Three Things That Give Me Hope – Part 2

Have you ever heard the saying that "it can be hard to see the forest through the trees?" To me, that phrase has meant that it can be easy to get bogged down in the details and lose the big perspective. That can be true in our journey too. 

Sometimes, we get so bogged down in the day to day...the researching, the appointments, the (fill in the blank) and we miss the good that is happening. The life giving things. The hope filled things.

Does this sound familiar?

When I lift weights, those muscles I am using grow stronger. This is the same with how we think. When we focus on the negative, those negative pathways in the brain become stronger. It is harder to see the good.

You may be able to recall conversations with people where the negative pathways have become really strong. In those interactions, it can be hard to steer the conversation in a positive direction and you just leave the conversation feeling blah and hopeless. The converse is true when you sit with people who are joy-filled.

This idea of building a positive, hope-filled mindset is a Biblical idea.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Philippians 4:8 (NIV)

It can be hard to see the good things going on in the world and more specifically, it can be hard to see the good things that are going on in your life…especially if you are living from one crisis to the next.

Sarah has recently began asking each person in our family what one good thing is that we appreciate today. Sometimes a family member shares something big. Sometimes it's a rougher day and the good thing is that the sun is shining.

Sometimes finding the good becomes easier when we look outside of our circumstances and the day to day. It depends where you look though. I wouldn’t recommend looking at the news or even at Facebook.

The best way to find the good, is to look for where God is at work. Find a mission organization or nonprofit that aligns with a cause you are passionate about and sign up for their newsletter. You will have stories of how God is at work sent straight to your inbox or delivered to your front door. Also, find positive people with whom you can associate.

When we start seeing those good things that are happening in our lives and when we start seeing the good things that God is doing around the world, it starts to reframe how we think. It starts to restore hope. 

This week I would like to challenge you to look for one good thing that is happening in your life each day.

Written by Jonathan McGuire

Jonathan McGuire  is  the father of two sons and the co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that comes alongside the parents of children impacted by disability on a spiritual and emotional level. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here.

Hope Anew has launched the Hope Anew Online Community and would love to have you be a part of it! You can learn more at www.HopeAnew.com.  Due to COVID-19, Hope Anew is waiving all membership fees for the community!

When Our Lives Are In Upheaval

September makes me think of fall, even though it still feels like summer to start out. I love fall - pumpkins, cooler breezes, apple cider, campfires, hot chocolate,  s'mores, colorful leaves. Okay, I still have to wait a month or so for that one. But, I love fall in the north.

September also brings a settling into the routine of the school year. The newness is overcome and we start to "hit our stride". This year that settledness probably isn't as settled or as comfortable with the changes brought by COVID-19 or maybe the new teacher, school, routine, online or homeschooling is hitting some snags and isn't going well. 

I think we can all agree that this year has been a doozie. September marks the 7th month of our country and lives collectively being changed by the measures taken for a virus and the future being unpredictable. Being families with special needs, we've been through that unpredictable process before, even though this is very different.

But that isn't a new state of being for us, is it? 

What do we do when our lives are in upheaval and we can't project how or when they will be better again? One of the best things I've learned to help my state of mind and emotions during times of overwhelm, unsureness (of course, that's a word!), upheaval, unpredictability, trial, etc are looking at, learning, and remembering the names of God. Many of His names are based on His characteristics - who He is. In the Bible, names were often given based on their meaning. God even changed people's names to reflect a change in their life and to match the meaning of their name to that change.

Psalm 9:10 says, "And those who know your name put their trust in you." Trust in God is something that can keep us sane, focused, and at peace during times of unrest. I don't know about you, but when I focus on me and my circumstances, I lose focus on God and my anxiousness and unrest increases.

Intentionally recalling the names of God refocuses me on Him.

If you would like a great book to learn more about the names of God, check out God's Names by Sally Michael. This is a devotional I did with my boys a few years back that continues to bless me.

Written by Sarah McGuire

Buy on Amazon

Sarah McGuire  is the Mom of two boys and co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that guides parents to Christ-centered hope and healing. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here. You can also check out Hope Anew’s Online Community here! 

Due to COVID-19, Hope Anew is waiving all membership fees for the community!

As an Amazon Associate, Hope Anew earns from qualifying purchases.

A Good Habit To Break

I overheard a teen at the check out counter the other day use the word "retarded." He wasn't talking about someone but something that was "retarded." Believe it or not, I hear it fairly frequently.  When I do, I try to be polite and let it roll off my back. I'd even say it doesn't rank high in my list of pet peeves since most people don't even think about what it really means.  

The R-word is an expression used for retard or retarded, words considered offensive and disrespectful when used to describe people with intellectual disabilities.  It is also used to insult people, places, and things.  The verb "retard" means to hinder or to make something slow. "Mental retardation" was introduced as a medical term for people with intellectual disabilities , replacing terms that were considered to be more offensive.

Over time, the word "retard" came to be used as an insult, tossed around the playground as a synonym for "stupid" or "dumb." It is not a respectful way to refer to individuals with any kind of disability.

We often fail to understand how words can hurt until they become personal. Right now our country is in a war of words. Books have been written to teach us how to use politically correct words for race, religion, and politics. 

While 'disability awareness' isn't trending like some other topics, I hope you're willing to think about this population for a moment today. 

Here are a few thoughts from a mom of a kid with special needs:

1. Stereotypes are crippling. It affects how the world views my son. He is not dumb or stupid, just a person with  genes ordered differently that you or I.

2. I wish that Ben's siblings never had to hear that word.  I don't want them to think of their brother as "less than" in any way.  He is much more than his intellectual capability.  

3. I'm not trying to censor anyone's language, or be politically correct. I just want to use words that provide appropriate consideration, dignity, and respect for people with disabilities.

4. I'm also not trying to shame anyone.  I've used "stupid" or "dumb" in the wrong way before having Ben.  But, having Ben has taught me that the value of a person is not found in their cognitive abilities. 

5. It's never too late. Maybe you only use the word occasionally or maybe it's a habit. But it's never too late to stop. Here's a way I can help you.

Every time you are about to say the R word... please think about the people you are hurting when you you throw around such a useless word.  There may be someone within earshot that has a friend, sibling or child with a disability.  Consider if their loved one should be reduced to "dumb" or "stupid".  

Also, think about the value that those with disabilities bring into the world.  For example, my kid brings more laughter and happiness to my life than I could ever imagine.  He takes life in stride and could teach us all to not take things so seriously.  Rather than being "dumb", it's almost like he is a genius at teaching joy.

He has compassion. He feels and loves big.  And when you love big, you can also feel hurt deeply.  He hurts not just for himself but for the ones who are hurting around him.  He has a Master's degree in compassion.

He has accomplished many things. He plays soccer, baseball, runs track, and was manager of the Middle School basketball team, High School baseball and football team. 

He is daily teaching me about loving, laughing, patience and working hard.

So the next time you think about using the "r" word just think about him!

It is really a good habit to break and worth it to us!

Written by Leigh Ann Kaman

Leigh Ann Kaman is a wife and mom to three kids, one of which has Down Syndrome. She advocates in the special needs community and has started a ministry in her church for those touched by special needs. She is also actively involved in Capernaum, a ministry of Young Life for young adults with disabilities. Writing about her life as a special needs parent has always been her passion. 

We’ll Get Through This

We’ll get through this.

 Those are the words I was about to type for the beginning of this post when the tornado siren blew. I grabbed my computer and phone and ran through the kitchen toward the basement apartment where our daughter and her family live.

