Thriving When First World Problems & Caregiving Problems Dominate Our Daily Lives

First world problems and caregiving problems are dominating my life right now. They’ve made re-entry after a month-long trip to celebrate my husband's retirement rather rocky. Here are a few examples of what’s been happening.

The installation of our new heating and cooling system required punching numerous holes in our walls…including my office. The work was supposed to be completed while we were gone, but won’t be done for weeks or possibly months.

That’s a first world problem.

Hospice re-evaluated my mother after she had bouts of major confusion and agitation while we were gone, but she still doesn’t qualify for their services.

That’s a caregiving problem.

The morning after a heavy rain, we discovered a leak in the new addition just as a workman came to deal with a backed up basement drain.

First world problem followed by first world problem.

My mother keeps asking when she gets to move in with us. I keep telling her that as long as work delays continue and our walls are pocked with holes, it’s not safe for her to move in.

That’s a caregiving problem solved by a first world problem.

That final confluence of first world problems and caregiving problems got me thinking about how they’ve impacted my life in the past.

Our newborn son’s condition at birth was an age old problem. His diagnosis and surgery at birth caused a host of complications and subsequent surgeries. Those complications were first world problems.

Had our son been born in a different country, not to mention in a different day and age, he wouldn’t be alive today. In other words, first world solutions for his condition caused first world problems and caregiving problems that our family dealt with for years.

During those years, all my thoughts, all life revolved around my son.

Was he getting sick again?

Did he need another surgery? Another test? Another procedure?

Could I pump enough milk to nourish his body?

Would he ever sleep through the night so we could sleep through the night?

Only rarely did my focus move from the immediate, the urgent, and the life-threatening to a broader perspective.

Only rarely–very rarely–could I move beyond myself and our son and see the blessings God had bestowed through our first world problems.

Our son was alive.

Many surgeons had the training to correct his birth anomaly.

His prognosis was good.

We had a supportive network of friends and family.

We had excellent insurance.

We had good jobs and understanding employers.

On the few occasions when I found the wherewithal to reflect upon the goodness of our first world problems in combination with the caregiving problems they caused, my heart beat faster. My breath caught. Tears flowed.

I saw the goodness and wisdom of the One who will wipe away every tear from our eyes in a world where there will be no more death, mourning, crying or pain (Revelation 21:4).

I saw, not the first world and the problems it creates,

nor my caregiving world and its problems,

but the world to come.

The promise of that world is where you and I can find the hope, compassion, strength, and endurance needed to thrive when first world problems and caregiving problems dominate our daily lives.

Written by Jolene Philo

Jolene Philo is the mother of a son born with life-threatening special needs and the daughter of a father severely affected by multiple sclerosis. In her 25 years as an educator, she integrated children with special needs into her classroom. She’s written 5 books about caregiving, special needs parenting, and childhood PTSD. She recently co-authored a book with Dr. Gary Chapman about how parents of kids with special needs can use the 5 love languages in their families. Jolene speaks at conferences around the country and internationally, facilitates classes about childhood trauma for educators, and trains special needs ministry leaders and volunteers. She blogs at www.DifferentDream.com. She and her husband live in Iowa.

The Practice of Breath Prayers

When life is swirling around feeling like it's out of control and we are completely exhausted, feeling bad about our personal health, spending too much time worrying, dealing with the same challenges day after day after day, it feels almost insulting for people to ask or talk about rest.   There is no space for rest.  The moment I take time to “rest” things fall more apart. Let’s be honest, even trying to use the bathroom is an ordeal sometimes, and a shower...please, not happening, right?  If there was a way to slip in effective moments of rest without doing any preparation, and without truly removing oneself from the needs of life, this could be a lifeline we need.  

There’s a practice I was introduced to in a mentoring class at our church called “breath prayers.”  This technique has helped me effectively recenter myself and get the lasting moments of rest I need throughout the day.  Engaging in the practice of breath prayer is an opportunity to exchange my stress and worry for peace with God.  While it is taught to be more of a full body meditation of breathing and relaxing the areas of our body we are holding stress, I find myself using breath prayers all the time without dedicating a place and time for quiet.  Engaging in this intimate communion with God is effective, and God ministers to us in exchange for the moments we turn our thoughts to Him, even if we are keeping a watchful eye on our kids.  

There is solid science behind taking time for the practice of breath prayers.  Breath prayers increase oxygen to our brain as our sympathetic nervous system is engaged when we are feeling nervous, anxious or stressed. This is our fight or flight response. Our body’s typical response when the sympathetic nervous system is engaged is increased heart rate, respiratory rate, sweating, interruptions to our digestive system and more. Intentionally working against these negative responses by engaging the parasympathetic nervous system is the science behind breath prayers. The parasympathetic nervous system promotes the maintenance of the body at rest.  Controlled breathing, paired with scripture, is what helps our body engage the parasympathetic nervous system and reconnect with God, rest and continue to press on with his strength and provision. 

Spend some time building your breath prayers and memorizing short scripture verses that speak to you in your times of need.  Breath prayers typically have 2 parts, an inhale and an exhale.  

Some scripture I love in the context of a breath prayer are:

Matthew 6:8-- (inhale) Father, you know (exhale) what I need.

Joshua 1:9 --(inhale) Do not be afraid (exhale) do not be discouraged (inhale) for the Lord my God (exhale) is with me always.

Psalm 46:10 (inhale) Be still (exhale) and know I am God.

Once you have chosen your breath prayer scripture,  inhale and exhale very slowly as you recite the words of the scripture to yourself. Breathe in deeply and slowly through your nose and feel your lungs fill completely. Try to focus on deeply filling your lower lungs/diaphragm so that your stomach expands while your upper chest remains still. Then slowly breathe out. The exhale should be the longest. Empty your lungs slowly and fully. Meditate on the words of the scripture as you breathe. Repeat several times over and over calming your body and mind more and more with each deep, intentional breath. 

I like to close my breath prayers with one final breath prayer--

(inhale) I am entrusting my _____ to you, Jesus (exhale) and let go of ______.

In a small matter of time, you have intentionally and effectively calmed your heart, mind and body, while connecting with God.  Even without changing your situation, or leaving the things at hand.

Written by Naomi Brubaker

Naomi is a mom of 3 girls ages 7, 5, and 2.  Her oldest daughter is diagnosed with ADHD and a visual processing disorder.  Her family lives in Richmond Virginia where Naomi leads the special needs ministry at their church.  Her background in special education and ability to understand parents from her experiences with her daughter give her a unique perspective in her role at the church.  Naomi loves to run, sew and take walks with her husband with any free time she has. 

"Status Quo"

The phrase “status quo” has popped up a few times recently in conversations and in things I have been reading, which got me thinking about my feelings regarding things being “status quo” or not.  Status quo is used to describe a normal state of affairs, not bad, not good, but mostly unchanging.  When people describe their life as in a state of status quo, it’s describing their normal.  Although this sense of normalcy has dramatically shifted over the past 12+months and settled into a new place and feels like globally is shifting once again.  This idea of things feeling like they may be in a state of status quo hit with a stinging reality as I reflected on my life.  What would the status quo look like for me? What would the simplicity of a day to day routine that felt very much normal be? What would it be like to not be navigating the ups and downs of crisis but just moving through the normalcy of life?  Maybe, status quo is not fantastic, but maybe it is not filled with as many curve balls as my life feels like it has. 

I have heard it said that Jesus came to disrupt the status quo.  I can see this in the way he gave most of his attention to people who were not regarded as important.  You see this further in his disruption of religious laws that became the focus of worship rather than God.  And who the Jews expected to be the messiah, was not Jesus.  They expected a powerful ruler, not a baby born in a manger.  I think the feeling like things are not status quo is ok.  I think navigating the change and up’s and down’s of life that don’t feel routine or normal are ok too.  It’s how we respond to these unsettling circumstances that are important.  It feels like this is what I signed up for, things not ever being normal as we serve and trust God more.  

As we continue to navigate life that feels disrupted by circumstances, family, children, jobs or joblessness and more here are a few big picture thoughts to come back to:

Let GOD be GOD- Many times I remind myself “You have faith in God for a reason, let Him be in this with you.”  We must remember who is in control ultimately and not try to sabotage what God is doing in us and through us.  Don’t let fear take away from the growing that God is doing in these times that feel upside down, but actually pull closer to God and ask him to show you more clearly the purpose. The familiar story from the Gospels of Matthew, Mark and Luke of when Jesus calms the storm is a good reminder of the vast power and control the Lord has over everything. 

