely change over the years and seasons of our lives as our time and other responsibilities change.
In college, I used a set daily format, went through 2-10 verses at a time, took notes, and spent time praying for a total of around 30 minutes. On occasion, I skipped dinner or snuck away on weekends to get longer periods of uninterrupted time in stillness reading and praying.
But then there was marriage and kids and a child with a disability and medical issues. I didn’t even have two quiet minutes, let alone hours to steal away.
Maybe you’ve never read the Bible through in its entirety and are at a spot in life where that would be a perfect goal for you and would help you get to know God more. Maybe you have to sit in a therapy or doctor waiting room for a few hours per week and that would fit in beautifully. It’s an admirable and worthy goal! I’m so thankful I’ve been able to do that many times. It has been enriching to see the whole of God’s plan throughout time and to see themes repeated I would not have seen were I reading a few verses or one or two chapters at a time.
If you are in a place like I found myself this past December, maybe it’s time to change things up.
My solution - I’ve purchased a coloring Bible, because I don’t sit in quiet stillness well anymore. This year I am going to spend time coloring and meditating on one verse per day while resting and waiting in God’s presence.
If you are in a stage of life where kids and caregiving are making Bible and God time difficult to impossible, here some suggestions:
First, focus on being faithful to whatever God has put into your day. If caring for a child all day (and all night) is what He has put in your day, don’t feel guilty for not getting in a time of Bible reading or study. There was a time when Elijah was doing God’s work to the point of exhaustion. God didn’t tell him to get with it and do more. No, God sent an angel to give him food and water and told Elijah to eat, rest, and eat some more. If that’s the stage you are in, be faithful with what is in front of you. Rest in God and knowing He loves and cares for you. It’s about His grace and mercy, not your effort!
Second, once you’ve rested and eaten, try to memorize one or two verses that you can meditate on should your child fall asleep in your arms and you don’t dare to move a muscle (I’ve been there). I liked Isaiah 40:11 and Zephaniah 3:17, but choose ones that speak to your heart and mind.
Third, I encourage you to get an audio Bible. YouVersion has a read aloud feature for free that can be used with the various Bible reading plans. Last year, I got the One Year Chronological Bible on Audible for $6.50. That’s a great investment to be able to fit some Bible “reading” into bits and pieces of your day when a paper copy just won’t work.
Whatever stage you are in, there is a way to spend some focused time with God. Even if it’s when your child has fallen into an exhausted sleep in your arms after hours of screaming and you just picture yourself held in His arms just as you are holding your child in your arms.
Written by Sarah McGuire
Behold I Make All Things New
John Felageller shares how his son’s response to a light show in the botanical gardens helped him find hope in the midst of a divorce.
“And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” (Rev., 21:5, ESV).
One of our favorite past times as a family is to visit the Botanical Gardens near our home in the Chicago suburbs. It is a huge space of grounds that covers many acres of forest preserve land, complete with a variety of gardens, wooded trails and greenhouses. As teachers (or former teachers!) we are always took advantage of free entry with our ID, and it has been a great place to take our autistic son whenever he needed a motor break or just needed to be outside.
This year, we had a much different experience, as the Gardens hosted a new light show called Lightscape which unlike previous years where they had just stung up a variety of holiday lights, this was essentially a giant light show through the entire grounds, including whole displays timed to music, lighted shapes and designs placed along the walkways and trails, and even a light “cathedral” which featured hundreds of strings of lights that covered a long open gazebo.
We were excited to bring our son since it was something totally new, and we knew how much he loved both the outdoors but also music and lights. As we entered the grounds on a chilly Thursday evening, we were struck by how sophisticated and lovely the show was, and our son was so entranced by all of the sensory experiences that he continually produced a giant smile on his face. The best part was when he stood mesmerized at a fiber optics display that was set up along the rocks of an outdoor fountain, just standing and watching the lights flow down the rocks like water.
In that moment, I was reminded by how unique and special this light display had made an otherwise regular feature in the garden that my son would have seen hundreds of times before. It was the same, but different, it had been recreated, transformed and essentially made “new” right before my son’s eyes.
This experience reminded me of some powerful lessons this holiday season. While we always come back to the birth of Christ at Christmas as our source for eternal hope, I find it all too easy to get lost in the craziness of the celebrations.
This year, I was forced to look at this season in a new light, as my wife and me began the unfortunate process of divorce in November. I personally struggled to find hope when all I could feel was my own personal pain, suffering and anger, but a visit to one of my favorite places helped to lighten my mood. But it did more than that, as I watched my son’s amazement at the incredible light show that had changed a very familiar location into something completely new and different. It had become changed in ways I couldn’t have expected, and I was brought back to a place of peace and remembering the promise we have in our lives being reborn. It is in moments such as this that I am reminded of the promise that He will literally remake everything, and all we must do is to show up, be aware, and behold the goodness of His promises.
Written by John Felageller
John lives in Northbrook, IL and is currently a Social Programs Manager at Total Link 2 Community in Chicago, IL. He is a regular contributor to Key Ministry’s Special Needs Family blog, and is both a live presenter and on Key Ministry’s Facebook page. He coordinates a Special Needs Dads meet-up in his community and works with several other local Special Needs organizations that serve both parents and children.
Connect with John on his Facebook page here.
When Your Bible Time Goes Stale
In the past, when my son was so sick and required 24/7 care, there were months I didn’t have the time or energy to even open my Bible to read one verse. Written by Sarah McGuire
I pulled out my Bible to complete my Bible reading. I finished Revelation 22. The last book and chapter of the Bible. It was December 31 and I had done it again. I’d read the Bible through in a year.
