Stages In The Parenting Journey Part 4
Stage 4: Momentum
The beloved house sold and the future we had dreamed of there was gone. We were out and temporarily living with Jonathan’s parents. What now? After evaluating our needs and resources: I needed a nearly new house that is mold free. We weren’t in a financial position to allow us to get that. One quarter to one third of our income was earned on the property with side businesses, so that was gone. We had very minimal household goods or furnishings, so furnishing an entire house at the same time wasn’t possible either. We also simply didn’t have a peace about buying another house right away.
As we considered these factors we thought, what better time to get an RV (they come furnished) and go on a cross country tour!?! We don’t have many belongings to store. Our work is already remote. With no housing expenses, we could afford a new travel trailer that would be mold free and warrantied. So, the idea took shape and we dove into researching living costs, depreciation, how-to’s, socialization, how the whole camping full-time thing works, memberships, etc. We left to pick up Ruby (our travel trailer) in Mississippi the day the shut-down order for Indiana came into effect at midnight. So exciting!!!
It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. We hit some snags. She flooded the first night we had her as the dealership had installed a washer/dryer unit and then removed it but had forgotten to shut off the water valve. There were some things that weren’t installed right like the front door and the outdoor kitchen door that had to be adjusted and replaced or latches that didn’t catch on closets and drawers. We actually had quite a list, but it was all covered under warranty. And from our research, we knew to expect several things like that as the first owners of an RV as everything shakes down. There may have been one oopsie that wasn’t covered under warranty and that made us thankful for insurance.
We spent hours upon hours researching, planning, dreaming new dreams, and getting set up. We used her for bedrooms, office, and school space for over four months throughout the pandemic as we have mooch docked (that’s the term for parking and plugging in at a friend or family’s property) and are looking forward to the adventure ahead and all the places she’ll bring us while having the comforts of home right with us. We did a trial trip to northern Michigan that showed us some things that are working and set up great and some that could be tweaked and made better. Already I’m healing and having more energy.
Ideally, to make the analogy between our traveling journey and the special needs journey, we would be a few months into our trip. We’d have our routines and patterns down. The learning curve would have leveled out. We would know how to navigate through all the memberships, and which are our favorite apps for each purpose needed – seriously, I think I have 5 apps for finding camping sites, 3 for navigation.
In the special needs journey, the same thing happens.
After the shock, disbelief, overwhelm, research, and initial interventions, therapist, doctors, crisis, etc. and the super steep learning curves involved in nearly every area of your child’s (and now your) life, it starts to level out. You now know what to do if X happens. You become an equipped advocate for your child. You still may not sleep well as you listen for the beep of that breathing machine, but you know exactly what to do should you hear it. You know when a therapist is absolutely NOT going to be a good match for your child before the child even meets them and avoid it by requesting they be assigned to a different therapist. You know to stock up on chocolate and tissues before the next IEP meeting. You hit your special needs parenting stride and while life isn’t easier, it is less overwhelming.
If the soul questions haven’t hit before now, they often do now. The immediate crisis and initial follow up has been handled and now there’s more emotional energy and time to stop, think, feel, and contemplate the drastic changes in your life. Even if you asked some initial “Why?” questions, they often go deeper now: “God where were you? Why did you abandon me? Us? God, why do you allow evil in the world? God, I’m so angry at you!!! Why didn’t you stop this? Why don’t you intervene? Does praying even work? Do you listen or hear at all? Are you real? Are you good? I don’t know if I believe in you anymore.” This can go into a full-blown questioning of your faith in God, who He is, if He exists, and your place in this universe.
These questions can last a few months or many years. They can lead to wrestling with all the questions and God and finding answers, tearing your faith down to its foundations and rebuilding, staying angry and bitter at God indefinitely, or to walking away from Him entirely.
It’s up to you. You may not be able to change how quickly you go through the process of settling doubts and questions, but you do choose whether you will continue to wrestle with God and your questions and doubts or if you walk away. It takes courage to ask unsettling questions and it takes strength and energy to continue to engage and wrestle. It’s messy and unpleasant. But, if you keep at it (even if it takes years) the rewards are life changing and immensely good as you’ll see glimpses of when we talk about Stage 5.
If you missed Stage 3, you can find it here.
Written by Sarah McGuire