Jesus  replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. The men were amazed and asked, “What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!” Matthew 8:26-27

Keep moving forward- The tendency to let fear to hold us in a state of indecision can be problematic.  Keeping momentum even when things are not what we had hoped is important.  Every morning before school, my girls pick out a mantra from a list we heard about from Big Life Kids.  Many mornings these simple statements the girls pick for themselves stick in my mind as I go through the day. Two common statements chosen are “ My imperfect action is better than no action at all” and “I have grit and I won’t quit.”.  These simple statements remind all of us to move forward through the hard and continue on.  Building a mindset of positive, forward motion through the things that don’t feel normal is healthy.  

The Lord encourages us as he encouraged Joshua to keep moving forward and lead the Israelites into the promised land - “Be strong and courageous, do not lose hope, for the Lord your God is with you.”Joshua 1:9

Be generous-  The idea of generosity can be molded into many different domains of our time, resources, words, etc, but in the end- the act of giving ends up returning some vital things when we are in a season of chaos.  A few of the benefits of generosity noted in the Pyshalive article are that generosity improves our sense of purpose, deepens relationships and connections, and reduces stress.  All of these benefits are what we are looking for when we are seeking a sense of status quo that we can not find.  In these circumstances where we feel like the bottom is falling out we must remember where our heart is rooted.  

 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.  But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Matthew 6:19-21

It feels like most days my family is living our life on the edge and I don’t think we are that unusual in those feelings.  We have weathered unexpected changes, and detours and sit in the present place trying to put the pieces in order to make sense looking ahead.  Looking behind us feels like a trail of wreckage that we call our life.  The only thing keeping us together is that we are graciously provided what we need for today. When I feel like my life is moving towards chaos, I remind myself of what is true and practice the things that bring me back to my root system of our loving God.

Written by Naomie Brubaker

Naomi is a mom of 3 girls ages 7, 5, and 2.  Her oldest daughter is diagnosed with ADHD and a visual processing disorder.  Her family lives in Richmond Virginia where Naomi leads the special needs ministry at their church.  Her background in special education and ability to understand parents from her experiences with her daughter give her a unique perspective in her role at the church.  Naomi loves to run, sew and take walks with her husband with any free time she has. 

The Shell Of Many Colors

“He is not here, for he has risen, as he said. Come, see the place where he lay.”

(Matt., 28:6, ESV).

This past Good Friday I had my son with me for an overnight visit. Being a now divorced dad, there are many challenges that naturally come up, but one very important one is how our autistic son will be supported in his Christian faith. For my part, I have sought out a new church with a special needs ministry that we could attend together, try to keep up with Bible reading when we can, and of course celebrate the holidays.

For a change, I decided to attempt coloring Easter eggs with him on my own for the first time. It might not seem to be any big deal to parents of typical kids, but in our house doing something as trivial as coloring easter eggs can be a big job. While I know my son understands what coloring Easter eggs is over all of these years, he still struggles with the motor control to independently control and dip the eggs, and of course he deals with sensory issues which encourage him to want to stick his hands in and splash the water. But I still felt it was an important bonding activity for the two of us, so I purchased the eggs and the kit, set up everything as orderly and neatly as I could, and we endeavored to color some eggs. Since he is non-verbal, I also set up his Ipad with his communication app next to the setup, so that he could tell me what colors he wanted to use. When it was all ready and I called him over to the table, I of course took the obligatory picture of him pointing to the colors that he liked best.

An activity like this could truthfully be pretty quick, as I just ask my son the colors he likes, assist him in dipping them into the coloring, and lay them down to dry, simple. But as people of faith, I want him to know that this is about more than just doing something fun. The eggs represent rebirth and new life, and more specifically the act of Jesus coming out of the tomb on Resurrection Sunday. I paused to reflect though on what this  meant for me and my son doing this together, as that visual of emerging from the egg had bigger connotations in that moment. I thought about this hopefully being the beginning of the end of the covid pandemic, and our whole population coming out of quarantine. I also thought about my son’s own condition as a non verbal child, and how him being able to use his device to communicate his wants was also a way of him coming out of the shell of his speech impediment. 

Watching the eggs dry, I gazed as the wet colors settled on the shells, forming their intricate swirls and patterns, contemplating their uniqueness. Just like each one of those eggs, they are unique and beautiful in their own way, manifesting the colors of God’s love, wrapping around the hardened shells of doubt and fear. It is a wonderful reminder that everything can change in the blink of an eye, as soon the shells will break, and the tomb will open, revealing the glory that was hidden inside.

Written by John Felageller

Follow John on his website: www.johnfelageller.com

Which Christian Parenting Resources are MOST helpful?

In the last blog post, You’re Grounded!!! I alluded to how the first few years of Jonathan and my parenting journey and how we were doing discipline was NOT working. We were following the best of the parenting classes from Bible school and church and books recommended to us and getting a kid who became angrier and angrier. We knew something HAD to change…and it was us and how we were parenting, not our kid.

Today, I share with you:

1. Resources we have read and tried

2. Resources that dramatically changed our and our kids’ lives for the better

Disclaimer: our kids are currently teenagers. We are in the midst of this parenting journey. We are learning too. Currently, our teenagers are delightful. They are a joy and pleasure to be around (most of the time!). We do not fit the stereotypical picture of regular teenage/parent conflict. I’m loving this age and stage and hope this type of relationship continues. However, we don’t know how our kids will do in adulthood or what choices they’ll make once there or at any point on their way there. We pray for wisdom as we continue on this journey.

The following resources are loosely listed from least helpful to most helpful for our family. We’ve read and studied more, but these are the ones that came to mind.

Resources we read, studied, &/or applied early in our parenting journey that we may have gleaned some from, but didn’t get us where we wanted to be in our parenting:

1.     Don’t Make Me Count to Three by Ginger Hubbard

2.     Growing Kids God’s Way

3.     Dr. James Dobson’s books

4.     Child Training Tips by Reb Bradley

5.     Love & Logic by Jim Fay & Charles Fay

6.     Give Them Grace by Elyse Fitzpatrick

7.     Shepherding A Child’s Heart (the anger management/training/maturity ladder was helpful) by Ted Tripp

Resource that we think are excellent, the last 2 have heavily influenced our parenting:

1.     Parenting by Paul David Tripp

2.     How to REALLY love Your Child by Ross Campbell

3.     Sally Clarkson’s books (there’s more I need to read!!!) & podcast

4.     Sharing Love Abundantly In Special Needs Families by Gary Chapman & Jolene Philo

THE #1 most helpful and robust parenting tool we have found:

As a side note, you can listen to our podcast interview with Jim and Lynne here. What resources have been helpful to you in your parenting journey?

Written by Sarah McGuire

Sarah McGuire  is the Mom of two boys and co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that guides parents to Christ-centered hope and healing. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here. You can also check out Hope Anew’s Online Community here!

Due to COVID-19, Hope Anew is waiving all membership fees for the community!

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Hope Anew is an Amazon Affiliate and as such earns income from the affiliate links listed above.

The Parenting "Long Game"

PARENTING can be a loaded word- it’s personal and relational and it comes in long stages.  There is joy mixed with fatigue and confusion.  It seems like, as a parent, we are often experiencing the polar ends of emotions.  Moments of hope are fleeting and followed by despair.  We are on mountain tops and sinking into the valleys in a matter of minutes.  You can read many parenting books and blogs, listen to podcasts and talk to professionals, as well as trusted friends and still feel like you are in the dark.  Sometimes we end up more overwhelmed than before we started looking for answers.  All this messiness is because parenting is personal and our kids are each unique. Additionally we bring our own mixed up parenting perspectives into the relationship to add to the emotional confusion.  Even within a family unit, parenting multiple children can look very different.  

On top of all of that, we take the outcome very personally.  We place the value of our parenting in the goodness of our children.  Am I an effective parent because my kids made it through dinner in a restaurant without making a scene?  Did my children exhibit kind, respectful behavior at a friend's house because I taught them all the polite things? And on the negative side of things; is my child going to struggle forever because I am failing in parenting?   The idea that our worth as a parent is a result of their good or bad behavior is FALSE.  The two ideas are not connected.  The true source, of both our worth and our goodness, comes from the Father, the same is true for our children. 

