Too Much of a Good Thing?

Do you remember pre Covid-19 when you dreamed of working from home or having your spouse work from home? Do you remember when you thought it would be so wonderful to have more time with your family or you thought it would just be so great to have your spouse home more to help support you with the parenting load. 

We’ve been living the “new normal” for a little while now. How would you say it is going? Has working from home been everything you dreamed it would be? Some of you might be thinking, “It was great to begin with but you know what they say about having too much of a good thing.” 

Working from home had been a dream of mine. I envisioned a time that I would be more available for Sarah and when I would have more time with my family. As I prayed about future goals for our family, this became a prayer of mine.  Sarah and I have had the privilege of both of us working from home for the last eight years. She homeschooled the boys, while I worked in my office. 

What started out as bliss became “too much of a good thing” at times. One common scenario looked like this. Sarah would finally get the boys focused and I would come out with a work related question or asking her to review an email. I didn’t see the big deal because in my mind it would only take five minutes to answer the question.  In her mind it was a huge deal because she had just spent the last half an hour getting them to focus and it would take her another hour to regain the boys’ focus.

In order for working at home to work and for the dream to not become a nightmare, we had to establish boundaries and set up a system for handling the different things that came up throughout the day that we needed each other’s input on.   

Some of you might be finding yourselves  having this same struggle.  You’re not used to having this much time together and your routines are not working like they used to. You might find yourself dwelling on those little, or maybe not so little, irritations that come up throughout the day.

Here are four tips to help this extra family time to not become too much of a good thing:

1.  Talk about it with your spouse. Don’t lash out about it but calmly communicate the point of tension. Sarah was able to share with me how my interruptions were impacting the school day with the kids and we were able to develop a plan. As a side note, if both you and your spouse are reading this, be prepared for your spouse to talk to you. Be safe and loving. Don’t become defensive. Take responsibility and work with your spouse to develop a plan.

2. When you focus on the negative, it is easy to only see the negative. Take captive those little annoyances about your spouse, remember that they are the same person you fell in love with however many years ago, and don’t think about those things.

3. Choose to think about the positives of your spouse and make a list.

4. Share one thing with your spouse that you appreciate about them.

It has been eight years since we began working at home together. We have each grown in so many ways. There are still days where we struggle but those are fewer and our marriage is stronger.

Written by Jonathan McGuire

Jonathan McGuire  is  the father of two sons and the co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that comes alongside the parents of children impacted by disability on a spiritual and emotional level. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here.

Hope Anew has launched the Hope Anew Online Community and would love to have you be a part of it! You can learn more at www.HopeAnew.com.  Due to COVID-19, Hope Anew is waiving all membership fees for the community!

6 Ways To Care For Your Spouse

When your life revolves around caring for your kids, especially children with additional needs, it is easy to see why marriage can take a backseat. We’re in survival mode, and we know our spouses are able to take care of themselves. But that doesn’t mean they don’t need our love and support. 

There’s a higher divorce rate between couples with children with special needs, and I can totally see why. Marriage is hard enough, but when you add the challenges and stresses of special needs parenting, there are bound to be extra bumps in the marriage.

BUT...you made a commitment to love, honor, and cherish your spouse. Here are six ways you can do that:

1. Have a heart to heart. 

You and your spouse may have different ways of dealing with your child’s special needs.  They are probably dealing with this journey different than you. But that doesn’t mean they don’t care about your child. It doesn’t mean they’re not experiencing their own grief and struggles. It doesn’t mean you both don’t have goals and dreams for your family to not just survive, but to thrive together. 

Take time to listen to each other. Ask questions. Make plans together. Determine to travel this journey together. To fight together for your children, and to fight for each other.

2. Do one thing for your spouse that shows you were thinking of them.

We have a million things on our plate, thinking about doing something for our spouse may not be anywhere near our plate. But I encourage you to think about something you can intentionally do for your spouse that would mean a lot to them and show them you were thinking about them. If your spouse has asked you to do something and you’ve been procrastinating on it, choose to get it done to honor them. Or if they’ve briefly mentioned something they would like done or would like to do, make it happen. 

If you don’t know what your spouse would like done, just ask, you may be surprised! I used to think my husband wanted the kitchen clean, laundry done, floor swept, dinners cooked, the whole shebang, and I felt like I was failing him because I couldn’t do it all. So one day I asked him what is the number one thing he wanted done around the house.

I was surprised when he said he just wanted the papers around the house to be organized, that the piles of paper stressed him out. With the kids’ school work and therapy evaluations and IEP papers and mail and bills, papers just pile up and I am oblivious to them. They don’t bother me so I don’t think to organize them that often, but now that I know it bothers him, I intentionally set aside time each week to sort through, file, organize, and recycle papers. He always notices when I do it and feels honored. 