She met me on the stairs. “Mom, tell the construction crew to come inside.”

10 minutes earlier  they’d been in the footing trenches for our house addition, building forms so the pumper truck could pour concrete. Now they were running through driving rain to their truck.

I opened the front door and flagged them down. Soon my daughter, my son-in-law, my grandkids and I were sharing the basement with 4 strangers sheltering from the storm together.

None of us had masks. We stayed as far from one another as we could, and we watched as the storm intensified. The electricity flickered and went out. A doe and fawn ran across the back pasture desperate for cover.

The construction workers called to see how their families were. My husband called from work to see how we were. “We’re okay,” I said. “We’ll get through this.”

After a half hour, the storm let up and the construction guys left. “Let’s hope no one gets COVID,” I said once they were gone. “We had to choose between possible death for them and a slight risk of sickness for us,” my daughter replied. “We made the right choice.”

We went upstairs a few minutes later and found trees down, our yard light down, electrical lines down. Miraculously not one branch had landed on our house, our camper, or our cars. The damage was a new bead to add to the string of challenges weathered by our family over the years.

My mom’s family survived the Great Depression by shooting pigeons and raising vegetables. She was in high school during World War 2.

My parents weren’t even 30 when Dad was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Mom furthered her education while teaching school, raising 3 kids, and caring for Dad.

My husband and I cared for our medically-fragile baby while living 70 miles from a hospital. That baby lived with PTSD for 26 years before it was diagnosed and treated.

Floods, blizzards, ice storms and more in our 43 years of marriage.

Now this unusually ferocious and widespread rain, wind, lightening, and thunderstorm. In the middle of a pandemic. While building an addition onto our house.

Our family, like yours, has an ever-growing string of challenges. I, perhaps unlike you, have doubted God’s goodness during the worst bits of them. But in every case, once the bead is knotted in place, I look back and recognize the same two life-giving truths.

God was present with us from beginning to end. And our faith is the stronger for it.

This morning, still without electricity, my husband headed outside to cut up branches and haul them away. On his way out the door, he smiled and said, “We’ll get through this.”

With all my heart, I want you to know that what my husband said is true. Whatever your hardship or challenge is today, be very sure that you will too.

Nevertheless, the righteous shall hold to his way,

And he who has clean hands shall grow stronger and stronger.

Job 17:9

Jolene Philo is the author of the Different Dream series for parents of kids with special needs. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. She recently co-authored Sharing Love Abundantly in Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities with Dr. Gary Chapman. Her blog for parents raising children with special needs and disabilities can be found at www.DifferentDream.com.

Stages In The Parenting Journey Part 1

In 11 days from when I’m writing this, our family is scheduled to launch out on an epic adventure. A 9 to 10 month cross-country RV trip. We are getting final details in place – paperless billing, homeschool supplies set, wardrobes minimized, sizes updated (growing boys – sheesh, all the fall clothes are too small), and so much more.

As I reflect on how this epic adventure came about, I see a great similarity in this actual trip and the process parents of kids with special needs go through in their journey. There are stages in both journeys and they parallel.

I’ve been asked repeatedly if this was something we’ve always wanted to do, planned to do, saved money to do. Uhhh, no. Personally, I always thought it would be amazing and cool, but thought it would never be possible for us because of the expense and upkeep of having a house while also getting an RV and leaving for months on end. And then…

Stage 1 – Shattered Hopes.

We learned our house had mold. Our dream house. The prettiest two acres you’ve ever seen bordered by pine trees giving it privacy, a lovely pond that gives my child, who is allergic to chlorine, a place to swim to his heart’s content, grandma and grandpa next door to love on my boys and for my boys to help them with projects, the most efficiently designed 4 bedroom house with large rooms and double closets I’ve ever laid on eyes with a dream kitchen and custom cabinets, a lovely workshop out back for Jonathan. Organic fruit trees, berries, and my favorite flowers dotted throughout the property. And oh the gorgeous welcome of the tree-lined drive that flowers deep pink in spring. But, I have been struggling with health issues for several years and no doctors were able to figure out what was wrong or how to help me feel better. Through a process of elimination and investigation we learned…mold. In our home and in our church, which doubles as our homeschool co-op building. The two places I spent nearly all of my time. I had become so incredibly sensitive to mold that in order to heal, even after fixing moisture issues and remediating, we knew we’d have to move. No more dream home and property, no more homeschool co-op, no more involvement with our church family at the church building. Crushed plans. Shattered hopes. Loss.

Does that sound familiar to your special needs journey?

When you were pregnant, so many hopes and dreams and plans for who your child might grow up to be. A sweet little girl with silky brown curls and a love of… maybe horses? Maybe rainbows? Maybe a math whiz? Or a bookworm? Who grows to be a teacher, doctor, accountant? Dad walking her down the aisle in her dream wedding dress. A delightful little boy with freckles who scares his sister with surprise frogs, plays fetch with the dog, collects rocks, and delights in watching the garbage truck on Tuesdays. A track runner? A football linebacker? A robotics champion? The possibilities fill your head with dreams and possibilities…but then a vacant stare, not responding to his name,  her ultrasound shows an abnormality, a seizure, lost words, flapping hands, a NICU stay – for months, surgeries. A diagnosis.

Life as you dreamed, hoped and planned will never be the same, will never happen. Life will be forever altered. You are crushed. Your dreams are shattered. Your heart is broken. What was will never be again. And what is ahead, you do not know other than that it will be hard.

At this point, you may jump right into action mode, might bury your head in denial (that may be okay, temporarily, it is part of the grief process after all), might get angry – at God, doctors, your spouse, yourself, or just life in general. You and your spouse may react in opposite ways. It’s not uncommon for the wife to jump straight into research while the husband defaults into denial and anger.

Just as we didn’t stay in the stage of Shattered Hopes when we found out that we had to move out of our dream home and leave our church family, this stage is not the end-all be-all in our journey as parents of children impacted by disabilities and special needs. In the upcoming weeks, I will continue to share how our rv adventure compares to our special needs journey and look more closely at the stages that many of us go through.

Written by Sarah McGuire

Sarah McGuire  is the Mom of two boys and co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that guides parents to Christ-centered hope and healing. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here. You can also check out Hope Anew’s Online Community here!

Due to COVID-19, Hope Anew is waiving all membership fees for the community!

Count Your Blessings: A Way To Stay Sane in a Crisis

Count your blessings, name them one by one,

Count your blessings, see what God has done!

When I was much younger, I rolled my eyes every time we sang this hymn at church. To my mind, the lyrics touted a solution far too simplistic for the troubles our family faced.

Even when I did as instructed, life didn’t get better.

 My dad was sick and getting sicker. My mom shouldered too much stress as she worked to feed and clothe us. The trend continued after the birth of our son. Five years and seven surgeries into his young life, life was hard and getting harder.

 So far as the count your blessings thing went, I told God to count me out.

 Then, one day the beginning of Zechariah 4:10 caught my eye: “For who has despised the day of small things?” (NASB)

Hmmmmm. 

If my response to the lyrics of Count Your Blessings was any indication, I had been despising the day of small things for years. Maybe even decades. 

Not good. Not good at all. 

An attitude change was long overdue, and it was a hard change to make. But as I began to look for small blessings, it was easier to see and delight in them. 

And then, along came COVID-19.

 The temptation was strong to stop searching for small and good things while living through such a vast pandemic. But for my own mental and spiritual health, I kept looking for and found these 10 tiny and precious treasures.