I have 3 girls, ages 8, 6 and 3, and parenting each of them the same way would be ineffective and unfair.  Parenting becomes personal because each child is unique. We have done a lot of ground work to establish the rules and values of our family.  Although the house rules and family values are the same, the way they have learned and experienced this varied.  We have gone through a lot of hard work to get here and now the lessons are learned through them trying out what we have taught them and feeling the consequences of their actions and independence. 

Take a look at the long game of being a parent.  The goal is not that they put their toys away, or tidy up their room, or have impeccable table manners.  The goal is that they have self-respect, compassion towards others, take responsibility  and can positively contribute to their family, community and the world through their own unique giftings. 

This long game perspective makes parenting highly relational. 

I felt like my family had a season where we were losing our relationships for the rules.  There was very little joy or fun and it was a battle over who was more persistent. The result was negative and loss of the relational ground we needed to be building with our daughters. Slowly that stage of parenting has shifted as well as our perspectives and their needs. 

What feels like we are in a hard phase that will never end; slowly, we are actually moving to a new place almost overnight and there is light.  I have appreciated the 4 phases of parenting outlined as Commander, Coach, Counselor and Consultant by “Focus on the Family”.  I can recognize that when it felt like a battle ground in our house, we were likely in the middle of the commander stage with 3 young kids. And now we have progressed to some coaching and some commanding as the kids have aged.  Don’t lose the relationship over the rules, don’t linger too long in the a stage, push yourself and your child to stretch when the time is right.  Don’t be afraid to return there when needed. Always remembering, the character and care of our heavenly father is being extended to us in these stages as we navigate life as well.  

After months of being “off” my parenting game due to moving, COVID, virtual school and so many other disruptions I feel like I have had to go back to the “commander” stage more than I would like.  I try to balance this with intentional time to build the relationship individually with each of my kids.  Today, we had a longer day of chores, but focused on the relationship as I took two daughters to get their nails done and later made a secret dessert for the family with another.  I feel more effective as a parent when I have made these relational efforts with my kids.  And I feel more effective as a parent when I make relational efforts with God. 

Invite God into the struggles and joys of parenting by prayer and worship.  He wants to share in this process, as He is a supportive, loving, present father.  

Written by Naomi Brubaker

Naomi is a mom of 3 girls ages 7, 5, and 2.  Her oldest daughter is diagnosed with ADHD and a visual processing disorder.  Her family lives in Richmond Virginia where Naomi leads the special needs ministry at their church.  Her background in special education and ability to understand parents from her experiences with her daughter give her a unique perspective in her role at the church.  Naomi loves to run, sew and take walks with her husband with any free time she has. 

Adventures In Faith

What feels like a very long time ago, I was in a unique situation.  It was an opportunity for me to be used by God as a means to bring peace and comfort to a whole family without me even realizing it.  My husband and I were traveling to visit my grandparents in Florida. We were leaving from our small Richmond airport.  We always look around for people we may know or recognize even when in larger airports, because you never know who else is on the go.  I did not recognize anyone around our terminal, but recognized a very familiar sound.  I turned to my husband and said, “That’s J!”.  He was surprised that I could recognize a child by the sounds and his voice in this busy airport. 

I spotted them in the terminal seating area and went over to introduce myself. I taught at this boy’s small private school for kids with autism in another classroom. The whole family was traveling to Florida for an experimental trial and then of course Disney.  They were nervous and so was J.  I could tell by the sounds he was making that he was teetering on the edge of a meltdown in the middle of the airport.  I feared what a small space of the airplane would feel like for him.  I told the family that if they needed any help while on the plane to come find me and I gave them my seat/row number.  

We all boarded the plane, J and his family were close to the front on the plane, while my husband and I were towards the back.  Not long after taking off, the seatbelt light clicked off and almost immediately J’s sister was at my row.  Out of breath, she quickly said, “Were you serious about helping us?”  I kindly said “Yes” and left my husband to see how I could be of any support to this family.  When I got to J’s row, his mom was sitting next to him trying to calm him down.  The look of panic was replaced with relief when she saw me standing there willing to help.  She simply said “I just don’t know what to do.”  I told her it was totally fine and she could sit with my husband if she wanted to during the flight.  She passed over the reins of her intricate boy and bag of goldfish and breathed a timid breath as she walked back to my old seat.  

J and I settled in for an exciting 2 hour ride to the Orlando airport.  I used lots of distraction techniques to help him stay seated in the small confines of his seat.  I helped him use the tiny bathroom with the VERY loud toilet and wash his hands in a sink unlike any he had used before.  We ordered drinks and snacks and talked about what it was like to be in the clouds.  There were moments when I thought I was going to have a bad situation on my hands, and then we recovered into a safe space.  It really tested my ability to remain calm and loving to him in this environment packed with people.  We landed in Florida and got off the plane and we all reunited in the terminal space, me with my husband and J with his family.  They asked when my return flight was so we could travel together on the way back.  It felt so good to be able to care for this family during the stress of traveling.  It is a plane ride I will never forget.  

I am so proud of this family’s bravery to ask for help.  There are so many times I am hesitant to ask for help because I don’t want my own weakness exposed, especially when it comes to my parenting. 2 Corinthians 12:19 says exactly this- "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. “

I honor this family's ability to recognize their needs and their limits while still stepping out of their comfort zone to travel and stretch themselves. 

Psalm 16:5-6 says, “Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup,  you make my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.” God has given us limits for our good and we must recognize and honor them. 

This family trusted God would provide and they trusted me, a complete stranger.  This trust allowed them to widen the circle of care not only for their son, but for their whole family.  They kept their eyes open to what God’s provision would look like and acted when they needed. The family stuck together and supported each other in this challenging circumstance.  Rather than blaming or feeling guilty, they celebrated the fact they could receive help.  

Now as a mother, traveling feels as exhausting as it must have for this family…it feels scary too.  Will I be able to provide for the needs of my family when we step away from our systems, structure, predictability and comforts of our home?  The answer is unfortunately “no”, I will not be able to provide and protect as I typically do, but God will. Not only that, leaving the comfort zone and relying on God brings growth, family unity and adventure. 

So, plan for God to step in where you know you will not be enough and be ready when He brings unlikely answers to your needs.

Written by Naomi Brubaker

Naomi is a mom of 3 girls ages 7, 5, and 2.  Her oldest daughter is diagnosed with ADHD and a visual processing disorder.  Her family lives in Richmond Virginia where Naomi leads the special needs ministry at their church.  Her background in special education and ability to understand parents from her experiences with her daughter give her a unique perspective in her role at the church.  Naomi loves to run, sew and take walks with her husband with any free time she has. 

Making Memories Where We Are

Travel.  Wait, what does that word even mean?  It’s been so long since I’ve traveled I almost can’t remember our last real pack a suitcase vacation.  I bet a lot of us feel that way after the year that has just passed.  Many families have been home and kind of grounded from travel. If they have traveled it’s been mostly with the members of their household.  As I watched how people were affected by that and how they responded to having to stay home rather than travel or forego the multi-family beach house, it got me thinking.  I started thinking about how it didn’t feel all that different to me.  I thought about how I’ve been watching families experience travel and vacations from the pages of my social media accounts for years, while seated on the same couch cushion of my sofa.  It dawned on me that this past year gave other families just a taste of how families like mine often function.  

Every member of my immediate family loves to visit and explore new places.  There are various reasons that our opportunities to vacation have virtually come to a standstill, one of them being finances. The cost of therapies and such can add up, and really do a number on your disposable income.  Another reason is that certain invitations to travel that were once there, are no longer there.  None of the reasons, though, are the needs of our exceptional child directly.  Our family could easily accommodate those.  Families in our position know how to make the correct arrangements and preparations. 

If this is your situation, please know that you are not at all alone. For our family, regardless of these hurdles, we were determined to still get out there and experience wonderful times outside of our home.  We’ve really found great ways to work around the obstacles and continue to see new places and find what we like to call “adventures''.  Our adventures consist of day trips doing anything we can find with the one requirement of being back home by bedtime. I’ve become our resident adventure planner, and my family has come to depend on these day trips.  So much so, that the first thing I’m asked on a Friday afternoon is, “Where is our adventure this weekend, Mom?”  