3. Take some time to do something fun together.

Yes, I know this one is easier said than done sometimes. Especially when it’s hard to get childcare. If you can get childcare or respite to go on a date, do it! Go somewhere fun, and enjoy yourself and your spouse’s company.

If you can’t get childcare, think of something creative you and your spouse can do at home. Sometimes my husband and I would have picnic dates after the kids went to bed. We’d eat a late dinner or a dessert on the living room floor on a blanket with candles and just talk. Or watch a movie. It wasn’t fancy, but it was special because we made it so and chose to just focus on us.

4. Gift something special for your spouse just because you love them.

You don’t have to wait for a special occasion to buy or gift something to your spouse that you know they would appreciate. It doesn’t even have to be something big. It could be a funny card that reminded you of them, or something they mentioned they would enjoy having, or you could make or buy their favorite dinner or dessert.

5. Let your spouse know what you love about them.

It can be easy to feel like we’re letting people down or we’re not doing enough until someone tells us otherwise, and then it makes our day and makes a stand a little taller. It only takes a minute to let your spouse know how much they mean to you, or how much you appreciate certain aspects or qualities about them. You could also send encouraging texts throughout the day, leave a love note somewhere they’d find it, get them a funny card they’ll appreciate and write a few things you admire about them. 

My husband used to travel a lot for work, and I made a habit of writing him a little love note or getting him a card and stashing it somewhere in his suitcase or backpack. He never said anything about any of those notes, but I kept doing it anyway. One day, while we were packing up to move, I found a stack of these love notes and cards in his Bible he keeps in his nightstand. He had kept and treasured them all.

6. Hug, kiss, hold hands, all that mushy stuff.

When my husband would come home from work, a lot of times I’d be busy cooking dinner or doing something for the kids that I’d barely even acknowledge my husband’s arrival. One day I felt really convicted of that. I wanted our home to be a place he wanted to come home to, where he felt loved and wanted and so I determined from then on that when he came home I’d stop what I was doing and give him a quick hug or kiss and let him know I was glad to see him.

Hugging, kissing, shoulder rubs, cuddling, holding hands--whatever your spouse’s favorite form of physical touch is, make sure you’re incorporating it. Sprinkled in throughout the day, they are encouraging reminders that your spouse loves you and wants to be with you.

You may or may not have noticed that all these suggestions cover each of the five love languages. If you know your spouse’s love language, make sure you are speaking their language most often! But regardless of what love language you or your spouse have, incorporating all of them will do wonders for your marriage, and for your spouse. If you want to learn more I encourage you to check out Jolene Philo and Dr. Gary Chapman’s book Sharing Love Abundantly in Special Needs Families: The Five Love Languages for Parents of Children with Disabilities.

You can also check out our latest podcast episode, where we discuss embracing our spouses and this special needs parenting journey.

Nurturing our marriage and our spouse is not only good for “the one our heart loves” (Song of Solomon 3:4), but it is also healthy for our own emotional well-being, and for our children to see that their parents love each other.

Written by Jenn Soehnlin

Bio: Jenn Soehnlin is a mother to two little lads who are precious blessings and who both have special needs. She is the author of Embracing This Special Life: Learning to Flourish as a Mother of a Child with Special Needs.

Jenn enjoys blogging about faith, praying scripture, and special needs parenting at www.embracing.life. You can also find her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

Safeguarding Your Marriage

In the early years our oldest daughter didn’t sleep. She would be up for hours and hours at a time in the middle of the night. Although I was the one who was mostly home during the week it truly was too much awake-ness for too long of an amount of time for one person to handle it all. So my husband willingly took his fair share of night shifts. Turns out lack of sleep is super hard on relationships. I’m sure if you have a child that doesn’t sleep well you are very aware of this fact. Lack of sleep compounded with the stress of raising a child with any kind of special need calls for strong relationship skills. While we didn’t do everything right and there were often harsh things said and forgiveness needed I do think we had a few things in place that served our family and our relationship really well.

1. Pre-forgiven.

   It didn’t take long for us to figure out the middle of the night weren’t our shiniest moments. So when frustration (and fatigue) got the best of us we chose to pre-forgive each other. My husband is very reasonable, he is kind and generous, and would almost always do anything to make my life better. Also, he has said some unkind things to me at 3am after getting no sleep. So the next day when one of us would apologize the other would respond with “pre-forgiven”. Meaning, “Hey, I know you, and 3am aren’t our best relational moments, so let’s acknowledge we are doing our best and move on” no big makeup conversation needed.