In the past, when my son was so sick and required 24/7 care, there were months I didn’t have the time or energy to even open my Bible to read one verse. This was before smart phones, YouVersion audio Bibles, and Audible. So, if I was holding my screaming son who was in pain, I couldn’t be holding my Bible.
For several years now, I’ve had the privilege of being able to read the Bible through in one year. (I really like the chronological format.) Yet, as I closed my Bible this December, I knew I needed a different focus for the coming year. I could feel how it had become more of a task to complete, a goal to achieve, rather than time spent with my Father.
With the new year, I like to take time to set some goals for the coming year. I evaluate where our family has been, strengths, weaknesses, needs, vision for life, work, family members, self. I think about what has been working and what has not been working. I think about what or how I dream of being and of what and who I dream of my kids becoming and set some intentional steps to move us in that direction.
If you’ve spent any time goal setting, you’ve probably heard of SMART goals. Goals that are Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-based. Reading the Bible through in one year fits that metric perfectly. Yet, I knew that repeating that goal again this year would not get me where I wanted to go. It wouldn’t help me with who I want to be and to become.
My real goal is to know God more; to love God fully; to be loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, gentle, and self-disciplined; and to abide and rest in Him because all those things I just listed are a result of Him in me. Those goals are a little harder to define as a SMART goal and for me to make them into SMART goals would defeat the purpose.
Next week I’ll share with you my solution and what I’ve chosen to do this year as well as some suggestions for how to get some Bible or God time in when caring for a child that takes your everything and your every moment. In the meantime, comment and share with me what types of Bible or God-time goals you have used and enjoyed.
Why are you doing this God?
The cry of the person in the midst of crisis. The demand of a parent with a special needs child: Why did this happen to my child? Why did this happen to us? To Me?
Written by Kevin O’Brien
Why is this happening God?
The cry of the person in the midst of crisis. The demand of a parent with a special needs child: Why did this happen to my child? Why did this happen to us? To Me?
Often, perhaps too often, we are afraid we know the answer. Last month we looked at the possibility that it was our fault. In John 9 Jesus heals a man who was blind from birth. The disciples ask Jesus whose fault it was.
Jesus responds that it was no one’s fault, it was for God’s glory.
So if it’s not our fault, why would God allow this to happen? Why would God cause this to happen? Because one or the other seems to be the implication. It doesn’t really matter if you lean more in the direction of God making the suffering happen or allowing the suffering to happen, the end result is the same. Suffering is here and you are in the middle of it.
We are not alone in asking this question. The writers of the Psalms, especially David, ask why God would allow suffering. Job asks God straight out:
If I have sinned, what have I done to you,
you who see everything we do?
Why have you made me your target?
Have I become a burden to you?
Job 7:20, NIV
Lots of people offer us reasons why God might allow or even cause something so painful. All too often the reasons are more than a bit like those of Job’s friends. They sound pious, they may even contain some truth, but they make a very significant mistake. They claim to have certain knowledge of the mind of God when it comes to the very specific situation we face. Knowledge they simply can’t have.
God never answers Job’s question. He doesn’t explain. The closest Job gets to an answer is in chapters 38-40. There God demands to know if Job really has the standing to question him. God asks Job, “Do you really want to correct me? (40:2); is your sense of justice really greater than mine (40:8); do you have the power that I have, the power to save? (40:9-12); do you know the secrets of the universe (Ch. 38-39).
The bible is full of people crying out to God in their suffering. We see it in the Psalms. There is an entire book called “Lamentations”. The issue is not grief. It is not asking why. Job is not condemned for asking why. God challenges him for questioning his character.
The implication is clear: Job, you don’t have enough information to make the kind of judgment you are making. You don’t have the perspective you need to say that I have mistreated you. Because that is really what we are saying when we blame God for whatever is happening. God, this is your fault and I don’t deserve it. You are mistreating me.
Why is not the problem. It is a perfectly good and legitimate question. We need to ask why. the problem is that we cannot live there. In the midst of our suffering we are tempted to.
God generally doesn’t give us the answer to our whys. He doesn’t tell us the reason for suffering, instead the Bible tells us (repeatedly) to expect it. So the question we really need to be asking ourselves is “can I trust God even when I don’t understand?” If we really believe the God is who He says He is in the Bible, then as hard as it is in the moment, we know the answer is yes. From Genesis to Revelation God is the God of good things, the God who creates a good universe (Genesis 1), the God who is light not darkness (1 Jn 1:5), who comes to save His people over and over again, especially and finally in Jesus, the God who will one day set all things to right (revelation 21-22).
This does not make the road easy. It does not erase the suffering. But it does offer hope.
The hope that while we do not always understand or even see the way forward, we can trust that God has our best in mind and as the apostle Paul says to the church in Philippi:
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? . . . No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
Rom. 8:35,37 NIV
Written by Kevin O’Brien
Kevin O’Brien is a husband, father, ordained minister, writer and volunteer theologian. He holds a Master of Divinity and Master of Theology from Liberty Baptist Theological Seminary where he won the Th.M. award in 1997. He has also done graduate work at the Institute for Christian Studies in Toronto. Kevin worked as a brand manager on the Bible team at Tyndale House Publishers. During his time at Tyndale he has helped to develop several Bibles and has written articles which have appeared in The Way, the iShine Bible, and the Illustrated Study Bible. He also wrote a series of devotionals for WAYFM’s World’s Biggest Small Group.
Most recently, Kevin wrote an Advent devotional eBook. You can find it here.