They may not be the same as a week in some fancy resort, but our little day trips have really added to our life experience.  You don’t have to miss out on getting away, just because of your family's differences.  It can just look different.  We’ve visited landmarks and historical spots that I never knew about.  We’ve had beautiful days in state parks and on the beach. We even found an app that guided us through a driving tour of Washington DC!   I do my best to plan every detail, so I can pack our minivan chock full of anything and everything we will need for the day.  With certain food restrictions among us, and special diets, I stock the backseat with a cooler full of approved, but exciting, choices for snacks and meals. We really make a pretty big deal out of these trips.  I tuck in special blankets and use fun pillowcases, to help make that van seat cozier than just a typical weekday trip to the grocery store.

I think it all boils down to finding the joy right where we are.  I don’t mean physically, but more where we have found ourselves right now in life.  Travel does not need to be extravagant to be memorable.  Sure, it may be a while before we’re planning our family adventure to DisneyWorld. In the meantime, though, I can’t think of anything more joyful than the look on my children’s faces as they hop into that loaded up Honda Odyssey bound for a day spent discovering and making beautiful memories.

Written by BreAnn Tassone

BreAnn is a wife and mother to two beloved children.  Her 8 year old son is twice exceptional and has been diagnosed with PANS/PANDAS, and her 3 year old daughter is his most incredible advocate.  They both bring joy to this world in their own individual ways. BreAnn lives with her family in central Virginia.  She is a former Special Education teacher and serves as a volunteer at her church within the special needs ministry.  She is a homeschooler and coordinates groups and events within her community to support the childhood experience of her neighbors and friends. It is her conviction that all children benefit when all children are included, accepted and can live this life learning from and supporting each other.

2 Mental Health Red Flags for Caregiving Parents

2 mental health red flags for caregiving parents? Are you kidding me? I’m waving at least a dozen red flags every day!

That would have been my reaction to the title of this post when I was in the thick of caring for a medically-fragile kid. In fact, that would have been my reaction as recently as a month ago. But I had a lightbulb moment between then and now.

The lightbulb moment came while I facilitated a class for teachers about post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in kids. We were discussing childhood symptoms, also known as behaviors, displayed by traumatized children. The class members wanted to know what kinds of behaviors are indicators that the trauma has evolved into PTSD.

“It’s not so much the kind of behavior,” I explained, “because most kids display these kinds behaviors at one time or another. “Red flag indicators for me are the intensity and duration of the behavior. An example would be what happens after telling 2-year-olds they can’t have a cookie. More than likely, a 2-year-old will throw a tantrum. However, 2-year-olds living with unresolved trauma and PTSD will pitch magnificent fits that are long and loud. That’s intensity.

Similar tantrums continue to occur whenever these 2-year-olds are denied anything long after the child should have moved past the terrible 2s. That’s duration.”

The words had barely come out of my mouth before the lightbulb turned on: Intensity and duration of behaviors can be 2 mental health red flags for caregiving parents, too.

I mean, let’s face it. Parents raising kids with special needs and disabilities face plenty of attacks on their mental health, including traumatic stress. Such as the stress of overwhelming, unrelenting caregiving demands. The trauma of sending a child off to surgery or hearing the heart monitor flatline. The stress of trying to manage unmanageable behaviors. The trauma of a receiving a difficult diagnosis.

Stressed and traumatized parents who want to be proactive about their mental health can do so by assessing the intensity and duration of their own reactions in certain situations.

For example, it’s normal for parents of kids who were hospitalized to avoid visiting hospitalized family and friends for a while. But it’s not normal if that parent has a racing heartbeat or sweaty palms while driving by a hospital. That’s intensity. It’s also not normal for that reaction to continue years after a child’s final hospital stay. That’s duration.

It’s normal for parents to get tired of taking children with autism to weekly behavioral therapy. But it’s not normal to be utterly exhausted after therapy to the extent that the parent wants to go to bed and pull the covers over their heads once the appointment is over. That’s intensity. It’s also not normal for that level of exhaustion to persist for several months or longer. That’s duration.

Here’s one more. If you have received negative news regarding your child via the phone–it could a difficult diagnosis, behavior or academic concerns from school, or even that an in-home care provider can’t make it again–you may experience a sense of dread when your phone rings. That’s normal. But dealing with the dread by refusing to answer the phone (intensity) for a week or a month or more (duration) is not.

By applying these 2 mental health red flags for caregiving parents in your own life, you can be proactive about your personal health. If you decide to seek a therapist, this post about how to find a trauma therapist can help you locate a mental health care professional where you live.

Written by Jolene Philo

Jolene Philo is the mother of a son born with life-threatening special needs and the daughter of a father severely affected by multiple sclerosis. In her 25 years as an educator, she integrated children with special needs into her classroom. She’s written 5 books about caregiving, special needs parenting, and childhood PTSD. She recently co-authored a book with Dr. Gary Chapman about how parents of kids with special needs can use the 5 love languages in their families.

Jolene speaks at conferences around the country and internationally, facilitates classes about childhood trauma for educators, and trains special needs ministry leaders and volunteers. She blogs at www.DifferentDream.com. She and her husband live in Iowa.

Our Guide

I was sifting through memories the last few months and came across a picture of me that unknowingly marked a significant point in my life.  The picture is of me surrounded by a bunch of Honduran kids with a huge smile on my face.  It was taken somewhere between 2004 and 2007 at an orphanage in Lapaz, Honduras, off a dirt road with dogs running around and many more kids laughing and playing elsewhere. 

This was my first mission trip. I had no idea what I was doing or the real reason for me being there.  The kids surrounding me in the picture knew Jesus way better than I did and I did not have a clear job on the mission trip other than to play and connect with these kids.  This picture was stored away and became memories that were patched together as my life went on.  It was a fun trip, but it wasn’t easy.  I know if I had a greater understanding of what the trip was for and why we were doing a mission I would have experienced the trip in a totally different way, or maybe chosen to not go at all.  

Looking back on this seed planted for missions I can faintly see how there was work being done all along to get me where I am in this season. The “me” in the picture thought being a pediatrician would be a great career and this trip might be an interesting thing to talk about in a college essay or put on a resume.  The real story being written was that God would expand my love for children in need to advocacy and education for kids with severe disabilities.  The “me” in the picture could not understand why anyone would need a savior or faith in God, let alone a clue who Jesus was.  The story God was writing was He would come for me too as I needed a savior more than I could have ever understood. The “me” in the picture thought this trip was a fun adventure, and the story that God was writing was that I would have no idea how amazing an adventure God was planning for me.  

A lot has happened since that picture, but I feel like saying “yes” to Jesus put my life in acceleration. 

So many things have changed, shifted, fallen into place or made sense since saying yes.  The me in that picture is not so different from me now, but more focused.  Since that mission trip to Honduras, I got my masters in special education rather than becoming a doctor.  I am now covered in kids that look like me in pictures and we are heading to the mission field with more focus and direction from the Lord and I could ever imagine.  God has used my background of special education to get me to come back to him and also immediately put me to work bringing His children back home too.  I have enriched my Jewish roots and heritage with a clearer picture of who God is and who I am in the love of Christ.  God has shown me a place to care and love others as He did.  

The smile on my face in that picture is just as big now. When I think about how my mission experience started as a Jewish teen at a honduran orphanage and now I am preparing, with my husband and 3 kids, to launch to France to serve at a camp.  I can not fully appreciate or understand His preparation of my heart in the process.  My heart is so different since that picture, no longer am I thinking about what would look good on a resume, but rather how can I bring more people to know the depth of this love and acceptance.  It shouldn’t surprise me though, God is unchanging and knows all these things.  I am the one who is changing as I experience and know Him more deeply.  I think about this memory from God’s perspective, as he sees the whole breath of my life at once. There was no coincidence about this journey, nothing surprising to Him and whether I realize it or not, He will guide me.  The verses from the end of Psalm 48:14 feels so comforting in thinking about the journey that has been completed and the road ahead of all of us in our walk: “For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end.” 

Wherever God has placed us, whether in our job, role as a parent, ministry role, etc, God has worked ahead of us and in us in preparation.  We are in practice and getting prepared long before we realize it.

I see more clearly the truth of the verses from Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose…”  I know that God is guiding me to something good, not easy, but good, and that’s something I can get excited about and put my faith in.  Praise God for this first mission trip and the seed that it planted in my heart.  Praise God that He has chosen to continue to make his plan clear for me and chosen me as bold and courageous enough to do as he has called.  Praise God that He is with me now, in the past and every day to come. 