1. The ability to walk. My dad’s 38 years in a wheelchair make me grateful for mobility every day.

2. Favorite notebooks and mechanical pencils. I don’t know why speckled composition books, yellow legal pads, architectural mechanical pencils bring great joy, but they do.

3.  Ordering online. It’s fast. (At least the ordering part is fast.) It’s easy. And it’s much safer for old coots like me who want to stay healthy until the risk of catching COVID-19 go down. 

4. Our espresso machine. Several members of our household love good coffee, so we splurged on it last summer. The coronavirus shut down feels less confining with delicious espresso at hand.

5. It’s spring. More daylight and warmer temperatures bring me joy and hope.

6. Bird song. Another daily source of joy and hope.

7. Intergenerational living. We live in the same house with our daughter, son-in-law, and their two children. This intentional living arrangement began 4 years ago, and it takes work to keep things going smoothly. To us, it’s worth it. Doubly so during the shut down. Our daughter trimmed my hair a few weeks back. Our son-in-law does the grocery shopping. And water, sewer, garbage, and energy bills are split between families. Win! Win! Win!

8. Eavesdropping on a 5-year-old at play. This could have been lumped in with #7, but listening in on a child’s make believe world is so dear, it deserves its own spot.

9. Happy birthday to me. Our 2-year-old granddaughter sings this when she washes her hands. It’s too much cuteness to lump in with #7.

10.  FaceTime. We use it to connect with our other 2 grands and with my 91-year-old mom who’s in a residential care facility. Because of #7, all our grands can visit at the same time, and Mom gets to see her great-grands. More wins!

Caregiving or COVID-19 can make it hard to count your blessings, and I get that. But I encourage you to look for them, no matter how small. They have the power to keep you sane in a crisis.

Because little things matter.

Tiny things count.

Small things add up.

And you are worth it.

Jolene Philo is the author of the Different Dream series for parents of kids with special needs. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. She recently co-authored Sharing Love Abundantly in Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities with Dr. Gary Chapman. Her blog for parents raising children with special needs and disabilities can be found at www.DifferentDream.com.

Parents of kids with Special Needs – YOU ARE AMAZING!

I was walking up the driveway pondering some of the parents of kids with special needs we know and marveling at the common traits they have and how exceptional they are. I think parents of kids with special needs are some of the most wonderful, amazing people I have ever met.

Here are 5 reason why:

1. They have their priorities straight. So much of America’s population, even Christian, Bible-believing, church going population is about achievement, looking good, having fun, wearing the right brand of clothing, being cool and keeping up with the Jones’. If you can’t do that or don’t care to do that, you kind of disappear from being accepted and included.

   As a group, the special needs parents I have met have learned that relationships, loving other and being there for each other in hard times matter more than anything else next to clinging to God. Yes, they love a good night at the movies and wouldn’t turn down a trip to Dollywood. After-all, Dollywood has a sensory room for when junior hits meltdown, which can make the trip a possibility.

2. They have learned to face difficulties. Challenges have become a way of life. Parents of kids with special needs are the strongest, most determined, loving, ferocious (mama bear, anyone?) group of people I’ve ever met. Daily life is difficult to say the least. Some seasons require just living through the next minute or hour, forget planning for tomorrow, next week or next year. They are masters at flexibility and changing plans as navigating around obstacles has become second nature.

3. They see value and worth where others see inability and hardship. While looking in from the outside, others see children or people who can’t walk, can’t talk, look different, are challenging, need help, take resources. Parents of kids with special needs see the most treasured people in their life who give unconditional love, bring joy, work harder than anyone to succeed at the simplest of tasks, get delight from simple things that others easily overlook, and a myriad of other qualities. Just talk to a parent of and adult child with special needs and you’ll likely hear how their child with special needs has blessed them more than they ever anticipated.

4. They never give up. Yes, they get weary – very weary. They may want to quit – for a day in order to nap and rejuvenate. They may want things to be easier, but when it doesn’t get easier, they still don’t give up. This is their child, whom they love dearly. Spouses may walk out. Parents and in-laws may criticize and belittle. Friends may desert them. But, they never quit on their child. They do what is within their power and resources to help and love that child to the best of their abilities.

5. They turn hardship into blessing for others. It may take a few years because those early years they are just barely surviving, and they may go back to survival mode here and there as their kids get older and hit different challenges. But, once they get the hang of things, they start helping other parents of kids with special needs. I’ve met a mom who started an entire company of patented weighted blankets that started because of her daughter’s special needs, and my son has benefitted from her blankets. I’ve met a mom who started a nonprofit helping others learn how to rest and rejuvenate in the midst of great pressures, duties and stresses because of her own journey as a mom of multiple kids with special needs. I’ve met many parents of kids with special needs who write and speak to encourage and equip other parents and to church ministry leaders to help them be able to reach out and help more families. I could go on and on about the incredible things parents have done to help others.

That’s my husband’s and my story too. Both of our backgrounds are in counseling. We were missionaries and he was doing trauma healing work in a refugee camp in South Sudan when he saw the correlation between the trauma and questions the refugees were struggling with and the challenges he and I had experienced as parents of a child with special needs. When he got home to the States, he shared with me and as we talked to other parents the need was obvious. We couldn’t find an organization that was addressing it, so a few years later we started Hope Anew.

Moms and dads of exceptional kiddos, we applaud you and we think you are amazing. I know most days you struggle to make it from morning to night and some of you struggle to make it through the night too. I know you are barely hanging on sometimes. I know your heart wrenches as you watch your child struggle daily with the simplest of things. I know your heart weeps when you can’t provide something that will help your child. I know your heart leaps and sings when they conquer a task they’ve worked at for years. I know it’s a tough road. But I also know you have risen to the challenge and are making all the difference in the world for your child. Thanks for being an amazing parent.

You are our heroes!

Written by Sarah McGuire

Sarah McGuire  is the Mom of two boys and co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that guides parents to Christ-centered hope and healing. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here. You can also check out Hope Anew’s Online Community here!

 Due to COVID-19, Hope Anew is waiving all membership fees for the community!

Overcoming Parental Burnout

Help! I’m on the road to parenting burnout and don’t know what to do!

 This is a hard place to be. When we struggle with burnout at work, we can look for another job if needed. When we find ourselves here as parents, it can feel hopeless at times. We can’t just say,  “I’m done being a mom or a dad”. Although my wife has tried that but after a couple hours she’s ready to jump back in.

As parents whose children have additional needs, the recommendations you are about to read will seem difficult and if you are a single parent, they will seem impossible.

So what do we do when we recognize we are showing signs of burnout?

1. Talk to someone and ask for help!

If you are married, let your spouse know where you are at emotionally and ask if they can help with a specific task.  “I am completely overwhelmed and could use extra help for a while. Can you watch the kids for a couple hours while I get groceries?” (You might want to allow extra time to drink a cup of coffee at the local coffee shop and bring one back for your helper. 😁)

If you are a single parent, this is really hard. Do you have a friend that you trust that you can both share where you are at and that you can ask for help from?

It is oddly hard for us to ask for help. There are a lot of reasons for this. We may be thinking that we don’t want to add extra burden on someone else or one of many other excuses.

Here are three things to keep in mind when asking for help:

• Be specific. It is hard for someone to agree to help when they don’t know what they are agreeing to.

• Be flexible. If a person is only available to help during a certain time, what can you reschedule to try to make that time work?