Kevin lives in the far western suburbs of Chicago with his wife, three children, a dog, and a cat. He would prefer to spend his time reading, writing, woodworking and watching the Chicago Blackhawks.
One Tip To Keep From Feeling Overwhelmed
How did you start the new year off…motivated or overwhelmed?
Written by Jonathan McGuire
How did you start the new year off…motivated or overwhelmed?
When the new year rings in, it’s not uncommon to be asked if you made new year resolutions. Upon being asked this, you may be thinking to yourself that your biggest goal is to make it to when your child goes to sleep…let alone set a resolution for the whole year.
I can relate to those days. When our son was doing the worst, the goal of making it to when he was asleep was even too long term of a goal, especially since he would only sleep 15 minutes at a time. Sarah’s goal was to make it through the next second, the next minute. One minute at a time was all she could think about.
You may find yourself in a similar position. If you do, then I’m guessing your answer to the first question in the article was overwhelmed.
There are many tips out there for helping with the feeling of being overwhelmed ranging from self-care, time management, prioritizing what you do, eliminating unnecessary activities, creating routines and the list goes on. Many of these things are helpful and I may even write a future article about some of them but there is one place to start.
I recently read the following quote from Charles Stanley,
“I’ve had short periods in my life when a particular problem or situation would cause me nights of tossing and turning, hour after hour unable to sleep. I’ve discovered the best thing I can do when I can’t seem to let go of thinking about a particular problem, conversation, or criticism, is to get out of bed, get down on my knees, and cry out to God: ‘Please help me through this. Help me focus on You alone.’ Sleep comes when my focus is on the Lord and how He’d have me think or respond to a particular situation…Thinking about the Lord brings a person peace. Thinking about anything else is usually a shortcut to anxiety, fear, or worry.”
If you are starting off the new year feeling overwhelmed, remember this one thing.
God is with you. He is with you in the day to day. He is with you as you sit on the store floor holding your child in the midst of a meltdown. He is with you as you are listening to the sounds of monitors to make sure your child is alright. He is with you as you are trying to figure out how you are going to make your rent payment with finances so tight. He is with you when your marriage has shattered. God is with…YOU and loves you. Focus on Him when you are feeling overwhelmed.
“Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; He will neither fail you nor abandon you.”
~ Deuteronomy 31:8 (NLT)
Written by Jonathan McGuire
Jonathan McGuire is the father of two sons and the co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that comes alongside the parents of children impacted by disability on a spiritual and emotional level. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here.
Hope Anew has launched the Hope Anew Online Community and would love to have you be a part of it! You can learn more at www.HopeAnew.com.
How God Is Using Depression To Give Me Hope
In this excerpt from her interview on the Hope Anew Disability Podcast, Gillian Marchenko shares how her depression is being used by God to give her hope.
In this excerpt from her interview on the Hope Anew Disability Podcast, Gillian shares how her depression is being used by God to give her hope.
Listen to the full interview on the Hope Anew Disability Podcast January 6th!
When Hope Isn't A Thrill
It’s Christmas time, those days in the year when popular lyrics like “a thrill of hope” are on the tip of the tongue. And yet, for some of us who fight depression, the idea of hope isn’t a thrill, but rather a briar patch of disappointment, confused emotions, and shame. Written by Gillian Marchenko
This is the season of hope but I realize that many of you are going through hard times and not feeling so hopeful.
Sarah and I recently had the privilege of interviewing Gillian Marchenko on the Hope Anew Disability podcast and you will be able to hear the interview the first Monday in January! One of the questions that we asked was, “How do you find hope in the darkness?” We had a great conversation about this in the podcast. Gillian went on to write about it further in a recent article on her blog and gave us permission to repost it on the Hope Anew blog here!
May it help you find hope this Christmas season.
A thrill of hope?
It’s Christmas time, those days in the year when popular lyrics like “a thrill of hope” are on the tip of the tongue. And yet, for some of us who fight depression, the idea of hope isn’t a thrill, but rather a briar patch of disappointment, confused emotions, and shame.
Depression is defined as hopelessness.
For me, hope often feels more lost than found when my mind is frost bitten by darkness. What in the world is a Christian supposed to do with all this?
“Gillian, how do you find hope in the darkness?” the podcast host asked me recently during a conversation about mental illness. A straight forward question with a layered and at times, seemingly complicated answer. How do I explain the inner turmoil that blows around my insides like a bitter, winter breeze swept up in a frenzy? Sometimes hope is a promise I can grab on to. Other times, it melts in my hands.
A positional hope
My friend Andrea and I are working through the book of Romans together and it talks a lot about hope. Look at some of chapter five:
Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.
Romans 5:1-2
Obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand. This is a positional hope a person has when he or she responds in faith to the gospel. It’s solid, sure. It doesn’t melt away. We rejoice in hope of the glory of God. What does glory mean here? It’s who he is. We rejoice in WHO GOD IS. He is our hope.
But can I find hope?
The wording of the question in the podcast, find hope, stuck with me. Can I find hope? Paul says yes. He talks about the already and not yet of hope, already possessed through the gospel and something that should be sought after and grown. But how do we do that? How do we seek hope and grow it?
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Romans 5:3-5
After Paul proclaims positional hope in the glory of God through Jesus, he then gives us action points to help cultivate hope in our day-to-day lives. We are told to endure in the faith (not give up) and to let that endurance grow our character (by living faithful lives obedient to God). Endurance produces character and character produces HOPE. How do we endure? By looking to the gospel and trusting God. How do we grow our character? By beholding Jesus above and beyond anything else in our lives, and we can behold him in scripture, prayer, and in fellowship with others.