Written by Naomi Brubaker

Naomi is a mom of 3 girls ages 7, 5, and 2.  Her oldest daughter is diagnosed with ADHD and a visual processing disorder.  Her family lives in Richmond Virginia where Naomi leads the special needs ministry at their church.  Her background in special education and ability to understand parents from her experiences with her daughter give her a unique perspective in her role at the church.  Naomi loves to run, sew and take walks with her husband with any free time she has. 

One Simple Question That Can Change Your Life…and the lives of those around you!

Last week I shared that my theme word for 2021 is thankful and to help me toward that goal, I’m listing 3 things I’m thankful for each day. That is one step. But it’s not just a “list 3 things and move on with the day”, checkmark, goal accomplished. Done.

No, in making thankfulness a habit and cultivating a heart attitude of gratitude it is my goal that the act of starting my day with thoughts of thankfulness will then help thankfulness carry on into my day with choosing thankfulness in situations that would otherwise cause irritation, annoyance, depression, discontent, or hopelessness.

Our family is currently living in an RV and touring the country for 10 months while we work and school fulltime. Yes, it’s pretty incredible. But it also means we are sharing one bathroom. One morning last week, I needed to do my hair and plugged in the curling iron to warm, but since my kids hadn’t gotten up and been through the bathroom yet I thought I’d give them a chance before I started on my hair. I have a lot of hair and it’s a 30-minute process. I got them moving and started working on breakfast in the kitchen while waiting for them to quickly use the restroom and vacate it.

 The next thing I knew, one of my sons was showering. He doesn’t normally shower in the morning and I hadn’t expected or anticipated that. He’s also not quick about showing, so my day and planned schedule was now delayed by 30 minutes. My immediate reaction was irritation, annoyance, and criticalness about his thoughtlessness.

 After ascertaining that he had turned off my curling iron and the RV was not about to catch fire from his setting clothes on a hot iron, I recognized my negative emotional state and direction of my thoughts. I asked myself, “What can I be thankful for in this situation?” Immediately I thought of how thankful I am that I have a son who desires to be clean and takes responsibility for his personal cleanliness AND that I don’t have to push, fight, or cajole him into it! What a blessing he is! How proud I am of him!

One simple question to myself and wow, what a change in thoughts and emotions! And, what a different mom that kid had when he got out of the bathroom than if I hadn’t asked myself that question. I know I want to be the second mom and not the first mom on a regular basis and that’s the mom and wife my family wants too. It’s also the daughter my Father will be more pleased with because that’s who He has designed and enabled me to be. Yet, it all came from a simple question and changing my focus.

Who do you want to be? What characteristics do you want to cultivate in your life? Is thankfulness a challenge for you like it is for me? If you haven’t already, we’d love to have you join the Hope Anew Online Community and take part in the January Thankfulness Challenge!

Sarah McGuire  is the Mom of two boys and co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that guides parents to Christ-centered hope and healing. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here. You can also check out Hope Anew’s Online Community here!

Due to COVID-19, Hope Anew is waiving all membership fees for the community!

Thoughts For This New Year

Resolutions.  I never stick to them.  I have sincere intentions about improvements I want to make in my life, but that format of resolving and proclaiming to do it never has worked for me. 

This new year comes with so many prayers for a better experience for us all.  Having that much expectation of our hopes and dreams placed on the new year, the last thing any of us need is the feeling of ,yet again, another failed attempt at a resolution.  So, this year I’m trying something new. 

If there’s anything we can all take away from 2020 is that there are many more ways than one way to do something. We have learned to think outside of the box, to make it work with what we’ve got, and how to adapt.  I’ve used those freshened skills to construct my New Year Checklist. 

To me, a checklist gives you some time.  The items on the list are there until you’ve completed them and crossed them off.  There is also an end. It isn’t this proclamation to live up to from now until eternity.  It’s just a list of things you’d like to get done.  Here goes!  

My 2021 New Year Checklist

1. Begin (and maybe finish, but not a requirement) a crocheting project.

2. Read for pleasure.

3. Sew something for each of my children.

4. Continue to work on forgiving those who have never asked for my forgiveness.

5. Show up.  Refuse to cancel.  

6. Continue to write.

7. Sing every chance I get.  Anytime and anyplace I’m asked.

8. Create the peaceful home setting I yearn for.  Do this by being conservative with screen time, filling the home with comforting scents and calming music, and building a reading culture within my family.

9. Spend more time cooking with my daughter and foster her already strong interest.

10. Create more opportunities to enjoy the outdoors with my son.

11. Put on my makeup every single day.

12. Touch base with forever friends at least monthly.

13. Fill in my daughters baby book (Yikes!  She’s turning four in February and not one stroke of an ink pen has hit the pages in her book).

14. Spend a portion of each day in meditation and focused, specific prayer.

15. Find opportunities to volunteer within my community.

16. Finally join the church that we’ve been visiting for two and half years.

17. Make it a priority to meet a friend for coffee.

18. Create a realistic weekly cleaning schedule.

19. Make those important medical appointments!

20. Forgive myself.  Allow myself grace when needed.

21. Breathe.

There it is.  My 21 things for this new 2021 year.  My kids have checklists for everything.  This one is mine. They are mostly self care items and very personal to me and my life, and that’s intentional. Yours will look different than mine, but as a caregiver we must endeavor to care for ourselves, too. Special needs parents and parents of children that are medically fragile, need to make a point to care for themselves.  This list is my way of attempting to do that.

To be totally honest, some of these items have been on my to-do list for a few years now.  Our daily plates are pretty full. The time just isn’t always there to follow through.  That’s why the list is good.  If it doesn’t get checked off this year, it just rolls over to next year.  And as I go back over my list, it really boils down to an attempt to improve my day to day experience, to take care of long overdue business and prioritize the right things in my use of down time. 

May your new year be one of peace and hope.  May you find little corners of time to pamper yourself, even if that means to stop and take a few deep, cleansing breaths.  May you grow in your faith and hold strong to it when fear and doubt inevitably creep in. We don’t know what will come tomorrow, so let’s be the very best version of ourselves today.  When we can’t be, maybe we can allow ourselves the grace to pause, and tackle more of our list tomorrow.  Happy New Year.

Written by BreAnn Tassone

BreAnn is a wife and mother to two beloved children.  Her 8 year old son is twice exceptional and has been diagnosed with PANS/PANDAS, and her 3 year old daughter is his most incredible advocate.  They both bring joy to this world in their own individual ways. BreAnn lives with her family in central Virginia.  She is a former Special Education teacher and serves as a volunteer at her church within the special needs ministry.  She is a homeschooler and coordinates groups and events within her community to support the childhood experience of her neighbors and friends. It is her conviction that all children benefit when all children are included, accepted and can live this life learning from and supporting each other.

One Word That Can Change Your Year – Part 1

It’s a new year. The start of a new year comes with thoughts of fresh starts, new beginnings, and new or renewed goals. I always look ahead toward the upcoming year with thoughts of what I want the coming year to include for myself and my family and what next steps in life would be good for us.

While that is all true of this year as well, this year has a different feel for me – what about you?

I’m a little less optimistic of where things are headed in our country and world. Christianity is becoming more and more criticized and unpopular. Darkness and evil in our society are growing and becoming more commonly accepted.  Within and between Christian groups, there is increasing division and lack of vision.

The year 2020 was a HARD year for the world and our country. Personally, I’m not expecting 2021 to be easier. I see darkness and chaos growing and spreading. BUT, in darkness, light shines even brighter! Light offers hope in dark times. A lighthouse isn’t built to help ships during the daylight, but during the night. While evil and darkness may be increasing, our foundation, our solid rock, Jesus, does not change. Our hope is secure.

That doesn’t mean we won’t experience hard things, but it does mean we don’t need to be consumed by them. Yet, when we live day in, day out in hard, disheartening, all-consuming things it’s hard to hold onto that hope. So how do we do that?

Personally, 2020 was an incredibly difficult year with a lot of personal loss that was all-consuming for a few months. I made a resolution that I would NOT complain about my new circumstances (I started here) and that I WOULD be thankful (I got this this a little later). Truthfully, I could feel that I was being consumed by negativity and it was my attempt to change that. It was absolutely the right thing to do. And this year, in 2021, I want to take that even further.