• Let go of perfection. Realize that things may not be done perfectly or the way you would do it. If it is not something that threatens the health of your child, then let it go.

2. Prioritize sleep.

You likely know this is a need already. Our bodies need sleep. This may mean taking a nap as a family. You may need to ask a spouse, friend, someone from church or a babysitter to watch the kids while you take a nap. This may mean that the stack of dishes doesn’t get washed or put away or that load of laundry doesn’t get folded.

3.     See a counselor.

Many churches have an agreement with local counselors and will pay for you to see the therapist. There was a period in our journey when Sarah went to see a therapist that our church provided. The main motivating factor for her was so she could have an hour break.

4.     Establish a routine and minimize multitasking. 

I’ve heard multiple parents express that they are experiencing decision fatigue. Routine will help with this. Establish a two week menu plan so you don’t have to think about what you are going to eat every day and so you can use the same grocery list each time. Determine which outfit you will wear each day of the week and stick with it so you don’t have to think about it every morning. One mom we know wears a t-shirt every Monday that says, “This is my Monday uniform.”

We often feel pressured to multitask. In some cases, I feel like this is especially true for women. The truth about multi-tasking is that it can decrease our productivity by up to 40% and we typically feel more stressed as a result. It is not completely unavoidable, but how can you set boundaries to minimize the amount of multitasking you do in a day. 

5.     Take a break.

It is important to take a break, even if it is only 5 minutes.  Let’s be real though. Sometimes we need a longer break.

Here are some ideas to help with that:

• Talk with your pastor and see if there is grand parent or nurse that would volunteer to  come watch the kids. You don’t even have to go anywhere. You could take a nap!

• Check with area churches and see if any of them provide a respite night for parents of children impacted by disabilities and special needs.

• If you don’t see a church that does this, check out 99 Balloons or Nathaniel’s Hope and see if they come alongside families in your area.

6.     Take care of your body.  

This is often the last thing that we want to do. It adds extra stress when we think about it and seems like more work.

What we put into our bodies can help or hinder our recovery from burnout. Nutrient dense foods provide us with the fuel we need to recover. Our eating habits do impact our overall health, energy levels and how we feel about ourselves.  I’m not saying that we need to always eat organic freshly prepared meals. Sometimes self-care means throwing that frozen pizza in the oven and having a bag of chips.

Related to this is being physically active. Aside from the physical benefits, being active can boost energy and increase those feel good hormones. This doesn’t have to be going to the gym for an hour each day. It can be  as simple as going on a walk with your dog, playing outside with your kids,  or taking time to stretch your body.

7.     Laugh.  

When we are stressed, it can be difficult to find things to smile about and laugh about. Laughter is refreshing and lightens the mood of the entire house. Save a folder on your computer with links to funny videos, jokes, etc. Take a 5 minute laugh break every day and this will help so much with your stress levels. Even fake or forced laughing has been shown to be beneficial. In fact, here is a funny video to help get you started.

Change and recovering our health happen incrementally. Don’t feel like you have to do everything on this list this week, but what is one thing you can do?

Written by Jonathan McGuire

Jonathan McGuire  is  the father of two sons and the co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that comes alongside the parents of children impacted by disability on a spiritual and emotional level. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here.

Hope Anew has launched the Hope Anew Online Community and would love to have you be a part of it! You can learn more at www.HopeAnew.com.  Due to COVID-19, Hope Anew is waiving all membership fees for the community!

Parenting Burnout

It is week number whatever since COVID-19 began and I am making good progress on my coffee stash.  The cutesy Facebook posts highlighting everyone’s Pinterest projects are starting to fade. The smiles are starting to look more strained  as parents are wondering how much longer they will have to be the counselors/craft room directors at “Camp Corona.”

When asked how they are doing, I have heard multiple parents sheepishly reply that they “need a break from their kids.”  

There is a feeling of always being “on” and no end in sight. Parents are helping their kids navigate emotions, trying to come up with activities, and teaching school. They may have less help and support to care for their children impacted by disability. They are helping their children work through interpersonal conflict with each other and trying to come up with out of the box ways for their children to have social interaction. This is all while trying to figure out the rest of life. You know the little things like jobs, bills, taxes, food, and toilet paper.

I’m going to make a comparison that you may find to be controversial and may make you uncomfortable but if we were looking at someone who had these types of stressors at their regular place of employment, we would say that they were at risk of “burnout.”

You may be thinking to yourself, “but parents aren’t allowed to burnout.”

 If you Google burnout, you will get the following definition:

“Burnout is a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. It occurs when you feel overwhelmed, emotionally drained, and unable to meet constant demands.”

Does this sound familiar? In all reality, due to the nature of this journey in special needs and disabilities, you have likely found yourself in this position prior to COVID-19.

In those times where you find yourself fantasizing about a half day where you don’t have to be a parent, a spouse and a care giver, you likely have recoiled and buried the emotion. We feel guilty because we fear it means that we love our families less and are fearful of sharing this emotion with others because we are afraid of what they may think.

I want to encourage you. This feeling doesn’t mean that you love your family less but it is a feeling we should take seriously when we experience it. It serves as a warning.

I recently heard the analogy that batteries only have so much energy that they can expend before they are completely depleted. This is true of us as well.  We know that if we want to use our cell phones tomorrow, we can’t just use them non-stop and not charge them.  Similarly, we need to charge our own batteries. This is done through self-care.

So how are you doing? Do you recognize the signs of burnout in your life? If so, what is one thing you can do today to begin recharging your battery?

If you need ideas for self-care, feel free to download our pdf on “5 Minute Vacations” or watch the video here. We will also be talking about this more in upcoming posts.

Written by Jonathan McGuire

Jonathan McGuire  is  the father of two sons and the co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that comes alongside the parents of children impacted by disability on a spiritual and emotional level. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here.

Hope Anew has launched the Hope Anew Online Community and would love to have you be a part of it! You can learn more at www.HopeAnew.com.

Due to COVID-19, Hope Anew is waiving all membership fees for the community!

A Better Way

Here in Illinois we are in week 4 of the Coronavirus lockdown and our house is rapidly edging toward stir crazy. I am used to working from home. Pretty much no one else here is. My wife is a raging extravert and my daughter, a sophomore in high school, desperately wants to see her friends. Our oldest can’t go to work because it is shut down. Even my autistic son Nathan, who is in a transition program he doesn’t really like, wants to go back to school. Online school simply isn’t the same. His mom has been his paraprofessional and she is tough.

For most of us, the coronavirus pandemic is inconvenient, but for others, it really is causing suffering: people are dying from this disease, businesses are failing because they cannot operate. There is going to be fallout for some time to come. Just like our series looking at the causes of suffering related to our special needs children, many of us are asking why this pandemic is happening. Is it our fault? Is it God’s fault or the devil’s fault? Is there no fault at all? What are we to do about this?

As we have seen, these questions often lead to answers that come up short. The Bible simply doesn’t offer us a catalog of reasons for suffering. Sometimes we will suffer for following God, but that is clearly not the only kind of suffering we see in Scripture. Sometimes the reason is hidden. Sometimes we don’t get a reason. So what are we to do? How do we face another day, another meltdown, another shattered dream?

We look to God.

I know, I know, that sounds trite. A “Jesus Juke”. Something the person who has never had a problem says. I get it. I am tempted to respond that way, but beyond the cliché there is something real. When I say “look to God”, I mean it. Look to God’s character. When we do this, something very important comes to light.