The NIV adds the word ‘proven’ to these phrases in Romans; endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. Although my emotions my say differently on any given day, when I look back at my life, I see God’s proven faithfulness over and over again. And when I commune with God in a rhythmic way, Christ has ample opportunity to whisper these truths in my ear.
There’s hope positionally in me. And there’s hope for today.
Hope grows in suffering
We rejoice in our sufferings.
Romans 5:3
Is my depression, the one thing I would flick out the window as quickly as people flicked cigarette butts out of the car in the 70s, what is teaching me to hope?
Years ago, I wouldn’t have been able to stomach the thought that my depression would produce hope. But as I’ve grown in my faith and in health, in the midst of freezing out the world in dark nights of the soul, crying out to God for healing, and clawing out of the pits of pain time after time, I have learned and continue to learn this:
When Jesus is all you have, you find that Jesus is all you need.
My depression is training me to hope. Suffering produces hope.
The weary world rejoices
Because of Christ, I can rejoice in my achy limbs and muddied thinking. They aren’t happenstance. They have purpose in me. They stretch me to endure. They mold my character. Hope exists whether I feel it or not because hope isn’t the desire of a future want or need fulfilled, but rather Jesus Christ himself. It’s his life, death, resurrection, and pending return. And when I focus on these truths, my weary world rejoices.
Hope is a promise, not a feeling. And God, by his grace and in his great wisdom, is growing hope in me today.
And that actually is pretty thrilling.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13
Written by Gillian Marchenko
This article was reposted with permission. To read the original, please go here.
Gillian Marchenko is an author and a speaker. She lives near St. Louis with her husband Sergei and their four daughters. Find out more about Gillian at her website gillianmarchenko.com.
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Answered Prayers For Healing
I prayed that God would heal my son’s food allergies and autism. I prayed that He would lead me to the right research, interventions, and answers to bring healing to my son’s body that would heal his allergies and autism.
I prayed that God would heal my chronic illness involving extreme fatigue, brain fog and insomnia. I prayed that God would give me enough energy to take care of my family and even minister to others too.
Written by Sarah McGuire
I prayed that God would heal my son’s food allergies and autism. I prayed that He would lead me to the right research, interventions, and answers to bring healing to my son’s body that would heal his allergies and autism.
I prayed that God would heal my chronic illness involving extreme fatigue, brain fog and insomnia. I prayed that God would give me enough energy to take care of my family and even minister to others too.
I prayed that I would know God more, who He really is and not just knowing about Him from church and Bible school. I prayed for spiritual healing, salvation yes, I resolved that long ago. But beyond salvation, my desires and motivations had (and still have) a long way to go in mirroring His.
He answered my prayers for healing my son and spiritual healing with a yes and He is in the process of answering my prayer for healing my chronic illness with a yes, but none of them were how I expected or how I would have chosen for Him to do it.
My son’s healing came through extreme lifestyle changes that revolutionized most aspects of our family’s life. It was not easy, took a lot of time, commitment money, research, and sacrifices.
My chronic illness, of 10 plus years, is at the beginning of the process (it’s been 3 weeks), but the differences are significant already. It is not easy, requires our family to relocate, and involves huge sacrifices on the part of all of each family member and extended family in order to make it happen.
My spiritual healing isn’t easy either. It was initiated with my Savior suffering and dying a horrible death and taking my sins on Him to pay the price I owed. I’m sinful. God is holy. Without the pain and sacrifice of Jesus, there would be no healing for me. Ongoing as I desire to be more like Him, His answer to my prayer for that is not simply to give me a more spiritually mature perspective and faith, but to grow it in me by the challenges I face in this life as I come to Him with the problems and struggles and depend on Him as we go through them.
There was a time (years) in my life where I felt like God had abandoned me, was silent and was not answering my prayers. In reality, He was answering, but I couldn’t see it because the answer was in such a different form than I expected. At least that was the case for healing my son and my spiritual healing. For healing my chronic illness, evidently it wasn’t the right time yet. That answer is involving stripping many other beloved things and people away from my family and I, and I don’t think it would have been good for my family for that to have come much sooner. He knows the perfect timing.
God doesn’t always answer prayers with a, “Yes”, nor does He always answer right away or even soon. When He does answer with a, “Yes”, it may involve other sacrifices, work, and painful things. But no matter His answer, He is always working for our good, even when it doesn’t look or feel like it.
Written by Sarah McGuire
Whose Fault is This?
Let’s face it, at some time or another many of us, maybe even all of us parents of kids with special needs ask the question. Whose fault? Why did this happen? Written by Kevin O’Brien
Let’s face it, at some time or another many of us, maybe even all of us parents of kids with special needs ask the question. Whose fault? Why did this happen? We can go through all kinds of scenarios in our heads. Some of us lean to the scientific looking at or for all matter of causes: genetic, environmental, what have you. Some of us, especially Christians, lean entirely spiritual. We leave no spiritual stone unturned. We look at ourselves and our spouses. We may even look at our child. Either way, we are looking for a cause. We are looking for fault.
It’s entirely understandable. It’s perfectly normal. I would be lying if I said I haven’t done either. I have. I have wondered about the scientific and the spiritual reasons. I have blamed myself. I have wondered about genetic histories of myself and my wife. I have wondered what it was that I did to cause this. My guess is that you have too.
We are not alone in that belief.