 Each year I choose a theme word or verse for the year. This year, my word is THANKFUL! Being thankful requires action and intentional thought. It doesn’t just happen, and it doesn’t come automatically. It takes disciplined thought processes and if it hasn’t been a habit, it takes time and practice to changes those negative, complaining thought patterns and to create thankful, appreciative thought patterns. But it CAN be done, and it will change your brain and your life!

 We read, “Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” in I Thessalonians 5:18. Philippians 4:8 says, …“Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”

Being thankful is an act of fixing our thoughts on what is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely and admirable.

In the Hope Anew Online Community, during the month of January, our theme is Thankful! Each week I’m posting a video about what I’m learning about being thankful and how I’m applying it to my life. We’d love to have you join the Community and a group of parents who “get it” as we grow and learn together through the extra challenge of being caregivers.

Written by Sarah McGuire

Sarah McGuire  is the Mom of two boys and co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that guides parents to Christ-centered hope and healing. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here. You can also check out Hope Anew’s Online Community here!

Due to COVID-19, Hope Anew is waiving all membership fees for the community!

We Are In God's Loving Hands, Always

One of the hats that special needs parents wear is that of a risk assessment manager.  Depending on the special needs your child has, this looks different.  In our case, without even knowing that I’m assessing risk, I am nearly always assessing and maneuvering around potential meltdown triggers, dangers and needs. It’s amazing how fast I can survey an environment and pinpoint each and every possible worst case scenario.  How fast I then come up with a contingency plan for each possibility and a plan for continued vigilance and surveillance until our time there is over.  I am always two steps ahead in my mind.  Many times the worst case never happens, but many times I’m right on and I am ready.  My kiddo sees these risky spots just as quickly as I do, it seems.  He is also super vigilant in his surveillance of a room. For this reason, I am just always on my toes. 

There are emotional risks that are also assessed.  Will we be embraced or accepted as we are in this environment?  Will our hearts, both my child’s and mine, be safe in this space, with these people? I can make sure that a door is locked, or that there is appropriate physical accommodations made for our needs.  That part is easy.  It’s the emotional risks that often give me the most pause. 

There was a time that my heart had been hurt by watching how some people respond to us.  I was so afraid of my child ever feeling like he was less just because of things that are completely out of his control, and of myself feeling that parental pain of observing that, that my first thought would be to sit it out.  I never did.  I wanted to.  I wanted to protect us from the emotional risks so badly, that I’d consider missing the parts of life that make for a full and vibrant existence.  

I never benched us.  We never sat out, and you shouldn’t either.

Instead, the route I’ve chosen to go when it comes to shielding our hearts, is that of specific and focused prayer.  We go.  We are now making our way through the Christmas season.  A time of excitement and hope and waiting.  There are so many opportunities to encounter this pause.  Should we go?  Will we fit?  I no longer entertain those old fears when they enter my mind.  I take a deep breath and ask the Lord to guide our day, our thoughts and to be with the people we encounter.  I ask that he’ll grow their knowledge and acceptance through their time with us.  I ask that he’ll guide their hearts to be inclusive and accommodating.  I ask that they not treat us like we’re different, because we really aren’t.  And, I thank him for the grace he’s given me, as a parent.  I pray that I’ll be able to give that same grace to myself, as I navigate environments that aren’t set up for us, both physically and more importantly emotionally.   Finally, I thank him for trusting me with this incredible child, and pray that I am graceful in my parenting of him.

Not one thing has grown my faith more than this practice of specific prayer.  When the Lord answers your prayer directly, in real time, it’s life changing, life giving, and sets you free from fear.  Choosing faith over fear is no longer a choice for me.  I just plain have faith.  I’ve entered spaces after praying like this and experienced the most beautiful, caring and loving interactions.  I’ve met people that have become friends to me, and my child has also found real friendship and acceptance, as well.  I’ve felt that we were safe and protected, just as we are. 

This year, there are fewer opportunities for large gatherings.  If you do find yourself looking at an upcoming outing or event with that familiar pause, whatever you do please don’t sit out.  Take a deep breath and pray.  We are in God’s loving hands.  Always.

Written by BreAnn Tassone

BreAnn is a wife and mother to two beloved children.  Her 8 year old son is twice exceptional and has been diagnosed with PANS/PANDAS, and her 3 year old daughter is his most incredible advocate.  They both bring joy to this world in their own individual ways. BreAnn lives with her family in central Virginia.  She is a former Special Education teacher and serves as a volunteer at her church within the special needs ministry.  She is a homeschooler and coordinates groups and events within her community to support the childhood experience of her neighbors and friends. It is her conviction that all children benefit when all children are included, accepted and can live this life learning from and supporting each other.

Nine Ways To Make The Holidays Great

I saw on Facebook this past week a post that said “Ruin Thanksgiving in four words.”  The post received 186 comments in one day. I didn’t post a comment because I want to try my best to maintain positivity when all possible, but there is something about the holidays that evoke a sense of anxiety, fatigue and even disappointment. These feelings seem to be felt universally.  As I scrolled through the comments, memories of holiday gatherings of the past surfaced.  Burned food, awkward interactions with family, ex’s, political conversations (especially in an election year), missing critical food elements and more were represented.  

The question comes to mind, how can it be any different?  How can we switch the narrative to “make the holiday great in just four words.”?  How, especially this year- which has embedded a layer of fear and anxiety in so many, can we make a great memory of the holidays?  I sift through my memories both good and bad, I return to the simplicity that feels comforting in the holidays.  The year that we opted for a paper table cloth with crayons and paper plates was loads of fun for the kids and really easy on clean-up.  The year that the weather was so mild that we moved the table outside and ate while the leaves fell around us. When we celebrated with lots of friends or no one but our sweet babies, or special dinners with family who are no longer with us.  With so many ways to ruin the holidays, what are the things that make them great, truly special and really at the core why we bother to do all that we do to make it happen?

Top ideas for changing the narrative and making the holiday season great in four words :

1. This year choose less

Yes less. Less food, less presents, less rush, less stress.  Let’s just choose less. In choosing less you, choose what you need most and what makes you most happy.  You will find more out of that less, more joy, more rest and more content family time. We are in the process of moving this holiday season and have been living with less stuff in our house over the past few weeks. The children’s toys have been reduced to one box of playdoh and Legos.  Yes that’s all- 2 choices. This reduction has been very positive for everyone.  Less is freeing and I promise it’s better.   

2. Do what is easy

Sometimes the complicated recipes are just too much. Sometimes fulfilling all the traditions of years past feels really hard.  I have to admit I have been cutting corners in the kitchen more and more.  I have also been trying to look for the easy button more. How can I cut the parts out that don’t bring the most joy to the experience. This path is not a cop-out, but an attempt to spend more time in relationship rather than doing more tasks.  A friend mentioned today ordering her Thanksgiving from a local restaurant this year.  Although this cuts a lot of corners, it seems like a really great idea this year.  Not only is she alleviating many time consuming tasks, but she is also supporting a local business who may be struggling. She noted she was still cooking her famous biscuits, but getting help on the other parts.

3. Bring family in virtually 

This is no one’s preferred method of being relational, but especially during COVID and the heightened germ season, it’s a great alternative. It can also be helpful with challenging relationships in which a longer visit may be too much.  Make it fun and come up with a theme for the virtual party.  Everyone brings a festive snack to the virtual time, wear a fun hat or eliminate use of a word like “turkey” during your conversation.  

4. Make it kid friendly

Let’s just soak in all the good being a parent of young kids brings!  The year we put paper on the table and set out crayons was a fun memory for everyone.  Making it kid friendly also means getting kids involved. Let the kids help cook foods they like, or have them pick recipes from Pinterest to add to the table.  The more ways a child can feel a part of the holiday preparation the more they too will find joy in all of the parts of it.  

5. Do something totally new

Switching things up often eliminates the expectation of what it should be.  My mom made a delicious traditional green bean casserole every year at the holidays.  It was a family favorite.  A few years ago I was hosting Thanksgiving and I decided to do a new twist on as many of the dishes as I could find.  My thought was that it would be familiar but lessen the comparison to my mom’s version. My mom and sisters were especially concerned about the green bean casserole being altered.  I found an updated recipe and everyone loved it more than the old one.  Doing the same things each holiday provides rhythm and predictability, but switching things up can infuse a freshness to the celebrations that may have fallen away over the years.  Doing something new minimizes expectations engrained over the years that are hard to meet.  