2. Time off.

   From the very beginning my husband and I each had time to rest every week. Rest is vital for us. In fact if we look at the creation story Man rested on his very first day of existence. And then worked from his rest. So we made it a priority very early on to have 4ish hours a week to rest and recharge.  This can be a challenge if you have a child that is very connected to one parent. But let me give you a bit of truth. YOU HAVE TO REST. And your spouse and your child WILL be okay if you step away for a few hours. It might be rough for both of them. But they need a parent who isn’t at their wits end. So it is vital to take time away and reset.

3. Time together.

   Once a week(ish) we would find a bit of time to be together. Sometimes that meant a babysitter and a real date. Sometimes that meant unplugging from technology and playing a game or watching a movie during nap time or bed time. But it was something we valued and were extremely protective of.  It is easy to forget that you like your spouse when fun feels rare and there is constant stress to manage.  I even remember a coffee date at the hospital coffee cart during our daughters annual MRI.

Safeguarding your relationship while having a child with medical or special needs is so important. And done with intentionality.

“A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other”- unknown.

Laurisa Ballew is a nurse by trade and mother to a special needs child by fate. She fiercely believes hope and grief walk hand in hand in life, and that storytelling is the universal language that connects us all.  Laurisa has three daughters and writes about the constant humility of parenting in her blog Raising A Sisterhood. 

"ETA Tonight?"

 Do you ever get loving texts from your spouse at the end of a long day? I sure do, in fact, my wife is great about it, and many times they include truly heartfelt sentiments, such as “hope you had a great day”, “love you and grateful for you”, “thank you for all your help”. My favorite, however, is the most simple of all, and one I received the very night I’m writing this: “ETA tonight?”.

 It just so happens to be a work night for me, which being a teacher during the school year, are both dreaded yet extremely needed, however it can put stress on my normally love texting spouse, especially since it means she’s the one taking our special needs child to one of a million therapies.

 Of course, it always seems like there’s a million therapies on the calendar, and from the beginning of the school year there are always multiple competing calendars. There is one for my school year, one for my fellow teacher spouse, and one for my son, both for school, and for the million after school therapies.  Just thinking about it makes me shiver, and I can’t help but wonder when my next legitimate break might be, but I can’t get too distracted, because I’ve gotten that most heartfelt of all texts... “ETA Tonight?”

 Let’s be serious, we all treasure the moments of space and quiet we get in those select few times. Currently, as I sit in the relative solitude of our local public library, a comfortable chair and work table facing a window with a view of the local creek that meanders through our town, cup of coffee at the ready and wifi stream overflowing, I consider how wonderful this is...for me. But then, the loving text about ETA rolls in, and I’m reminded, first of all, of the reality of the time I have, which is not very long.

My focus then turns to my wife, who is at home tonight with our son. She is at this very moment helping to get him to bed. This means going through all of our nightly rituals, beginning to fight the good fight to help our son go to sleep, but without me. Then I begin to think, does she need some help, is my son not in a great mood tonight and is she taking the brunt of his anger and frustration. Is she at her wits end and needing me to come to her aid?

 Slowly, I take a sip or three from my cup. I close the riveting binder of math curriculum I was excitedly working on. I stopped thinking of myself, and instead thought of my spouse, and my son, and how that simple two word phrase texted to me is enough to get me to move out of my comfort zone, and in doing so, bringing comfort to those I love.

Written by John Felageller

John lives in Northbrook, IL with his wife Elizabeth and his son Christopher (ASD), and is currently an Elementary Teacher at a Charter School in Chicago, IL.  He is a regular contributor to Key Ministry’s Special Needs Family blog, and is both a live presenter and on Key Ministry’s Facebook page. He coordinates a Special Needs Dads meet-up in his community and works with several other local Special Needs organizations that serve both parents and children.

 

Connect with John on his Facebook page here.

Romance, A Divine Design

As I shared last week, I’m a complete romantic. To my core. I love romantic books and movies. December rolls around and I get excited about the sappy movies that will soon be on television. Jonathan teases me saying, “Let me tell you what happens. Boy meets girl. Boy has an ugly sweater. Girl has a problem. It gets solved. They fall in love. The end.”  I grin and say, “Yup, isn’t it great! You want to watch with me?” That usually earns me a kind-hearted eye-roll. Yes, the story line is basically the same in all of them, but I don’t tire of it. I love all things about falling in love

When I find myself longing for something that seems impossible to attain or to attain fully, I find that it often points to a desire placed in me by God that will be fulfilled in eternity. I think romance is one of those longings.

The thing I love about romance is that it involves being known, chosen, desired, completely loved and adored for who you uniquely are. There is no disapproval or disappointment, only delight, delight in each other over all others.