In his Gospel, the apostle John recounts the story of Jesus healing a man born blind. Perhaps you remember the story: Jesus spits on the ground making mud, puts it on the man’s eyes and he is healed when he washes in the Pool of Siloam. It’s an interesting story on several levels. Kids love it because they learn that Jesus spits! (And they wonder if that means they have a pass to do so too). Churchy adult types may not be quite sure about it, but the spitting is not really the point. As a rule we forget about the controversy that follows, but this one healing causes a whole lot of upheaval. The story takes up all of chapter 9, and is very much worth reflecting on in its entirety. The point of the story is found right at the beginning in verses 1-3, before the healing even takes place.
As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”
“Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.
John 9:1-3, NIV
Whose fault Jesus?
This is not the crowd asking the question, not the religious leaders trying to trap Jesus. It was the disciples. They drew a conclusion, a conclusion that seemed perfectly natural to them. It seemed, after all, to flow directly from the Law in Exodus and Deuteronomy and Numbers. Jesus’ response is truly freeing.
It is not his fault.
It is not his parents’ fault.
Fault is really not at all the issue in this case. The issue is the glory of God. God’s glory shines through this man’s life because Jesus heals him. But God’s is at work in more than the healing of this man. The healing helps the man, to be sure, but it does far more. It sets in motion a fierce debate about sin and blindness, about who is from God and who is not, who is with God and who is not. In short, this man’s disability becomes the catalyst to see Jesus for who he is and by extension God for who he is.
God’s very nature, his compassion and humility, are seen in and through the suffering of this man. The disciples are impacted by this man. So are his neighbors and his parents. The Pharisees were forced to confront their unbelief because of this man.
For those of us with children who are disabled in some way, determining fault may feel important, but it may be the wrong question entirely. I am not saying that medical causes or treatment are unimportant (of course they are or Jesus would not have bothered to heal the man in the first place). I am saying that there is something even larger at stake.
Today, when we think about ministry and special needs, we generally think about ministering to people with special needs. Perhaps in ways that we have a hard time conceiving, it is those with special needs who are in fact ministering to us. They show us how to have mercy and show compassion, they teach us patience and yes even joy. They may well force us to confront the reality of Jesus like the man born blind.
Sometimes the crucible of suffering is exactly what we need to have our eyes opened to the light of Jesus. It is not easy. It is no doubt not the path we would choose. But as John shows us in this episode, in Jesus we see a God who is in the business of subverting the difficulties and tragedies of this world. That is a gift.
Written by Kevin O’Brien
Kevin O’Brien is a husband, father, ordained minister, writer and volunteer theologian. He holds a Master of Divinity and Master of Theology from Liberty Baptist Theological Seminary where he won the Th.M. award in 1997. He has also done graduate work at the Institute for Christian Studies in Toronto. Kevin worked as a brand manager on the Bible team at Tyndale House Publishers. During his time at Tyndale he has helped to develop several Bibles and has written articles which have appeared in The Way, the iShine Bible, and the Illustrated Study Bible. He also wrote a series of devotionals for WAYFM’s World’s Biggest Small Group.
Most recently, Kevin wrote an Advent devotional eBook. You can find it here.
Kevin lives in the far western suburbs of Chicago with his wife, three children, a dog, and a cat. He would prefer to spend his time reading, writing, woodworking and watching the Chicago Blackhawks.
5 Scriptures For When You Are Overwhelmed
Do you ever feel overwhelmed? Some of you may have just snorted and thought to yourself, “I feel overwhelmed right now.” As I was sitting at the dinner table last night, finishing the last of the Thanksgiving turkey and sweet potato casserole, I began thinking of the parents I know with families that are impacted by special needs, who are in this place of being overwhelmed.
It’s like the movie, “The Perfect Storm.” In this movie three raging weather fronts collide with each other to form this super storm. The movie tells the story of a commercial fishing vessel that was lost at sea with her crew.
While we look forward to the holidays, they undeniably create extra stress. The stress from Thanksgiving merges and intensifies with Christmas. When you insert another major stressor (health issues, marriage issues, additional needs related to the care of your child…all the above), you find yourself in the middle of your own Perfect Storm.
This can result in irritability, exhaustion, depression, wanting to escape life and being less able to deal with the individual stressors in a healthy way.
You may find yourself in a place of wishing you could just hunker down in the midst of the storm and wait it out until about January 2, as you feel exhausted, wrung out and overwhelmed.
If this is you, I hope that the following five scriptures bring you comfort and peace during this season.
“Your word is a lamp for my feet,
a light on my path.” ~ Psalm 119: 105“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” ~ Psalm 23: 4
“Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.'” ~ Psalm 91: 1-2“For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” ~ Isaiah 41: 13
“I, even I, am he who comforts you.” ~ Isaiah 51: 12
As this week closes, pause, take a breath and reflect on the above scriptures before diving into the to do list for next week. The same God who calmed the storms over the sea of Galilee, is with you through the storms of life today.
Written by Jonathan McGuire
Jonathan McGuire is the father of two sons and the co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that comes alongside the parents of children impacted by disability on a spiritual and emotional level. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here.
Hope Anew has launched the Hope Anew Online Community and would love to have you be a part of it! You can learn more at www.HopeAnew.com.
Making New Traditions
Holidays can be a very difficult time for families with kids with special needs. Many of the traditions they used to enjoy, they can’t anymore. Family gatherings they used to cherish, they can’t participate in anymore. It can be an especially hard and lonely time as the difficulties that come with special needs are magnified and what has been lost looms larger than ever. Written by Sarah McGuire
Pumpkin pie, turkey, football, stuffing, twinkling lights, snowflakes swirling down, pies, family gatherings, gifts around a tree, and cookie decorating. The holidays. They inspire a feeling of cozy warmth, celebration, and cherished memories. Until they don’t. Until thinking of those memories breaks your heart in pieces because life has changed. You now have a child with special needs or disability that has changed everything.