Throughout the Old Testament, God is patient with his people. Old School King James: “long-suffering”. Over and over again God’s people fail. Adam and Eve, Cain, Abraham (often the same failures repeatedly), Jacob, Moses, the entire book of Judges, Saul, David, Solomon . . . you get the picture. God never abandons his people. He never walks away. They provoke his anger, yet he is patient. When his people repent, he is always there for them. He may have seemed far away, silent, but he is always closer than they think. Perhaps the most dramatic picture is the book of Hosea – a man who is repeatedly betrayed by his wife, who suffers greatly because of it, but who sees restoration and healing. Hosea is a picture of God and his wife Gomer is Israel. God understands suffering and is in his very nature long-suffering. But this is not the end of the story.

 In Jesus we see something more. Not only does God suffer because of his people, in Jesus he suffers with his people. Paul, in Philippians 2:5-11 reminds us that Jesus was God who chose to become a slave, a human and to die a violent death on our behalf. God suffers with his creation. God suffers for his creation. 

When we ask “why?!”, we mostly want to know that this suffering matters, that someone cares. Jesus shows us that God does care, that he is paying attention even if we do not see it. This changes everything. When we realize that God suffers on behalf of his rebellious children, the very children who broke his beautiful creation, when we see that he has taken the job of repairing the breach on himself, we can be encouraged to face the next day, the next challenge, the next . . .

We do not always see or understand how or where God is at work. We know, we have seen, that he is trustworthy. Jesus reminds us that God sees even the sparrow fall and that we are worth far more than a sparrow (Matt. 10:29-31). 

“Why?” is an important question, a question that does not, I believe, offend God in the slightest. It is a question we ought to ask. But we can’t live there. In Jesus God shows us that we don’t have to. In Jesus God holds out his hand to us and says

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. (Matt. 11:28-30)

Written by Kevin O’Brien

Kevin O’Brien is a husband, father, ordained minister, writer and volunteer theologian. He holds a Master of Divinity and Master of Theology from Liberty Baptist Theological Seminary where he won the Th.M. award in 1997. He has also done graduate work at the Institute for Christian Studies in Toronto.  Kevin worked as a brand manager on the Bible team at Tyndale House Publishers. During his time at Tyndale he has helped to develop several Bibles and has written articles which have appeared in The Way, the iShine Bible, and the Illustrated Study Bible. He also wrote a series of devotionals for WAYFM’s World’s Biggest Small Group.

Most recently, Kevin wrote an Advent devotional eBook. You can find it here. 

Kevin lives in the far western suburbs of Chicago with his wife, three children, a dog, and a cat. He would prefer to spend his time reading, writing, woodworking and watching the Chicago Blackhawks.

Seasons of Doubt

Hi Friends, it's April! I can't wait to see flowers start to bloom and trees start to bud after this winter season. Living in northern Indiana, we get to experience all four seasons very distinctly.

The theme in the Hope Anew Online Community this month is Questions, especially regarding God, Scriptures, and faith. This journey in disability and special needs has a way of making us question and rethink our worldview and priorities. Sometimes, whether we want to question them or not. We want to encourage you that if you are going through a time of unrest in your view of life and God, the Hope Anew Online Community is a safe place to voice those doubts, ask those questions, and work through that process. 

God is incredibly patient and understanding with us. He invites us to come to Him with our cares, fears, doubts, disappointments, misunderstandings, anger, and grief. He offers salvation because He knows we are a mess. He doesn't expect us to come to Him polished and perfect. He holds His arms wide in welcome, loving us as we are, and holds our hand as we take the next step in becoming more like Him. 

If you are currently in a time of questioning God, feeling abandoned and disillusioned by Him, keep asking, keep seeking, keep bringing those doubts, fears, anger, and grief to Him. Just as winter in Indiana can seem like it will never end, time and history show us that it will. Spring will come, flowers will bloom in their own right time if we wait for it.

If you keep pressing into God, asking questions, seeking HIM for who He is, He will meet your need for Him. His answer may not be what you were expecting or desiring, but it will be a good answer because that is His character. He is a good Father. He sees you and has promised never to abandon His children. 

All fees related to the community have been waived, so you can now join for free. I’m loving having a supportive, encouraging community of parents who “get it” and would love to have you join us!

Sarah McGuire  is the Mom of two boys and co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that guides parents to Christ-centered hope and healing. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here. You can also check out Hope Anew’s Online Community here!

4 Steps for Navigating Fear

In last week’s article, I shared how fear serves an important role and acts like the warning light on the dash of our car.  How did last week go? Did you recognize this warning light going off in yourself, your spouse, or child?

If your answer is yes, then you may be wondering what to do. Here are four steps to help you navigate your fear and for you to help your family members navigate their fears:

1.     Pray & remind yourself of who God is:

Take a deep, slow breath or 20 and share your fears with your heavenly father. Ask Him for His peace and wisdom. Remind yourself of those truths in God’s word about who He is and His character. For example, He is sovereign and all knowing.

2.     Develop & implement a plan:

For example:

1. Determine steps needed to protect your family from getting sick, such as limit social interaction, wash hands, etc.

2. Establish a new routine – after being somewhere, get in car and use hand sanitizer on hands, inside door handle, phone and wallet before touching the steering wheel

3. Check into alternative options to meet medical needs, if the need arises

4. Think of alternative solutions for social engagement

5. …..

This will not be a one and done plan. As you implement it, you will need to revise it to better meet your family’s needs. There will be items on the list that you won’t have immediate solutions for but part of your plan may be steps to find those solutions.

3.     Find a community:

Fear becomes more paralyzing when we go through it alone. Find a community that gets it but be aware of the culture of that community.  You become like the people you spend the most time with. If the community is negative and not hope-filled, that will feed your fear and not reset it.

As a side note, if this is a need that you see in your life, I would like to invite you to join the Hope Anew Online Community. This is a great time to join as we have waived the membership fee. You can learn more at HopeAnew.com

4.     Look for ways to bless others:

When we look for ways to be “Jesus with skin on” to others, it can take our focus off ourselves and we can receive joy as we encourage others.

During this time you may need to be creative but it can become a fun family project.

As you are figuring out how to navigate this new season, remember that God is with you. He loves you and your family. He will never leave you and never forsake you.

Written by Jonathan McGuire

Jonathan McGuire  is  the father of two sons and the co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that comes alongside the parents of children impacted by disability on a spiritual and emotional level. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here.

Hope Anew has launched the Hope Anew Online Community and would love to have you be a part of it! You can learn more at www.HopeAnew.com.  Due to COVID-19, Hope Anew is waiving all membership fees for the community!

Written by Jonathan McGuire

Is It Okay To Fear?

Is it okay to fear?

This is a question I keep finding myself asking, especially with the current COVID-19 pandemic. As I talk with other people and watch posts on social media, I see an unspoken tension between families who are fearful about the current health pandemic and those who say, “Do not fear and be courageous.”

Families fear for their parents or spouses that fall in the high risk category. Mothers are fearful for their spouses and children who have “essential” jobs and still have to go out. Parents are fearful of losing their jobs or how to provide for their families if they have lost their jobs. Moms and dads are fearful of how to protect their medically fragile children and make sure they have what they need whether that is medication, special equipment or even special food for restricted diets.

I remember standing in church singing, “There’s No Fear In Love.” This is a direct quote from the first sentence 1 John 4:18. The entirety of this passage reads:

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

Every time I sang this song, I would internally scoff and think, “Really…no fear.” Then I would get irritated as I thought of those who received a new diagnosis for their child and were scared or found themselves in a situation that was out of their control such as a job loss, cancer diagnosis or myriad of other fear inducing scenarios. I would half-heartedly sing through the song and move on.