6. Remember “why” it happens 

Why do we take a family photo every Fall? Why do we make so many dishes for one meal?  Why do we bring a real tree in our house (they are so messy!)? Why do we search for that specific present that is nearly impossible to find?  Whatever it is that feels so crazy or unnecessary, try to remember the why.  If you can not fully identify your “why” you need to assess why you choose to continue to do it.  

7. Find a quiet moment 

I don’t know when or where you will find this moment, but find it!  This is going to be critical to survive the holiday.  I promise there will be an opportunity to find this quiet moment.  It may be on a last minute run to the grocery store, by yourself, that you turn on YOUR music and sit in the car while the song finishes.  Maybe it comes when you wake up early to begin the cooking, or late at night when wrapping that present in secret.  Find this moment and recognize it and soak it in for all it offers in refreshment.  

8. Get some fresh air

We have had some tough days since quarantine started in March- more tough days that I remember having in 2019.  The smoothest days are the ones that we are outside for as much of the day as we can possibly squeeze.  Plan to be outside.  Go for a walk, ride a bike, rake a leaf pile and jump in it.  The fresh air gives everyone a new attitude and it also gives people needed space.  Set up a yard game and get out there and play. 

9. Think of serving others

Whenever I feel down on things, I turn to gratitude and then to serving others.  Find a way to serve others this holiday season.  I have seen people put snacks and drinks in a basket outside for the delivery people.  Give your mailman a note and a water bottle, write cards or make artwork for a local nursing home, buy new socks and keep them in your car for the homeless you may see. There are so many ideas, so get your children involved too.  Service and gratitude are key characteristics that we want our children to exemplify.  They won’t become better at these things without practice, so include them in the process.  They may have a terrific idea for how to serve someone and just need a little help. 

So there you have it. 9, four word statements to improve the holidays and add some ideas to refresh the holidays and not ruin them in 4 words.  Rather you can make them wonderful in simplicity, newness, serving and identifying your priorities.

Written by Naomi Brubaker

Naomi is a mom of 3 girls ages 7, 5, and 2.  Her oldest daughter is diagnosed with ADHD and a visual processing disorder.  Her family lives in Richmond Virginia where Naomi leads the special needs ministry at their church.  Her background in special education and ability to understand parents from her experiences with her daughter give her a unique perspective in her role at the church.  Naomi loves to run, sew and take walks with her husband with any free time she has. 

The Waiting Room

Before I had children waiting rooms served one purpose.  They were a place to wait.  I’d look forward to those few quiet moments to flip through the pages of a Better Homes and Gardens stashed in the pile of outdated magazines.  I would exhale.  I would zone out.  I would be still.  Then, I would hear my name called and forget I was ever there. 

As a mom, and especially as a special needs parent, I very often find myself in waiting rooms.  However, the waiting is altogether different…

When I’m waiting for my child to complete testing with the school psychologist, or finish a session of occupational therapy, or therapeutic gymnastics, or swimming lessons, the list goes on, it’s never a time of exhale. I am zoned way in.  I am far from still.   It’s often a time of held breath.  It’s a time of anxiety.  I am almost always lending one ear to the task of waiting for signs of the session going awry or hear myself be beckoned to the room.  I can pretend to flip through the pages of a tattered magazine left for waiting parents, but it’s just to fill the time with any kind of distraction.  That is, unless there is another waiting parent there.  That’s when magic happens.

In these places of waiting, special needs parents find each other.  We are all so desiring of community and relationship with people in our same, or similar situation, that when you sit two of us in a room together, we just get to chatting.  A smile.  A greeting.  Then, before you know it, you’ve exchanged stories, you have shed the anxiety that you may have entered the waiting with and are sad when the waiting time ends.  You might, in the case of a recurring appointment, get to see this parent again. You might not. 

Regardless of that, in the midst of these sometimes frantic days, you connected with someone who gets it.  You were given the gift of a pause, a judgement-free exchange and probably even a shared laugh or tear.

I skip out of these chance meetings feeling so heard and so understood and with such an incredibly full cup.  What’s even more magical is when a bonafide friendship begins to form in the waiting room.  I’ve experienced that a few times on this road.  Imagine that, meeting a person in a waiting room, of all places, and bonding nearly instantly over this shared journey.  You just never know who might be waiting with you.  

I can admit that those peaceful days of leisurely and seemingly carefree times of solitude and reflection were nice.  Okay, very nice. They were maybe even dreamy.  I can share too, that this new type of waiting is far more fulfilling. 

If you find yourself waiting nervously for your child to finish up their speech session, pick your head up from that magazine, or from your phone, and look around that room.  Drum up some conversation with the parent next to you.  Even if it feels clumsy or awkward at first, don’t let that stop you.  Push through and take a chance. Odds are they are desiring connection, too.  You will both be blessed by interacting, and you may just make a treasured new friend.  

Written by BreAnn Tassone

BreAnn is a wife and mother to two beloved children.  Her 8 year old son is twice exceptional and has been diagnosed with PANS/PANDAS, and her 3 year old daughter is his most incredible advocate.  They both bring joy to this world in their own individual ways. BreAnn lives with her family in central Virginia.  She is a former Special Education teacher and serves as a volunteer at her church within the special needs ministry.  She is a homeschooler and coordinates groups and events within her community to support the childhood experience of her neighbors and friends. It is her conviction that all children benefit when all children are included, accepted and can live this life learning from and supporting each other.

Thankfulness When Life Stinks – Part 1

A friend of mine is putting together a cool project to kick off 2021, around having people share their word for the year. You know how many people pick a word to focus on each year? That word. When I heard about the project, I hadn’t picked my word for 2021 yet. But within a couple minutes of thinking about it, I had chosen my word…thankful.

Thankfulness is so powerful, yet it takes intention and discipline, at least for me. In a backwards way, not an intentional one, it’s sort of been my word for three quarters of 2020.

Before we get to that, let me share with you about my first quarter of 2020…Just about one year ago this time (it was the first week of November) we finally had what we hoped were some answers to my health challenges that no doctor had been able to figure out – mold, in our house and our church (and homeschool co-op) – the two places I spent nearly all of my time.

Through a series of events, within the week, we made the heart-rending decision that we needed to move. Yes, we would remediate, but we didn’t think I could live there and heal. This was a HUGE decision. Monumental. This was the family homestead. This was the house my FIL had designed and had built and where my husband had grown up. This was the house we LOVED and had planned to live in the rest of our lives. This was the house on the most beautiful, perfectly laid out two acres we’d ever seen with the in-laws next door on another 2.5 acres, giving our boys 4.5 acres to roam and play and built forts and have daily chats with grandma and grandpa. We had a lovely swimming and fishing pond visible through double French doors at the front of the house, pine woods, flowering tree lined drive, fruit trees and bushes, and space to do the homesteading we enjoyed (before I got too sick to do the work).  This was our dream home. This was our refuge.

Can you hear the grief? And that was only the beginning. In the process of getting out of mold, we could only keep things that were solid, non-porous and every surface could be thoroughly cleaned and wiped down with a special solution that kills mold and breaks down mold mycotoxins. We can save the pots and pans, woohoo! (You can hear the sarcasm, right?) That means every item was hand sorted. So the pictures, the 1800 books, my kids’ prized artwork drawing pieces hanging on the wall, the quilt from grandma, my wedding dress, special mementos, gifts of artwork my husband drew for me for birthdays and Valentine’s Day, all our upholstered furniture, heirloom dressers, family pictures on the wall, all my kids’ stuffed animals and nearly all their toys, almost everything had to go. Over two thousand square feet of house plus a garage and workshop and 20 years of memories and the life we’d built piece by piece went down to two utility trailers. And…we didn’t have another house to move to.  

I grieved. Hard. I yelled at God, literally, evening after evening as I sat in the house by myself (we had moved in with my in-laws next door after Thanksgiving, so the rest of the family was there) sorting and throwing out and cleaning. I cried and cried and cried. I asked why, not in a “what can I learn from this” way, but in a, “this is so messed up and makes no sense and how could you” way. I knew God doesn’t necessarily protect us from incredibly hard things and that sometimes He even brings those things to us deliberately to direct us where and into who He desires us to be. I didn’t expect Him to make life easy for me, but at the same time, I sure didn’t like what He had chosen for us at this juncture.

Can you relate? Have you ever been there? Have you ever struggled with what life has brought you? Have you ever hurt so badly you raged at God about it? Or maybe you turned away and rejected Him? Or stopped short of rejecting Him, but turned away and gave Him the silent treatment?