When our son was young and was allergic to most foods, highly sensory sensitive, nonverbal, autistic and more, the holidays rolled around and that meant no pie, no cookies, no stuffing, no Grandma’s special bread rolls, no gravy, no family gatherings. Too much noise, too much chaos and stimulation, too much change, too great of a chance for food reactions. Too much of some things, yet nothing of the desired things.
Our first Christmas with him was miserable. We were 1100 miles away from family and because of our son’s needs and our financial constraints, we didn’t even try to go home for the holidays. We decided we needed to make our own Christmas traditions since we couldn’t be with family.
In our family we do birthday desserts since my husband detests cake. With Christmas being Jesus’ birthday, our first new tradition was to have a birthday dessert with candles and sing “Happy Birthday” to Jesus after our Christmas meal.
I made a cherry pie (my husband’s favorite) with all special ingredients that we could eat on our son’s special diet, which I had to strictly abide by since he was nursing. It took me hours to find a recipe that met the requirements (special diets were rare at that time), had to special order some ingredients, and spent an hour or more making it. We were so excited about this pie. It was the pinnacle to our somewhat sorry Christmas meal. With great anticipation we served it and took our first bite – yuck! It was awful. We trashed the rest of the pie.
Holidays can be a very difficult time for families with kids with special needs. Many of the traditions they used to enjoy, they can’t anymore. Family gatherings they used to cherish, they can’t participate in anymore. It can be an especially hard and lonely time as the difficulties that come with special needs are magnified and what has been lost looms larger than ever.
Our first attempt was a sorry start to new holiday traditions. However, we persisted and 11 years later, we have some special Thanksgiving and Christmas traditions. If you find yourself in a place that we were at eleven years ago, think about starting some of your own traditions that fit your family’s needs. Here are a couple of ours to get your thinking started:
We made our own specialty-diet approved Thanksgiving menu.
We have a Thankfulness Pumpkin where each morning of November, we each say one thing we are thankful for and write it on the pumpkin with a Sharpie.
We have a Christmas moose (we couldn’t afford the famous elf so we used what we had) that hides at night every night in December and on rare occasions finds himself precarious spots. We don’t do elaborate scenes, it’s more of a “hide and seek”. The boys love searching for him every morning. On Christmas morning, he is always kneeling with Mary, Joseph and the camels in the nativity.
Every Christmas Eve we have a pajama party and watch Elf. Often we open one gift beforehand, which happens to be new pajamas.
When we aren’t with extended family, we make Jesus a birthday dessert and sing him “Happy Birthday”.
If you are in a tough season of not being able to participate in holiday celebrations like you used to, I hope you are able to create some new traditions that fit your family’s needs perfectly!
Written by Sarah McGuire
Safeguarding Your Marriage
In the early years our oldest daughter didn’t sleep. She would be up for hours and hours at a time in the middle of the night. Although I was the one who was mostly home during the week it truly was too much awake-ness for too long of an amount of time for one person to handle it all. Written by Laurisa Ballew
In the early years our oldest daughter didn’t sleep. She would be up for hours and hours at a time in the middle of the night. Although I was the one who was mostly home during the week it truly was too much awake-ness for too long of an amount of time for one person to handle it all. So my husband willingly took his fair share of night shifts. Turns out lack of sleep is super hard on relationships. I’m sure if you have a child that doesn’t sleep well you are very aware of this fact. Lack of sleep compounded with the stress of raising a child with any kind of special need calls for strong relationship skills. While we didn’t do everything right and there were often harsh things said and forgiveness needed I do think we had a few things in place that served our family and our relationship really well.
Pre-forgiven.
It didn’t take long for us to figure out the middle of the night weren’t our shiniest moments. So when frustration (and fatigue) got the best of us we chose to pre-forgive each other. My husband is very reasonable, he is kind and generous, and would almost always do anything to make my life better. Also, he has said some unkind things to me at 3am after getting no sleep. So the next day when one of us would apologize the other would respond with “pre-forgiven”. Meaning, “Hey, I know you, and 3am aren’t our best relational moments, so let’s acknowledge we are doing our best and move on” no big makeup conversation needed.
Time off.
From the very beginning my husband and I each had time to rest every week. Rest is vital for us. In fact if we look at the creation story Man rested on his very first day of existence. And then worked from his rest. So we made it a priority very early on to have 4ish hours a week to rest and recharge. This can be a challenge if you have a child that is very connected to one parent. But let me give you a bit of truth. YOU HAVE TO REST. And your spouse and your child WILL be okay if you step away for a few hours. It might be rough for both of them. But they need a parent who isn’t at their wits end. So it is vital to take time away and reset.
Time together.
Once a week(ish) we would find a bit of time to be together. Sometimes that meant a babysitter and a real date. Sometimes that meant unplugging from technology and playing a game or watching a movie during nap time or bed time. But it was something we valued and were extremely protective of. It is easy to forget that you like your spouse when fun feels rare and there is constant stress to manage. I even remember a coffee date at the hospital coffee cart during our daughters annual MRI.
Safeguarding your relationship while having a child with medical or special needs is so important. And done with intentionality.
“A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other”- unknown.
Laurisa Ballew is a nurse by trade and mother to a special needs child by fate. She fiercely believes hope and grief walk hand in hand in life, and that storytelling is the universal language that connects us all. Laurisa has three daughters and writes about the constant humility of parenting in her blog Raising A Sisterhood.