If you look at the verse leading up to 1 John 4:18, it says the following:

“This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus.”

“There’s no fear in love” refers to the day of judgement. Those who have a relationship with God through His son, Jesus, do not have to fear on the day of judgement.

So back to the original question. Is it okay to fear? Yes…but. 

God created our emotions, including fear. Fear can serve a beneficial purpose. It can help trigger that fight or flight response. If a lion starts to chase you, fear pushes you to take action and to try to escape. It is like the warning light on your dash that tells you something needs to happen. If you ignore that low fuel light for long, you will find that your car will stop moving.

That light on your car’s dash makes you pause and put together a plan. You mentally go through the check list of determining how far you can go, when you will fill up and what gas station you will stop at to get gas. A plan is put in place.

Similarly, when fear lights up on our internal dashboard it should make us pause, figure out why it is showing up and then determine our response or action plan. 

You may be thinking to yourself, you said, “Yes…but” when you asked if it is okay to fear. What is the “but.”

Have you ever watched a YouTube video or National Geographic show where a giant predator starts to attack its prey and the prey freezes in place? This is when fear becomes bad. When fear becomes all-consuming to the point that we are frozen in inaction.

It is also bad when it becomes chronic. When we live in a chronic state of  “fight and flight”, our bodies will respond negatively. It will negatively affect our emotional, physical, and spiritual health.

So what can we do when we see that dash light? Next week we will look at four steps to walk through when we start to feel fearful.

As you look at how you are doing during this time, are there any dash board lights going off? If you are married or have children, do you see any warning lights going on with your family members?

Written by Jonathan McGuire

Jonathan McGuire  is  the father of two sons and the co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that comes alongside the parents of children impacted by disability on a spiritual and emotional level. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here.

Hope Anew has launched the Hope Anew Online Community and would love to have you be a part of it! You can learn more at www.HopeAnew.com. Due to COVID-19, all membership fees have been waived.

The Prayers You Say Waiting at the Food Counter

“And those servants went out into the roads and gathered all whom they found, both bad and good. So the wedding hall was filled with guests.” (Matt. 22:10 ESV)

One of the most challenging things to do as a special needs parent is to take your child out to crowded public places, specifically restaurants, as there is frequently a great deal of stimulus and activity. There are also lots of variables, even when you go to a place you’ve been to before and your child is experienced with, as everyday can bring something different. But when you go to a completely new place, then it can quickly feel like the whole world is up for grabs, and you do your best to try to assess the situation quickly.

One recent weekend, I found myself in a new restaurant with my son and while I was excited to eat there with him, I realized the difficulties that were going to come with it soon after we entered.

It was relatively empty with only a few tables being used in the main dining area, but I still chose a table as far back as possible as I have become accustomed to, and told him to wait while I ordered the food. I raced up to the counter and began to scan the rather full menu and made choices as quickly as possible, when all of a sudden I heard a peculiar sound. I turned to the side to glance over at my son, assuming the worst, and standing there I observed my son having opened a folding door near our table. The folding door covered up some mechanical things in the restaurant and he had become very curious with the machinery, and the folding door. I quickly put my order in, paid and ran back over to my son to let him know to stop and he couldn’t do that, but the whole time in between the ordering and getting back to the table seemed like forever. I could have easily just screamed across the restaurant at him but I didn’t want to embarrass him, yet I couldn’t help but start to feel embarrassed anyway. 

I went right back up to the counter to wait for the food, and grabbed all of my necessary cutlery and napkins and such, and went right back to the table while we waited for the food to arrive, changing the apps on his Ipad to keep him distracted. The food came a few minutes later and that instantly calmed him, as usual, and we proceeded to have a relaxing time. That is, until it was time for him to be done, and after sitting for an extended time deciding  he was done and needing to get up and walk. I promptly cleaned up and we went to the bathroom and left, getting through another meal the same way we usually do, but also grateful that we didn’t have a scene with him opening the closet door earlier. But as we walked out I remembered that not one person made a comment to us the entire time we were there, and I considered that maybe even after all these as a special needs parent, I still struggle. 

I struggle with my son being called out for bad behavior, or actions that just don’t look normal, or with myself for appearing like some frantic parent who can’t handle their child. But the fact remains that when no one makes those comments, and when we can get in and out of a restaurant without a comment or even a look, I wonder to myself, am I trusting the prayers I say while i wait at the food counter? Am I believing in the God I pray to that he is hearing me when I struggle with those experiences, and remember the power in the prayers that I say when I need his help the most? It is a solemn wake up call for me, that the God I pray to once reminded us that all should be invited to the wedding feast, so that every table, and every heart, was full.

Written by John Felageller

Connect with John on his Facebook page: www.facebook.com/johnsspecialneedsblog/

"What Do You Mean There Is A Problem With My Child"

“What do you mean there is a problem with my child?”

In some ways the parent who refuses to acknowledge their child’s special needs is harder to help than the person who blames themselves or God or the devil for the reality they are facing (see the previous articles in this series for all of these responses). Sometimes it is hard to know what to do or to say even when you have been there yourself, even when you too have wanted to deny this reality.

As a society we have become much better at giving people with special needs dignity and respect. We don’t tolerate language or statements about people with special needs that were commonplace when I was in school. All of this is a step in the right direction, but sometimes I wonder if in our desire to do better, we haven’t also made a serious mistake.

Have we made it too hard to acknowledge brokenness?

I feel for the parent who does not want to acknowledge that their child has “special needs”. I have been there. It feels like a betrayal or failure. It dashes hopes and dreams, makes us feel like we are somehow less and means admitting that we are not really in control. Even more, I feel for the child who will not get the help they so desperately need until their parents acknowledge the truth. When a parent refuses to see that their child needs help like therapy or to be in a special needs classroom, they (usually inadvertently) hurt their child. When we are so afraid of offending that we do not speak up to actually help, are we being kind?

Compassion demands that we tell the truth. No, we should not be brutal or mean spirited about it. Yes, some people delight in telling the truth to inflict pain. But we do not abandon the truth because some abuse it. Healing can’t happen until the truth is seen. Our children with special needs are broken. But that is only a part of the story.

In the Hebrew and Christian Bibles, Genesis 1 and 2 tell the story of creation. God creates a glorious universe, a world teaming with beauty and life. We are told in Genesis 1:27 that God creates human beings – male and female – in His image! He declares all creation good and places humans in the middle of a garden. He gives us purpose and companionship. He gives us Himself.

 And we mess it up. Theologians call it “The Fall”. It happens in Genesis 3–pretty much the same page as all of the good stuff that came before. Everything is affected. As one of my professors used to say, “The Fall goes all the way down.” 

The truth is that we are ALL BROKEN.

Not a popular sentiment today. On the one hand, I am encouraged by the almost gut level reaction that people have to someone being called broken. It is right and good to give everyone dignity and respect, no matter who they are, where they come from, what their status or circumstance in life or even their abilities. But that doesn’t mean we cannot or should not acknowledge true brokenness – whether it is our own or the brokenness of others.

Often, we define our entire identity around one aspect of who we are. I am part of the (fill in the blank) community. It is easy to understand why a parent would not want their child’s disability to be the defining feature of their identity. I get it. I myself have resisted being “autism dad” as a writer for well over a decade.