 Throughout Scripture, there are several pictures of God’s relationship with us such as potter/clay, shepherd/sheep, father/child, as well as bridegroom and bride (that translates as “fiancé”). He has proposed. And when He returns for us, to bring us to the home He has been preparing, there will be a wedding celebration feast!

Hosea 2:16, 19-20 says, “When that day comes,” says the LORD, “you will call me ‘my husband’.” “I will make you my wife forever, showing you…unfailing love and compassion. I will be faithful to you and make you mine.”

 This story doesn’t just follow the typical plot line, it created the typical plot line. Boy loves girl. Girl has a problem (sin). Boy rescues girl (gives His life, pays the price owed by girl to get her out of her problem – I John 4:10). They fall in love. There’s a wedding!

Are you questioning the falling in love part? Does it feel like a long-distance relationship before the telephone? When the doctor handed you the diagnosis, your child is in surgery – again, you haven’t had a full night of sleep in years due to the breathing machine, your child has no friends and your heart breaks with their pain, when your spouse says, “I didn’t sign up for this” and leaves. It can all feel like God doesn’t care for you at all, let alone that He cares with unfailing love.

If that is where you are at, take time to contemplate that He defines love. He IS love (I John 4:8). He has chosen you and He takes “great delight in you” (Zeph. 3:17). He knows the number of hairs on your head (Matt. 10:30) and collects your tears in a bottle (Ps. 56:8) and promises to one day wipe every tear from your eye and to get rid of death, sorrow and pain forever (Rev. 21:4). How romantic is that!

 

I find that too often I walk through life consumed with my tasks and problems, totally unaware of the things my Fiancé has put all around me to show His love for me and that He’s thinking of me. If His love feels distant, ask Him to show it to you and then keep your eyes open for little things He puts in your path to say, “I love you. You are precious to me. Enjoy this, my darling”. Tonight, maybe look up in the sky and remember that your Fiancé actually did hang the moon for you.

Written by Sarah McGuire, Co-Founder of Hope Anew

Sarah McGuire  is the Mom of two boys and co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that comes alongside the parents of children with additional needs on spiritual and emotional level.

Living Out Happily Ever After

Pride and Prejudice, Anne of Green Gables, Anne of Avonlea, Maid in Manhattan, Sweet Home Alabama, Leap Year, While You Were Sleeping, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days these some of the movies I love and could enjoy over and over again. I’m sure you noticed a theme – romance. Yes, I’m a romantic. And not the tragic romantic type either. No Romeo and Juliet or The Notebook for me. So, I’m a romantic and an idealist. I like happy endings. If the tale is brimming with sorrow or the ending tragic, I’m never watching again.

I like idealistic relationships where man meets woman, they learn what the other person is like, some of their quirks, strengths, weaknesses, fall in love and live happily ever after. Yet, this isn’t  truly a reflection of real life is it?

 Some of it can be true, especially all the way up to the happily ever after part. But, that part is the hardest. Because “ever after” encompasses years or decades and is usually when the really hard stuff happens, all the stuff of daily life like making a living, raising kids, really learning each other’s strengths and weaknesses and how to mesh yours and his together in a way that works for both of you.

 If you add a child or two with disabilities to the mix, that’s a recipe for more stress and burden on a relationship. And if both spouses aren’t committed to the better or worse part of it, it can quickly come to The End.

How do we live out “happily ever after” when the unexpected challenges of a child with additional needs are added to our marriage? It’s simple, but not easy. It goes back to what every relationship needs: attention, time, less selfishness, looking for ways to communicate love and care to your spouse.

I don’t know about you, but it has been easy for me to overlook the needs of my husband because I got so consumed with the needs of our kids, especially when our youngest was in crisis. Crisis for him lasted for years. Yet, if we neglect to care for the relationship with our spouse, it won’t survive, or at least won’t be healthy and all that it could be. At most, it might quality for “ever after”, but without the “happily.”

 If you, like me, have neglected your spouse, I’d encourage you to find some way of letting him know you appreciate and respect him for who he is and what he does.

Here’s a few ideas:

1.     You make the arrangements for a date night he’ll enjoy, whether that’s going out or staying in.

2.     Get a candy kiss (or bag of chocolate covered coffee beans) and put it on his pillow with a note that says one or two reasons you respect and love him (i.e. “I respect you for continuing to show up to face the responsibilities of this family. You’re an amazing man, husband, and father.”)

3.     Text him during the day while he’s at work just to let him know you’re thinking of him and appreciate what a hard worker he is.