Chronic Grief and the Holidays
Next week is Thanksgiving and Christmas isn’t far behind! I love these holidays but for many families the holidays can be a sad time as they grieve loved ones who have been lost, relationships that have been severed or other difficult situations. Written by Jonathan McGuire
Next week is Thanksgiving and Christmas isn’t far behind! I love these holidays but for many families the holidays can be a sad time as they grieve loved ones who have been lost, relationships that have been severed or other difficult situations.
For families with children impacted by disability, this can also be a difficult time. There can be a grieving of lost family traditions, the mourning of distanced family relationships due to lack of understanding of your child’s disability, and grief related to how the disability impacts your child.
Don’t hear me say that there aren’t many wonderful things about our children or that they are somehow less than. I’m NOT saying that at all. Our children are fearfully and wonderfully made but that doesn’t mean we don’t grieve. This grief can even become chronic.
You may be thinking, “What is that? Chronic grief?”
With “typical” grief there is a definitive start point and while the timeframe varies from person to person, the person grieving eventually arrives at a place of acceptance and the grief generally diminishes. It may spike on significant dates such as birthdays and anniversaries.
With “chronic” grief, the loss is a living loss. At its core, there is a discrepancy between what is perceived as a painful reality on one hand and continues to be dreamed of on the other hand. The loss is ongoing since the source of the loss continues to be present.
Lorna Bradley had the following to say about the grief we experience as parents in this disability journey:
“All parents have hopes, dreams and expectations for the life of their child. There is an expected order to life with developmental milestones leading toward maturity and independence. With every milestone that is not met, every hardship the child faces related to their need, every struggle the parent faces as they care for their child, the parent is thrown back into grief with all its ferocity. The parent will eventually develop new dreams for their child and family but will always mourn the child and family life that never was.”
Are there things you are grieving this holiday season? Be assured, that you have a savior who gets it. Jesus was acquainted with grief intimately.
Isaiah 53:3 – A man of sorrows acquainted with deepest grief.
Hebrews 2:18 -Jesus was tested & suffered and is able to help those who are tested.
John 11:33-35 – Jesus wept over the death of Lazarus.
Hebrews 5:7-9 - He offered prayers & pleadings with a loud cry & tears to the One who could rescue him from death.
John 12:27 – My soul is deeply troubled.
Matthew 26:37-38 – He became anguished & distressed. His soul was crushed with grief to the point of death.
In this Thanksgiving and Christmas season, if grief is hitting you extra hard. Be assured that you are not alone. God is our helper and has given us a comforter.
Written by Jonathan McGuire
Jonathan McGuire is the father of two sons and the co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that comes alongside the parents of children impacted by disability on a spiritual and emotional level. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here.
Hope Anew has launched the Hope Anew Online Community and would love to have you be a part of it! You can learn more at www.HopeAnew.com.
When Being Thankful Is Hard As a Special Needs Parent
When being thankful is hard as a special needs parent––and let's not beat around the bush, watching our children struggle doesn't lend itself to loud hosannas––how do we approach Thanksgiving? How do we cultivate gratitude without sugar coating the challenges in our kids' lives? How can we be grateful when a child's condition is going from bad to worse, and we can find nothing to be grateful for? Written by Jolene Philo
When being thankful is hard as a special needs parent––and let's not beat around the bush, watching our children struggle doesn't lend itself to loud hosannas––how do we approach Thanksgiving? How do we cultivate gratitude without sugar coating the challenges in our kids' lives? How can we be grateful when a child's condition is going from bad to worse, and we can find nothing to be grateful for?
I stared down those questions more than once when our baby boy struggled to stay alive.
The first time was during my first Thanksgiving as a parent. By then our six-month-old had endured 2 major surgeries, a three week NICU stay, a week long PICU stay, two dozen early morning GI procedures, and an overnight hospital stay on Halloween weekend. I was sleep-deprived, grieving, and my breasts were sore after months of pumping milk for our tube-fed baby who could tolerate nothing but breast milk. The thought of being thankful for my child's precarious state of health and the pain our baby had endured was unimaginable. Cruel.
I couldn't do it.
The week after my thankless Thanksgiving, I did what proud, new parents everywhere do. I composed a Christmas letter, complete with pictures of our baby boy in his elf costume, to mail to the many friends and family members who had faithfully prayed for us since our son's birth. As I reread Luke 1 and 2, looking for a verse for the end of the letter, the story of Jesus' birth came alive for me in a way it never had before. For the first time, I understood the enormity of what God had done in sending His Son to earth to live among sinners and die to save them. I understood that while God knew the good that would come through the death of Jesus, the sacrifice he made broke his heart.
In that moment, for the first time since I had become a parent, gratitude flooded my soul.
Not for my son's condition. Not for the anguish my husband and I had experienced. Not for our son's life. Not for healing. Not for doctors. Not for modern medicine. Not for the family and friends who had rallied around us. Not for any of the things clueless people said should make me thankful as the parent of a child with special needs.
I was grateful because God, the ruler of the universe, knew my pain.
Instead of commanding me to be grateful, he shared my broken heart. He sat with me. He put his arm around me. He cried with me. He said, "I know. It hurts. Go ahead and cry. Borrow my hankie. Take as long as you need. I'm here for you."
When being thankful is hard as a special needs parent this Thanksgiving, remember that he is here for you too.
He's not asking you to be grateful for the challenges in your child's life. He's not asking you to deny your emotions. He's not asking you to act like everything is okay. He's not asking you to soldier on. He's asking you to lean into him. To cry on his shoulder. To cling to his compassion until one day, a day you can not yet imagine, you realize you have someone to be thankful for.