If you are wondering where to go from here or what to do with all that pain, anger, hurt, confusion, grief, sadness, and more Hope Anew has a 5-week Hope & Healing Workshop where walk with you through that process. Contact us and sign up on the waiting list for the next live online workshop.

So how do I get to thankfulness from here??? You’ll find out in part two next Saturday.

Written by Sarah McGuire

Sarah McGuire  is the Mom of two boys and co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that guides parents to Christ-centered hope and healing. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here. You can also check out Hope Anew’s Online Community here!

 

Due to COVID-19, Hope Anew is waiving all membership fees for the community!

Three Things That Give Me Hope – Part 3

When we focus on current events in the world and things going on in our lives, it can be easy for our hopefulness to begin to falter. When we place our hope in finances, friends, family or resources (including medical resources for our kids), it will eventually fail.

This month we have been talking about hope and how to truly regain hope during challenging times.

The first week we looked at the challenges of staying hope-filled. The next week we talked about reflecting on God's faithfulness in our own lives as well as in the Bible. Last week, we talked about looking for those "God sightings" in our lives right now...finding the good in each day, even if it is as simple as the sun is shining and looking for where He is at work globally.

This week, we look ahead. As followers of Christ, we have a certain hope in Christ. We know that this world is not our home and that we will one day be with our heavenly Father.

What does our eternal home look like?

Below is one of my favorite passages about heaven.

Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,”[a] for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. 2 I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death[b] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

~ Revelation 21: 1-4 (NIV) 

There will be no more pain, no more sorrow, no more injustice. Our children will no longer be in pain or need medical treatments. They will no longer be looked down upon. They will be loved.

While the day to day seems long...at times never ending, eternity offers perspective. It offers hope.  

As you think about eternity, is there a particular passage in the Bible that gives you hope?

Perhaps you are not a follower of Christ, and would like to learn more about the eternal hope we have in him, I would love to connect with you more and share more about this hope I have.

Written by Jonathan McGuire

Jonathan McGuire  is  the father of two sons and the co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that comes alongside the parents of children impacted by disability on a spiritual and emotional level. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here.

Hope Anew has launched the Hope Anew Online Community and would love to have you be a part of it! You can learn more at www.HopeAnew.com.  

Due to COVID-19, Hope Anew is waiving all membership fees for the community!

The Angels of Our Path

It seems from the moment we realized we had a magnificently special child, the angels were there.  At the time, we may not have recognized them as such, but I can assure you that they were there.  God sent people smack dab into our lives, seemingly out of nowhere, that would make a significant impact on our experience as a special needs family.  If you are just starting this journey, keep your eyes open for them.  They are there.  God is guiding you through their care and knowledge and acceptance.  

As clearly as I can see those people now, there were moments when I was so distraught over the people that I had thought would be there for us and weren’t, that I almost missed them.  There are definitely people that don’t understand how to shepherd you through this type of grief and confusion and the figuring it out time that comes with learning the ropes of special needs parenting.   I think it’s okay to feel disappointment about that, but to understand that we are all just human.  Our friends are human, our family members are human and with that comes differences in how we handle things.  Even if people we expect to walk with us don’t, it is okay.  God sends who we need when we need them.  The number of angels that have been sent our way far out measures any disappointments we felt along the way.  

Each heaven-sent guide, led to the next and the next and the next.  This chain of help and healing and connection is remarkable to trace back.  People speak of “word of mouth” when asked questions like, “How did you locate your Occupational Therapist?” or “ What led you to that preschool?”.  I don’t think of it as “word of mouth”, but as God’s voice leading us in the right direction.  I often pray for God to lead me.  I promise him that I am listening.  If he will lead me, I will follow.  

I have followed these little nudges and as a result, we have found our way thus far.  

The therapist that “everyone loves” somehow had an opening for us in her very full schedule.  She became our first guide.  She taught me about what my son was struggling with, she led me to appropriate care providers for him, she coached me on what he needed, and she gave a name to some of the things we didn’t yet understand about him.  To this day, we feel her impact in my son's life every day.  She led us, also, to the next of our angels here on earth.  My son’s first preschool teacher. Without her love and care, my son might have never gotten the chance to experience school.  She held his hand and accepted his differences while she championed his strengths.  The bond he still shares with her is like no one else in his life.  

Through a course of wild coincidences, our next angel flew in.  She gave my son the chance to learn about the Lord.  As a special needs family, we struggled to find a church that was a fit for us.  This woman gave us a place.  She runs the special needs ministry at a very loved church in our town, and when we met her we found our church home.  Her guidance and friendship and loving care of our son and other children has allowed for acceptance and inclusion to grow in our community.  My son, thanks to her, was able to participate alongside his peers and take part in all of the childhood church experiences that other kids typically get to enjoy.  She led us, also, to another of the angels in our life.  This next angel came into our lives as a suggested summer camp aide for our son.  She was just finishing high school, and she spent the summer with our boy.  To this day, she is one of the only people I fully trust to leave him with.   She connected with him instantly and learned him and loved him. It takes time spent together to really know and bond with a child, and this teenager invested more into my son than I could have ever dreamed.  

The dear friends and family members that have tucked in with us and been a part of our day-to-day life are also a part of this squad sent from God.  They’ve listened and comforted and been strong for me when I couldn’t be.  Then they listened some more. They’ve withheld judgement and just been there. In it. This group just seems to grow as time passes.  Our lives were blessed with even more angels as our son entered elementary school, before we decided to homeschool.  The relationships he formed there have continued on well after our leaving.   Buddies from church, hair stylists, and the list goes on, one after the next, have become interwoven into our story and our hearts. These angels and the many more we’ve met along the way, are our people.  Our team.  Whether we still see them everyday or not, they remain with us.  They are forever family to us, and our gratitude to them and to God for sending them is immeasurable.  

As you travel this journey, look for the repeated names, the coincidental meetings, and know that there are no accidents.  Keep your eyes and ears open for the angels sent your way.  You will find them. 

BreAnn is a wife and mother to two beloved children.  Her 8 year old son is twice exceptional and has been diagnosed with PANS/PANDAS, and her 3 year old daughter is his most incredible advocate.  They both bring joy to this world in their own individual ways. BreAnn lives with her family in central Virginia.  She is a former Special Education teacher and serves as a volunteer at her church within the special needs ministry.  She is a homeschooler and coordinates groups and events within her community to support the childhood experience of her neighbors and friends. It is her conviction that all children benefit when all children are included, accepted and can live this life learning from and supporting each other.

When Our Lives Are In Upheaval

September makes me think of fall, even though it still feels like summer to start out. I love fall - pumpkins, cooler breezes, apple cider, campfires, hot chocolate,  s'mores, colorful leaves. Okay, I still have to wait a month or so for that one. But, I love fall in the north.

September also brings a settling into the routine of the school year. The newness is overcome and we start to "hit our stride". This year that settledness probably isn't as settled or as comfortable with the changes brought by COVID-19 or maybe the new teacher, school, routine, online or homeschooling is hitting some snags and isn't going well. 

I think we can all agree that this year has been a doozie. September marks the 7th month of our country and lives collectively being changed by the measures taken for a virus and the future being unpredictable. Being families with special needs, we've been through that unpredictable process before, even though this is very different.

But that isn't a new state of being for us, is it? 

What do we do when our lives are in upheaval and we can't project how or when they will be better again? One of the best things I've learned to help my state of mind and emotions during times of overwhelm, unsureness (of course, that's a word!), upheaval, unpredictability, trial, etc are looking at, learning, and remembering the names of God. Many of His names are based on His characteristics - who He is. In the Bible, names were often given based on their meaning. God even changed people's names to reflect a change in their life and to match the meaning of their name to that change.

Psalm 9:10 says, "And those who know your name put their trust in you." Trust in God is something that can keep us sane, focused, and at peace during times of unrest. I don't know about you, but when I focus on me and my circumstances, I lose focus on God and my anxiousness and unrest increases.

Intentionally recalling the names of God refocuses me on Him.

If you would like a great book to learn more about the names of God, check out God's Names by Sally Michael. This is a devotional I did with my boys a few years back that continues to bless me.

Written by Sarah McGuire

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Sarah McGuire  is the Mom of two boys and co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that guides parents to Christ-centered hope and healing. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here. You can also check out Hope Anew’s Online Community here! 

Due to COVID-19, Hope Anew is waiving all membership fees for the community!

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