4.     Slip a short love note in his underwear so when he goes to get dressed in the morning he has a nice surprise to start his day and knows he’s been thought of. It doesn’t have to be elaborate. Small sticky notes work well.

Pick one that fits your family and, even better, your husband’s love language! What ideas have you tried with success?

Written by Sarah McGuire, Co-Founder of Hope Anew

Building Your Home & Your Marriage

At a bridal shower, I once heard the story of a young newlywed couple who were working intentionally on their marriage and good communication and loving each other well. They made the arrangement that they would greet each other at the door every day when the husband arrived home from work. If he had had a particularly challenging day at work, was not in a good mood and needed some extra space, understanding and TLC he would turn his hat (that he always wore) backwards. That way the wife knew to give him some extra grace, care and to take on more of the evening household duties. And vice versa, if the wife had had a particularly stressful day and needed extra measures of understanding, grace and TLC she would pin her apron up. This way the husband could take over making dinner, make an extra effort to listen and whatever else was needed. This was a great arrangement until the day when the husband arrived home with his hat backwards and met his wife at the door with her apron pinned up.

I don’t know about you, but when special needs entered our worlds, every day my apron would have been pinned up had we had this arrangement. Of course, no apron was needed…I wasn’t at the door to greet him. Dinner was not yet in the works, or if it was, it had only gotten as far as some chopped veggies on the counter with no further plan. Crying (our son’s) often could have been heard before he ever arrived at the front door or at least as soon as he opened it. Welcome home, Dear. If his hat was backwards, I wouldn’t have noticed.

These men of ours. These special needs dads. They are a special lot. They keep showing up. As men, they have the desire to fix it and make it better, but they can’t. Not for the child, not for their wife, not for the other kids.

Some dads (and moms) don’t stick it out. They say, “I didn’t sign up for this” and they are gone. If that’s your family’s story, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for your pain, loss and that you are alone to handle all the pressures now.

If your husband is faithfully showing up, I encourage you to take a minute or two to express your appreciation for who he is and all he does. It can be spoken or written. If you write it, he may tuck it away to read repeatedly, especially during times when he needs a reminder that he is valued. It doesn’t have to be ornate or long. If you have time and energy for a long letter, wonderful. But, short and sweet, even one line, can work just as well.

If you need some ideas to get you going, I suggest using one of these:

• “I’m so proud to be your wife because… (of your integrity, hard work, perseverance, courage, fortitude, thoughtfulness, humor, etc)”
•  “I respect you because…”
•  “Our family is so fortunate to have you because…”

Proverbs 14:1 says, “A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands.” I’ve seen women who criticize, put their husbands down or tell him what he is currently doing or providing isn’t enough. These women are tearing down their homes with their own hands. I’ve also seen women who build their husbands up speaking into their souls words that encourage and empower.

What can you do today to help build your home and your husband?

Written by Sarah McGuire Co-Founder of Hope Anew

4 Steps To Better Communication

Parenting is hard work… As a parent of a child impacted by special needs, you will have to work even harder.  Advice that you hear experts giving other parents often doesn’t work with your family.  This makes one piece of expert advice even more critical…communicate.

If you are married, the need for you to communicate with each other is key.  It is easy to get discouraged, not know what to do, or not know what to say.  It is imperative that you work together to come up with a game plan so you know that you are both on the same team, not working against each other.

Our son has a hard time communicating with me, especially when he is struggling with a decision I have made. During these times, he will go and talk to his Mom about it. She listens (so he feels heard, understood and calms down) and then coaches him on how to come back and talk with me. Notice, she doesn’t just listen to his side and overrule what I told him. She and I have an understanding about what she is doing during this time and instead of me being offended, I can recognize it for what it is and see the value of what is happening – he is getting training in how to handle conflict and how to communicate in a more effective way.  However, if Sarah and I hadn’t talked about this, it could easily appear that he was just going behind my back in these conversations.  She had to intentionally take time to communicate with me how he was feeling and what she was doing with these conversations.

Communication is difficult.  There is never enough time and we are all so unique in how we process things that it is easy to interpret a word or glance incorrectly.  Here are four tips to improve how you and your spouse communicate:

1. Set an appointment – If there is something the two of you really need to discuss, don’t just dive in right before bed but let your spouse know you need to talk and find out when would be good for them.
2. Be present – Make eye contact, put away the cell phone, laptop and other distractions.  Don’t interrupt or jump in with solutions.
3. Reflect – Summarize back to your spouse what you think you are hearing them communicate.
4. Determine – Was this informational?  Did your spouse just need to vent or do you need to work together for a solution?

How are you and your spouse doing with communicating? We want to hear from you.  What helps you and your spouse stay on the same page?