Jolene Philo is the mother of a son born with life-threatening special needs and the daughter of a father severely affected by multiple sclerosis. In her 25 years as an educator, she integrated children with special needs into her classroom. She’s written 5 books about caregiving, special needs parenting, and childhood PTSD. She recently co-authored a book with Dr. Gary Chapman about how parents of kids with special needs can use the 5 love languages in their families. Jolene speaks at conferences around the country and internationally, facilitates classes about childhood trauma for educators, and trains special needs ministry leaders and volunteers. She blogs at www.DifferentDream.com. She and her husband live in Iowa.
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Giving Thanks When You Don't Feel Thankful
When you are struggling to find things to be thankful for in everyday life, here are five truths about God that you can praise Him for this Thanksgiving season. Written by Jonathan McGuire
It’s two weeks from Thanksgiving. For many households around the United States, Thanksgiving means turkey dinner, pumpkin pie, family reunions and football. It will often include a round of everyone sharing something that they are thankful for.
What does Thanksgiving mean for you and your family?
When we were new to this journey, Thanksgiving meant trying to figure out how to feed our son his specialty diet at the larger family get togethers, sensory overload, and missing old traditions while trying to learn enough to make new traditions.
Perhaps this is where you find yourself. When you are in this spot, it can be difficult to find things to be thankful for and you may feel disingenuous trying to muster the energy to celebrate, when all you feel is overwhelmed.
When you are struggling to find things to be thankful for in everyday life, here are five truths about God that you can praise Him for this Thanksgiving season.
God is with you. – Psalm 23:4 “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and staff, they comfort me.”
He is in control.- Psalms 73:26 “My flesh and heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart.”
He understands your pain. – Psalms 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
You are loved – John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believe in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
He has a plan - 1 Corinthians 12:18 “But as it is, God arranged all the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose.”
This Thanksgiving, when you feel like you are overwhelmed and can’t take one more step forward. Pause, take a breath, and reflect on one of these truths. When you do this regularly, you will find your anxiety levels will decrease, your sense of peace will increase, and you will truly have something for which to be thankful.
Written by Jonathan McGuire
Jonathan McGuire is the father of two sons and the co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that comes alongside the parents of children impacted by disability on a spiritual and emotional level. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here.
Hope Anew has launched the Hope Anew Online Community and would love to have you be a part of it! You can learn more at www.HopeAnew.com.
Seeking Solace In The Pain
Over the coming months, I want to look at how we, as parents of children with special needs, tend to respond to the reality that we face on a daily basis. We do not suffer in the way that our children do. But we do far more than simply see these things happen to our children. We “suffer with” in a very real sense. The heartache is real, the concern is real. The pain is real. Written by Kevin O’Brien
Job tells the story of a man whose entire life was taken from him in a single day: his property and livestock stolen or destroyed, his servants and children killed.
Seven sons.
Five daughters.
7,000 sheep.
3,000 camels.
500 yoke of oxen.
500 donkeys.
“a large number of servants.”
“This man was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil” (Job 1:1 NIV) yet he was struck with the starkest of pains. Natural disaster and human evil together devastate Job’s life. Like us, Job cries out to God in despair. Job chapters 3 and 6 show the depths of that despair: he wishes that he had never been born, that God would grant him the release of death. He cannot eat, he cannot rest, he is completely undone.
If only my anguish could be weighed
and all my misery be placed on the scales!
It would surely outweigh the sand of the seas
Job 6:2-3a
As a parent of an autistic child, Job’s words feel familiar, I have felt the same sting. Of course, he suffered far more than I, his calamity is far greater than mine, but in his anguish I dare to call him brother.
The problem with the book of Job is that it doesn’t do the one thing that you want it to do. It doesn’t tell us why pain and suffering exist. We all ask why. We all want to know the reason for our suffering, that it somehow matters. We want it justified. And as a rule, we don’t get an answer to this question. The book of Job in particular and the Bible as a whole do not set out to give systematic reasons for evil and suffering. There are pointers to be sure, but more so there is an assumption that suffering is a part of the world we live in. The bigger questions then, are how does God relate to us in this suffering, and what is He doing about it. The question for us is how should we respond?
All too often we buy into the modern, western notions that everything should work out for the best in every situation and if it doesn’t then there has got to be an answer. We have to find some explanation, something or someone to blame.
Barring that, we may deny the reality of the suffering altogether because it seems to somehow contradict what we believe about God and the nature of his interaction with the world. Are we afraid of what will happen if the truth gets out? Are we afraid of what will happen to us, to our belief, our world if we don’t have nice neat answers? Sometimes I think so.
Over the coming months, I want to look at how we, as parents of children with special needs, tend to respond to the reality that we face on a daily basis. We do not suffer in the way that our children do. We do not experience the often overwhelming and pervasive issues of being misunderstood, of not being able to cope with things that others take for granted, of not being able to communicate or see the world in the ways that “everyone else” does. But we do far more than simply see these things happen to our children. We “suffer with” in a very real sense. The heartache is real, the concern is real. The pain is real.
I have found that there are basically four responses we parents of special needs kids have when confronted with the often stark, in your face reality of the suffering of our children and yes, our own suffering. Perhaps one, perhaps all of them reflect your experience:
Whose fault is this?
Why would God allow this to happen/why would God do this?
It is all the devil’s fault.
Fault? There is no fault, how dare you suggest that?
All four responses are entirely understandable, but none of them, I find, truly address the reality that we, and our children, face. I believe there is a better response. Harder, but better. It is realizing that God is a God who suffers with us.
So if any of these four responses feel familiar (or if all of them do) I invite you to take a journey with me to explore how we might better respond to the suffering we face.
Written by Kevin O’Brien