Here’s the truth: I am the father of an autistic child. Nathan is broken. I can’t fix that. The difference between his brokenness and mine? Most of the time I can hide my brokenness to the outside world. He can’t. But that is not the sum total or even the most important part of my identity or his. Being broken is universal, but it is the beginning of the story not the end.

When we realize that everyone is broken, we can – have to – give up the idea that we are better, or worse, than anyone else. We can give up playing pretend. We can stop curating our Facebook/Instagram perfect lives and get real. 

My identity? First and foremost, above, before and through every other aspect of me is found in the fact that I am created in the image of God and redeemed in Christ. That is good news. News beyond any trauma or disability, beyond any one aspect of who we are. And as we will see next time, it points to a better way of understanding suffering.

Kevin O’Brien is a husband, father, ordained minister, writer and volunteer theologian. He holds a Master of Divinity and Master of Theology from Liberty Baptist Theological Seminary where he won the Th.M. award in 1997. He has also done graduate work at the Institute for Christian Studies in Toronto.  Kevin worked as a brand manager on the Bible team at Tyndale House Publishers. During his time at Tyndale he has helped to develop several Bibles and has written articles which have appeared in The Way, the iShine Bible, and the Illustrated Study Bible. He also wrote a series of devotionals for WAYFM’s World’s Biggest Small Group.

Most recently, Kevin wrote an Advent devotional eBook. You can find it here. 

Kevin lives in the far western suburbs of Chicago with his wife, three children, a dog, and a cat. He would prefer to spend his time reading, writing, woodworking and watching the Chicago Blackhawks.

Myths of Caregiver Stress

---

 Jolene Philo is the mother of a son born with life-threatening special needs and the daughter of a father severely affected by multiple sclerosis. In her 25 years as an educator, she integrated children with special needs into her classroom. She’s written 5 books about caregiving, special needs parenting, and childhood PTSD. She recently co-authored a book with Dr. Gary Chapman about how parents of kids with special needs can use the 5 love languages in their families. Jolene speaks at conferences around the country and internationally, facilitates classes about childhood trauma for educators, and trains special needs ministry leaders and volunteers. She blogs at www.DifferentDream.com. She and her husband live in Iowa.

6 Ways To Care For Your Spouse

When your life revolves around caring for your kids, especially children with additional needs, it is easy to see why marriage can take a backseat. We’re in survival mode, and we know our spouses are able to take care of themselves. But that doesn’t mean they don’t need our love and support. 

There’s a higher divorce rate between couples with children with special needs, and I can totally see why. Marriage is hard enough, but when you add the challenges and stresses of special needs parenting, there are bound to be extra bumps in the marriage.

BUT...you made a commitment to love, honor, and cherish your spouse. Here are six ways you can do that:

1. Have a heart to heart. 

You and your spouse may have different ways of dealing with your child’s special needs.  They are probably dealing with this journey different than you. But that doesn’t mean they don’t care about your child. It doesn’t mean they’re not experiencing their own grief and struggles. It doesn’t mean you both don’t have goals and dreams for your family to not just survive, but to thrive together. 

Take time to listen to each other. Ask questions. Make plans together. Determine to travel this journey together. To fight together for your children, and to fight for each other.

2. Do one thing for your spouse that shows you were thinking of them.

We have a million things on our plate, thinking about doing something for our spouse may not be anywhere near our plate. But I encourage you to think about something you can intentionally do for your spouse that would mean a lot to them and show them you were thinking about them. If your spouse has asked you to do something and you’ve been procrastinating on it, choose to get it done to honor them. Or if they’ve briefly mentioned something they would like done or would like to do, make it happen. 

If you don’t know what your spouse would like done, just ask, you may be surprised! I used to think my husband wanted the kitchen clean, laundry done, floor swept, dinners cooked, the whole shebang, and I felt like I was failing him because I couldn’t do it all. So one day I asked him what is the number one thing he wanted done around the house.

I was surprised when he said he just wanted the papers around the house to be organized, that the piles of paper stressed him out. With the kids’ school work and therapy evaluations and IEP papers and mail and bills, papers just pile up and I am oblivious to them. They don’t bother me so I don’t think to organize them that often, but now that I know it bothers him, I intentionally set aside time each week to sort through, file, organize, and recycle papers. He always notices when I do it and feels honored. 

3. Take some time to do something fun together.

Yes, I know this one is easier said than done sometimes. Especially when it’s hard to get childcare. If you can get childcare or respite to go on a date, do it! Go somewhere fun, and enjoy yourself and your spouse’s company.

If you can’t get childcare, think of something creative you and your spouse can do at home. Sometimes my husband and I would have picnic dates after the kids went to bed. We’d eat a late dinner or a dessert on the living room floor on a blanket with candles and just talk. Or watch a movie. It wasn’t fancy, but it was special because we made it so and chose to just focus on us.

4. Gift something special for your spouse just because you love them.

You don’t have to wait for a special occasion to buy or gift something to your spouse that you know they would appreciate. It doesn’t even have to be something big. It could be a funny card that reminded you of them, or something they mentioned they would enjoy having, or you could make or buy their favorite dinner or dessert.

5. Let your spouse know what you love about them.

It can be easy to feel like we’re letting people down or we’re not doing enough until someone tells us otherwise, and then it makes our day and makes a stand a little taller. It only takes a minute to let your spouse know how much they mean to you, or how much you appreciate certain aspects or qualities about them. You could also send encouraging texts throughout the day, leave a love note somewhere they’d find it, get them a funny card they’ll appreciate and write a few things you admire about them. 

My husband used to travel a lot for work, and I made a habit of writing him a little love note or getting him a card and stashing it somewhere in his suitcase or backpack. He never said anything about any of those notes, but I kept doing it anyway. One day, while we were packing up to move, I found a stack of these love notes and cards in his Bible he keeps in his nightstand. He had kept and treasured them all.

6. Hug, kiss, hold hands, all that mushy stuff.

When my husband would come home from work, a lot of times I’d be busy cooking dinner or doing something for the kids that I’d barely even acknowledge my husband’s arrival. One day I felt really convicted of that. I wanted our home to be a place he wanted to come home to, where he felt loved and wanted and so I determined from then on that when he came home I’d stop what I was doing and give him a quick hug or kiss and let him know I was glad to see him.

Hugging, kissing, shoulder rubs, cuddling, holding hands--whatever your spouse’s favorite form of physical touch is, make sure you’re incorporating it. Sprinkled in throughout the day, they are encouraging reminders that your spouse loves you and wants to be with you.

You may or may not have noticed that all these suggestions cover each of the five love languages. If you know your spouse’s love language, make sure you are speaking their language most often! But regardless of what love language you or your spouse have, incorporating all of them will do wonders for your marriage, and for your spouse. If you want to learn more I encourage you to check out Jolene Philo and Dr. Gary Chapman’s book Sharing Love Abundantly in Special Needs Families: The Five Love Languages for Parents of Children with Disabilities.

You can also check out our latest podcast episode, where we discuss embracing our spouses and this special needs parenting journey.

Nurturing our marriage and our spouse is not only good for “the one our heart loves” (Song of Solomon 3:4), but it is also healthy for our own emotional well-being, and for our children to see that their parents love each other.

Written by Jenn Soehnlin

Bio: Jenn Soehnlin is a mother to two little lads who are precious blessings and who both have special needs. She is the author of Embracing This Special Life: Learning to Flourish as a Mother of a Child with Special Needs.

Jenn enjoys blogging about faith, praying scripture, and special needs parenting at www.embracing.life. You can also find her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

When You Want To Quit

Do you have days when you just want to quit? Days when you wish you were a kid again and your parents took care of everything, but now you are the Dad or Mom and you’re the one that has to provide, take care of, figure out, fight the battles, create a calm place in the midst of the chaos and storms of life? Not only is it hard, you may not even have a clue what you’re doing or how to go about it, yet you are responsible for doing it and achieving the needed result.

Here are 3 things do you do when you just want to quit:

1.     Take a breath or a walk.

Get a little space and a little perspective. Come up for air. You’re likely tired and being physically tired makes it hard to think clearly and make decisions or just do daily tasks. Of course, getting some sleep is great, but next to that, deep breathing does wonders for our physical and mental health. It helps release stress and calm the nervous system. Exercise does too and releases endorphins that help you feel better.

2.     Schedule time with a friend.

Sharing your challenges and struggles with a safe friend, maybe a friend who has walked some of life’s challenging paths ahead of you, often can help shed some light and perspective on your situation and can be just what you need.

3.     Cry out to God.

You already know you can’t do this on your own. That’s why you want to quit! It’s hard! But, fortunately, God already knows this life is more than you can handle and that’s why He clearly promised to be with you and not to abandon you. Ask for what you need. Do you need direction? Ask. Do you need insight? Ask. Do you need to know you’re loved and not forgotten? Ask Him to show you and keep your eyes and ears open for His answer.

This life is hard. We live in a broken world with pain, sadness, disease, and evil. This is not our home. We are just passing through. It may seem like you’re stuck here forever, like this struggle is never-ending. But, you are one day closer to your real home. Your home where your all-knowing, all-powerful, unconditionally loving, good Dad rules, has everything taken care of for you. There is no hard. There is no pain. You’re one day closer to being truly home.

Written by Sarah McGuire

Sarah McGuire  is the Mom of two boys and co-founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that guides parents to Christ-centered hope and healing. You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook here. You can also check out Hope Anew’s Online Community here!

5 Powerful Ways Special Needs Parents Impact The World

5 powerful ways special needs parents impact the world may sound hyperbolic to people looking in on the disability community. But I've been part of a caregiving family all my life, and I assure you that special needs parents impact the world every single day. We just don't realize it. In fact, we tend to discount the importance of what we do. To see if that's true for you, read through the following statements.

• When someone asks about my job, I say things like "I'm just a mom" and "I'm just a dad."

• I sometimes think other people contribute more to society than I do.

• I sometimes think my life is too ordinary to make a difference.

• I rarely ask our physician questions about treatment options for my child because the doctor is the expert.

• I don't say much at parent-teacher conferences or IEP meetings, because the teachers and administrators know more about education than I do.

• I care for my child, but that's just what parents do. It's no big deal.

If 1 or more of the above statements describes you at least once in a while, you are selling yourself short as a special needs parents. As Bob Newhart said in one of the best comedy sketches ever, you need to stop it because your work caring for a child with special needs is making a huge impact on the world in these 5 ways.

1. You impact your kids' lives. All parents impact their kids' lives. That's no different for parents of kids with special needs because that's what parenting is. That's what parents do. We impact our kids' lives as we care for them, comfort them, teach them, provide for them, and encourage them. We are training them and creating a framework of support so they can be as independent as possible throughout their lives.

2. Your love changes your child's life trajectory. When you meet your child's basic physical and emotional needs, you are programming the wiring of her brain. Your daily love and care makes her brain more resilient, more intelligent, and more loving for the rest of her life. With every cuddle, every changed diaper or pad, every book read, every bath, every song you sing, and every walk around the block, your love and care maximizes your child's potential and enriches her life.

3. You fight against the power of evil. The brains of children who are raised without a loving primary caregiver, even if their physical needs are met, suffer lasting effects throughout life. Their relationships tend to be unhealthy, and they make poor choices. They are more prone to develop serious mental and physical illnesses, they age prematurely, and their life expectancy is shorter. By caring for your child with special needs, you fight against and minimize these evils. To put it another way, love is your super power.

4. You are an example to your children. I watched my mother care for my father for 38 years, starting when I was 2. She did many things right and some things wrong, and both were an example to me and my siblings. She wouldn't ask for help and required far too much of us as children. Because of her example, I now encourage parents raising kids with special needs to ask for help when they need it and to make space for their typical children to be kids and not caregivers. Through her example, I also saw that the foundation of loving someone in sickness and health is built on ordinary moments of care and compassion in which the holiness of God is displayed. In the same way, you are an example to your children now and for as long as they live.

5. Your care and compassion for your child with special needs testify of Christ in you. People outside the disability community see you and your child. Your caregiving is love in action, which means you are a living testimony of Christ. Even better, when onlookers say things like "I couldn't do what you're doing," you have an opportunity to share your faith story. You can explain how your dependency on Christ is why you can do what you do. God will use both your spoken and your lived testimony to draw onlookers closer to Him.

These 5 powerful ways special needs parents impact the world are the tip of the iceberg. How do I know that? Because God considers your sacrificial acts on behalf of your child to be valuable and worthy. He never discounts them. You shouldn't either because God is using what you do for your child to change the world!

Written by Jolene Philo

Jolene Philo is the author of the Different Dream series for parents of kids with special needs. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. She recently co-authored Sharing Love Abundantly in Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities with Dr. Gary Chapman. Her blog for parents raising children with special needs and disabilities can be found at www.DifferentDream.com.

Father I Want To Know Thee

“Father I want to know Thee, but my coward heart fears to give up its toys. I cannot part with them without inward bleeding, and I do not try to hide from Thee the terror of the parting. I come trembling, but I do come. Please root from my heart all those things which I have cherished so long and which have become a very part of my living self, so that Thou mayest enter and dwell there without a rival. Then shall my heart have no need of the sun to shine in it, for Thyself wilt be the light of it, and there shall be no night there.” – A.W. Tozer

These are the words I wrote in the front my Bible in 2004, before heading to Africa as a missionary, a desire of mine since I was a young child. It was the sincere prayer of my heart that God be everything to me…and I thought He was. I had committed to and was joyfully living out, “God, I’m yours send me wherever you want, whenever you want me to go, and have me do whatever you plan for me” a commitment I had made in junior high.

That was before special needs entered my life. That was before two years of sleepless nights. That was before the dreams for my family and life were crushed beyond recognition or hope of repair. That was before I lost my health and before we lost our home which was such a gift and where we had built a new dream.

This week I sat in that home as we get rid of most of our things and read these words again. I’d forgotten about them in the front of that Bible, rarely used in the last many years in favor of a newer one and a different translation.

What a difference the depth of meaning these words have now nearly 16 years later. I’ve wanted God and a healthy child, God and a meaningful ministry outside my family, God and my welcoming, restorative home. None of these desires are wrong – a health child, a meaningful ministry, and lovely home.

Yet, when these things have been taken away my coward heart not only fears to give them up and bleeds at the parting (that’s called grief), but at times has felt angry at God over the rending of my wants and toys.

 There is a rending, a breaking of a dream, a shattering of something wonderful. There is brokenness. This world is cursed. It is crushed by sin. Where there is sin and brokenness, there will be pain. And I’ve learned that God weeps with me. God is a God of wholeness, creativity, beauty, love, forgiveness, holiness, and generosity. He is a God that will bring beauty out of our brokenness. When this broken world and the enemy of our soul crushes us, He desires to be our everything and for us to find our comfort and hope in Him.

Written by Sarah McGuire